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Old 3rd May 2011, 04:00 PM   #1
survivor
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Unhappy Role confusion

I've been maried for 3yrs and this is the second marriage for both me and my husband.My husband's major problem is he doesn't want to work. He was in the construction business but believed God told him to leave and is doing now various projects for 2and half yrs. None though has produced financial results. He also belives that he has a calling on his life as with myself and does not believe that he is a 9 to 5 worker.He refuses to consider working for a boss in the interim until God releases him. I am therefore the breadwinner and paying everything incl my daughter's varsity fees. I don't want to be divorced twice and need advice. We went for counselling whereby pastors informed him of his duty as a husband, father, man- he listens but doesn't implement. He only wants to eat, sleep, play games; refuse to assist with cleaning or cooking as its a woman's job.I am tired of this life....
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Old 3rd May 2011, 05:35 PM   #2
Chamomile
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Re: Role confusion

Hi

I don't think it is a role confusion, survivor. (But I know what you mean)
These men who expect their woman/wife to pay for him, they know exactly what they are doing...only if you let him...
I'm no stranger in that role myself.

It's hard to tell if your h is a fantasist dreaming up some fantasy projects which may never happen or he's been simply, unlucky unable to get any of his projects off the ground. If he had no incomes whatsoever for the past three years, guess it's a matter of "will he ever?"
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Old 3rd May 2011, 08:46 PM   #3
chosen
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Re: Role confusion

He needs to listen to ther pastor and elders.God would not ask Him to do anything that would mean he isnt providing for his family.In fact the Bible has a lot to say about laziness.
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Old 4th May 2011, 01:42 AM   #4
1aokgal
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Re: Role confusion

Dear Survivor..

I hate to tell you this, but you are an enabler. He is lazy, unmotivated, a malingerer, loafer, and perpetuates a fraud that God thinks it is OK for him to put the burden on you while he plays games and enjoys life on his terms. Since you tolerated this behavior the mold is set. I bet his past marriage was the same and she heaved him out.

You are the breadwinner as he does not pull his share. Why do you fear a divorce? He does NOTHING for you. He insults and burdens you with all responsibilities to make ends meet while you fill his mouth with food you worked to earn. Meanwhile I would bet my favorite item he is on the internet making friends with others while you toil in the world.

Why do you care so little for yourself to let another treat you this way? You ENABLE him in this way of life as you tolerate this. That is almost like buying an alcoholic a drink.

Here is the deal. Get a separate bank account and put your earnings there. Give him an ultimatum. He must have a job by X date. Then plan to see an attorney. This man is a zero. PS.... DO use birth control because the last thing in the world needed here are children born into a home without a father. This man is no husband to you and it would be a great mistake to plan a family with him.

Was he employed when you met him? He already has spent years letting you pull the wagon so the mold is set. I doubt very seriously if he ever intended to pull his weight. If he is a GQ model, the best looking and brightest, few women would let this guy get away with this scene. They would tell him not to let the door hit him in the can as he gets out. Most women would tell him he can just get OUT!


You need some serious confidence and the belief you deserve better. I have a feeling you are just grateful he is there. What happened in your life to make you feel as if this is Okay? This must embarrass you very much to have a man who shows he is such a leech. Give him an ultimatum and mean it.

I also hope you seek some counselling to feel better about yourself. You deserve so much better than this.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 4th May 2011 at 02:21 AM.
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Old 4th May 2011, 08:50 AM   #5
Raymond
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Re: Role confusion

He should still work while he is supposedly waiting for God's best. Sounds like he is in some kind of deception. Pray that God reveals this to him.
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Old 4th May 2011, 03:55 PM   #6
Chamomile
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Re: Role confusion

I'm not sure if this is relevant at this stage.
But if you were to divorce your h, you might end up maintaining him (as he has no incomes)?
Might be worth getting some legal advice to my mind..
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Old 4th May 2011, 07:59 PM   #7
Forever
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Re: Role confusion

Wow.

Glad to have you back 1aokgal!

I agree with your take on this situation. He sounds like he is still 16 years old.
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Old 7th May 2011, 03:35 AM   #8
1aokgal
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Re: Role confusion

Hi Forever..

Thanks for welcome.

You know me..blunt and direct. Sad situation above for this lady. Yes, he is all of these things and terribly immature or maybe just clever. After all, he may be on the internet all the time while she works. We have seen that many times that a man plays video games or has intrigues with others on internet..cybersex, that keeps him glued there. So long as another pays the bills he is free to play there.

This man needs a rude awakening! Problem for survivor ... Is she afraid to make an ultimatum? Has this man some power over her? Would he get nasty or combative if confronted over these issues? Also is this man depressed? Is there a history in his family of severe depression. His lethargy and avoidance of responsibility is one of the signs. I hope this situation is looked at from all angles.

Survivor has come out of a previous marriage and perhaps the "Law of Attraction" whereby she was not healed from previous problems got her into an ill advised or hasty 2nd marriage. Happens to many women when confidence is low and loneliness means one is glad to find another marriage. This marriage was no sanctuary for Survivor. We just hope she thinks what she needs for her future and takes a strong stand now. Perhaps that shocks this man into change.

We hope for the best result for happiness here.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 9th May 2011 at 12:27 AM.
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Old 20th May 2011, 05:59 PM   #9
Chamomile
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Re: Role confusion

1okagal
I'd have to agree with you.
If he's not liking his 9-5 jobs then he would be able to do something else?
Pity that the original poster hadn't replied as to how she's doing?
Hope things are getting better at home for her.
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Old 20th May 2011, 07:25 PM   #10
1aokgal
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Re: Role confusion

The poster may recognize truth here but feel she is not yet in emotional stability to accept that. It is a far cry from asking for advice/help and being able to accept it. She may see the facts but not have the confidence to act toward change. People don't make change until they are forced to do it. That is when the status quo is so unacceptable that one will lose everything... financial stability, security to get out of an untenable relationship.

I read a statistic that says it is usually a three year process in marriages from point where one realizes it is unhappy and unproduct, to actual plans to separate. That point is when enough pain has occurred and that marriage can't improve. One can begin to move toward personal strengths and can establish an independent identity. We all know separation and divorce is one of lifes' great tragedies. It is when all our dreams shatter. We have to rebuild personal image and our view of tomorrow.

It is just my hope we can share some of what we learned or lived through to give solace to another at whatever stage they post here.
We do care and hope things improve for this lady.
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Old 21st May 2011, 10:21 AM   #11
Chamomile
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Re: Role confusion

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post
People don't make change until they are forced to do it. That is when the status quo is so unacceptable that one will lose everything... financial stability, security to get out of an untenable relationship.

We all know separation and divorce is one of lifes' great tragedies.

It is just my hope we can share some of what we learned or lived through to give solace to another at whatever stage they post here.
We do care and hope things improve for this lady.
Hi 1okagal
Very astute observation, I have to say.
I don't know, whether this is just another case of a good, church going lady taken advantage or not?
It's very interesting as to what you say regarding "3 yrs process".
Suppose, within that 3 yrs "cut off point", people might have tried to save their marriage in different ways. Yes, I can believe that people go through different stages before they reach their final decision, either to stay or move on.
I hate to say this but this lady would need to take far more control. But then, she might have done so by now.
Have an excellent weekend. xxx
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Old 27th May 2011, 10:48 PM   #12
1aokgal
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Re: Role confusion

Hi Chamomile...

This ladys' story seems repeated many times nowadays. Women now have financial power and good jobs and often pay the price in a relationship for that. There are men who are "floaters" who seek out such women and let them carry the burden while they poke along at jobs with no future or poor rewards but easy on them to just go along at comfortable pace.
Some men make no pretense at being a partner once they are through the door. That man can spend days on the internet, unemployed with no prospects..and little effort to change that. It is a way of life, not a happening.

A woman has to carry her own end of things and play mother to get him to apply for work or try for better. The number of women in that trap is legion until she decides now it is enough. There has to be great push to make change when just to stay in the rut is easier than to argue or insist that man needs to partner and carry some share.

It is also likely there is resentment in such an unequal union and there is little sex because a man can even the playing field with withholding. In this case the kids should be out of the house the day all the grievances can be aired and some ultimatum about future performance can be agreed upon. It is likely his last relationship was the same. This lady has be strong and if no change in the situation she should end it. It is role reversal as some men think they have earned a free ride.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 2nd June 2011 at 02:03 AM.
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Old 7th June 2011, 12:35 PM   #13
Chamomile
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Re: Role confusion

Hi 1aokgal

You do sound like a real expert in so many subjects
I completely agree with you. xxx
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