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Old 15th August 2011, 12:24 PM   #826
Helen_uk
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi Chamomile,

Vinyl is making a come back at the moment , we are finding we sell quite a bit of it now. Kids today are starting to appreciate that it doesn't have to be on an i-pod to be fun ! Lots of bands also bring out their music on limited edition picture discs or coloured vinyl that is an investment for the future as it gains in value if looked after properly.

When Paul ( youngest son ) first started visiting Southampton , it took him a while to settle, but he loves it now and looks forward to visiting , you're right in thinking autistics don't like change but as life is full of change it's something they have to learn to deal with to a certain extent . I have little tricks that help lol. The one person I will miss is Heather , his psychologist from CAMHS , although strictly speaking she sees children and teens and Paul is almost 22 now , she became such a good friend and still provides a wealth of info and support if I need it. Every child with ASD should have a Heather !
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Old 15th August 2011, 05:52 PM   #827
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

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Originally Posted by Helen_uk View Post
Hi Chamomile,

Vinyl is making a come back at the moment , we are finding we sell quite a bit of it now. Kids today are starting to appreciate that it doesn't have to be on an i-pod to be fun ! Lots of bands also bring out their music on limited edition picture discs or coloured vinyl that is an investment for the future as it gains in value if looked after properly.

When Paul ( youngest son ) first started visiting Southampton , it took him a while to settle, but he loves it now and looks forward to visiting , you're right in thinking autistics don't like change but as life is full of change it's something they have to learn to deal with to a certain extent . I have little tricks that help lol. The one person I will miss is Heather , his psychologist from CAMHS , although strictly speaking she sees children and teens and Paul is almost 22 now , she became such a good friend and still provides a wealth of info and support if I need it. Every child with ASD should have a Heather !
Hi Helen xxx

I was wondering if you have got a website for this music store of yours? I realize this site does not have a private messaging system. Do you still have a store going? (Sorry didn't mean to be so nosey lol)

Yes, you are so right. It's good that you wouldn't keep him too overprotected and he enjoys what this world has to offer. "Heather" sounds like a wonderful person. I trust that you and your new man will make his life even more enriched, wholesome, fun and exciting.

xxxx
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Old 15th August 2011, 06:10 PM   #828
Helen_uk
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi Chamomile,

Yes we have 3 websites . The main one sells all kinds of rock music merchandise , one sells New Rock boots and shoes and the other the more extreme hardcore rock metal music . I'll leave a message for you as I'm not sure the site will allow a web url.

Yes Heather is a rock , a psychologist with personal experience of the problem they are dealing with is always a bonus
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Old 15th August 2011, 06:53 PM   #829
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

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Hi Chamomile,

Yes we have 3 websites . The main one sells all kinds of rock music merchandise , one sells New Rock boots and shoes and the other the more extreme hardcore rock metal music . I'll leave a message for you as I'm not sure the site will allow a web url.

Yes Heather is a rock , a psychologist with personal experience of the problem they are dealing with is always a bonus
Hi Helen xxx

That's fantastic, thank you so much!! xxxx

I was wondering if your h used to run a record shop in Southampton if you don't mind me asking this? I know there's none left in SH.

Yes, I completely agree with you re. a psychologist. Mine is a nice person; she seems very young as well but she doesn't seem to have enough direct experience, unfortunately. It's really helpful of you to be so willing to share your experience. I much appreciated it so much. I have been thinking about it. I might start to look out for a "Heather" LOL LOL

xxxxxx
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Old 15th August 2011, 07:05 PM   #830
Helen_uk
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

He had a shop in The Marlands shopping centre and one in Totton until a couple of years ago , but he sold band merchandise rather than vinyl .

The recession hit him pretty bad so now he just has the websites , which don't come with a 40,000.00 a year rent !

I'm the same with doctors Chamomile ( of which I've seen a lot lately ! ) I do prefer them to be older .. They always seem more experienced then .
xx
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Old 15th August 2011, 10:47 PM   #831
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hello Patchouli, welcome. I did go back and skim some of your posts. Did you ever get the divorce? I know how painful divorce can be because I've had two of them. I don't know how I could have married such men but there you have it. One was a drug addict it turned out and the other cheated on me.

When there are children involved, and there were, it is especially different. I've never posted on any other post but this one but after looking up your posts I see that there are at least a couple that I would be interested in. If you've read any of my posts you know that I am living with a h who does not make love to me anymore and we used to have a great sex life.

I came on here to see if anyone else was going through the same thing and there were and I am doing so much better now. 1aokgal inspired me to make hats and I love it. When I first came on here I was ready to leave my h because it was just too much to handle.

He is nine years older and says he loves me but I didn't understand and was sure I could go out and find someone else. I'm sure I could but I decided to stay with him and pray for him and I have to say that I am no longer so angry and frustrated. I just found out from him that he has been very worried about finances and that could account for his recent behavior.

He does not watch porn but I'm pretty sure he m and this is very hard for me to take and also the fact that he gives me stupid excuses why he doesn't sleep with me and make love to me, like I'd really believe them! It sounded as though you had a really hard time of it and I hope it is better because if you don't have respect from a spouse it is unforgiveable.
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Old 15th August 2011, 11:53 PM   #832
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi Patchouli...

Welcome here. I have seen your name posted elsewhere. I will read some posts later.

Today was a quite lovely day for me. I picked up my grandaughter, 13. She is an exquisite girl with the most wonderful hair and nice personality. We went for lunch, did errands, and came home here to swim. I shortened straps on 3 sun dresses I bought for her last week. I got a nice sewing pattern for a wrap skirt and I will finish that for her tonight.

She is excited to model for my designed victorian dresses. It is a pleasure to teach her basics of sewing and painting. She can work with me in the upstairs studio as I hope to encourage her learning. If only someone had been interested in me and given me what I can give her, which is a seedling for her life! I can teach her sewing, painting portraits and creating fine porcelain vases. So these are skills she might never learn otherwise.

I worked with these skills enough to show at fine galleries. That all developed as I applied myself to these arts. If everything had been perfect, I would have concentrated on my relationship as the world, when it is not. Do you realize how free that is to know that there is a huge world outside the door? We can choose to be more than the limited roles we may assign ourselves.

I was a mother but still could take time to apply my creative talent and ability to other things. It was a gift I gave myself to learn all I could about these disciplines.

When I was younger, it was about survival and childrens' needs. So I was actually 40 when I began to paint on canvas. There were no drawing lessons, more than grade school, though for some years I developed how to paint on fine porcelain, even to portraits on them. These are fired in a kiln. Most people would never consider to learn this rare artform. It was through books I learned the basics of this china painting. It is a beautiful craft and actually was taught to Victorian women. This art was considered a "ladylike" art and takes considerable time, since it is fired in a kiln. European women first brought the skill to America.

The art of oil painting on canvas came in a dream that I could paint. Miraculously, I found that to be true and discovered passion was more than loving another, it was loving me enough to let God enter into my soul as the brush moved on canvas. There are so many hours I lost touch with any mundane events because I did something fine and good that came from inside myself.

All this gives me the notion that we, as humans, are rather minute in the scheme of things. All of mans' thoughts and feelings seem on a plane of spirituality that one can access by reaching beyond the minute that we live now. There actually is a belief about the "Akashic records" being the repository for all the thoughts of man. It is like a lending library and one who creates peace inside can access these thoughts. I won't go into it so much here as that is a study in itself.

In creating a calm place inside myself it is not that I don't love him, rather than I love me and God more. I don't have to turn myself inside out for the convenience of another. When you seek to make another into everything, you lose part of yourself. My world isn't so small as it used to be.

I urge you to give yourself the gift of the world. Go visit fine art galleries. Give yoursef fine music to elevate you heart and lift you from this minute. Find the happiness that lies within and experience that fully in how you regard your surroundings. Make everything around yourself something you can enjoy and find satisfaction in this place. Live in the moment that is better because you don't think about what you lack, you consider all you have. Creativity lifts ones heart and frees the mind and gives a happiness to those who will find something that is a passion.

I'm glad to open that path to Baroness. I hope it will give her what these things have given to me.
Hats are beautiful and inspire one to learn design and execution of fabric and ribbon. Women through history found this a skill path to happiness and in many cases, even wealth. Coco Chanel was milliner.

I think that volunteer work is a great thing. I worked a phone line years ago at a Suicide Crisis Center and often manned the overnight shift, a high stress time for callers. I was a full time mature working student, and had just had met my husband. He took me to morning coffee more than once when my nerves were jangled from those calls. It was good to help others.

So if you can, beyond your own troubles, lift anothers' burden or go beyond self, than do it. We talk about what we wish was different. Make it different for yourself. Truth is, we can't change another. Let them be reponsible for their own space and choices. I will live for me. Perhaps that is selfish? It seems fruitless to ask another to give you what they will not. I am happy with my space and what I have around me. It does take a little work to think through to serenity.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 16th August 2011 at 04:11 PM.
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Old 16th August 2011, 07:31 PM   #833
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Could you go and stay with your mum again for a while? She helped you so much last time and she seems to have an amazing faith. It would give you both a break from all this, and some time of reflection and time to spend with God as well.
I completely agree. Hope you will find inner peace soon, B xxxx
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Old 24th January 2012, 10:34 PM   #834
frogprincess
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hello, have joined this just to make this post, as understand what you are going through.

In my case it is an aspect of the fact that my husband has Aspergers sydrome, to other women, on the outside, he seems like a 'perfect' husband.

Many of the posts here seem to indicate aspects that the husband may have Aspergers, particularly having some interest in sex to secure the relationship, then not responding to enticements, tears or threats to leave due to the emotional and sexual breakdown of the relationship.

It may be worth researching Aspergers and relationships to see if spouses show other aspects of this condition. It helps to understand it, but it doesnt make it any easier to live with. x
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Old 25th January 2012, 02:23 PM   #835
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Do husbands with Aspergers not like sex then?
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Old 25th January 2012, 04:20 PM   #836
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Thats what I was going to ask Raymond.
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Old 25th January 2012, 07:38 PM   #837
Helen_uk
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

People with Asperger's have sensory problems, some don't like to be touched at all . I should imagine that would make sex very difficult for them.

My son hated to be cuddled even as a baby and even now ( at 22 ) he dislikes being touched for more than a very short while .

They also have a lack of empathy and so are unlikely to feel someone else's pain easily, this can make getting emotionally close to them very difficult.
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Old 26th January 2012, 07:07 PM   #838
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Interesting, but whether the desire to have sex overcomes their dislike of being tactile remains a question.

One of my sons was suspected of having Aspergers at one point but he never really came out one way or the other. His wife is always grabbing him and holding him. He doesn't seem to respond but doesn't resist either. As far as I know they are having sex as she has spoken about birth control until she qualifies to be a doctor.
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Old 26th January 2012, 08:17 PM   #839
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Crumbs! He just rang and his wife is pregnant! I have to sit down. Proof of the pudding and all that. Obviously did away with birth control.
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Old 26th January 2012, 11:22 PM   #840
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Congratulations grandad!!!!!!Has she qualified then?
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