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Old 4th September 2011, 02:05 PM   #76
chosen
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Re: Married and lonely

shasha
Thast sad about the way your husband was introduced to porn, and thats how many men start. My dad used to have a pile of these evil porngraphic magazines in his wardrobe.I do feel for you it must be awful and humiliating to have a man who lusts after other women like that, whether in mags or on the internet or on tv or in dvds.
Keep praying, and asking God for clear direction in this. Only He knows the future and whether your husband will ever stop this way of life. I believe that long term unrepentant porn use is grounds for seperation and also divorce.
Its serious and damaging stuff.
I know a lady who God clearly led to divorce her husband after she found out that he was looking at porn with his small children in the same room. The judge even said that he wasnt allowed to see his children unsupervised again, thats how seriously this non Christian judge viewed it, and rightly so.

God Bless
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Old 4th September 2011, 03:46 PM   #77
Helen_uk
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Re: Married and lonely

Sasha,

I'm sure your behaviour toward your H has most likely been caused by his behaviour toward you. It can be very taxing to live with someone with that kind of habit.

I posed my question to you because if the marriage has no love left and you are struggling when he isn't prepared to try then you're in a similar situation to the one I was in a few years ago.

You have to weigh things up and decide if this is the life you want , because that may be the way it stays. You can only do so much in a marriage and sometimes unless both people are willing to work hard to effect change , you have to walk away.
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Old 4th September 2011, 05:54 PM   #78
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Re: Married and lonely

Dear Sasha...

You letter gives more information about your situation. You are not the only woman who deals with these issues. This forum is people with various problems who stay and support others. It would be true to say many who respond to a particular thread do so because they experienced similar problems. They do indeed understand what you describe. Most of us don't speak from the pinnacle of perfect, but from living through similar events.

You are gracious to accept what is said. Perhaps you can internalize some changes that might be positive with what is said here. You cannot have a life with any quality (even if you are biding your time to make a better future) without realizing you are being more than unfair. It really doesn't wash that you have a part time job and he carries the household. Your whole plan is to get out of there. What he does is for you and to keep things running for his son. You are living in a limbo because you already decided you are out of there....except in physical presence.

That is like a short time employee who takes long lunches and doesn't carry his share. That is a mindset that will not make any changes possible. On the one hand you claim you are a Christian wife, but on the other hand you are like the day help who goes home at the end of the day. In order to effect changes you have to commit maximum effort to this marriage.

I know very well policeman don't make a lot of money. My daughter supports her house payments, cars, raises her daughter and earns a bit extra with jobs she does outside her police work. She depends on her own efforts the last 15 years.

True, you need two incomes to keep bills paid and live decently if you save for your escape plan. Your part time job barely pays you to leave the house. You need two full time incomes. If your plan is to spring out of there it would be best to do it SOON so he can rebuild a life as well. The poison in your household also translates into danger for him to carry onto the job. He goes daily into unpredictable and dangerous events. Personally, I feel you OWE him a household of peace so he stays safe. He can't have a head full of conflict and not be in a vulnerable state for a disaster to occur. He keeps the roof over your head and deserves more than your grudging participation for what he tries to do.

It is right you show some appreciation for the good things he tries to do. To take the son to church is a good beginning on your prayer list. For you to treat him as a lampost is not part of the deal that he make efforts for you and you ignore that. Who are you that he should stand your keep while you take from him and say he is an idiot? I find that thought process to be so far from what you profess, it is unnerving. If you were my daughter I would want to tell you that you cannot effect change when you are unwilling to change yourself.

The other point is maybe if you will change, you can help what might be an addictive personality who gravitated to this interest. That means that his problems have to be addressed from emotional, physical and spiritual nature to what has become an impulse difficult to control.
It is not enough to be uncivil and argumentative and live in a limbo. Perhaps you have to corner him and give him your love and support and seek together to overcome the problems. This is like intervention for any person who is possibly unable to effect changes himself and needs help. Save the judgment calls. Picture an alcoholic unable to save himself. While you are not entirely responsible for another, it would be helpful for him to know you care enough to see it from this perspective.

There are support groups for these problems in the US. Perhaps you can make inquiries and get literature for him. I hope you will see he is not a bad person but has lost his way. He cares for you otherwise he would have walked out the door by now. I think you live in a dream world of your life tomorrow and lack the ability to see you do nothing to put that into place as reality. If you are going to make the break there is no perfect time and no deliverer to carry you along. Maybe if you put a supreme effort to help where you are now things could change.

I think you never loved this man and maybe needed an escape. Perhaps you can rethink things. Maybe you will find qualities in him you haven't seen for awhile. Sometimes people have more in their hands than they realize.

If you do want a different life. You will need to work full time. It is unfair to expect him to carry the bulk of the household while you do what you please and plot for a future without him. Perhaps the best plan, if you are unable to invest yourself in your marriage, would be for you to make a break. You might get help or be able to live with your family but it would be better. Now you depend on him but have little repect for the fact he supports you. That is not nice.
You will need to work at a reasonable job or live below poverty standards.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 4th September 2011 at 06:02 PM.
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Old 4th September 2011, 09:49 PM   #79
Raymond
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Re: Married and lonely

Sasha the best advice I can give is what you have said yourself in your last post. I am sure you can sift what is for you and what you can reject of the advice you have been given on this thread. I do not personally agree with all the comments made, only some of them. The important thing is that you are wanting God's will. You are living this now. We are not.

In a way your husband has not chosen the pornography, as the opening had been made in his childhood through these magazines. However this does not justify it and it still has the same affect on a marriage. Until he accepts it as wrong and gets real help no progress will be made towards a wholesome marriage, but that doesn't stop you progressing as a person. I do sympathise that you do not want to jump out of the frying pan in the fire and pray that you will find His way forward which I am certain you will.
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Old 5th September 2011, 12:25 AM   #80
Forever
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Re: Married and lonely

Hi Shasha,
I think you did love him, and forgave him over and over and over...I also think that love can erode over time when there are so many things that pile up unresolved in a marriage. I lived the life you are now living (first page of your posting, you will find some of my story). So I know the betrayal, the indifference, the silence, the taking for granted, the throwing you a bone and then reverting back, the spin and crazy making double mindedness ect, ect, .....and I know the loss of respect, the pain, the shattering of our perception of ourselves as women, the inability to help a person who does not want it because they are comfy just the way they are.

Another way to look at this...he has been ensnared by the Enemy years ago, and what has been happening is the fruition of that sad truth. He will not be set free by anything you say, do, or threaten because this is a work that is wrought by and through the Holy Spirit....but you can get in the way and make God's Voice to your husband indiscernable in various ways. A person is not defined entirely by their sins, yet at some point, consequences will have to be paid.

This is why I ask you to continue in kindness...as one human being to another, while you and he are still living together. I personally do not think you were out of line when you answered the question by your friend by saying "it is finished"....an honest answer, to an obvious situation (unless you got ugly and snarled it).

That said, however, since it is finished as far as you are concerned, I think you should move out asap. Since you work part time, and since he will have to pay some child and spousal support, you could swing it if you are not picky until you finish your classes and get a better source of income.

I do not see you as "using" him or his paycheck to bide your time...you are earning your right to be there and always have been by all you do for him, the home, and your son. His choices set the stage for your need to respond this way. If you need to plan your exit (and who wouldnt have to?) then that is what you should do. The house, the bills, all of it does not matter a hill of beans if the situation is unbearable.

BTW, my ex husband was like this years before he ever became a cop if that makes any difference.

Last edited by Forever; 5th September 2011 at 01:02 AM.
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Old 5th September 2011, 05:38 AM   #81
Baroness
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Re: Married and lonely

Sasha, your behavior towards your husband at times is very understandable. It is hard to be gracious and nice to a man who would rather look at naked women, no matter what magazine they are in or what his sources are. If my husband had a playboy magazine and tried to tell me he was looking at it for the articles I would laugh in his face.

The point here is that our men shouldn't be looking at magazines with any type of nude women in them. It isn't where they are looking at it, its that they are looking at naked women. The hurt you feel causes you to react like you did on your trip and maybe by saying what you did in front of your friend, you were trying to find out what he would say about it.

When he said nothing it only made you more upset and I understand why you react like you do. I think you loved him very much at one time but he has destroyed a lot of those feelings and you have every right to feel the way you do. He acts like he just doesn't care but we can't know what's going on inside his head.

Perhaps he doesn't care anymore and isn't trying. It's a merry go round with him acting one way some days and then better others and then he just goes back to the way he was acting. I know about this and my advice is to not expect him to change that much. Only God can change a person but the person has to be willing to change and listen to what God is trying to tell him.

God gave us free will and if he chooses not to heed what God is telling him then nothing will change. He knows its wrong to look at porn and he doesn't care who knows it. I do know how you feel; you've been hurt by this man for so long that you can't see anything good anymore, only the bad in what he does.

I would suggest you take your eyes off of him and put them on God. Men are human and they will have faults just like you and I. Your only peace of mind and salvation in all of this is to turn your thoughts to God and what you do have, such as your son and your relationship with God.

I find it helps to occupy yourself with other things. A hobby, or just getting out of the house for awhile or taking a walk. Perhaps if you treat him with indifference like he does you, he will see how it feels. A husband looking at naked women, whether it be film or magazine, is like a slap in the face. I don't know why we have to endure such things from men we love.

I have been in this marriage with no sex and I was going crazy and was very angry because it seemed as though he didn't care but I started thinking differently and now I just convince myself not to dwell on it by doing other things, turning my thoughts elsewhere because obviously getting upset and dwelling on it isn't going to help.

If they would talk to us about what they are feeling maybe we could understand but since they don't we are left to guess what is going on and if they look at other women then it only intensifies our resentment and hurt. I started focusing on losing weight, not so much that I thought it would make a difference to my husband, but because I knew I would feel better about myself.

I have lost 6 pounds in two weeks and I haven't starved myself but walk a lot and eat smaller portions. When we focus all our attention on another person we are sure to be let down and maybe God wants your thoughts more on him and less on your husband and his problems.

If things don't get better then perhaps you should think of making your own way because this can't be good for your son to be around and you must think of him. It isn't fair when a man or woman change things in a marriage and stop giving affection. It gets confusing because you don't know whether to stay or go or what's best for your child.

Praying about it is the only thing you can do but if your heart is not in the marriage then perhaps it is time for you to go. This isn't healthy for anyone in your household and its very frustrating to want something from someone and they never give it. But being resentful isn't going to help you. It is very stressful and then you ask God why he is allowing this to happen to you.

I did that and instead of leaving him I turned to God for the strength to get through it and I treat my h just the same even though nothing has changed. I had to accept that he was just that way and I either live with it or not. Sometimes we can't afford to just leave because of finances so we feel stuck.

But we don't have to be. We have a big God and he can show you what to do and when to do it. Or he can give you the strength and courage to deal with what you have to. I think that you need to hear positive things from us and that we shouldn't be snapping at each other on this post because that doesn't have anything to do with the issue here and isn't helping.

We all have a right to our opinion but not everyone knows how you feel and what you are going through. It's hard to be sunshine and light when you feel your world is crashing down around you. But you can't let this destroy you or discourage you because your son is looking to you for guidance and his young life is what's important.

You are dealing with a lot, just as I did with two young children and I left my ex and I have never looked back and have always been glad I did what I did. I had to protect my children and regardless of how my h acts now and what I am going through, I still do not regret doing what I did. I can't tell you what to do about this.

All I can say is that God will help you do whatever it is you need to do, just as he did for me.
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Old 5th September 2011, 07:10 AM   #82
Shasha
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Re: Married and lonely

Hi again,
Baroness, Raymond, Helen, chosen, and forever, you guys are a God sent! When I read some of your views, it has brought a tear or two to my eyes, mainly because, I believe the Lord is using you to encourage me at this time. Thanks so much for your wise words.

The church I attend has no support groups to help married people, like me, so thank God for the course I am now enrolled in, which provides for such support.

My household is not filled with anger, turmoil and resentment. No, far from it. Because I want to maintain a happy and comfortable atmosphere, I do not nag at my h at all, although I had done so for a short time. If anyone comes to our house, they will never know that there is a problem in our marriage, although people have suspected by some of the things that have happened outside the house. For instance someone asked me if things were okay, when my husband irresponsibly forgot to pick up our son from school on more than one occasion.

Also, his after school teacher suspected something was wrong when he did not take any interest in our son's French class, by what she saw. She said that I did not have to say anything to her, but she knows that something is not right with him. But what could I say? If they are seeing things, without me saying anything at all, you can imagine the extent of our problem.

I have never had an argument with my h in front of my friends or his family or relatives. I try to keep civil conversations with him, when our son is at school. Our son knows that something is wrong, by the questions he asks me about his dad. Sometimes, I do not have the answers, so I just tell him to pray or go ask his dad.

Some people may be supportive of men, despite their bad behaviour, esp. in a marriage. Some tend to be even male sympathizers, no matter what they do. Well, I am so sorry that others feel that they have to defend such men. It seems they have a soft heart, when it comes to men in general and try to justify what they do.

The statistics of men killing their wives or partners is very high and domestic violence is on the rise, for one reason or another. Our society needs to dig into the reasons why men lash out and mistreat their wives and even sometimes their own children.

Again, just to reiterate, my home is free from arguments and I do not hate my h. Yes, I am upset with what he is doing to himself, his home and his marriage, but as I've said before, I do hurt and I am human. I am also not going to sit back and make him abuse me in anyway.

My fighting back involves trusting the Lord, like I've never done before and focusing on Him. I do things to make me happy and at the same time plan for my future and for my son's. Whether people like it or not, that's my own defence.

Oh, by the way, my h does not object to me planning for my future and for doing things to make me happy. He has never expressed that he hated what I do. As long as he has his space and can do what he wants, he does not care about anything else. That's just the way he is.

Thanks and God bless.
Shasha
__________________
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son,
That whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

"For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world,
But that the world through Him
might be saved." JN 3:16,17

Grace be with you all.
God bless!
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Old 5th September 2011, 01:14 PM   #83
chosen
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Re: Married and lonely

Shasha
As others have said lean on God and trust Him.
The verse that cames to my mind is the one from proverbs 3v5-7
lean on, trust in and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind, and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognise and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.

Not sure if you have heard of that amusing phrase that says "Submitting to your husband is ducking so that God can hit him" I love that.
Sometimes we need to draw closer to God, and stop trying to change our husbands so that God can hit them. lol. Your husband needs dealing with over this porn, as it is so damaging for the marriage and for him and you. I am not sure how he can justify it if he is a believer, as it is expressly going against Gods instructions not to lust after other women.
However, pray for him, lean on God, and see what He leads you to do.
God Bless
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Old 5th September 2011, 04:10 PM   #84
1aokgal
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Re: Married and lonely

I sympathize with anyone in an unhappy marriage. No one can take sides when two people are in pain and have lost years of their lives and a marriage fails. It is a bad situation and one that takes work to plan for a better future. I also believe in fair conduct. I believe when a man makes an effort for his family and it goes as nothing, rather than for a woman to say she appreciates those efforts, that she doesn't do her part. I don't agree with a mindset that a woman call her husband an idiot under any circumstances. That is gross disrespect when he is the one who keeps a roof over a womans' head. If one can pray, one can realize this is unchristian behavior.

I think it is wrong to use another as a meal ticket rather than be honest to say," I intend to leave, the marriage is not working." Sasha mentioned "working for her retirement." In order to do that in the US a woman needs to be work full time and pay into the Social Security system. Nobody can live on less than $200 month at age 65, unless they find another man to support them. It seems a woman who doesn't care anymore would go ahead and move back home and put those escape plans into motion. That would be better for all parties. Other women here did just that. Perhaps she is afraid to hold a real job.

Now there is no attempt to put quality into the marriage. One cannot expect changes in another without doing a share. In the love she might have shared with this man it would be worth to see if they could work through some issues together. There is belief he wants to do better and changes might work. The child internalizes hostility in a household so keeping a surface situation is not the best for him. If it is true it is over, this man has a right to know so he can plan his future as well.

Holding onto a marriage for convenience robs the other person of honesty and a chance to begin anew. We don't know how God might be working in this man to change him. It is obvious he does make an effort with his family. That would be a beginning if a woman cared enough to build on that. A loving heart can do many things. The problem I see is to play with a hidden agenda which robs all.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 5th September 2011 at 07:25 PM.
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Old 5th September 2011, 04:32 PM   #85
Raymond
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Re: Married and lonely

I am so glad you came back Sasha. It would have been a tragedy if you departed because you felt some condemnation coming across on here. We are not here for that. If there is any straight talk it would be done in love from most. You talk about your defence but beloved sister you do not need a defence. We are not judges, or shouldn't be. We both know who the accuser of the brethren is. You have been walking through this tragedy for a long time. Please take an online hug from me.

There has been talk of your behaviour and how to be in this situation. Yes you should be like a christian as some of us are endeavouring to be as well, but in no way do you endorse his immoral behaviour for one minute. Please be clear on that. It not only harms the marriage but also your son needs protection as you will readily know from your husband's history. You don't want to be an enabler of this behaviour by some half baked theory on love. You certainly need God's wisdom in the situation.

Personally I don't believe that God expects you to show romantic love with this going on as the porn will have cut though that. Rather you need to confront this behaviour, not necessarily in a militant way, but certainly in a consistent way. Who else will do that for him? Of course we have to love, even our enemies it says, but loving our enemies does not mean we enable their sin for one minute. You've said that to a certain extent on your replies and I agree with it.

I also thouroughly agree with Forever's comments on the financial situation. You have certainly made your contributions to the household and courts these days do recognise this in the settlements they make if it comes to that.

Last edited by Raymond; 5th September 2011 at 04:38 PM.
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Old 5th September 2011, 05:58 PM   #86
chosen
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Re: Married and lonely

Totally agree with you Raymond. The mother does an equally important a job as the husband whether she works part time, full time, or as a full time mother. Women arent afriad to get a full time job, they know that their children need them for more than for 2 or 3 hours a day. While the child is young the father will need to pay her and the child maintenance, if she has the child most of the time, and she will almost certaily be allowed to stay in the home till the child is 18, at which point she will almost certianly be awarded half the value of the home if it has to be sold. The court always put the childrens needs first, regardless of who has earnt what.

No women can be expected to be loving and to have sex with a man who constantly lusts after other women (which to my mind is unnfaithfullness) That kills the intimacy. After all, which naked woman is he thinking about when they have sex? One of the many he has seen that day probably.

God Bless

Last edited by chosen; 5th September 2011 at 06:35 PM.
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Old 5th September 2011, 06:35 PM   #87
1aokgal
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Re: Married and lonely

In US courts there is no longer separate maintenance paid by the husband to keep a woman in the home until the child is 18! There are no "settlements" today in favor of Ex-wives but only distribution of marital assets as a home in community property states. This is no rich man and he will pay no maintnenance.

The only money he has to pay is child support until age 18. There is one child, and Sasha will be lucky to get $150 a month support. He will be ordered to add the child on his health insurance plan for a temporary time. That is old school thought that the man will continue to support an EX-wife! It is not done. Only the very rich pay maintenance as Tiger Woods, a notorious philanderer, shown to be at fault in marriage by high power lawyers. Mel Gibson, since he was at fault with many children, a long marriage and assets. This man is a policeman. He is not responsible for her keep in future. She is an adult and she will pay her own way.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 5th September 2011 at 06:46 PM.
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Old 5th September 2011, 06:54 PM   #88
Helen_uk
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Re: Married and lonely

The courts in the UK don't pay maintenance for ex wives either unless the child is disabled and in need of care or under school age.

They do allow the carer of the child ( which in this case would be the mother ) to remain in any jointly owned property until the child / children reach the age of 18 , however they would be liable for the mortgage for the most part . Sexual equality laws mean wives are not considered property of a husband or an ex husband as they used to be and are therefore responsible for their own living. Which is how it should be really , we wanted equality so can hardly complain now that we have it !

Once the child reaches 18 ( 19 if the child is still in full time education ) the property has to be sold and any equity divided equally, the wife may be entitled to some N.I contributions for the child care years toward her state pension, but that amounts to peanuts really. She may also be entitled to a part share of any private pension for any years she was primary carer of a child and therefore unable to work, again for normal families this is peanuts.
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Old 5th September 2011, 07:22 PM   #89
1aokgal
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Re: Married and lonely

In the US a marriage beyond 10 years means the wife can also get a portion of a Social Security benefit paid out to her husband at age 65 as a monthly subsidy. Since this man is a policeman it would not be much. There is also pension he accumulates with the state and EX-wife gets a portion there on retirement age.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 6th September 2011 at 05:32 AM.
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Old 5th September 2011, 07:35 PM   #90
chosen
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Re: Married and lonely

I know of many cases where maintenance was paid by the husband for the mother (as well as the children) while they were fairly young. I never said that it would be paid till they were 18.
Helen is right that in most cases the carer of the child or children is allowed to stay in the home until the children are 18. At that time it would be sold and the proceeds split according to what has been agreed in the divorce.
Dads here pay far more than $150 for each child. MY ex husband wasnt earning much at all, and he paid 400 a month for our youngest child till she left full time education at nearly 19. This was the amount worked out by the CSA(child support agency) and depended on what he earnt and what his outgoings were etc.
If the wife works and the husband is the carer, then the wife has to pay maintenance to him. When my brothers ex left him for another man, the 2 teenagers stayed with him and she paid him maintenance for them.

Many cases dont go to court thankfully, but are agreed between the 2 spouses.
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