Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 26th October 2011, 10:52 PM   #136
Baroness
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Its osteoarthritus and there is no cure and you're right, I am doing better today because about six this morning I started reading my bible and praying and became determined that not even arthritus is going to get me down. The idea came to me to fast and pray for these issues in my life. The only cure is if God heals me and I believe in healing and I know he can do it.

It looks like I don't have much going for me in that my body hurts and my man is like a mannequin just sitting there watching tv and I get no encouragement from him, but I have God the the bible said to delight thyself in him and he would give you the desires of your heart and to wait on him and that's what I plan on doing.

I felt so much better after my time with God and I spend over an hour just thanking him for the answers. Yesterday I felt like there was no reason to live if it had to be like this and nothing has changed with him but God did touch me and my back is much better today and I can't let the enemy win. I am an assembly of God christian but I have learned to be open minded and not so 'one way, only way' like my mother.

I believe in the bible and in God and even though I have rough days, if I keep my eyes on him and in the word then maybe I won't handle the rough times like I have been doing. Its just hard when everything goes wrong but I know this is the enemy because i'm getting closer to God.
 
Old 27th October 2011, 08:23 AM   #137
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

You sound much better today baroness and have talked yourself up or encouraged yourself in the Lord. Well done.

Remember by His stripes you were healed. I know it's a matter of appropriating that and it can be a battle but the provision for our healing has already been made.

There's not much you can do about hubby except to seek God for yourself. That will affect him in the long run.
Raymond is offline  
Old 27th October 2011, 08:17 PM   #138
Baroness
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

That's exactly what I have been doing. It has occurred to me for the first time that God might have a ministry in mind for me and i'm so focused on what is happening here that its holding me back. When I was younger I had the gift of healing in our church. I was very young but God would lead me to who needed healing in their body and I would lay hands on them and they would be healed.

That was a long time ago and I also had faith for others in their lives, my mom is always telling me I have a lot of faith and I do intercessory prayer for others, I don't know if you know what that means. It seems that I do have a lot of faith when it comes to over people, but its just my own life I have doubts about. However; I have given my life over to God and everything in it.

I don't want anything to hold me back when God opens a door for me spiritually speaking and it is my own thoughts and disappointment that keep me from believing God can make a difference in my life. I believe that he can but I get bogged down with this boring man I live with who doesn't seem to want to do anything.

I have to rise above my own negative thoughts and disappointment and go on for the lord no matter what my h acts like or does. God will only change a life if that wants and accepts Gods intervention. I have changed quite a lot since I have been praying for him to change. He hasn't changed at all that I can see. He still makes no effort but I might have to just accept that he is the way he is.

But that doesn't mean my life has to be as stagnant as his is. He is very stubborn and believe that I will leave him one day. He says it in jest but I think he believes that after all these years. But I don't see him making much of an effort. The effort is basically all mine and now I have to let it go. I can't spend all my life worrying about if i'm ever going to have sex again.

I have to turn this over to God because he has greater things for me and when I continually dwell on how my marriage is lacking, it isn't moving forward. I have to look at the good things that I do have, and yes, even the things about him that are good. This doesn't mean I deny what is or isn't happening, it just means I have to leave it to God and somehow get through the times when I am depressed about his lack of........well, his lack of life, really.

He's like a dead person who just sits there and watches tv and get annoyed when I disturb him. If this marriage fails it won't be because I didn't try or gave up. I can only do everything I can but I'm done with trying to get him to respond to me or even talk to me because its useless. If he wants to live his life in a cocoon of just tv and running up and playing in the woods, then so be it.

I am going to look forward to the wonderful things God has in store for me and I will go on, arthritus or not, and do what God wants me to do and I have already started by putting him first in my day. Sometimes I feel trapped in this house of silence, but I don't have to be. Jesus will free me of the shackles that have bound me so far.
 
Old 29th October 2011, 09:37 AM   #139
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

You can do much worse things with your time than healing the sick and interceding Baroness but you still have to keep right in your marriage as that will affect what you do. It won't be a hobby or distraction but a calling, if that is what He is calling you to.

I think you need to be a little careful in the way you talk about him. When you talk about him as boring it doesn't quite ring true to me. I know you are just venting but you can create a wedge if you are not careful. You obviously need other activities and you will be bored if you are not doing them.
Raymond is offline  
Old 29th October 2011, 09:36 PM   #140
Baroness
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I will explain to you what I mean by boring, Raymond. He goes up to the canyon in the morning. He comes home and sits on the sofa and watches tv. He does not move all day except to go to the bathroom. I fix dinner and take it to him. He says thank you. I do the dishes and he's watching reruns so I go on my computer and sometimes watch movies. I don't see him again unless he comes into the bathroom and then he doesn't say anything.

In all this time he does not talk to me and when I try to start a conversation he will nod and act like I am disturbing him. I stay in here until its time to go to bed and he will either already be in bed with the lights out or will stay up watching God knows what. Every day is like that except for thursday when he doesn't go up to the canyon and then he sits there from morning to night doing the same thing.

On sunday because there is football he will buy beer and will sit there and watch football and I will too and he will be more friendly when he drinks and even tells me he loves me and sometimes makes me laugh but mostly stares off in his own world. It used to be, over a year ago, that he would come to bed and we'd make love, now he just sits there until I go to bed and sleeps on the sofa.

If this is not boring then please tell me what is.
 
Old 29th October 2011, 09:47 PM   #141
Baroness
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Also, I do keep myself very busy. I am painting christmas houses now and I also am working on a novel. I do many things that are creative including decorating the house for the holidays. In the 4 years we have been here we only went out to dinner once and that was for my birthday and I wanted to go to Olive Garden. We do not go out to the movies anymore and we do not eat out.

We have no friends coming over because he doesn't like my best friend Mickey and so he likes to just sit where he is. Most mornings he is gone up at the canyon and so I can watch what I want. There is no affection or anything unless he has had a few beers. He never tells me I look nice or compliments me in anyway and the only interest he has is the news and politics.

He is not interested in going out with me and says we don't have the money and the only way he has a personality at all is if he's drinking. He's tired all the time and takes naps and while he isn't going to the bar anymore, he is doing the same thing here. He is very popular up at the canyon but he isn't popular here.

However; I show him a lot of love and smile at him and just accept all this because the alternative would be to argue and still get nowhere. When I pray and read the bible this helps me to deal with it all. But at night when I go to bed it is very difficult. I told you he treats me like a roommate and I am not exaggerating in anything i've told you.

This is exactly what happens on a day to day basic unless he snaps at me for something and last time I snapped right back and then we forget about it and so this is what my life is like. When he does talk about when we'll have more money he says then we can go to the bar. That's what he thinks us getting out and doing something consists of.

I have lived this way for a long time and we do co exist together pretty well unless he's irritable about something. When something bothers him up at the canyon he will spend a lot of time venting to me but when I need to vent he is not interested. I am not trying to paint a picture that is false. This is what I live with.

He isn't interested in trying in this relationship. He is kind though and speaks to me in a kind tone most of the time but does not want to discuss our relationship or sex or anything else and he expects me to just accept the way he is. The only time he really talks to me is when he's been drinking and then I will have a nice time with him every once in awhile. Still, the evenings used to wind up with sex and now they wind up the same way whether he's drinking or not and that is me alone.

This isn't a marriage anymore, it is two people who basically get along living together. I am a very loving person but he keeps everyone at a distance.
 
Old 29th October 2011, 09:48 PM   #142
Forever
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

That's BORING....Who is the real person? The one he is when he is drinking...or the one he is when he is not?
Forever is offline  
Old 30th October 2011, 09:11 AM   #143
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I agree that is very boring for you Baroness.

I think you just have to be a livewire yourself without him. There will be answers as you seek God and develop a lifestyle for yourself. My wife doesn't wait for me. She does all sorts of things when I am work and I am glad that she does. She's out and about all over the place but she always picks me up from work. Then we might go swimming or get ready for housegroup in our house or just enjoy pottering about.

It sounds like you have married an unbeliever inbibing TV all day. Or maybe he is a believer and needs to stir himself up a bit. I don't know what you can do about it except pray and model Jesus in your life. Do what you are doing I would say. That's when you are talking yourself up of course. You will bear fruit if you keep at it.
Raymond is offline  
Old 1st November 2011, 07:40 PM   #144
Baroness
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

We actually had a good talk sunday and I think I finally understand him and why he's been acting the way he has. Of course I still don't understand why he doesn't sleep with me totally, but I'm beginning to. He has a lot of stress right now, which he opened up to me about. We make it financially but have nothing left over and he said we can't even go out to dinner and this is what he's been thinking about; that he's tired of this.

I had an alternative solution for him. We could move out to the desert where my mother lives and I showed him pictures of two bedroom houses for anywhere from $525 - 625 a month. We pay $810 now and that would free up a lot of money. He said that next year around June we would probably do this because things are pretty bad here as far as high prices go.

Not only would I finally have a house but I would be near my mother and brother and be available as my mother gets older. He doesn't want to leave the canyon where he goes every day but I told him there is a big forest up there and he can volunteer. I can tell he doesn't want to really do this but he is also open to God opening doors. We talked about God and he was venting quite a bit and I said why not just trust in God?

He said he is and he's been meditating but when I trust God I don't keep talking negatively about it to him over and over again, which is what he does. He's said the same exact thing to me last sunday. He is so caught up in fixing the van and paying the bills that he gives little thought to sex and may be incapable of it but that doesn't explain the past year but I didn't push it. He said he knew we would be together forever and that he loved me.

Since then I have been my same happy self whether he is talking or not. I see no reason for me to continually be silent just because he is. I intend on just being myself and being affectionate, which I do not do when he just sits there and doesn't say much. What he's doing is sitting there worrying about all this and there is no need to. First of all, I gave over everything to God and its like a heavy burden has been lifted and I don't feel depressed anymore.

Usually in the morning I'm kind of quiet because when I wake I think about what he isn't giving me but now I read my bible right away before any negative thoughts can come. I truly am not worried about my future. God told me everything is going to be okay and if he wants to sit there and brood about things that haven't happened yet; fine. But I'm going to be happy and look forward to the things God has in store for us. I think he was a little surprised yesterday when he was getting ready to leave and I jumped up and said, Hey! You haven't given me a hug in awhile! And then I hugged him and he hugged me back. Maybe he just needs a little encouragement and to know that we are in this together.

He's done this before, been all quiet because he's worried and it always upsets me because he isn't thinking about us, but that's the way he is and I usually react to the way he is, but why should I put myself through such mental turmoil? Just be myself and maybe he will even see that a true christian trusts God and believes in him, not just lip service, and believes in him so much that they thank him for the answer first.

I believe now that God closed the door on those apartments because he either saw something that was going to happen or he has something better for us. A nice 2 bedroom house with land all around it is definitely better than a one bedroom with a small patio. My h is the outdoors type and we have no yard or patio here so once he's out in nature he is happier.

With a yard and room to breathe I know we would both be happier and I believe also that this is what God had in mind from the first. Everything happens for a reason. I don't really believe in coincidence or things happening by chance. Not when you are looking to God for answers. He may not want to move away from this canyon but who knows what God has in store for him up there and how he will use him?

We are talking about God more in our lives and somehow during the evening of conversation ,my worries about him and I, left. Maybe once he doesn't have a car repair over his head and is in a place where we can free ourselves of stress, he will relax and pay attention to this relationship. I don't understand why he can't do both, but I know he is like this.

The answer to your question, Forever, is that he is more himself when he's had a couple of beers because he's relaxed enough to tell me what he's been keeping inside. When he's sober he keeps things to himself because he doesn't want to worry me and this is what he told me. I personally believe worry is a sin because if you truly trust God you shouldn't worry.

However; I am guilty of something similar when I give everything to God and still have moments when i'm upset that he isn't sleeping with me and I feel frustrated because we are wasting so much time. I do trust God but its hard to wait sometimes. I still feel he isn't being quite fair in not making an effort to be with me. What's wrong with turning to the one you love in times of trouble?

To make love and strengthen your bond, to just hold hands or hold each other when you sleep? When i've had a hard day I go to him for a hug. I guess men don't feel that way, at least this one doesn't but I have to let him be himself and accept it and I also have to be myself and not let his moods determine what kind of day I have, or whether i'm in a good mood or not.

The good news is that my back feels so much better since i've been taking these over the counter back pain pills. There are no side effects and it doesn't make me drowsy and I feel 10 years younger. I plan on occupying myself with things I like to do and I have been doing this but I would like he and I to do things also, but first we have to take one step at a time.

I just hope nothing else is going on to cause his lack of interest in sleeping with me, like he'd rather m or something. I know he has been faithful and I know he loves me, its different than the way I love him. I would do anything for him and have and if I didn't want to have sex and I knew he wanted it I would make the attempt because I loved him. However; I haven't had any more instances where I walk into the room at night and his movements make me think he's been m. I don't know if he has or not but I know a normal man would not prefer that to being with a woman who fulfilled his needs and he's told me he loves to make love to me before.

I know its a little different for a man because if his member doesn't work then the party is over and I think stress can do this, but he's told me himself that God obviously has something better for us so he needs to practice what he preaches. Anyway, if I feel affectionate i'm going to go hug him, if he comes in with a frown, i'm going to smile at him. It isn't important that I feel these things might not be reciprocated.

And who knows? Maybe he needs me to be my cheerful self, maybe amidst his stress, what he needs to see is me being happy and self confident. I haven't done that because when I try to talk to him he just nods and acts like i'm disturbing him. Well, I'm going to disturb him! I'm going to disturb him right out of his negative thoughts!

Last edited by Baroness; 1st November 2011 at 07:52 PM.
 
Old 3rd November 2011, 03:00 PM   #145
Baroness
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Good news. He went to get the van smogged and it passed. He did a partial tune up and we saved $150 and you should see the difference in him. He's more relaxed and he actually slept with me and held me all night tightly. We're getting along better and he's talking more. I told him that I had told him that God would take care of everything and he didn't have to worry.

There wasn't much doubt in my mind that it would work out and he just worries about things he doesn't have to. Thats where faith in God comes in. I told him I prayed about it and I knew God was going to take care of things. I didn't know we'd wind up saving $150 but when God does something he does it right.

His whole demeanor is different. We were dancing together in the front room to oldies and singing together. He's an excellent guitarist and he plays the banjo and has a good voice and I do as well, I was in the church chior for all of my youth and it was nice to sing again. Him holding me all night was nice also and sometimes I think he's waiting for me to make the first move, like in the morning but i'm unsure because the last thing I want to do in try and initiate something and be refused and him make excuses.

I even put on the neglige he likes and we had a nice time. This is more like the h I knew but work still needs to be done. At least now I feel comfortable enough to tell him what I'm thinking and he has gotten some of his sense of humor back. He had me laughing yesterday and he's right, we will be together forever.

I'm sorry if i've repeated anything. I don't remember what I told you on the 1st of Nov. God is helping me get through a difficult time. I don't like change much, especially in my relationship, but its obvious that he still loves me and wants me and I think I need to lighten up on all the thinking I do about him and me.

I need to focus on God, which is what I've been doing, but not dwell so much on what I think is missing in this relationship. I didn't say anything to him about not making love to me because I want him to feel he can sleep with me without repercussions of any kind. I still love him very much and I'm looking forward to our thanksgiving, just the two of us. For whatever reason; we seem to work together, even if things aren't as I would prefer.

The most important thing is that I know he has no desire to cheat on me and I know he loves me and watches out for me. I feel safe with him. God help me, but I am still attracted to him.
 
Old 11th November 2011, 05:56 PM   #146
Baroness
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Baronness

I don't think I will post on here anymore. I'm not really getting much feedback and things are not changing in my relationship. There is no reason for me to continue to be unhappy. I am still praying and reading the word but the truth is that he isn't putting an effort into this relationship and I don't think that will change, whether I pray or not.

God has given me the strength to not wallow in anger but things are going wrong in this household and sometimes I feel like I am out of God's will. One bad thing after another happens and it has driven us further apart in many ways. The fact that he worries about things that are happening with our finances should have nothing to do with whether he sleeps with me or not.

Meanwhile, I have all this love to give and I don't feel comfortable in my own home anymore. I know its difficult for couples when bad things happen but there doesn't seem to be anything between us anymore. I think he does love me but that it is a selfish love. I think he has been m all along and it hardly matters if he has or hasn't because he is not fulfilling his responsibilities regarding us as a couple.

I've said all along that I don't think relationships can last without sex and I think I am right. There might be some women who can live this way but I am not one of them. I have asked God to open a door for me to leave if that is what he wants. We have a common law marriage and not one where we actually had a wedding. He wants to have a wedding, or so he says, but he keeps making excuses for that as well.

I feel like i'm married to him and in the eyes of the law I am because next may we will have been together ten years but that isn't in the eyes of God, I don't think. It will go one of two ways. He will either start paying attention and making an effort or this relationship will just fall apart. I have mixed emotions about it but feel he is holding me back spiritually since God has a calling on my life.

He will not go to church with me. He meditates by himself and that is it. Meanwhile, God is teaching me many things about my own self and other spiritual things that have little to do with this marriage. I am tired of trying to hold things together but I am trapped here right now. He is putting more pressure on me because I have no money coming in here and I am still waiting on disability.

I'm tired of him venting to me about how hard he has it and if I don't get disability I don't know what it will be like around here. My back is getting worse and he is always withdrawn so I can't share anything with him and he seems to have no empathy about the pain I live with because he hurt his back years ago. If I get worse he will not be able to take care of me. He is often edgy and moody and I can't have someone like that where I would feel I am a burden.

I bent over backwards to take care of him when he was flat on his back and I had only known him 2 months. The feeling will not be reciprocated and I have my family who would be more than happy to help me out. My back hurts and neck but I still have good days. Why should I have to spend the rest of my life like this?

When we got that break on the smog check for the van he went to the bar and spent the money we had saved. He could have taken me out to eat or something and so I say once a drunk always a drunk. He hasn't been going to the bar for a long time but when he gets money that's what he does. That's what he thinks going out means.

He's too caught up in his own world to realize he's in danger of losing me. How did he think this would work? No attempt at closeless or sex or anything at all. He's perfectly happy to sit in there and watch reruns and have me go in here. I cook for him and clean house but I am not his nurse and caretaker. I am too young to just give up on life like he has.

I am capable of deep love and I can make a man happy and have always done so but there comes a time when the time for just settling for what you have is over. I have been praying about this and if God opens the door I will walk through it. He is bringing me down to his negative outlook and if it wasn't for God I would be very depressed.

I have the victory and I know God has good things in store for me!
 
Old 12th November 2011, 06:14 PM   #147
Forever
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

We had no idea that the two of you were not married. That changes the whole landscape. As for not getting much feedback...well, sometimes we feel that someone just wants to vent...and other times, especially when we dont have all the facts, we dont have all the answers.
Forever is offline  
Old 12th November 2011, 07:36 PM   #148
Baroness
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

No one has all the answers. I came on here to see if there was anyone living thru something similar and I found out that there are many women who do. In the eyes of the law we are married and have been engaged for over five years. I feel married, i've been with him for so long. He says he feels like we are married too and that a piece of paper isn't going to change that. I have to go by what the bible says even though we don't sleep together anymore.

Regardless, I have to stop thinking about what is wrong with us so much and wait for an open door to either move on or remain. Since I obviously can't accept my relationship the way it is, it might be better to move on but I am waiting for God to show me how to do this. Finances are the problem right now but won't always be and I have to be careful in what I decide.

No one can tell me what to do about this. It did help to hear of other people having the same problem but I am not the type to just accept this and just deal with whatever he dishes out. But today I made a resolution to stop dwelling on this, to stop talking about it on line and to my family and friends. Its getting me nowhere and only makes me frustrated.

I'm okay with it a lot of the time but then comes the time when I am alone in my bed that I am not okay with it and I don't think I ever will be and so you see, there is a lot of work to be done and a lot to think about but it isn't helping me to constantly dwell on it.

Whether he purposely shuts me out or he doesn't mean to, is really beside the point. I am being shut out and after I have opened my heart and life to him and have for many years. I do not fear for my future. I am trusting in God to show me the way. I have complete faith in him and so no one has to worry about me. There has never been a short supply of men in my life but the last thing I need is another disastrous relationship.

Perhaps God wants me to remain here, perhaps he's not finished with his work in my fiance, if you prefer me to call him that. I don't know, but I do know that God will show me but I have to trust in him. That's what this has been about all along. Me getting close to God and trusting him. The enemy is attacking me in many ways but I will not be defeated.

I love god and believe in the bible and feel he has a calling on my life. All the things I have gone through in my life can help me to help other women who have gone through some of the things I have or maybe all of the things. A lot has happened to me that I haven't put on here and I believe we are allowed to go through things because God can use that.

I'm not saying God wants us to make bad choices but we do make them but instead of living with guilt I think he can use our mistakes to glorify him in the end. Thank you all for talking with me and sharing and it has enriched my life and in a way brought me back to a closeness with God, but better than I had before. I was drowning before I came on here and seriously contemplating an affair.

Now I wouldn't do that because I am walking closely with God and can no longer do things that are not pleasing to him. My walk with him has changed the way I think and now I have decided not to dwell on the negativity in my life and that includes this man who shuts me out even though I have given my all.

I do not hate him or even resent him all that much. Clearly he is incapable of understanding me or he doesn't want to and he is also incapable of understanding me as a christian and in fact, doesn't desire a closer walk with God because he thinks he has arrived at what God wants for him and there is no more. But there is more, there is much, much more.
 
Old 12th November 2011, 07:47 PM   #149
Forever
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Have you ever read that part in the Bible about Jesus talking with the woman at the well?
Forever is offline  
Old 13th November 2011, 12:14 AM   #150
Baroness
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Yes but refresh my memory. What does that have to do with me?
 
Closed Thread

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 03:25 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright 1999-2020 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer