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Old 10th December 2011, 10:57 PM   #271
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I guess I'm just not ready to give up yet. He has been drawing closer to me in some ways and when I pray I feel a lot of love for him and I also feel kind of sorry for him. It must be hard to once be a virile man and then not be. I don't know what his problem is; whether it be physical or mental, but I feel bad for him because I feel it is something he can't help.

He is otherwise very nice and considerate and since I got him the pills yesterday for his cough, he has been doing much better. He must feel like a failure sometimes, when he admits to himself that he can't make love like he used to. Of course this has nothing to do with him not marrying me before now but I asked God to help him with his issues, because he's the only one who can.

You can't live with a man this long and just walk away without a backwards look or thought. I still care for him very much and we have built a life together and in fact, get along most of the time. I just can't shake the feeling that God has something he wants to do in Gabby and that I have been part of this plan.

I don't know. I'm praying about it and that's all I can do. When I lost my job he could have just kicked me out and said that wasn't the arrangement we had. I have known men who would have done this. Instead; he did the best he could and he is entitled to a little frustration. I don't agree with living in a sexless marriage, if it came to that, but sometimes we can't help the way our body reacts or changes as we get older.

Especially if we've worked very hard all our lives and drank for many years. I can't turn my back on him because he's sick or his body is going through things, if that is the reason. God alone knows and that's why I'm waiting for him to show me what to do.

Apparently he wants me to remain here another possibly 9 months. If it was his will for me to leave, then why would he do that? I'm trying to use reason to figure this out but I know God is trying to do something; I just don't know what.

I hope everyone has a nice holiday and I wish you all a Merry Christmas.
 
Old 11th December 2011, 12:44 AM   #272
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

So, Chosen, you are saying there are men that have no problems? That are perfect? If they don't have these physical hang ups then they have mental ones and I never said that women don't. I am saying from my own experience, and I have every right to say so, I have come across many men and they all seem to have one problem or another.

First husband was a drug addict, second was lazy and couldn't hold a job and was a terrible father and husband, another man I knew wanted sex in a way that is totally against God, another was a drug addict. Gabby used to drink and doesn't so much anymore, but look at all the issues he carries around with him.

Some men don't trust women and I just talked to one not long ago, some are into porn and some you can't trust to stay faithful. I would like to believe that there are christian men out there who don't have any of these problems, but are they domineering or the opposite; let a woman run right over them? Some women have issues too.

But this woman has this issue because of a man who has his own issues and therefore causes a lot of confusion and hurt.
 
Old 12th December 2011, 12:52 PM   #273
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Not that I'd try to reply on behalf of Chosen........ Not at all..x

This thread has been going for so long but what you're covering, Baroness, is well beyond what this thread is really about - "sexless marriage" or "H does not want sex".

Your posts are mainly about you not able to move on emotionally and your constant frustrations from not getting what you want from him. Besides your issues with finance, there are many other issues you have covered so far which are well beyond the scope of this particular thread.

Sometimes, Chosen does not put it tactfully as many of us are also guilty of but I can imagine that she is also quite frustrated that you're perpetually falling back into a disgruntled and angry state. And you are constantly very passive and often reactive to whatever bothers you.

If I'm really blatantly honest, maybe, you're slightly addicted to the state you are in. People can be addicted to certain psychological states and they can be addicted to unhappiness even. If you complain much less and putting that extra energy into "doing" something instead, you might even start to feel better about yourself.

xx
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Old 13th December 2011, 04:16 AM   #274
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Don't be ridiculous. Of course I'm not addicted to unhappiness, what a ridiculous thing to say. This thread has gone on for one reason alone and that's for women who are dealing with their husbands not wanting them anymore for whatever reason.

There are no rules as to what can be said on here. I find a lot of help from 1aokgal and Chosen is frustrated because she is always on the side of the man or husband and wants people to do what she says. I have stated plainly that I am leaving this all to God and I have done something, I have decided to make the best of this situation and so we are getting along.

I can't be in limbo as to what I think and feel so until God shows me otherwise I will remain where I am. I haven't said its horrible here, I've said he's a nice man with issues, but we all have something that bothers us. I hardly even think about the no sex issue anymore. I've gone beyond that to thinking about what God wants for my life; about me being in his will.

I don't understand your comments at all. I've turned my attention to other things as was suggested and am not dwelling on the negative but keeping myself busy. I've even said I'm not unhappy so I don't understand where you are coming from and maybe I don't want to.

I am doing the best I can and sometimes people of here make it worse and then sometimes they make it better, but from what i've read only 1aokgal can truly understand what i'm going through because she has been through similar things.

I am not addicted to anything. I am a christian woman who is having a difficult time with a man she cares for and has discovered things about herself and has come closer to God in the process. That is all. I come on here to find someone to relate to not people to tell me what to do or what i'm doing wrong. I know what i've done and you might not agree with it, but I will not apologize for it.

God knows my heart and he knows I am earnest when I pray and that i'm just trying to deal with the changes in this relationship. It isn't that complicated. We all have days that are good and then some that are not so good, that's life but it doesn't mean someone is addicted to that way of life; just that she is now forced to deal with a different way of life.

And why should Chosen be frustrated? She has a man who supports her and she doesn't have to worry about where she's going to live. She may have other things to worry about, but we don't know about them. You can not understand what its like until you've walked in my shoes.
 
Old 13th December 2011, 04:27 AM   #275
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

And for the record; I feel great about myself. I don't need to feel better about myself because I like the person I am and I even like many things about him. There is nothing wrong with my self esteem and never has been. I am not the problem here, I am just trying to deal with it. I was just expecting things to remain the same, because they were very good at one time.

But things change and people change, we get older and grow apart but if God is in something then it will survive. It take strength to stick with something that is changing and if I didn't have strength I would have left a long time ago. Leaving is easy, the divorce rate will tell you that.

Sure, there are problems here that I am dealing with, but I'm not being abused or cheated on and I'm much better off that what some people are going through.
 
Old 13th December 2011, 05:32 AM   #276
chosen
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Baronness

baroness
No, you are not being abused or cheated on, that is what I said to you ages ago. He isnt a bad man and has weaknesses and failings just as we all do. I was never the one who thought you should leave him, but I do find it so hard to hear you put him down all the time when I know your words are so important, and that they can build up or tear down. What we think and say can change our lives for better or for worse. Things did change when you told us that you werent after all, married, because then you werent in that position of having made that covenant relationship with him, and that makes a vast difference.You hadnt made those promises of 'for better or for worse', and so werent committed in the same way.

As for me having a husband who supports me, we have a joint buisiness which supports us both. We both contribute to the buisiness. Please also remember that I was married before and I had to make a decision to end that marriage after 23 years, and spent 6 years as a single mum to three children. I know what it is like to have to end a relationship with a very very uncertain future with 3 dependants. Unlike you, I didnt have any parents or close family for support either. My parents were both dead then. It was me and the kids, and of course God.

I do pray that you will be able to make a decision soon, as all of this going to and fro in your mind cant be good for you or him. It will wear you down and drain you. In the end you will have to make a decision and stick with it, otherwise you will be in this situation for the rest of your life, just not knowing what to do, and spending a large part of your life being discontent and unhappy.
Theres nothing wrong with you staying together and just being companions, if thats what you choose, but whichever way you go, I hope that God gives you peace with that decision and that you can make the best of either staying or going. I think that it will be a relief for you(and him)when you have decided one way or the other.
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Old 13th December 2011, 04:35 PM   #277
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi All...

It is very frustrating to be in the situation where a relationship has gone sour. If Baroness was employed, with sufficient income, I think she would choose to move on and not stay there as "companions." It isn't just the sex thats' missing between them, it is the fun and emotional warmth of a good relationship. That is missing there with this man. He's over it, for whatever reason, and into his own world where he is in a cacoon of self interest.

He tells her "he can't stay there...around the house"..when he had a few days to do that. In a good relationship, a couple welcomes the chance to spend time doing things together. He leaves the house, as best he can, and she is left to her own devices. That doesn't feel real good, I think. He would rather be somewhere else.

There is an adjustment she has made to ignore what he does, so she can get through the days. That is how one clocks off a sentence somewhere, I think. That isn't moving forward for her, or changing things there with him. It is adjustment. She has learned his mind is set and now she just bides time. While she will criticize him about some things here, if anyone says anything to pick up on that thread, she will quickly defend him. I don't think she realizes she does that, when she has brought up a particular incident. That means her emotional attachment runs very deep. They have years together and she invested in him foolishly, to live together without that committment of marriage that makes people handle things differently. A married couple in trouble, might go to counselling together. They live life and see things as a couple. He is in it for himself, and keeps his income separate and is not married to her. That is another story.

I think she is too young to live in limbo, as she does here. There is still a chance she might find a better man, one day, who wants to be with her in every sense of that. The reality of financial need, has her depending on him for a place to live and a degree of safety. I just hope she will gain some strength and gets a break to see a better way open for her soon. Yes, I was in that position years back as well. Of course, I was in a bad marriage, which is not the same discussed here. This is a live-in situation so the rules of marriage don't apply.

I made the decision to divorce and left that area with a packed car, kids, and made a long trip to a risky new start. It took a few years of sheer hell to educate myself, work long hours and try to survive. I made a right decision to do it. Chosen speaks of a marriage as well, and she began again. Baroness has to make a decision that means she can move forward from this relationship. She is living in a holding pattern. This man may want to move forward as well. I am sure that is frustrating for both and sad. She is a nice lady and deserves to find some happiness.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 13th December 2011 at 08:46 PM.
 
Old 13th December 2011, 05:03 PM   #278
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baroness View Post
This thread has gone on for one reason alone and that's for women who are dealing with their husbands not wanting them anymore for whatever reason.

And why should Chosen be frustrated? She has a man who supports her and she doesn't have to worry about where she's going to live. She may have other things to worry about, but we don't know about them. You can not understand what its like until you've walked in my shoes.
I don't think the man you are living with is your husband as far as we know?
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Old 13th December 2011, 05:11 PM   #279
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Things did change when you told us that you werent after all, married, because then you werent in that position of having made that covenant relationship with him, and that makes a vast difference.You hadnt made those promises of 'for better or for worse', and so werent committed in the same way.

As for me having a husband who supports me, we have a joint buisiness which supports us both. We both contribute to the buisiness. Please also remember that I was married before and I had to make a decision to end that marriage after 23 years, and spent 6 years as a single mum to three children. I know what it is like to have to end a relationship with a very very uncertain future with 3 dependants. Unlike you, I didnt have any parents or close family for support either. My parents were both dead then. It was me and the kids, and of course God.
Hi Chosen

I should think she could have been a little more honest about her status and posted her own thread about her life, her problems, issues, thoughts etc rather than posting over this sexless marriage thread, pretending to be someone else other than who she was?
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Old 13th December 2011, 09:45 PM   #280
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I have already apologized for not revealing that we were married and I'm not going to do it again. And I am not saying negative things about him on here any longer and certainly not to his face. We have a working relationship which he wants to hang onto. I talked to him about it and he doesn't want this to end and asks me to be patient with him and I have done this always.

I have never put him down to his face or made him feel inadequate in any way. That is not the way I am. And I already made the decision, as I started earlier, that I was staying and doing the best I can. What else would you have me do, Chosen and Chamomile? We are getting along and when I pray and talk to God about it this is what I feel he wants me to do.

The relationship is not over in his mind at all but he feels he is doing the best he can under the circumstances and has told me this many times. I have said he is a good and kind man and that he also thinks of himself in the sexual problems here, but since I don't know the real reason; whether it be he's depressed or a physical condition,I can only guess.

There is love here for both of us and so I decided to stop thinking about leaving because I had to made a decison. I already stated that. What happens in the future I don't know. If he can't rise above his issues of being afraid of marrying then I will have to deal with that. There may come a time when I am able to go it alone and feel this is what I should do but right now I am where God wants me and so I have to deal with it the best way I can.

To leave him and find a man who is more like me is still possible but I can't base my whole life on that 'maybe' right now. I have been looking for work and have applied to two jobs here locally and will continue to do so. If I can't find a job then I will wait for the disability but my hands are tied right now. I do have faith in God, regardless of what I see, and I trust he will show me what to do.

It is pleasant between us right now and I feel I must continue to try in this relationship because I still care for him.If there were no feelings involved it would be a different story. I have told you all my personal feelings and sometimes you get on my case about it but I felt this thread was to express myself to you when I can't to anyone else. I never said I was perfect but I am not going to keep apologizing for what I've done in my life.

I don't feel he and I were a mistake, I feel God was working in Gabby and he has changed quite a bit. He won't discuss our sex life and doesn't like to talk about marriage so much either because there is nothing he can do about it now. This is what he says but I think he has a problem with marriage because of the past. I have asked God to deal with him but if he is unwilling to make this commitment then I cannot remain here with a man who doesn't even think enough of me to marry me.

Also, there is the problem of not having sex even if we were married and that is something I have a problem with. God knows my heart and he knows his too, and so I give it over to the higher power. I am not worried about what is going to happen to me because I know I will have the strength to handle whatever I must.

I am not talking negatively about him anymore but have just had to accept the way he is because he's been like this since i've known him even though he has improved very much. He smiles at me when I come in the room and talks to me more than before and I have always smiled at him and treated him the same, even though we didn't sleep together.

My frustration and unhappiness left when I started spending time with God and started doing other things such as the hats and my crafts. It is unfortunate that we have come to this, we were very happy at one time and we still manage to be happy regardless of what we are going through now. He has no idea of the pain he has caused me because he either doesn't want to think about it or assumes I will just adjust.

What he hasn't taken into consideration is that God doesn't want me to be unhappy or in an unsexual relationship once married and may very well have another plan for my life. All this has brought me to the point where I have given over everything to God and am just waiting for his will. I do know that he wants me to stay here for now and he doesn't want me to resent gabby.

So I am doing the best I can and hopefully I will either find a job or the disability will kick in. I don't know why I have to be in this position with this man, but God has to have a reason for it if nothing else but to bring me closer to God. I have no resentment towards gabby, in fact I feel a little sorry for him because of what he's going through.

That doesn't mean I will stay with him no matter what he does but God has given me the grace to handle it for now.
 
Old 13th December 2011, 09:51 PM   #281
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

And I was not pretending to be someone I was not. It wasn't like that; as I've already said. I wanted to hear what christian women had to say and I didn't even know this was a christian thread when I first came on to it, the caption said husband doesn't want sex so I posted because that was close to what I was going through since we have been together for so long.

Later on I was advised from a poster on here, who doesn't post anymore, that it wasn't important that I tell everyone that I wasn't married and I was told this in a personal email but then I did mention it finally and here we are.

I would also like to say that even if this relationship ends one day soon or later on, I could never regret being with him. We have had years together and while some of it was difficult I could never regret knowing gabby or loving him. He has given a lot to me as I have to him and I have been very happy and so has he.
 
Old 14th December 2011, 05:36 PM   #282
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post


Things did change when you told us that you werent after all, married, because then you werent in that position of having made that covenant relationship with him, and that makes a vast difference.You hadnt made those promises of 'for better or for worse', and so werent committed in the same way.


I do pray that you will be able to make a decision soon, as all of this going to and fro in your mind cant be good for you or him. It will wear you down and drain you. In the end you will have to make a decision and stick with it, otherwise you will be in this situation for the rest of your life, just not knowing what to do, and spending a large part of your life being discontent and unhappy.
Theres nothing wrong with you staying together and just being companions, if thats what you choose, but whichever way you go, I hope that God gives you peace with that decision and that you can make the best of either staying or going. I think that it will be a relief for you(and him)when you have decided one way or the other.
Hi

Anyway, I still think Chosen has summed up the situation very well.

I realize this site isn't much moderated (It seems that posters are mainly self-moderated) but we still follow basic rules such as keeping the discussions within the topic.

Baroness, you have gone wildly off topic as your situation isn't that of married couples hence creating all the confusions. You seem to think your situation is quite the same as most people who are married. I quite disagree.

Your problems and issues could have been best discussed in your own separate thread as you are not married and this thread is really intended for married people who are suffering from sexless issues within the scope of marriage.

I completely agree with Chosen whilst Chosen and I sometimes get the wrong end of stick It is just not going to solve any of your own problems by posting re. your character assassination against your partner.

You're like a pendulum. One day, you write that you cannot get enough of your partner and the next, you go on how sick and tired of your mate and how much you hate this man. See? This is hardly a straightforward "sexless marriage" issue.

People would have given you support and help even if you were honest about your status and the situation.
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Old 15th December 2011, 12:56 PM   #283
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Go easy Chamomile. Baroness has explained the position and has already apologised. It wasn't intentional from what I can see. I don't think we want to condemn people here, just offer advice if we can.
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Old 15th December 2011, 02:11 PM   #284
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Personally I wasnt in any way condemning her, as we get many here who are in relationships and arent married who we try to help, but now we do know that they were never married, it does mean that she is free to leave if, as she says, she just cant see herself being with him long term.If they had been married as we first thought, then things would be very different because there is no Biblical reason to divorce him.

Baroness, I think it must be very hard to be in that state of constantly not knowing whether you will stay or go, marry him or not marry him. It must be very draining emotionally for you, going back and forth back and forth, like you are. At some point the decision will need to be made both for you and him. 100% committment to marriage with him, or seperate for good. If you decide that you dont want to marry him and be with him for the rest of your life, then set him free to make a new life. He is in his mid 60s now and the older he gets the harder it will be for him(and you) to do that.

God has been teaching me lately how important the words that we speak are, and that is why I mentioned it. So many women tear down their husbands and marriages with their negative words, their discontentment and their complaining.

If you do decide to stay and get married, I recommend that you get the book called 'The power of a praying wife' by Stormie OMartian and pray those prayers over him every day. They are 100% scriptural. Dont even allow negative thoughts into your mind but replace them with Gods truth. God tells us to take every thought captive. Not easy I know, but the more you do it, the easier it will get. Joyce Meyer has a lot to say about the mind and feelings and emotions and thoughts, and how we must not let them blow us back and forth. Listen to her if you have her programmes on your tv. She is brilliant. Her book, 'The battefield of the mind' may help you a lot.

Last edited by chosen; 15th December 2011 at 02:18 PM.
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Old 15th December 2011, 06:57 PM   #285
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear All..

I think whether Baroness stays or goes, it is about her entrapment in financial questions/concerns, that decision rests. She stays because she doesn't feel empowered to leave. It isn't fair to continue to live with him, who is mid 60's, as Chosen mentions. This man has no responsibility to either support her, or to marry her, if he doesn't feel he wants to do that. The man has a bad back, yet he has bunked on a couch to allow her the bed for a year, from what she said here.

So while he has no legal necessity to uphold her living expenses, he has maintained her there. It seems he is trapped by her inability to move forward.

There is a legal premise in the US. Never allow a person to sleep over in your house, unless you agree with long term living. This situation can become the same as a "hold over tenant" who stays beyond a lease. I don't think (in this case Gabby & Baroness), are joint tenants legally, as Baroness a legal co-tenant on the apartment lease. They are not married. So if one is not a legal resident in the apartment, as a joint tenant, she has his permission to be there. Suppose he thinks it is long enough? How does that effect the couple who now reside together?

The only way to get a hold-over tenant/friend out, who overstays the welcome of a sleeping arrangement, is to serve them with a legal eviction notice. That notice copy would then go on file with clerk of the court to prove legal date of service. Landlord, Gabby, then has another 30 days as this is a pay/vacate notice to file a secondary intent to force the one out. At that point, if the "holdover tenant" has not vacated, a sheriff is empowered to put out the person and belongings. So, in other words, it can take 60 days to legally move them out! So a verbal agreement can become a mess, when the romance might be over in a live-in situation. That is one more reason not to enter into a living arrangement without benefit of marriage.

I think with the cool arrangement betweent this couple now, there is no prospect or desire to marry for either. The romance is not only over, it is VERY over. Not a good situation for either of these people! The purpose of the thread here is for posters in a sexless marriage to post on the subject, a "sexless marriage." The thread has become a diary for one lady, who is in a bad situation, to talk about how she feels emotionally about that scene (as Chamomile said. )

We all wish we could assist Baroness to feel empowered to change this situation for a happier life. I think it won't be resolved! Baroness will have to move with a relative or consign her life..and his..to anger and further limbo. I have to say that a man who will choose to sleep on a couch for months, with a bad back, shows a tolerance if not kindness, for her comfort. It would be kind if the man would discuss his feelings with her. I don't think now Baroness needs to apologize (again) for her omission in the true state of the relationship. We get it, why she felt she might get censure here, as she has. The thread has prolonged beyond the purpose, as it was intended. A Moderator might close this thread!

When posters no longer posted here on this thread, it was a diary for one person. This is an unhealthy couple with a holding pattern that is painful to hear. When it isn't a marriage, there is no leverage for the refused party, except to leave and make a better life somewhere else. Though we know there might still be time for both parties to find a happier relationship, there is no chance as time passes, locked into a stalemate. Most of us here would choose to go back to family, relatives or friends to help us, rather than to stay in a lonely, alienated roomate situation. Is that how others see this situation?

Last edited by 1aokgal; 15th December 2011 at 11:44 PM.
 
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