Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

[ronnoco]

Happy Birthday Ralf.

You are doing well - regardless of how you play it, you are toughing up and that's definitely what was needed.

Enjoy your day, i'm sure some nice food awaits you! ;-)

All the best.

[ralfgarnett]

Thanks Ronnoco, feeling a bit emotionally wobbly tonight for some reason, going for a ruby murray on Wednesday with some mates, might go out for a pint on Thursday then off to spain after that so got a few things to look forward to, but then after that back home to an empty house (less 2 lovely kittys) and then the horror of Christmas which I detest more than any other time of the year but I WILL GET THROUGH in to the new year and then beyond an from there we will see what transpires.

[ralfgarnett]

Wobbling please help, Thursday is my birday, as you know she has mentioned us going out for lunch or dinner either is fine by me, not spoken to her now for nearly 2 weeks so not even certain if she still has plans or not, my first inclination was not to break NC and ignore her if invited, BUT a bit of me is now thinking what the hell if she asks why not go as I have nothing to lose and who knows I might even have something to gain, a few pressies, meal out, and what if she has news for me that she might like to try again in some way and this could be her way of doing it, also I am putting myself back in her shop window and should be taking the chance for her to see what a great chap Ralf is and fall for me all over again, am I being unrealistic ?, am I deluded ?, am I just so lost and lonely that I would go just for the company even though the chances are heavily in favour of breadcrumbs, don't get me wrong im not sitting here worried our panicking about it, after weeks of certainty about it a bit of me is thinking what harm could it do ?, after all we have been married over 17 years and had a really good relationship and we have been pretty well amicable since we separated, anyway I hope this all makes sense and as ever dear people I wait your views and sound advice.

[chosen]

Surely if you go the 2 weeks of no contact would be totally wasted.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by chosen

Surely if you go the 2 weeks of no contact would be totally wasted.

That's what I was thinking but equally I don't want to miss out on anything positive she might have to say, I know I'm being delusional but the more December and the SADS bites the more lonely and down I am feeling and the more angry I am feeling with her, I have rang 4 people since 6pm to see if anyone is free to meet for a chat and nobody is available so that means I have not seen a soul to talk to since yesterday morning, still im out tomorrow night, Thursday night, and then away Saturday until next so at least got a few things to look forwards to.

[chosen]

I think that if she had changed her mind she would find a way to let you know.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by chosen

I think that if she had changed her mind she would find a way to let you know.

Mmmm not so sure, it has become apparent this past few months that my wifes communication skills are not as they should be and that is not a good trait for a mental healthcare practicioner, maybe I should have a word with her employers maybe they could send her on a communications course god knows she needs it, its like talking to a brick wall sometimes these days noit that I can recall having a worthwhile conversation with her since July 9th, feeling sad now the tears are coming again.

[ronnoco]

I don't think it's anything to do with a nice meal or a pressie - you know what it's about Ralf. You are an intelligent sound minded man and you basically answered your own questions in your post.

I think if you went out for a meal, you would be right back to square one. She's not going to have a sudden change of heart and even if she ever did, the nc would actually make her want you back more because people often want what they can't have.

You would go out, have a lovely time then come home to an empty house, cry your eyes out because you miss and love her so much and want everything to be right. The reality is, that's just not going to happen.

I'm pretty sure your only hope of getting her back is to make her thing you are going, going, gone - you need to carry on as you are, suck it up for the next 3 weeks and start the new year with a fresh outlook. On Jan 1st you can say "I made it!" and start a plan of action (and you really do need a plan) but for now, just focus on getting through these next 3 weeks.

You've got a nice coupe of days to look forward to. Take what you can, enjoy the good days and let the bad ones go and just deal with each day at a time.

[ralfgarnett]

Hi Ronnocco, funny that because today I was thinking aboiut NY plans and your right I do need a plan, trouble is not sure what kind of plan have you got any ideas mate ?,

I,m not much good at plans, I tried to plan one out once but I don't think I planned it very well as the plan that I had originally been planning didn't plan out and when that plan didn't plan out I didn't have a backup plan planned even though I should of planned one pre-plan as im not much of a planner you see, so instead of re-planning my original plan I think I just had a slice of toast or a Mr Kipling jam tart or something and went to bed un-planned, I like jam tarts and oh yes those little French fancies, they were pink, yellow, brown in colour, a bit like the bruise I got when I walked in to the Hoover the other night in the dark, that wasn't planned either, night night.

[ronnoco]

I would say, on the 1st Jan 2015 you have a funeral in your head for her wife. Accept that she isn't coming back and start the process of letting go and moving on. You haven't started that and until you do, you will remain in a world of hurt.

With your spare time over xmas, read every thread on this post and take away all of those good suggestions and start putting them into action.

It's been 6 months, half a year, that's a long time. I've not heard of many people getting back after that long to be honest. She has never changed her mind. In-fact, more the opposite. I've been where you are, it sucks. Little things still haunt me now but overall, life is good.

You will look back one day, a happier Ralf and be frustrated that this women drive you to the dark place of despair you are in now.....and you will be happy if you make the right choices with regards to moving on. All the info you need is here, you just need to put it into action.

Personally, I think you should go back to Malta next year. Do whatever it takes to make it happen. It will give you a fresh start and some new perspective.

Good luck Ralf.

[ralfgarnett]

She has really wound me up, I was just getting ready to go out and I got a knock on the door, it was our friend and she had a bag of presents and cards from my wife, she felt that I wasn't talking to her so she sent my pressies via our friend, what should I make of this ?, they have all gone in the bin and her card wripped up, to me its a cop out and suits her as she doesn't obviously want to meet up today for my birthday, right now I am so annoyed with her for her stupidity and her actions in every way, I honestly feel like shaking her in to life for all this and telling her to wake up and realise what she is doing, I think I am starting to dislike her for her actions, all this goes to prove is her total lack of communicational skills, what should I do now ?, should I e-mail her and tell her that I am annoyed with her, or should I thank her for the pressies and cards ?, or should I just do nothing, stay in NC and see what happens ?, so confused today bit hung over which isn't helping my mindset, she had talked about us going out for lunch but that is obviously not going to happen today now which is probably for the best,

[chosen]

Ralf, I can understand why you are angry. She should NOT have sent those presents when she knows that you are not wanting contact. Of course you are not talking to her, why should you? Maybe the time has come to actually tell her by email that as she is clearly not coming back you are trying to move on, and that any contact isnt helpful(including send a friend round).

[ronnoco]

I don't think she sent the presents out of spite Ralf. It seems to me like she lives in a bit of a dream world thinking you can carry on being friends. She probably doesn't realise just how badly this has affected you.

I agree with Chosen. Calm down, compose yourself and send a nice e-mail explaining all about the reasons for no contact and then make those changes.

Try not to be angry at her, it wont help you personally.

At least you are on at least stage 2 of the grieving process now though hey?

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by ronnoco

I don't think she sent the presents out of spite Ralf. It seems to me like she lives in a bit of a dream world thinking you can carry on being friends. She probably doesn't realise just how badly this has affected you.

I agree with Chosen. Calm down, compose yourself and send a nice e-mail explaining all about the reasons for no contact and then make those changes.

Try not to be angry at her, it wont help you personally.

At least you are on at least stage 2 of the grieving process now though hey?

Hi Ronnocco I have had fish and chips and am much calmer now, I know she didn't buy me pressies to upset me that would be bizzare, I am just so confused with everything that I don't know if im coming or going sometimes and feel totally worn out with it all, I have sent her a polite email to thank her and have left it at that, ok it broke NC but could be considered LC, as I said I don't know what it right or wrong any more I think I just need to follow my instincts and do what is best for me.

[chosen]

SO she still has no idea how you feel about this, and have said thank you when you threw the presents away! How is that going to help? You need to be honest and tell her that you didnt want the presents and why.