Really confused,
If you will forgive me saying this, I think you are creating a mountain out of a molehill here. Lots of women hang on to mementoes from previous relationships. Usually, these take the form of letters, pictures of happy times, little trinkets - that sort of thing - and these items can go right back to that first love. They could be things as innocuous as a pebble or a shell. Many of these things will mean nothing to most people yet will hold a wealth of meaning for those of us who hang on to them. The fact that your wife has held on to mementoes of her previous life does not mean you are 'not fulfilling her needs' in any way. The trinkets do not mean that she is secretly hankering for someone from her previous relationship(s) either. What she is holding onto is fond memories of a time before you. And that should be okay because no one has the right to try to wipe out a person's past. Past is past - but not necessarily forgotten. And that is how it should be.
Unless you have reasons to doubt her love for you, you do not need to be threatened by your wife's desire to hang on to these things. Those other men are not a threat to you in any way. The fact that she is with you and has stuck by you for so many years should tell you that she isn't hankering after anyone else. If she were, she would not still be by your side. She would have legged it years ago. Which brings me to a crunch point. I am picking up some serious insecurity vibes from you. Your wife made a 'joke' about being sure that you would have destroyed the box of trinkets. But it isn't funny - not really, because your wife's words reveal that you are pretty jealous and possessive. While it might feel flattering to some and they will endure it for a while, after even a good amount of time, most of us will feel stifled and will get tired of offering the same reassurances and explanations. I am not sure where these insecurities have come from. In the grand scheme of things, what you describe of your wife is not enough to justify you feeling this way.
Quote:
Some of the letters were postmarked while she and I were dating in a supposedly exclusive relationship and after she had asked for a commitment and a ring and I gave her both. She was dating, being physically intimate and to some extent emotionally committed to others while keeping me on a string. She was trying to make sure that there wasn't someone better out there but at the same time keeping me tethered as insurance.
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I would turn your last statement around and say that actually, maybe she was keeping the other 'guys' tethered in case you would not commit. But may I ask how you know she was being physically intimate with 'others' while she was with you? Do the letters say this? How many men was she seeing at the same time as she was seeing you? (Because you refer to 'others'). Or was there a sting of relationships before you and was she just communicating with these guys and you are not really sure of the nature of her relationship with them? I am just a little confused here. Even more confusing - your wife has been loyal and faithful to you for 30 years. She has given you no reason to question her fidelity. So why are a few letters written many, many moons ago, before you and she were married, causing you to question the very foundations of your union? It isn't as though your wife is with you by default. She CHOSE you and she told you this. No doubt you have talked about this before (I get the impression that you must have, reading your earlier postings). Bottom line - your wife sounds like a nice woman and I suspect she didn't part from any of the guys in her life on bad terms. So it is possible that these letters represent friendships as well as fond memories. If I were you, I really would not worry about them. It is not as though she hid them from you. If there were more to those friendships and letters, believe me, she would have burnt them years ago.
I don't mean to be brutal but if you are going to talk about trust, I would do so only when you have real justification. Given that your wife has been faithful to you for 30 years (and pretty tolerant of what must be some possessive behaviour on your part), I think talking about trust being destroyed is a tad melodramatic. I just went back and read your first post. Your wife didn't deceive you. Sexually active technically means full sex. She didn't have full sex. So where's the lie? If she had said 'I am completely chaste and untouched by man' and then you found out about the high school boyfriends and the occasional 'heavy sessions', okay,
that would be a lie. This is a similar situation. Your wife never pretended she hadn't had relationships before you. I can't help wondering if your wife knew how serious your intentions were at the point at which she was writing to the other 'guys' ('guys' in parenthesis because I don't know if we are talking singular or plural here). Incidentally, how long after you got together and you gave her a ring did she continue exchanging letters? Are we talking days, weeks, months or years?
Sorry to go on for so long. As a last point I just want to sound a warning. Be careful with all this suspicion and questioning because one day you may drive your wife away. As stated, some women feel flattered when their men display signs of jealousy but many don't. It's tiresome. I doubt I would be amused if I were married for 30 years and my husband started questioning everything I had said to him and felt as though I could not be trusted. I would probably turn around and say if you cannot see or find reasons to trust me after 30 years of fidelity then perhaps we are better off going our separate ways. Perhaps you should think about exploring exactly why you are so insecure about things in your distant past. They should not matter yet clearly they do - to you. I think there is more to your feelings than you realise and it would benefit both you and your wife if you explored what is going on further, perhaps with the aid of a good counsellor.
Good luck to you,
Helen