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Old 24th February 2005, 10:37 PM   #16
really confused
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Re: My wife told truth after 30 years

I have been doing alot of that "warm and loving" stuff in recent months. She is just very slow to respond and I get frustrated. I will admit that I have been a jerk at times ove the years and when she tuned away I got frustrated and angry. When you work 60 hours a week and come home youdon't expect to run into an icecube or a buzzsaw. That would make me angry and I would occasionaly and mean in response. I confess that I had a feeling all these years that she had never been completely candid about her past from the start and when she rejected me over the years it would get my mind churning up the fact that maybe she had other prior experiences that were more enjoyable than being with me and that was the cause of her coldness. I finally confessed that these doubts of mine have fueled some of my hateful actions over the years and she then confided that my suspicions were true and that she was more active than she had told and had not said anything all these years since to her they didn't mean anything.
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Old 24th February 2005, 10:42 PM   #17
Sierra
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Re: My wife told truth after 30 years

You have got to stop worrying about this stuff.

Tired or not take the woman in your arms and love her. Period.

If you do nothing else will matter. If you don't, nothing else will matter either.

Apologize and start kissing her.

Its that simple.

D
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Old 24th February 2005, 10:43 PM   #18
Sierra
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Re: My wife told truth after 30 years

P.s.

I would rather be remembered by a woman as a bad lover who she felt was special to her than a good lover who meant nothing.

Chew on that one for a while.

D
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Old 25th February 2005, 12:44 PM   #19
really confused
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Re: My wife told truth after 30 years

I know that I need to get past this and I am getting there. I think it is understandable to get a little bit out of focus when beliefs that you held for 30 years are abruptly reversed. I realize that all this "old stuff" doesn't matter. It just came up along with alot of other baggage which has been aired lately and it was just the one that bothered me the most. To me it was symbolic of a lifetime habit my wife has of not sharing or being open. She is extremely non-confrontational and will say or do whatever she thinks will avoid conflict. That is not always wise or healthy. I have been making extra efforts to show my wife the depths of my love. And I have actually been using this forum to vent my anxiety in lieu of dumping the full load on my wife. The feedback has been mostly of the positive nature which has reinforced the conclusion I had already known I had to reach. The problem would have developed if the responses had taken the opposite tone, telling me that she was wrong, my anger was justified and I should punish her for it. that would have confused me even more.
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Old 12th April 2005, 12:00 AM   #20
Caddy
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Re: My wife told truth after 30 years

Dear Confused
I didn't read most of the replies that people posted to your problem because most of them have no idea how you feel because they don't hold dear the idea and commitment you felt you had made with your wife and that you thought she had made to you... SHE LIED for 30 yrs... that is a hell of a smack in the face. I feel your pain and shame. You didn't get to marry who you thought you were marrying, she lied, she lied and again she lied... for 30 freaking years!!!!!! Oh, but she got to marry a proper, honest, loving and amazingly forgiving man. And what did you get?? A wife that is by the sounds of it cold emotionally with you... because she knows in her heart that she's been lying all those years and she knows that you are honest and deserved much much better - the truth for a start... before getting married... you could have come to terms with it then and there and could have discussed it maybe and you probably would have still married her because you loved her and she hadn't actually had sex with any of them... but... at least you would have known the facts and made an informed decision to marry or not. What if she has had sex with one or all of them and she thinks she'll try tell a half truth by saying she fooled around but just forgot to mention it... cuz she knows how hurt you'd be with that thought so she surely couldn't tell you if she had had sex with them... not because she can't tell you things but because she lied so badly for so long. You are brilliant for forgiving her, I know I'd probably not be that forgiving if I was married to someone for 30yrs and then some day be told.. 'oh.. remember that little thing that meant so much to you... etc.. well.. it's not true...'... that messes up your head... would people be so mad at you for being so hurt if you had said... 'my wife of 30 yrs tells me she really is only attracted to women?' that she pretended for 30 yrs to be someone else? Or my wife of 30 yrs just told me that she never loved me, it was just a lie all along... the hurt you have is because she lied, not because she did fool around with others before you.. the hurt you have is because now you don't know how much of what she ever told you is true... the hurt you feel is because she made you feel like your hurt didn't matter. You do not need to apologize for your feelings of hurt and sadness and the feeling that you don't really know her. SHE needs to apologize for misleading you, for lying to you, for keeping secrets from her husband, for being selfish, cold and uncaring towards you when she causes you such incredible pain. It's not an issue to divorce over, but the trust has gone somewhat. Sorry for the rant but by golly, the more I read the replies the more I needed to say!
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Old 18th June 2005, 01:12 AM   #21
packerman
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Re: My wife told truth after 30 years

woman might want to comment... but these cheap thrills are really more for the guys.. the girls are just accomodating... ask her if she really enjoyed it.. she probably did not???
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Old 21st June 2005, 04:16 PM   #22
Debbo
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Re: My wife told truth after 30 years

Dear Really Confused,

Your wife chose to be open and honest with you about something she felt she was holding back. That's part of communication in a marraige.

Maybe what you need to ask yourself is......Can you be trusted with her secrets or are you going to use her past against her?

She needed to come clean with you about something that was probably bothering her for some time now.

Are you going to hold it against her and take it personally or see it for what it really is?

She was trying to share with you a part of herself and not keep any secrets from you. Which makes for a better marraige.

You might want to read the article in this forum on open communication in marraige. It really helped me. Especially the part that talks about unloading old baggage.
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Old 5th July 2005, 01:53 AM   #23
Hannibal
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Re: My wife told truth after 30 years

I have to agree with Caddy, I have somewhat the exact problem happen to me. My wife I met almost 10 years ago and 2 years ago I confronted her about her past. I only did as I knew something wasn't right, when before we were married she said she was raped. She engaged in it when she was engaged to another guy hen she was a sophmore in high school. She was my first and I have been married for almost 9 years to her. I travel and have a lot to think about when I'm away, and this is my demon. My problem is with my wife and yours, is that she did lie to you and it is a big deal of a trust problem. My wife somewhat understands where I am coming from. You will always have these demons, you need to sit down and talk to your wife and explain your problem and try and make her understand. This will help you both. Your problem is easy to fix, get rid of those friends ever so slowly to stop reminding you of her past and move on as you were her first.

PS: You are not alone, as the Devil takes our mind and turns it and us against ourself!
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Old 28th September 2006, 11:31 AM   #24
really confused
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Re: My wife told truth after 30 years

I have not been active here for some time as I had my issue pretty well sorted out and have been working really hard at making my wife feel loved, special and the most inportant person in the world to me. I have also done a pretty good job of burrying the deamons that had been eating at me before. Recently, however, this issue has resurfaced. While conducting a thurough housecleaning and ridding the closets, attic, etc of old stuff I came across a box filled with photos of my wife and her old boyfriends (some of just the guys) as well as letters some had written to her. Now before you jump on me for being a jerk again let me clarify my thoughts and the facts:
They were not just put away and forgotten that thet existed. My wife had been looking for them previously but could not find them. When I told her I had she got that coy little smile on her face and said "oh I thought that you probably thew them away at some point"
She has knowingly kept them for over 30 years of marriage. They mean that much to her. Am I not totally fulfilling her needs.
Some of the letters were postmarked while she and I were dating in a supposedly exclusive relationship and after she had asked for a commitment and a ring and I gave her both. She was dating, being physically intimate and to some extent emotionally committed to others while keeping me on a string. She was trying to make sure that there wasn't someone better out there but at the same time keeping me tethered as insurance. In her own words her friends were getting married, she wanted to get out of her parrents house so it was time fer her to marry. And her exact quote as I was nicer than the others.
I know (believe)that she has been faithful for our 30 year marriage but the old wound is reopened. It's the trust thing
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Old 29th September 2006, 10:32 PM   #25
Helen
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Re: My wife told truth after 30 years

Really confused,

If you will forgive me saying this, I think you are creating a mountain out of a molehill here. Lots of women hang on to mementoes from previous relationships. Usually, these take the form of letters, pictures of happy times, little trinkets - that sort of thing - and these items can go right back to that first love. They could be things as innocuous as a pebble or a shell. Many of these things will mean nothing to most people yet will hold a wealth of meaning for those of us who hang on to them. The fact that your wife has held on to mementoes of her previous life does not mean you are 'not fulfilling her needs' in any way. The trinkets do not mean that she is secretly hankering for someone from her previous relationship(s) either. What she is holding onto is fond memories of a time before you. And that should be okay because no one has the right to try to wipe out a person's past. Past is past - but not necessarily forgotten. And that is how it should be.

Unless you have reasons to doubt her love for you, you do not need to be threatened by your wife's desire to hang on to these things. Those other men are not a threat to you in any way. The fact that she is with you and has stuck by you for so many years should tell you that she isn't hankering after anyone else. If she were, she would not still be by your side. She would have legged it years ago. Which brings me to a crunch point. I am picking up some serious insecurity vibes from you. Your wife made a 'joke' about being sure that you would have destroyed the box of trinkets. But it isn't funny - not really, because your wife's words reveal that you are pretty jealous and possessive. While it might feel flattering to some and they will endure it for a while, after even a good amount of time, most of us will feel stifled and will get tired of offering the same reassurances and explanations. I am not sure where these insecurities have come from. In the grand scheme of things, what you describe of your wife is not enough to justify you feeling this way.
Quote:
Some of the letters were postmarked while she and I were dating in a supposedly exclusive relationship and after she had asked for a commitment and a ring and I gave her both. She was dating, being physically intimate and to some extent emotionally committed to others while keeping me on a string. She was trying to make sure that there wasn't someone better out there but at the same time keeping me tethered as insurance.
I would turn your last statement around and say that actually, maybe she was keeping the other 'guys' tethered in case you would not commit. But may I ask how you know she was being physically intimate with 'others' while she was with you? Do the letters say this? How many men was she seeing at the same time as she was seeing you? (Because you refer to 'others'). Or was there a sting of relationships before you and was she just communicating with these guys and you are not really sure of the nature of her relationship with them? I am just a little confused here. Even more confusing - your wife has been loyal and faithful to you for 30 years. She has given you no reason to question her fidelity. So why are a few letters written many, many moons ago, before you and she were married, causing you to question the very foundations of your union? It isn't as though your wife is with you by default. She CHOSE you and she told you this. No doubt you have talked about this before (I get the impression that you must have, reading your earlier postings). Bottom line - your wife sounds like a nice woman and I suspect she didn't part from any of the guys in her life on bad terms. So it is possible that these letters represent friendships as well as fond memories. If I were you, I really would not worry about them. It is not as though she hid them from you. If there were more to those friendships and letters, believe me, she would have burnt them years ago.

I don't mean to be brutal but if you are going to talk about trust, I would do so only when you have real justification. Given that your wife has been faithful to you for 30 years (and pretty tolerant of what must be some possessive behaviour on your part), I think talking about trust being destroyed is a tad melodramatic. I just went back and read your first post. Your wife didn't deceive you. Sexually active technically means full sex. She didn't have full sex. So where's the lie? If she had said 'I am completely chaste and untouched by man' and then you found out about the high school boyfriends and the occasional 'heavy sessions', okay, that would be a lie. This is a similar situation. Your wife never pretended she hadn't had relationships before you. I can't help wondering if your wife knew how serious your intentions were at the point at which she was writing to the other 'guys' ('guys' in parenthesis because I don't know if we are talking singular or plural here). Incidentally, how long after you got together and you gave her a ring did she continue exchanging letters? Are we talking days, weeks, months or years?

Sorry to go on for so long. As a last point I just want to sound a warning. Be careful with all this suspicion and questioning because one day you may drive your wife away. As stated, some women feel flattered when their men display signs of jealousy but many don't. It's tiresome. I doubt I would be amused if I were married for 30 years and my husband started questioning everything I had said to him and felt as though I could not be trusted. I would probably turn around and say if you cannot see or find reasons to trust me after 30 years of fidelity then perhaps we are better off going our separate ways. Perhaps you should think about exploring exactly why you are so insecure about things in your distant past. They should not matter yet clearly they do - to you. I think there is more to your feelings than you realise and it would benefit both you and your wife if you explored what is going on further, perhaps with the aid of a good counsellor.

Good luck to you,


Helen
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Old 26th April 2007, 07:52 AM   #26
1aokgal
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Unhappy Re: My wife told truth after 30 years

You really are confused if you pushed your wife into a confession of some trivial petting or necking or whatever iintimacy occurred 30 years ago before she ever met you. Honesty is just a big mistake with someone who insists to ask questions which is none of your business to ask.

It sounds to me as if there are big time control issues here. There are no problems big enough in a 30 year relationship so you manufacture jealousy over some youthful sexual exploration? I suspect this controlling behavior on your part may be because there are some sexual problems today and you want to blame your partner.

Be glad you are still together and you got a prize. It is a pity she opened her mouth to tell you anything about her past. Big mistake because you can't handle honesty. You are such a high minded sort and so perfect.
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