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Old 14th August 2015, 12:05 AM   #1
Mfrisco
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And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

Hello,
So I have been married for 20 years, no kids, and it has been a great marriage. Unlike other couples we know who fight or argue all the time, we were never that way. In our 20 years we may have had minor arguments five or six times. I know that seems like balony but it is true. We simply have always gotten along great. We have traveled to many places, taken cruises, the whole nine yards.

My wife had started going to the gym with this other woman from her office and working out 5 days a week. They met about 10 months ago and I was happy for her because she really never had a lot of close friends as she has never been real outgoing. She is a very private person and typically only opens up to people she has met multiple times.

Her woman friend did not have a great marriage and suddenly after her and her husband had a large fight, she asked my wife if she could come and stay at our home until she sorted out her finances and could get an apartment. She just needed time to wrap her head around the fact that her marriage was not working. My wife and I let her move in and we helped her get her things from her house and put them in storage. Shortly after this woman moved in I noticed my wife giving me sort of the cold shoulder. She stopped being intimate with me and any conversation seemed to end quickly with just short yes or no answers. I thought this was odd for my wife who has always been very loving and caring but I figured it was just due to the fact that her new friend of 10 months was going through rough times and she needed to support her...so I just let it go.

After two more weeks went by and my wife started to completely dismiss the fact that I was even in the room I decided to ask her about it. She told me it was nothing, she was stressed about something at work and not to take it personally. I didn't buy it but I did not see any point in pressing further. I left the next day for a 1 week business trip about 4 hours away. During that week every time I tried to call my wife from the hotel at night she was very short with me. Finally I asked her "Honey, what the heck is going on here?". She confessed that we needed to talk, but it would need to wait until I came home as it needed to be face to face.

So once I was back from my trip we sat down and had a talk. She told me how I was still the same person she married 20 years before, I was still a great guy, but she had changed and she saw us going in two different directions. She said this was not a sudden thing, but something she had been thinking about for a long time....like the last 2 years. What??? This shocked me. This did not sound like the woman I knew for 20 years. We were always like "two peas in a pod". She went on to say that she "loved me and still cared for me, but she was not sure what kind of love it was". She wanted a separation. I was floored. Where was all of this suddenly coming from? Did I miss something? I'm good about picking up on things....I noticed right away the sudden "cold shoulder" so how did I miss this whole "we are headed different ways" stuff?

She said that when the other woman moved out into her apartment that she was going to go with her and sleep on her couch until she figured out what she wanted to do. I asked her if there was someone else and she told me a "Definite NO!"....she just needed to leave and get her thoughts straight but could not do that while living in the house.

I told her I would grab my pillow and some sheets and stay in the other spare bedroom. She told me that was ridiculous, I did not need to leave our bed. So for the next couple of weeks we continued to sleep in the same room and she even occasionally would snuggle up to me and put her arm over me at night. I was very confused....she wants to leave me but still snuggles up to me??

During that last two weeks I started to notice how her and the other woman were acting around each other. It was obvious now. They had feelings for each other. My thoughts were confirmed when I saw some text messages between the two of them and without going into detail, it was a full on romantic relationship with all the "I love you" and "I cant wait until we live together" stuff. The messages I saw looked very equal...both of them confessing their new love for each other and all the places they would go and vacation too. I felt torn, ripped apart, sad, and a little abandoned. How could she have done this to me???

They eventually moved out and they are sharing a 1 bedroom apartment together. My wife only texts or talks to me if it is about the bills or house or pets....but any mention to her about us trying to work things out or that I still love her seems to put the conversation on a fast track to ending.

When I did ask her if we are getting a divorce she says "I do not know. Right now I just need time. I'd like a month or two of radio silence so I can just search my feelings and see where my heart takes me." She says that hearing from me every day is just making things worse and if I would just let her have the space she is asking for she could figure out her feelings. I guess I have no choice but to do so even though I feel this "space" just means any remaining love she has for me is going to fade further....especially when she is living with the other woman who she now has feelings for. That bond will only strengthen while our bond recedes further.

So basically this is where I am at...
She seems very happy with this other woman and many of our talks sound like she has no intention of coming back.....yet she has never said she wants a divorce. So far, only separation. What is she waiting for ?

I know my wife has always thought same-sex relationships were sort of "yuck" as she has stated that multiple times over 20 years to me and her family members.
Is it possible she is just "experimenting in her early 40's" and this is just a phase....something she just has to explore or get out of her system?

I know many men would say "Well you are having an affair so we are done, good riddance!" but I have to admit I do not feel that way. I truly love my wife, I always thought we would be together until the end, and we have always had such a great relationship....so happy...did so much together.

I just do not know if this is temporary or permanent. Should I wait or consider moving on?
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Old 14th August 2015, 10:20 AM   #2
ralfgarnett
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

Oh blimey mate not another one. so much of your story resonates with me very much, the Lesbian affair doesn't as we wasn't having an affair, but our situations are very similar even down to the timescales, I am truly very sorry that you find yourself in this dreadful situation, I know exactly how you must be feeling, because one year down the line I feel the same, gutted and shocked, at the moment I can't offer you any advice but i just wanted to check in just to let you know that I am thinking of you and I share your pain.
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Old 14th August 2015, 10:30 AM   #3
notDoneYet
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

Hi MF, sorry you are here my friend. That sucks. Your W is having an EA, possibly a PA. here are a couple of things I've learned over time.

Once the limerance has taken hold there is nothing you can say or do that will change her mind.
She will not 'snap out of it'
Be prepared for a spew fest. That's right, she will turn this round to being all your fault.
Don't argue with her. It'll just confirm in her mind she is right to leave.
She is being driven by emotion right now, not logic.
Affairs rarely burn out in less than two years, and they rarely last.
Do everything you can to be the man only a fool would leave. And that's actions not words.
Don't be her BFF. That's a demotion. You signed up to be her husband not her friend.
Don't facilitate her split. This is all on her.

Good luck friend. Read my thread to give you an idea of where this is headed.

Peace.
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Old 14th August 2015, 11:17 AM   #4
chosen
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

OH dear I cant imagine how devastated you must be. She has made a terrible decision and one that she will regret one day, but you cant force her to see what is right or do what is right.

IT sounds as if she is 'trying out' this new relationship and lifestyle to see of it 'works' before she gets rid of her insurance(you). What a cheek, as if she knows you will sit and wait for her indefinitely while she lives with someone else. Its not really up to her to end the marriage anyway, she has no reason, you are the one being cheated on, and you are the one who needs to decide whether you could trust her again or have her back if this relationship fails. Some can and some cant, there is no right or wrong in this sort of situation.

I think you need to assume the worst, and try to begin to pick up the pieces, try and build some sort of life apart from her, and get some legal advise in case of divorce.
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Old 14th August 2015, 11:36 AM   #5
Raymond
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

My thought is how long do you give it before she snaps out of it? I would class it as adultery even though it is a woman. You obviously have the right to divorce her on the spot but you want to wait. I don't think you can give her more than a year. The danger is that once she has been exposed to lesbianism it will affect her in a deep way sexually. My thought is to be straight. Her or you? You cannot share her with another woman. Besides an ultimatum will make her think.
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Old 14th August 2015, 01:25 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

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Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
My thought is how long do you give it before she snaps out of it? I would class it as adultery even though it is a woman. You obviously have the right to divorce her on the spot but you want to wait. I don't think you can give her more than a year. The danger is that once she has been exposed to lesbianism it will affect her in a deep way sexually. My thought is to be straight. Her or you? You cannot share her with another woman. Besides an ultimatum will make her think.
yes, an it will also show her that he is serious and wont be messed about.
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Old 14th August 2015, 01:56 PM   #7
Mfrisco
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

Hello all...thank you for the responses....it just helps to talk/chat/write. I am an only child, no brothers or sisters and both parents have passed but she has a large family and they all believe she has flipped her lid. They all tell me the same thing "You and her were the stable couple in the family....the ones we looked up too. Not sure how she could do this". They have been coming over (none of them live immediately close by) each weekend to just keep me busy and relieve my mind of this.

notDoneYet - Some of your points really hit home. You are correct that when she first told me about her wanting to leave (no mention of the affair with the other woman) she told me that I was a great guy, did nothing wrong, it was all her. She is the one who has changed and thus she must leave and sort things out. But since then, especially when I found proof of the affair, she has changed her story to "For the last few years you have shown me less affection...it has been like two people living under the same roof, not a married couple". Up until May we were still intimate...so I'm not sure how she says for years we were just roommates. I think it is her grasping for some excuses. Now I will say she is not truly blaming me....she calmly (not yelling) told me that is how she felt. So far, she has still been nice to me. No fights.

I am definitely not trying to argue...although I will admit with her just "up and leaving" I feel abandoned. She is not helping out with the mortgage either. It is still "her house too" until we get a divorce if that is the path this goes...but she feels no responsibility for house payments, utilities, or any other bills that we share together. After all, we have been married 20 years...so everything we have has been obtained while married. All assets and debt are shared.

chosen - Correct...I thought I could change her mind initially. But I see now that she is "blinded" by this new love. She has even told me that she was not looking for it to happen (finally some honesty and admitted to me for the first time she is in love with this other woman). She said that she just no longer loved me the same way as before and then her time spent with this other woman who is divorcing her husband (heavy drinking and rude guy) she says it just suddenly happened. It was like one day, POOF and they were talking about their feelings for each other and wanted to move in together.

Raymond -- Agreed.... will she snap out of it or is that just a fable? I do not know. Right now, I have to wait and hope so. At some point if she does not want to try to work things out with me I will end it and move on. For right now...it is not like I am interested in anyone else....so I have nothing really to lose by continuing on daily. Right now I feel that if there is a chance she will come back...I want that to happen and see if we can still live life together. But it will have to come with an apology for the abandonment at some point. I can live with the lesbian affair an forgive because she definitely means that much to me. I'd have to explain our initial introduction and early relationship to give more detail there....but I still feel we are meant to be "two peas in a pod" if you get my meaning. I'm not ready to throw in the towel. I also care for her deeply so I hate to see her get hurt. For now...I will be there if she falls.

I am afraid to give an ultimatum. Part of me can see how that might work.... but only if what she has with that other woman is shaky. Then she may not risk it and come back to the stable home environment. I know she hates living in apartments. She could not wait for us to buy a home. So she cannot be completely happy living there. That being said...if the bond they have is strong....an ultimatum might just be the thing that triggers in her mind that I am rude...and her new partner tells her "see...he is giving you orders like he owns you....you need to end it".

I can see the other woman is whispering things in her ear daily. My wife is a very strong, very independent woman. Definitely not someone easily swayed (or didn't used to be). She could hold her own with anyone. So for now I wait I guess.

I just wish I knew how strong their bond was......is she just "trying something new / grass is greener on other side" thing.... or is she really moving on?
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Old 14th August 2015, 03:36 PM   #8
ralfgarnett
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

"You are correct that when she first told me about her wanting to leave she told me that I was a great guy, did nothing wrong, it was all her. She is the one who has changed and thus she must leave and sort things out."

Blimey it's almost as if they have a handbook or something, my wife said almost the very same thing to me word for word, stupid cows.
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Old 14th August 2015, 04:35 PM   #9
Mfrisco
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

I have a friend about 4 hours away...went through the same thing last year. He tells me his story is so close to mine this year that it scares him. As if his wife and mine were going by some playbook. So many similarities such as how 6 months before... she had asked to get new wedding rings because it had been so long with the original ones. We did. We went to a jeweler and picked out some new bands and ordered them. Now...they sit in a drawer.
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Old 14th August 2015, 04:49 PM   #10
ralfgarnett
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mfrisco View Post
Hello all...thank you for the responses....it just helps to talk/chat/write. I am an only child, no brothers or sisters and both parents have passed but she has a large family and they all believe she has flipped her lid. They all tell me the same thing "You and her were the stable couple in the family....the ones we looked up too. Not sure how she could do this". They have been coming over (none of them live immediately close by) each weekend to just keep me busy and relieve my mind of this.

notDoneYet - Some of your points really hit home. You are correct that when she first told me about her wanting to leave (no mention of the affair with the other woman) she told me that I was a great guy, did nothing wrong, it was all her. She is the one who has changed and thus she must leave and sort things out. But since then, especially when I found proof of the affair, she has changed her story to "For the last few years you have shown me less affection...it has been like two people living under the same roof, not a married couple". Up until May we were still intimate...so I'm not sure how she says for years we were just roommates. I think it is her grasping for some excuses. Now I will say she is not truly blaming me....she calmly (not yelling) told me that is how she felt. So far, she has still been nice to me. No fights.

I am definitely not trying to argue...although I will admit with her just "up and leaving" I feel abandoned. She is not helping out with the mortgage either. It is still "her house too" until we get a divorce if that is the path this goes...but she feels no responsibility for house payments, utilities, or any other bills that we share together. After all, we have been married 20 years...so everything we have has been obtained while married. All assets and debt are shared.

chosen - Correct...I thought I could change her mind initially. But I see now that she is "blinded" by this new love. She has even told me that she was not looking for it to happen (finally some honesty and admitted to me for the first time she is in love with this other woman). She said that she just no longer loved me the same way as before and then her time spent with this other woman who is divorcing her husband (heavy drinking and rude guy) she says it just suddenly happened. It was like one day, POOF and they were talking about their feelings for each other and wanted to move in together.

Raymond -- Agreed.... will she snap out of it or is that just a fable? I do not know. Right now, I have to wait and hope so. At some point if she does not want to try to work things out with me I will end it and move on. For right now...it is not like I am interested in anyone else....so I have nothing really to lose by continuing on daily. Right now I feel that if there is a chance she will come back...I want that to happen and see if we can still live life together. But it will have to come with an apology for the abandonment at some point. I can live with the lesbian affair an forgive because she definitely means that much to me. I'd have to explain our initial introduction and early relationship to give more detail there....but I still feel we are meant to be "two peas in a pod" if you get my meaning. I'm not ready to throw in the towel. I also care for her deeply so I hate to see her get hurt. For now...I will be there if she falls.

I am afraid to give an ultimatum. Part of me can see how that might work.... but only if what she has with that other woman is shaky. Then she may not risk it and come back to the stable home environment. I know she hates living in apartments. She could not wait for us to buy a home. So she cannot be completely happy living there. That being said...if the bond they have is strong....an ultimatum might just be the thing that triggers in her mind that I am rude...and her new partner tells her "see...he is giving you orders like he owns you....you need to end it".

I can see the other woman is whispering things in her ear daily. My wife is a very strong, very independent woman. Definitely not someone easily swayed (or didn't used to be). She could hold her own with anyone. So for now I wait I guess.

I just wish I knew how strong their bond was......is she just "trying something new / grass is greener on other side" thing.... or is she really moving on?
Your story has so many similar aspects to mine (less the affair) that it's un canny, your feelings, thoughts, and aprehensions are so familiar to me, she and I were 2 peas from the same pod, sounds like you and I are too mate, it's unreal it really is.
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Old 14th August 2015, 05:14 PM   #11
chosen
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

Those who have met someone else will always to some extent try and justify it and blame the other person to some extent, and will also question their love for their spouse against the illicit, wrong, adulterous, exciting lust they feel for the lover. No love of 20 years will compare in that way to that passionate first love/lust of a new relationship, its not supposed to. Its a completely different sort of love.

I do think you need to point out that she still needs to pay her share of the mortgage, especially if she expects half of the assets at some point. This is why I think you need to get some legal advise at this point.

To be honest if what she said is true and she wants to get her head round all this, then she wouldnt have moved out to be with the other lady, but would maybe have got herself a little place on her own for a while to think things through. She has chosen to leave you for her, and she will have to face the consequences. I admire your faithfulness and compassion for her, but sometimes people respect us more if we are more firm and not so accommodating to their bad behaviour. Personally I would do as Raymond said, I would NEVER never agree to be a 'stand by' or second fiddle to another person with the one I was married to. Thats disgusting she expects that to be honest.

BTW nothing 'just happens', sorry but she is wrong , what we do is a result of what we allow ourselves to think about and what decisions we make, good or bad. She has made the wrong choice and I hope that her family are firmly telling her so. Brilliant that thy are supporting you in this.

How long is it since she left?
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Old 14th August 2015, 05:26 PM   #12
Lindentree1
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

So sorry you are going through this. I can't even imagine how hard this is for you. Since you don't want to give up on your marriage, I would read the book Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis. It's the first thing that popped in my head when I read your post. It may help your situation--at the very least it will teach you how to keep going on in spite of what is happening around you. I hope everything works out for you.
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Old 14th August 2015, 10:13 PM   #13
Mfrisco
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

Has anyone here heard of a woman leaving their husband for another woman and actually coming back....finding out it was "not for them" ?
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Old 14th August 2015, 10:25 PM   #14
Mfrisco
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Those who have met someone else will always to some extent try and justify it and blame the other person to some extent, and will also question their love for their spouse against the illicit, wrong, adulterous, exciting lust they feel for the lover. No love of 20 years will compare in that way to that passionate first love/lust of a new relationship, its not supposed to. Its a completely different sort of love.

I do think you need to point out that she still needs to pay her share of the mortgage, especially if she expects half of the assets at some point. This is why I think you need to get some legal advise at this point.

To be honest if what she said is true and she wants to get her head round all this, then she wouldnt have moved out to be with the other lady, but would maybe have got herself a little place on her own for a while to think things through. She has chosen to leave you for her, and she will have to face the consequences. I admire your faithfulness and compassion for her, but sometimes people respect us more if we are more firm and not so accommodating to their bad behaviour. Personally I would do as Raymond said, I would NEVER never agree to be a 'stand by' or second fiddle to another person with the one I was married to. Thats disgusting she expects that to be honest.

BTW nothing 'just happens', sorry but she is wrong , what we do is a result of what we allow ourselves to think about and what decisions we make, good or bad. She has made the wrong choice and I hope that her family are firmly telling her so. Brilliant that thy are supporting you in this.

How long is it since she left?
She told me near the end of June. She left July 20th. During that time period I tried to convince her to stay but she was determined to leave.

Now here is the part I did leave out....

When she left, she only took some clothes, a spare TV we had, and some other miscellaneous items of no consequence. All of her very-personal stuff is still here. Pictures of her father who she adored (has bad relationship with Mother). Some other very personal items from before our marriage are all still here....still in the same place....not boxed...untouched...as if she was to come back then they would be right where she left them.

I guess my thought here is that I'm not really going anywhere so if this is some weird mid-life crisis experiment that ends in a short time period I would consider taking her back. We met when I was mid 20's and she was 21. Since then we have done a lot together. No kids because she had a medical condition making it difficult and I really never saw myself as a father...I was good with it.

Obviously...at some point I'm going to throw in the towel and move on. Tell her to come get the rest of her things and file for the divorce. But as I am not looking to date anyone else....and I'm going to be sad anyway whether I wait or tell her we are done... so there is nothing to lose by waiting to see how this shakes out. I know there are some who would say get your crap and do not let the door hit you in the butt on the way out, but that is not me. I'm not a wuss...but I'm not mean either.
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Old 15th August 2015, 02:08 AM   #15
chosen
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

I dont agree that its mean at all for a spouse who has been rejected, lied to and cheated on to leave a marriage. In fact being cheated on is one of the very few reasons I would leave a marriage. The other being any sort of bad abuse against me or any children.

However its early days, if you feel that you would have her back and could trust her again, why not wait a while, but I am someone who wouldnt accept being second best if another relationship didnt work out. I would want that person to be with me out of their own choice, not because something else didnt work and they had no where else to go.

If she does ever want to come back, I would suggest that you make some conditions for her to do so, you wont want to appear a door mat who can be thrown away at the drop of a hat and picked up again as and when she wants to.
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