Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 4th November 2008, 12:18 PM   #1
dave123
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
My wife has gone

Hello, my wife came home from work last night and said we need to talk. Things have been up and down for a long time (we have been married 3 1/2 years), i followed her upstairs and asked her to "are you leaving?" and she said yes. My gut knew the answer already.

I have been reading the forums on here for hours now. I was awake til 6 this morning just fretting and heart racing and feeling sick and truly gutted, and have had all of 4 hrs sleep. I don't even know if this is real, i haven't cried, i have tried to go through a billion thoughts and i'm exhausted.
Her plan was to wait til our son (2 1/2) went to bed and then speak but i started the chat while he was downstairs, this resulted in the next thing i knew her mum was coming and she had packed for herself and my son to be taken away. I had to sit with my son watching a film pretending that my heart wasn't being ripped out and holding back tears. Am doing the same now.

She has raised the idea of counseling twice in the past and i have resisted through pride and hope that all would be OK. I wish i could go back now, i'd do it in a heartbeat. I emailed her this morning so it would be there when she got to wk. It was short and polite and related to our son, i also attached a letter than i had written overnight. The letter was a stream of thoughts i'd had and hopefully she can read it objectively. She has replied to my email but hasn't read the letter, the email was nice and had a kiss at the end of it, i guess i'm holding out a lot of hope that there is still enough here to be saved. I know there is, but she is the one making all the decisions. How do you go from being a man and a husband and a father to being a numb, gutted, nervous wreck in just 5 minutes. God i feel sick.

The back story is too long to go in to, but i don't have a support network, her family was our family, my parents are alcoholics and we don't speak, my sister and brother both live far away, i don't have a gp, and the silence in the house is unbearable. I had to reach out if only to see if anyone can help, even a little. If my son didn't exist this would be so much easier, i'm so angry that she could just leave and the anger would get me through it, but the tearing up of our family tears my heart out.
  Reply With Quote
Old 4th November 2008, 01:13 PM   #2
dave123
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: My wife has gone

I have just booked a relate session for tomorrow on my own. It was the first time i have spoken out loud that this is real, first person (excluding "the talk") i have spoken to for 20 hrs. The silence is just killing me.

Writing it on the net is OK but with anonymity it is easy to pretend it's not real, and easy to be biased towards my feelings and what i think is right..

I burst into uncontrollable sobbing after the phone call, how pathetic am I that admitting there is a problem is enough to send me over the edge. The receptionist said "will your partner be coming?" and i cried when i had to reply "I Don't know"...
  Reply With Quote
Old 4th November 2008, 01:58 PM   #3
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: My wife has gone

Sorry you are going through this Dave. Your wife was obviously experience problems and wanted you to go to counseling with her. With your lack of response and possible refusal to see any problem she has probably felt it was too much.

Obviously she has got your attention now, but is is too late? Hopefully not. Better late than never. You really need to apologise for not listening to her, but don't grovel, that will not help anything. Simply acknowledge that you didn't listen and didn't want counseling together. It is very distressing for women if they think their husbands are not even trying to work on the marriage when to them there are obvious problems.

As I said it may not be too late. She may be angry that it took this for you to listen but just accept that and work it through. It needn't be the end of everything. What do you think the problem was?

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th November 2008, 02:28 PM   #4
dave123
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: My wife has gone

Thanks for the response Raymond, any response at the moment is a real help if only to have a minute where i am not running a million thoughts through my mind.
She has got my attention you are right, but she has had it all the time, although naturally not to this deep level. Since we had talked about help before we have had periods where all was absolutely fine, she had post natal depression for a long time and we struggled through that. I have been working long hours on shift since we met and have been doing extra hours to provide for us all, and in doing so admit i haven't been around enough, emotionally or physically. I have encouraged her to be more independent in a positive way, but recently she has been seeing a work colleague (female) who is single and since then my wife has started smoking again, drinking more frequently and living a different lifestyle. It feels like a rebellion against me as though i am trapping her in this marriage. We have been talking about trying for a 2nd child and were planning to conceive now so the drinking and smoking was a big sign to me that something was wrong. I had tried to discuss the negative way things were going and i thought we had moved on a little. In my mind i had had a real change and was really trying. I paid for her and her colleague to go away in 1/2 term, picked them up from the airport on Sunday, we all had a curry and then 1 day later she comes home from work with a bombshell. Having spent the last 15 hrs going over and over it all i can see how deep the problems are. All i want to do is phone her and hear her voice, ask her to come home and start rebuilding, but all i have read is about space for her to think and reflect. What happens if at the end of the reflection she says she doesn't love me? or love me enough?
I pray we can find something, and that changes will make the difference.

I also have read some stories on here about what people have put up with, and for how long and i find myself asking why me? If the worst happens i will continue to work my guts out for my family but will not be a real part of it. I will never let it affect how i feel about my son, he truly is the light of my life, but how do you keep giving when you get nothing in return?

Last edited by dave123; 6th November 2008 at 09:18 PM. Reason: Just to clarify something
  Reply With Quote
Old 4th November 2008, 08:21 PM   #5
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: My wife has gone

It's not the end yet right Dave. So keep working on it.

The main thing to find out is what is the problem. Only she will know that. It seems to me you have drifted apart because of your long hours and this may have affected her in a negative way. She may feel totally neglected however well you meant it to be. You have to find out.

This girl friend doesn't appear to be helping any. Is she straight? I hope so. Do you know where you wife is living just now? You really need to find a way to talk things out without crowding her space just now. Adjustments can be made whatever they are. A good marriage is more important than lots of money and perhaps an adjustment can be made there.

The main thing just now is to find out the reason for this walking out and then prove you can adjust and put it right.

Love is very important to a woman Dave. I would say it is number one by a long shot, so you have to find a way to get it going again.

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th November 2008, 01:09 AM   #6
dave123
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: My wife has gone

Thanks again Raymond, it means a lot that you have take the time to respond. I have had my son at home this evening and have spoken to my wife in person. She is at her parents and will be there until enough time has passed for her to think through what she wants.

Her friend is just a friend and may only be an example of what she might feel she is missing out on. The conversation tonight was amiable and i am left in a better frame of mind than last night. I am still deeply sad at where we have ended up, but there is enough left between us where we can be civil and even though it will be agony i will give her the space she has asked for and work on myself in the meantime.

I have reached out to my brother and my best friend tonight so am not alone in this. My boy is upstairs fast asleep and i love him to bits. Have got a "sickie" sorted for work tomorrow and will have the relate session in the evening. Each time i talk about it in person it brings out some real pain and tears so i am expecting it to be hard.

Neglected and drifting apart are definitely part of the issue, when we have spoken before words like resent and trapped have also been mentioned. The main issue is that we are both inept at opening up. Things go unsaid for weeks and build up and up. My family situation means i am used to pushing negative emotion deep into my brain and not letting feelings out. Hopefully this is what i can work on for my own benefit, and maybe it will help with other things too.

I don't work hard for extra money, i work hard for enough money. The fulfillment i take from work is that i provide for my family. That is my view but of course my wife might feel that i am neglecting one thing for another. I just don't know.

I know love is number 1, but i know she knows i love her. What she's not sure of is if she loves me in the same way, or enough to try again.

Thanks again for the response, i hope things improve for me from here, and i hope anyone in the same situation reading this can empathise.
  Reply With Quote
Old 6th November 2008, 02:29 PM   #7
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: My wife has gone

Keep working on it Dave even if you have to take the lead in opening up. Perhaps now is the time to learn it. Keep the communication going and the reason for her attitude should become apparent. I am glad that she know you love her.

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th November 2008, 06:21 PM   #8
olivia
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: My wife has gone

Hi Dave

From a woman's point of view I really don't think its too late. Your wife has suggested counselling in the past and this says a lot about her values about marriage. She has also moved in with her parents which gives her some safe respite. She probably had a fantastic time on holiday with her friend which reminded her of the fun to be single on a girly holiday. It's right to not crowd her but to make sure that you want to work at making the relationship better for both of you.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much I know how it feels.

Stay strong.

Olivia
  Reply With Quote
Old 6th November 2008, 09:08 PM   #9
dave123
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: My wife has gone

Thanks again guys for the responses, you've no idea how much it helps at the moment. Lots has happened since i last posted and i will post it if only to give me a chance to think logically through it all and try to get a handle on where i am.

Seeing my wife each day so that i could see my son was hard for me because i just wanted to hug her and ask her to come home, it was hard for her as she felt like she hadn't broken away.

As hard as it is i am determined to give her the space she needs. We agreed over email that i would have my son from daycare on Friday and not see her until Saturday evening. This is extremely hard for me on both counts but i can see no other way for us both to have time apart.

I had my Relate session last night and it did help opening up, admitting that there are real issues was at least a small step forward for me. I felt better after but it has kind of worn off a bit(?). Following on from that i went back to work and registered with a doctor. I have also spoken to my M-I-L and we had a really good conversation (as far as can be), it is reassuring to know they don't hate me or blame me or have any ill feeling at all. They really are lovely people. I had hoped to spend some time with them and my son at the weekend but my wife feels it's too soon and i suppose she may feel i would be encroaching on her space.

I saw the doctor and he said i am having an "acute reaction to stress" and has given me a prescription. I didn't ask for pills i was asking for some help and he barely even looked away from his PC. I have felt since Monday that i am having a really long drawn out panic attack. I am exhausted from the thoughts and from the emotion that comes out every time i have spoken, and left work early as i had had enough, i am also feeling a bit woozy as i just can't face food. (I have been to Tesco though so will be forcing myself a healthy meal in about 20 mins.)

From both my wife and M-I-L i have heard that they don't want to give me hope either way. Every time i hear it it feels like drawing it out until the inevitable conversation where she says that's it. I am trying to hold out hope and am trying to address my issues. It's just hard to know that i might put in all this effort and then still get the worst news possible. I want US to go to relate together so i can hear her thoughts. It's the wait and the silence that is killing me.

If you read this far then well done, it has opened my eyes in the last few days that no-one is perfect, everyone i have confided in has admitted to having problems and faults either personally or in relationships. If anyone is in the same situation i hope it helps to know you're not alone.

Dave
  Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2008, 09:18 AM   #10
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: My wife has gone

Well done Dave for forcing yourself to eat. I hope you have not taken those pills. I think there is a kind of fear getting in Dave which you have to resist. This is knotting you up and could make you grovel so be careful.

Probably the best attitude is to hope for the best but be ready for the worst. Having said that I think there is hope here as you take opportunity when you get it of keeping the relationship going without the crowding. You are doing very well and are addressing the issues but try and rest as well and look after yourself.

Olivia has a good point she has gone to her mother (safe place) to chill out and has always wanted counseling. That shows someone who wants a good marriage.

Hopefully you will find out what is bugging her soon and be able to address it.

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th November 2008, 01:11 AM   #11
dave123
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: My wife has gone

Thanks for the response, i am keeping myself going with normal stuff. Have had my son tonight and it was great.

I understand what you are saying about grovelling. Deep down i know i don't need to and that if i did it would make things worse. I have let her know that i am willing to talk at some point in the future with a counsellor, and now that is it.

I will now wait, and keep quiet for as long as it takes.

The doc prescribed 3 days worth of pills to calm me down etc, and i didn't want them. I don't want to take anything that will affect me mentally/physically while i have my son and the feelings i am feeling are real and painful for a reason. I'm not sure there is one thing "bugging her", we have problems that will take some real work on both our parts if we are to start again. I'm hoping we get the chance but i am also considering how long i will wait and if i can deal with some of her actions which seem very self involved and selfish.

I feel less ill and panicky as i have good friends and family helping me out. I owe them a real debt of gratitude as you don't realise how good your friends are until you really need them.
  Reply With Quote
Old 8th November 2008, 09:58 AM   #12
floss
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: My wife has gone

Hi dave been reading through your posts its great you can feel you cant take a step back and look at the bigger picture,as for how long you will wait i personally feel you focus should be working on yourself and the possibility you need to make your own life,all the time your wife knows you are there waiting i feel it wont rush her into making the decision to come bk,if she feels you are getting on with it it may push her to think is this truely what she wants,that said only you truely know your wife and deep down you will know if she wants a life with you but was just unhappy with things or she truely wants out.Im really pleased you have lots of support around you.Also if she wont tell you why it is she has left you dont really have a lot to work with,once you know this you will see if its somethimg that can be repaired.
i dont know if ive helped or not i just wanted to share my thoughts with you and let you know we are all here for you take care xx
  Reply With Quote
Old 8th November 2008, 10:14 AM   #13
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: My wife has gone

Wow Floss you surprise me with your wisdom.

Dave I am glad you are handling it well and I am glad that you didn't take those pills. Your reason was classic that you don't want to take anything that will affect you mentally/physically while you have your son and the feelings that you are feeling are real and are painful for a reason. That's a man who wants to sort things out and not sweep things under the carpet. Nevertheless you need to be kind to yourself at this time.

Floss has a point in that if you are seen to be getting on with it and might I add not grovelling it may crystalise her feelings about what she actually wants.

You say it is not one problem that she has left for but others as well. If you know what they are obviously you can tackle them. If there is selfishness there that doesn't help. We can all be selfish on certain lines perhaps without realising it. The test is what do we do when we do see it. You will have to overlook any selfishness as you yourself would like her to ovelook any faults you cannot get over yet. None of us is perfect. The main thing is that we are trying and willing to work on our marriages.

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th November 2008, 02:21 AM   #14
dave123
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: My wife has gone

Thanks again for the responses they really help to know you guys are compassionate enough to share a few words of wisdom to keep me going.

Have been at work today and left early so i could have my son for the evening and overnight. I expected my wife to literally drop him off and shoot off, I'd hoped we could have a cup of tea and a simple chat at least and it turned out we did. We got talking and cleared up some practical matters but also dipped into what’s happening and how we were. She is in the frame of mind where she feels she will be at her Mum's for some time, from how she said it I'm guessing at least for the remainder of the year, and from there who knows. Despite that sounding like forever I'm much happier with some sort of timescale for some resolution one way or the other. It removes a lot of the guess work that I have been doing. She said also that she had things to tell me about the problems but that she felt I wasn't ready to hear them. I am still raw and emotional as this is only 5 days old now. So I guess I agree up to a point. The only thing I'm not ready to hear is the final decision to end it, but you can never be ready for that. That she has things to say though makes me think that she is still invested in the relationship even if it is only 1%.

We talked briefly about my trip to Relate and I gave her the information regarding the practicalities of if we were to go together. In going I do not expect it to be a miracle cure for all our ills. I think it may even make things worse or more painful. I'm hoping that if we do go we eventually come out of the other end ready to start over, but I'm also trying to be prepared for the eventuality that the problems that are discussed may not be resolvable. At least if that happens we'll know we gave it a shot. I think we owe it to our commitment to each other and to our son to exhaust all possibilities before we even mention the D word. She made a few positive sounds about coming but said at one point that if she did it would be for me. I kind of took that that she meant I was at fault for everything? I didn’t say anything, but that isn’t the case. At least she’s considering it now though…..

There would have to be give and take and there were things discussed tonight where we agree but disagree on how it has worked or would work again. My parents were devoted family people to a fault and are now very bitter that their children have moved on (this is exacerbated by the alcoholism), so I have always maintained that I would have an independent part in my life which I think is positive and healthy. I encourage my wife to have the same which she is now developing, she said she feels like the "real her", but I feel she blames me for the fact that she lost it in the first place. I said it was her responsibility and that I wanted to be married to an independent happy fulfilled woman (the new her, not someone else!), that would be such an improvement on our previous situation. I hope it came across well and I hope she gives it some positive thought. There was so much we talked about in just over an hour and I think it was the most we have been emotional open ever, at least for as long as I can remember. It doesn't mean we are going to sort this out but I hope it's a step towards it.

At least now I can give her the space and not go crazy in the meantime. We have sorted out a schedule for the week and now the wait and the NC begins.....

In the meantime i am going back to Keysi (martial arts), going to a long planned night away with friends on Wed. I had a run this afternoon, and a nice healthy meal tonight. The house is tidy and the washing is done. I had a mate around later in the evening for a chat and a coffee, and this is going to sound weird but, excluding the obvious, am feeling quite positive.

I have been thinking a lot, as you can imagine and believe that I may have been depressed for a long time, which has definitely added to where I am now. I am going to the docs again at some point and will go to an al-anon meeting to try to start to come to terms with my parent’s alcoholism. I'm not beating myself up about it but why oh why did I not address this earlier?

Floss and Raymond, thanks for your messages, they are positive and thoughtful, hopefully some other people can wade in with opinions and thoughts too, each one really is a help. Even if it just a hello!

Dave

Last edited by dave123; 9th November 2008 at 02:29 AM. Reason: Changed ending to thank F & R
  Reply With Quote
Old 10th November 2008, 12:59 AM   #15
dave123
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: My wife has gone

Today's update is a bit shorter and not as good as yesterdays. I'm not sure who wrote some of those things but the Dave123 of yesterday was not around today. We had a quick handover with my son this morning and my W seemed very distant and cold, either she was tired/hungover (night with her friend and i don't blame her, she must need it at the mo') or she regretted opening up the previous night or maybe i was reading something out of nothing. Naturally i dwelt on it though, and work was so very quiet. There was only 2 of us in and the other guy is a wet fart. With no distractions i went over and over everything and got myself very down. Not clever i know but i wasn't doing it deliberately.

I went to an al-anon meeting tonight which is support for friends or family of alcoholics. Something which i've known about for many years but never gone to. I have always thought i was relatively OK regarding my parents. Obviously affected and upset but not damaged in any way. However after some real soul searching this week and looking at the me that my wife has had to deal with i can see that growing up in this way has skewed my ability to deal with emotions and to face problems head on. I have probably also over compensated with my independent streak and gone too far because i am so determined to never end up like them.

These behaviours are one of the main reasons deep down why I avoided counselling with my wife. I admit there was pride and shame in there too and a fear that admitting we needed help was a sign of weakness and a "real" problem.

Having gone to relate on Wednesday, i imagined how i would feel if i asked her to go and she just said "no". I would be hurt and devastated and rejected. This is almost exactly what i did to her almost a year ago, (she would say it was exactly). Now seeing it like that, even though i can understand how i came to that decision, i can try to imagine how she felt at the time and i hate myself for it.

In realising this and other occasions where i was withdrawn emotionally and childlike in my wish to ignore it and hope it goes away, i know i am addressing a problem that i have. It would be very hard to face these issues even if i did have my wife supporting me, and to face them now with the thought that it may not affect our future together makes it doubly hard. To some extent i resent the fact that she has never supported me through the bad times with regard to my family BUT how could she have because i have never really opened up to her.

My sister said to me today "wasn't it good" to have my son on Friday night (it was) but she said it like it was a treat for me. I haven't done anything to deserve to not see him every day. I am a good Dad. I have re-arranged work last month so that for the next three months we would have every evening and 3 days a week where i would be around to be a dad and a husband, and following my wifes rejection of that idea and now her decision to break, the extra time i am around is just extra time to feel alone. Too little too late springs to mind but i am trying to keep on hoping.

A new week and a new day starts in 5 minutes, i pray they will both be improvements on the ones that went before them.

Dave
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 04:11 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer