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Old 24th June 2013, 10:18 PM   #1
RoadHome
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Marriage of Obligation vs Happiness

I have been married for just over 6 years. I am a Christian and have always been prone to putting others first and my own happiness/desires last. This carried over into the dating relationship with my now wife. Coming out of a horrible relationship and turning my life over to Christ, I decided to swing the polar opposite when choosing someone to date. I landed on my wife, a family oriented, smart, opinionated, feisty, and most important Christian woman. All my friends who were Christians told me she was the one and all I needed to do is just settle down and start a family. Whereas my non-Christian friends, who at that time knew me best could see a immediate change in my personality and happiness (not a transformation of the holy spirit being referred to here). I have always been a really outgoing guy, very active, happiness, goofy, and with a heart for people. Shortly after I started dating her this all changed, not for the good. The best way I can describe this is I put on a mask, played the husband and fell in line. Has the month went by the pressure for marriage grew strong and with it the expectation to make it happen sooner rather than later. So, I yielded to the pressure (again a people pleasure, afraid to disappoint) and before I knew it we were married. I remember standing at the front of the church crying (not a typical thing for me - military man) breaking inside knowing that this was the last thing I actually wanted and was not happy in the slightest. But torn with the label I would place on her (bride left at the alter) and the judgments of 300+ in attendance (almost all her guests).

The honey moon was to be as expected, fulfilling for her (was her first) and not for me in the slightest. This carried into our marriage and obviously over time became a source of conflict. As I have never been a player or slept around. But merely unable to separate love with intimacy. Meaning if I truly love (desire to be with, accept, enjoy, connect, communicate, and are best friends) that person, affection in showered on them without holding back. But if it is not there, I do it more out of obligation as if I am just a woman fulfilling their husband needs before he rolls over and goes to sleep while she lays there unsatisfied in every way yearning to have her lover take her, touch her, and satisfy her.
Fast forward 5 years and a marriage that was supposed to be full of happiness, love, and affection was more like a morgue. My heart nearly flat lined and my happiness non-existent. After the birth of my son, which I adore and love with all my heart. I found that nothing changed in the marriage between her and I. I know this probably seems like common sense but with a wife that nagged constantly about how having a child would make her happy, I hoped and prayed it would. But merely shifted to job, house, or my lack of desire for her in the bedroom or in general.

Now comes the stone throwing, so you all know I have experienced a lot of the last year. I began an emotional affair that grew into a full blown one fairly quickly just over a year ago. With a woman that I care for deeply, love without reserve, connect with on a scary level, communicated about everything (including my wife and son), accepts me flaws and all, and loves be without holding back. This is where I open the floor. What is a person to do.... stay married or choose their happiness. I understand and have read my fair share of books, forums, and sat through countless counseling sessions. I know the statistics and what a broken home does to children (as I came from one). But I have to believe that my son growing up in a home that is not full of happiness, laughter, and a mommy and daddy that love each other is just as bad. Maybe I'm wrong, everyone thus far has thrown stones and told me to fall back in line. I am just hoping to hear some unbiased opinions of people that may care enough to hear me out. I appreciate anything that you feel comfortable sharing with me. Thank you in advance. Take care and God bless.
David
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