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Old 7th January 2016, 11:20 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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I'm falling out of love - with the love of my life.

This is my first post, anywhere, so thank you in advance for your support.

For the first time in a long time, i'm genuinely happy with myself and who I am. My self-confidence has returned, i'm very fit and healthy and at 33 years of age am excited about life, both present and future. But, I feel alone, with my self satisfaction to keep me company. I have what I consider a wonderful family and life. My wife and I have 3 children (two from my first marriage) between ages 8 and 20 mos., i'm more than gainfully employed in a profession I love. So, whats the problem? My wife, whom I love dearly and truly thought was the love of my life, has become a physically numb b-sexual, robot of a lover. We are intimate possibly twice/month, assuming I take initiative and am ok with lack of interest.
The Back Log -

I don't know that the situation started at some point, as much as it was likely present the entire time and i just wasn't willing to see it mindfully. Obviously with a busy family, were both exhausted. My wife is also a professional and has a demanding job, but were a good team - in that yes, I take off my suit after a 10 hour day, clean toilets, diaper pails, make dinner, roll on the floor with the kids and balance the finances. And, lovingly, so does she. We are kind of a dream team. We rarely argue, spend lots of quality family time together and both want the same things for our family. But, what do we want for ourselves? I want lust! I want her to rip my suit off, call me by my last name with a MR. first and rock my world. She wants to read... (Ahh you see the problem). I'm a very sexual, emotionally secure man. I write her special notes and leave them out on her car to find in the morning, I randomly send flowers to her office, or call during a really busy day for me - just to say hello. I hold her hand as often as I can and do my very best to listen to her. I love hearing about her day and the stresses she has. I rub feet (although admittedly not as often as I should but I do feel guilty if I don't when she asks which I would consider a step in the proper direction) and we both support each-other having free time away from each-other.

So, why isn't she interested in being intimate with me? I'm definitely a pleaser in bed and I think my male parts are more than adequate. I try to think about her before myself, am very patient and loving and just want to be close to her. I've tried every possible angle, conducted lots of research, and of course... We have discussed this at length! In fact, you would be surprised to learn my wife is actually a practicing marriage and family therapist - ping!

Her response is standard: too tired, too busy, kids, not feeling well....

The challenge -
I think i'm a good looking fella. I'm successful, taking very good care of myself, dress well and am mindful that the words which come out of my mouth are actually impacting. I am hit on around the office on a daily basis and at work events. I would NEVER break my vow, but I am beginning to not feel as intimately confident as I once did. What's more, i'm beginning to resent my wife and now the thought of intimacy with her is weaning. Im also not seeing her the same way; less sexually and more friendship based. Shes becoming my sister and we've only been married for 4 years.

Is this what I signed up for? To be made into a tennis shoe wearing, under sexed man with three kids and a wife who I will likely begin to despise intimately? I hate to talk about her and my family like this but, this is not me. I've always been a sharp, witty man who has not had a problem - or even had to question that part of my life.

- Very uncomfortable.
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Old 8th January 2016, 10:11 AM   #2
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: I'm falling out of love - with the love of my life.

You appear to have a lot going for you apart from the sexual problem. It seems plain to me that she is giving out a lot in business, motherhood etc. and doesn't have much left for meaningful sex. If she is a marriage therapist she would know this. She is probably very good at counseling others but doesn't see her own marital problem. It is plain she is doing too much. Sex is very important in a marriage. Regularly coming together in a meaningful way takes temptation out of the way. Being exhausted or too busy doesn't make for good sex. Some things will have to be pruned in her life I think. It might be difficult for her to receive that from you but she might receive it from a marriage counselor perhaps.

We can't always make our wives act in the way we want because of our fantasies but adapting to each other's needs is often the answer.
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Old 8th January 2016, 12:45 PM   #3
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Re: I'm falling out of love - with the love of my life.

I so agree with raymond. Women think they can do it all but they cant. If she has a demanding job as well as caring for 3 children, two of whom are not her own, one of whom is very young, something will give and for you its the sex. However, most couples dont agree on how often they want sex or what they want from sex, so its about compromise. If you want sex twice a week and she is ok with twice a month, then how about once a week? Could she work part time for a few years till the children are older?
You are expecting her to be the same as you sexually, but she is herself. She has her own thoughts and ideas on sex.

I wonder, if you have talked about this and made sure that she knows your feelings and how this is affecting you, but nothing has changed, can you go and see a marriage counsellor yourselves?
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Old 10th January 2016, 07:49 PM   #4
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Re: I'm falling out of love - with the love of my life.

I can understand why you would be frustrated. She sounds quite tired to me. If you love her, don't give up on her or the life you have built together. If you both don't come to an agreement about sex I think counseling could be helpful. Sometimes therapists need therapy, and that's okay.

You said you are starting to resent her. If you can let go of your resentment, you will see her as she is. Not as your sister as you say, but as your wife. Hopefully she will work with you to figure out this issue as I can see it hurts and bothers you. You would like to have that intimacy back. That is quite understandable. If you can't come to an agreement about the frequency, ask her if she will agree to counseling. Tell her how much you miss that closeness with her. Come from a place of honesty and love and see if you can figure this out together.

Last edited by Lindentree1; 11th January 2016 at 12:10 AM.
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Old 16th January 2016, 11:28 AM   #5
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Posts: 12
Re: I'm falling out of love - with the love of my life.

ask her to take some time off and spend it with you, try out activities that can boost up your marriage, talk about every thing you want to talk about with her in a different environment not at home home or you can both go see a marriage counselor
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Old 20th January 2016, 03:43 AM   #6
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Re: I'm falling out of love - with the love of my life.

She is a busy woman and the last thing a busy woman wants to do is have sex.

I think you should pick a different day every week or second week and on those days, you cook dinner or get take away, you clean the house, you have the kids showered etc so when she walks into the house there is nothing for her to do except relax and spend the evening with you.

This will give her time to wine down from her busy day and just breath. Once she has time to relax she will feel more in the mood.

Hopefully if this works and you keep it up, this will make her want you more. Good luck
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divorce, intimacy, marriage, sexless marriage

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