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Old 27th January 2007, 06:50 PM   #1
james_7
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Was getting married a big mistake?

Hi, new to the forum but in need of help.
I think perhaps I have made a mistake by getting married. We got together 9 years ago, split up after 3 then got back together the next year. Ever since then (5 years) I have felt that there has been something lacking: we get on fine but I don't feel I'm in love with her.

The thing is though, she was so hurt when we split up the first time I think I decided I could never do that to her again now that I'd come back. So anyway, things drift along and last year we got married: to be fair it was pretty much that or split up with her and I wasn't going to do that remember. It did all seem a natural progression to the relationship despite my doubts, and no question if made her very happy (and don't get me wrong I care about her very much and want to make her happy). I think I somehow persuaded myself a wedding would be a magic pill and make me happily in love with her forever, as though promising to be in love with her forever in front of a fair number of people would make it so. Yes, I know that doesn't sound like the smartest idea in the world now.

For a few month's honeymoon period it seemed to work: there is something quite appealing about playing the happily married man, but perhaps it was just that, playing a part. By now, less than a year after the wedding, I am right back where I was, living with a really good friend but not in love with her. I got married to make her happy but I'm not.

I met someone else the other week; nothing happened but I felt myself falling for another woman and realised the mess I had got myself in. I'm absolutely not about to embark on an affair, nor even try to see her again, but it's made me realise there is someone out there I could fall for completely and makes me think I've done both of us a disservice by getting married.

Any advice on what I can do? Is it really going to have to be a choice between my happiness and hers?

Thanks.

James
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Old 27th January 2007, 07:24 PM   #2
markus
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Re: Was getting married a big mistake?

I think that your quite a selfish person ... you married her for the same reasons most get married but your affair prone - your mind wonders
You lack the ability to appreciate what you have
you get on fine but hey the grass could be greener on the other side
And thats why your posting here now instead of the week before you met the other women
Thanks for showing us the mentality of the cheater

I wouldn't be surprised if the reason you split up before was you having a bit on the side ?? Its a pattern thats stays with the cheater for life

Send you wife here .... i think she deserves the advice more than you
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Old 27th January 2007, 07:25 PM   #3
jools
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Re: Was getting married a big mistake?

Hi James
Hate to say it but "yes" in answer to your question. Other people may give you more optimistic answers but you cant force yourself to feel a certain way. You've just been weak in allowing yourself to drift along to this point and I think you're probably putting off the inevitable. Shame you went as far as marriage - but it's too late to undo that now (other than divorce of course.) Sorry James - whatever happens someone's gonna be unhappy - but I reckon you owe her the truth. It would be cruel to string her along anymore when you know that you can't sustain the lie.
Jools X
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Last edited by jools; 20th April 2011 at 02:38 PM.
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Old 28th January 2007, 07:59 AM   #4
markus
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Re: Was getting married a big mistake?

What happens in his next relationship after six months when the love cloud evaporates and he's back to square one unhappy ?
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Old 28th January 2007, 03:07 PM   #5
jools
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Re: Was getting married a big mistake?

The fact that they split up the first time was probably an indication that the relationship wasn't right and they should have left it there. If the love cloud evaporates after six months the next time then he should leave that one there too. He knew before he married her that it wasn't right but still went ahead. The message is that you don't commit unless you are absolutely certain of that person. Yes, I know that things can still still go pear shaped even when you do feel certain - but when you don't then your chances aren't good.

The worst thing he could do now would be to start a family with his partner until he's fully resolved things.
Jools
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Last edited by jools; 20th April 2011 at 02:38 PM.
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Old 28th January 2007, 03:27 PM   #6
markus
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Re: Was getting married a big mistake?

Seek happiness for yourself and it will always allude you .. seek it for others and you'll find it yourself

Thats a fact

He'll just end up leaving a trail of failed relationships behind him ..... get on with it
your wife wont take long finding your replacement
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Old 29th January 2007, 07:42 AM   #7
helenrw200
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Re: Was getting married a big mistake?

James

I married a man I didn't love.. and knew I didn't love.. in the hope that time would force the issue and I would eventually love him as much as he loved me . I was 24 back then and time seemed something I had plenty of. We were friends, I cared about him, we got on and he wanted marriage more than anything so eventually I gave in.

15 years later and approaching 40 time no longer seemed so infinite and the love I'd hoped would flourish still hadn't. That was 4 years ago. I made the decision to end the marriage. Yes he was hurt and it was messy, there was no-one else involved but he wouldn't believe that .I went through horrendous guilt and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

2 years ago my ex husband met someone and moved in with her, he is happier now than he has ever been because SHE loves him. My only regret is that he was denied that for those 15 years , not his fault, mine. I didn't leave him just because I wanted to be happy, I cared enough about him to see he wasn't happy either and it manifested itself in constant rows and tension.How hard must it be to live with someone when you continually doubt they love you ?

You did something you thought was right to make someone you cared about happy , you now have 2 choices . Stay and if you do decide that you have to be prepared to put your own feelings aside for the rest of your life, in the hope that the love will eventually grow. Or leave and hurt your wife now, but give her the chance to find someone who will love her as she deserves. Not easy choices and neither may feel like the right one but living with it and then making the decision to leave years down the line , once maybe children are involved doesn't make it any easier. If you stay it has to be a conscious choice to really work at it and not give up the moment someone else walks into your life.


Good luck

Helen
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Old 29th January 2007, 01:32 PM   #8
Kate
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Re: Was getting married a big mistake?

Dear James

I have read your post and the replies and I would just like to add some questions and comments.

I wonder what you have measured your marriage against, because that will be giving rise to some of your feelings. I also wonder whether you are the sort of person who finds routine things hard and needs lots of spice and change in life. If you say you will do something do you stick to it however tough or do you find that hard to do?

If you did leave your wife, how do you know that she would meet someone else and be happy? You might be the one for her, and you could be abandoning her to a life of loneliness.

You say you thought that promising to be in love with your wife in front of family and friends at your wedding would help you to feel that way. I donít think the wedding vows say that unless you wrote your own. The vows are usually about committing to care for each other through the ups and downs of life. Few of us feel in love all the time in our marriages. In fact I can remember times when I felt decidedly frustrated and fed up. Those were times when there were issues to resolve, not times when I thought that I had made a big mistake.

Love is funny word. It conjures up feelings of happiness, passion and excitement, but itís so much more. Itís about deciding to put the other person first and caring for them. If you can both do that then the happiness comes.

I can hear from what you have written that you are not very happy. I wonder what would help you to feel at peace and secure in your marriage. I wonder how much preparation you got for marriage Ė most people get very little. I can personally recommend marriage enrichment programmes such as Marriage Encounter. These are not counseling. They offer you the opportunity to discover a purpose and vision for your marriage, to find out what really makes a marriage work and to get some tools to make your marriage stronger.

I would suggest that before you give up on your marriage or even burden your wife with your present doubts and feelings that you take some steps to make your marriage work. Why not try some of the things that I have suggested and give things a few more months to see whether you can find some hope for the future together.

All the best
Kate
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Old 27th February 2007, 07:26 PM   #9
skylynn
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Re: Was getting married a big mistake?

This sounds very similar to my situation. I feel as though my husband feels this exact way!
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Old 27th February 2007, 10:16 PM   #10
Coffeebean
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Re: Was getting married a big mistake?

i think my husband has the same problem he has decided to struggle on with me even though he says he doesn't love me as much as he use to. Having read everybody's posts here i'm wondering whether i should take the step for him we have the complication of a baby on the way but surely its better now then when the little one is 2. I'm sure you know maybe you shouldn't have married her marriage doesn't solve anything anymore than starting a family does which i think is what mine did - very stupid if he was having problems he should have ensured we stopped trying. Maybe you should be brave and leave yes it will hurt her but as long as one person isn't happy in a relationship then nobody is and its just 2nd best. Have you told her how your struggling?
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Old 27th February 2007, 10:32 PM   #11
marriedbrunette30
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Re: Was getting married a big mistake?

I just dont understand why people do this. This is the second post I've read about marrying someone you arent in love with. I know life isnt perfect and people can marry for reasons other then love,but it doesnt make it right. Marriage is supposed to be a union of two people's love.Not,I'm-marrying-you-now-until-something-better-comes-along.
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