Thank you guys, for all your lovely posts!
I saw my NHS face-to-face counsellor for the second time on Friday. She agreed that perhaps he had wanted to see me, that opening up was for him like learning a new language and there were times when he was going to fluff it up, and perhaps he'd not rung becuase I'd always been the organiser, the initiator in our relationship. Which is true. She added that communication was the key here and that maybe I was refusing to ring him because some part of me wanted to 'sabotage' any chance of sorting this out.
I disagree with the sabotage thing, but I had a good long think about it and being open to sugestions I plucked up the guts to ring him yesterday morning. The good news is he saw the doc yesterday and he's finally got an assesment form for psychotherapy (sigh). And he's still taking the pills.
The rest of it wasn't so great. His voice was very down, very weary. He says he's thrown himself into his badminton. He came out with 'I'm just plodding along' three times in 10 mins. There were more of the 'I don't know' and 'I'm not sure'. He said he wants to get over 'this', whatever it was. I asked him if he meant 'us' or his head. He said - yes, you've got it - 'I don't know'. Wahey.
He sounds like he's reverted right back to where he was before the year of counselling.
So, after that conversation I rang the telephone counsellor I have access to via work. She said I should not have rung him, I shouldn't make contact, 'I don't know' isn't good enough, I shouldn't spend my time researching his problem, and was I thinking about a new relationship yet?
It felt a bit 'Get your life together and get on with it' which, whilst I can see where she (and some friends) are coming from, isn't that easy when your head is pulling in one direction and your heart is refusing to budge!
So, the moral of the story is never talk to two counsellors; counsellors are only people and have differing opinions that aren't always right...
@ J - distate; sit down with pen & paper and list all the nasty things he's said or done. Somehow writing it out seems to bring it home more.
@ Val - I think you're fab. I really admire you for your bat work! Yes, you're right, it's not been long in the grand scheme of things. I hope he falls for a lass who smokes, likes to watch all the soaps and football, spends hours applying make-up and won't help with DIY in case she breaks her nails! (Apologies anyone who does the above, that's just what he said he hates..) Did you get anything at the market?
@SA - you're spot on. He is afraid, very afraid. Afraid of being in a relationship, afraid not to be because he doesn't want to be alone. He's trapped, and trapping me with him.....Hmmm.
Had a lovely time at Kathryn's last night and have just shared the remains of the pavlova with my brother, thank you K!
Hope you've all had good weekends and are mellowing with wine / chocolate (wish Jen had never mentioned it's good for seratonnin levels - that's now my excuse...
) in hot baths or whatever your sin is!
Huge chocolatey hugs,
Axxx