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Old 14th March 2014, 07:03 PM   #1
rikuro
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Unhappy trapped....

God... I didn't expect to write so much. I apologise in advance for boring you with my problems. If anyone has the patience to make it to the end of my story I thank you!

Hi everyone. I have been lurking on these forums for some time now and I think it's finally time for me to post and share my story. I feel I can really relate to some of the people on here. So, it's reassuring to know that I'm not alone in this.

I've been unhappy in my marriage for about 2 years now (I've only been married 3). I have a 3 year old daughter who I love deeply. I was at the age of 23 when I married and my wife was 28.

I feel I should explain how we got together in the first place as I think the circumstances were somewhat unusual...

I had decided to take a couple of years out to travel, experience the world and enjoy my youth. Starting in Indonesia, where I had a few friends. The friend with whom I was staying had a girlfriend. They had been dating for around 2 years. Previously, she had mentioned to me about him being aggressive, sometimes mentally abusive in their relationship but, I hadn't thought too much about it because they seemed to be so happy together in public. After living with them for a while, however, I witnessed first hand not only the mental but also the physical abuse she suffered at the hands of my "friend", her boyfriend. On many occasions I had to console her after an incident with her boyfriend and on more than one occasion I had to physically restrain him from doing her harm. After this, I convinced her to leave him because I know what a great girl she is and she could do better than him.
I could feel her becoming very attached to me during this time but I didn't have any feelings for her at all. Not wanting to make her situation worse, I just stayed with her to support her. She was very vulnerable and I felt pity for her. After a short time she told me that she loved me. We eventually started a relationship. Things started to move too quickly for me when she started to talk about marriage. So I began looking for a way out without doing too much damage.

My funds were running low so I decided to move on to Australia for work. Shortly after arriving in Australia I got a phone call from her... She had been to the doctor and discovered she was pregnant. I knew I had to do the right thing, so I went back to Indonesia to talk to her and her parents about it. We decided to get married. So I used what little savings I had to pay for a simple wedding. After that I went back to Australia to make money to pay the medical bills for our baby's delivery. And I guess the rest is history...

We lived together happily for a while after that. Mainly I think, because we were both busy learning how to be good parents. I knew that I didn't love my wife but maybe I was naive in thinking that it could grow between us. I love my daughter with all my heart and I only want what's best for her. But, over time I have just grown to become cold, numb and emotionless towards my wife and it's making her extremely unhappy.

I have recently taken a job in another part of the country. So, we are now facing a long distance relationship. I haven't seen my wife or daughter for almost 3 months now. It is really taking its toll on my wife. She is a very dependent person. I miss my daughter terribly. I think about her every minute. I can't say the same for my wife, however. She senses this of course and she regularly asks me if I love her and if I really care about her. Every time I find myself lying to her to spare her feelings. To make matters worse, she has started having some kind of mental break down. She regularly blacks out and when she comes to, she's covered in bruises. I just really don't know what to do.i don't want to stay trapped in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life but, on the other hand, I want to be a part of my daughter's life. Also, I'm seriously worried about the state and the mental condition of my wife. The thing is, there are no shortage of men who want, badly, to be with my wife... Good men with good jobs. Men who are willing to accept her the way she is. It just makes me wonder... what the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I appreciate her? And why is she so determined to stay with me?

The problem is, I think I have already decided that I want to end the marriage but, it just seems so impossible right now. She is not stable and I'm worried about the repercussions... She had threatened me before that she wouldn't let me see my daughter if I ever divorced her.

Any advice or any comments at all will be greatly appreciated and I apologise once again for boring you.
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Old 14th March 2014, 07:50 PM   #2
chosen
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Posts: 5,794
Re: trapped....

Hi rukuro

I have got time to answer properly right now, but if your wife is blacking out and waking up covered in bruises(???)and has a small child around? Why isn't she seeking medical attention? Its sounds very weird to me, and what happens to your 3 year old when her mother is unconscious? I think you need to get back there and look after your family, and make sure she goes for medical help immediately, that's not normal and I have to wonder if she is telling you the truth about how she got those bruises.

Also another question. How do you know all that these men who are apparently wanting to be with your wife? Does she tell you that? That also sounds very strange to me.

Last edited by chosen; 14th March 2014 at 08:26 PM.
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Old 14th March 2014, 08:15 PM   #3
LibraLady
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Re: trapped....

Wow, I would get my child in safe hands Immediately. THEN, try to figure out whats next for your marriage. Be honest with her and yourself about how you feel and what you want. Her mental status should not hold you prisoner to her or the marriage. Become educated about your legal rights as a parent.
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Old 15th March 2014, 09:20 AM   #4
Raymond
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Re: trapped....

I don't think it is right to walk away. You have slept with her, got her pregnant, married her and now you want out because you don't feel you love her. I believe you can work through this and learn to love her, the mother of the daughter you so love. Love isn't only a feeling but an act. One can love on purpose and the feelings come. The time for feelings was before you made the commitment to marriage. After that commitment you cannot hinge your whole marriage relationship on feelings as many are doing today and becoming unstuck. Feelings are great but they should not be the foundation of the marriage. Love is. Doing the honorable thing is also the answer to your life, your daughter's life and your wife's life. Jumping ship is a tragedy for all.
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Old 15th March 2014, 02:05 PM   #5
chosen
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Re: trapped....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
I don't think it is right to walk away. You have slept with her, got her pregnant, married her and now you want out because you don't feel you love her. I believe you can work through this and learn to love her, the mother of the daughter you so love. Love isn't only a feeling but an act. One can love on purpose and the feelings come. The time for feelings was before you made the commitment to marriage. After that commitment you cannot hinge your whole marriage relationship on feelings as many are doing today and becoming unstuck. Feelings are great but they should not be the foundation of the marriage. Love is. Doing the honorable thing is also the answer to your life, your daughter's life and your wife's life. Jumping ship is a tragedy for all.
I so agree, and your wife and child need you there and not away for months at a time. Try and find a job near them or move them to be near you. She does sound as if she has some issues, but you married her for better or for worse didnt you? You not being a good loving husband wont be helping her to feel loved or secure.
She does need medical help now, and you need to go back and make sure she goes for a diagnosis of why she is passing out and where the bruises are coming from. Be a responsible husband and father, and be there for them. If you can leave your work, then suggest that they move to be where you are.

Last edited by chosen; 16th March 2014 at 08:04 AM.
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Old 16th March 2014, 08:08 AM   #6
chosen
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Re: trapped....

Quote:
Originally Posted by LibraLady View Post
Wow, I would get my child in safe hands Immediately. THEN, try to figure out whats next for your marriage. Be honest with her and yourself about how you feel and what you want. Her mental status should not hold you prisoner to her or the marriage. Become educated about your legal rights as a parent.
She is his wife, she isnt holding him prisoner. He choose to marry her for better or for worse, knowing full well what she was like, and we cant just abandon our spouse and child because we are finding it a bit hard going.
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Old 17th March 2014, 02:23 PM   #7
ronnoco
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Re: trapped....

Hi Rickuro,

You wonder why your wife wants to stay with you when there are others guys who would glad take her, etc. It's probably quite simple. She married you. She vowed to spend the rest of her life with you and you are the father of her daughter. She wants things to work no matter what. She doesn't want to loose you. This is natural.

Have a think about it. Would you be happy if you and your wife split up and she met someone who was a nightmare? Read the post on this forum from Cabbage. His ex is now dating someone who has a criminal record longer than your arm and he has now started smacking the children. He has been violent towards his ex and others and is basically every dads worst nightmare as a father figure to their children.

Are you really willing to put yourself in this situation without first having a real try at rescuing your marriage?

What country are you in? I wonder this because no matter where you are, 3 months is an incredibly long time to be away from your child. You are missing so much. I suspect that deep down, the reason you haven't seen your child is because you don't want to see your wife.

Your child should mean everything to you. Even if you need to change jobs, my advice is move back home and give your marriage a real good go. You owe it your child. How will you feel if in the future her mum explains that daddy just left without a fight? At least give it your absolute best try. Marriage counselling is your first point of call.

I wonder if your wife's bruises are in fact a cry for her. She probably feels tormented inside knowing that you don't really love her. It must be mental torture for her which leads to anxiety, panic attacks and so on.

Raymond's post was really good. There is more to real love than just having that deep attraction and desire for someone. I know you want to bail because you can probably picture yourself happier with someone else, but don't try to convince yourself this is best for everyone concerned because it's not.
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Old 17th March 2014, 07:36 PM   #8
LibraLady
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Re: trapped....

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
She is his wife, she isnt holding him prisoner. He choose to marry her for better or for worse, knowing full well what she was like, and we cant just abandon our spouse and child because we are finding it a bit hard going.

Yes, she is his wife, however, it may be that she is using her mental and health issues to hold him and keep him with her out of pity. It happens all of the time. Sooner or later, the inevitable will happen. They will work it out or he will leave. Feining illness, having a baby, etc NEVER kept a man with a woamn when he didnt want to be there whole heartedly.
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