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Old 24th January 2014, 10:08 PM   #31
chosen
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Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

Well its not really an arranged marriage. You married someone for the wrong reasons.
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Old 30th January 2014, 03:42 PM   #32
RoadHome
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Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

So how then does someone who has made a decision out of completely wrong reasons, make it right? When important parts of a martial relationship do not remotely exist and continued to function out of the others pressure, force, and threatening of the one thing that I find joy in (my son) being used as a carrot. I know my vows are not only with my wife but with God. But am I wrong to feel that God loves me enough to desire me to not have laughter and joy once again flow out of me. For each day to be something different than this continue groundhogs day. Am I wrong to say that in my poor decision that understanding that the things that I wished were there, may indeed never be there despite how much faith or prayers or scripture verse I recite over and over again. That ultimately my only choice is to offer my heart’s desire of having a wife that I can talk to, want to be with, or that I can be authentic with as a sacrifice to God. Because everyone has told me you have a sense of entitlement and believe that you deserve or should have something better. But I always sit back and wish for once someone would acknowledge my feelings, needs, and emotions as being something other than sinful or needing reprogramming or fixing and are indeed legitimate. That much as everyone and their neighbor offers me very much the same advice: pray more, go to church more, focus on anything other than how you feel, and combine those altogether and life is good. I have secretly grieved and anguished over my decision from the wedding day on. Attending conference, counseling (separate/together) all aimed at convincing me I’m a sinful person for feeling the way I do or don’t toward my wife, read numerous books all seemingly to be centered at those who have somehow along the way fell out of love (whereas the book about my situation - never was in love nor do I love my wife other than as a sister in Christ). This just sucks plain and simple, if I leave than I’m a horrible, sinful, selfish, person and father. If I stay and have these feelings that don’t focus on them, fall back in line and just keep doing what you’re supposed to do. But yet everyone tells me to be hopeful and not discouraged, don’t try to think about it (i.e. stuff it) and just focus on anything but it. Why do I feel like I am the only one that is not ok with that logic...
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Old 30th January 2014, 06:51 PM   #33
chosen
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Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

Maybe God wants you to be able to have and enjoy the life he gave you, even if you dont love your wife in the way that you want to.
I have known quite a few people not happy in their marriages, but they still seem to have a vibrant faith, do things for God, have good friends, interests, hobbies, a good church family, their children and the list goes on and on.
Maybe God wants you to look to Him for your peace and joy, and not your wife or marriage.
There is no reason why you cant have a full life and do what God wants you to do despite the disappointment of your marriage. Maybe he wants you to be good friends and companions with your wife and to treat her with love, despite your feelings, and to actually be content with that.
Maybe He wants you to keep your promises that you made. I am not sure we are all guaranteed happiness all the time, or that we will all have amazing marriages. Its how we deal with what we do have, and what happens to us that surely matters most.
You seem convinced that you cant be happy nor do things that God wants you to do unless you end the marriage. I think He may want you to find peace, joy and contentment while you are still IN the marriage.
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Old 31st January 2014, 03:03 PM   #34
RoadHome
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Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

Maybeeeee... choices, decisions, and mindsets need to be made up. This balancing beam mentality is not beneficial or healthy for anyone involved.
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Old 31st January 2014, 05:03 PM   #35
chosen
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Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

have you ever asked God outright what he wants you to do, being 100% open to His answer even if its not what you want to hear?
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Old 14th March 2014, 03:16 PM   #36
LibraLady
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Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

I pray that you do what is best for you because life is too short. Now, you know what you have (with your wife and child) BUT you dont know what you are going to get with the OW should you choose to be with her.

They say,,,,how you get them, is how you keep them .

Good luck.
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Old 20th March 2014, 08:04 AM   #37
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Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

Every mistake is acceptable but cheating is not, because the foundation of successful marriage is faith, love and care. The strongest belief of marriage to make it successful is to have faith on your partner but when this trust broke it hurts a lot.
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Old 21st March 2014, 01:09 PM   #38
Raymond
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Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

Very true.
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Old 4th June 2014, 10:06 PM   #39
RoadHome
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Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

It has been some time since I have given an update. For many who have followed, offered support, encouragement, and prayer, I thank you all. While things are much the same, minus the other woman as many have stated. I continue to immerse myself in the word, attend counseling, pray, and invest in my wife & son. However I feel alone in my grief and brokenness over the end of our relationship. Whenever I have tried to voice my somber mood and depressed stated, it has immediately been cast out as being sinful and wrong. However, understanding the reasoning behind my marriage and heart cry. I feel as if a divorce or death has just occurred, not only in just the ending of the affair but also in the breaking of the authentic love (not sexual) and friendship we shared.

There is not a single day that does not go by in which I do not think, pray for, and miss her. I understand that like any other relationship, things take time for healing and change to occur. But I am just sharing my heart, which is broken. I feel as though my wife, counselors, and other well intentioned Christian have merely replaced my fear of rejection by them (people pleasing) and redirected it to my relationship with God. With no reputation to save with anyone or further rejection that has not already occurred. Its been and now all about me need to be pleasing to God, anything other is being disobedient and that grieves God and invokes his wrath (in a sense not loving me unconditionally) so I must do .... to earn my acceptance and his love.

Does God love the adulterer any less than the gossiper or murder? If I had gotten a divorce from my wife out of my own conviction and reasoning, does that mean God will forever cast me out of the kingdom of heaven and void the redemptive/compete work of Christ on the cross for all sins? When there is not one hair on my head that is righteous but Christ inputted righteousness that dwells in me only. Forgive me if I sound like I am merely looking for a excuse to leave me wife (sin - breaking the covenant made before and with God). But I have to believe that God knows my heart like every birth of the sky, knows my grief, and brokenness of the life I share with my wife.


I believe God can work a miracle in our marriage and bring joy into my life even if He chooses not to. But if He gives us the freedom to choose between that which we know is right (to stay with my wife to honor Him) or wrong (leave), does He love, forgive, extend grace, mercy, and not use me for His will? When I read scripture full of imperfect men in woman and how He still using them in miraculous way. David is a prime example......

Last edited by RoadHome; 5th June 2014 at 01:46 PM.
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Old 5th June 2014, 01:28 PM   #40
Raymond
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Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

You seem to be saying if I sin will God still love me. Yes God will still love you but you will have cut yourself off until you repent of that sin. Repentance would mean that you put it right and walk in the light again.

I think you are making too much of this personally. You have a wife who loves you and a wonderful child. Our ultimate relationship is with God through Christ as it happens.

You sound as if you think you have been greatly wronged when you chose yourself to get married. We all have to live by our decisions in life. God knows the circumstances of how you got married and He can make it work for good if you let Him.

I think you are harbouring this deception that destiny awaits you with someone else when your life is there before you. Your battle is with these thoughts about someone else outside of marriage I think. I would ask God where these thoughts are coming from. They may well be coming from the enemy who as you know comes to kill, steal and to destroy. Part of your answer might be to stop thinking of this other woman and yes, even stop praying for her. Let her go and give her to God.
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Old 5th June 2014, 09:19 PM   #41
chosen
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Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

I agree with Raymond.
You also need to stop thinking about the OW, stop praying for her or anything else to do with her. Dont allow yourself to dwell on her for a second. Take all thoughts off her and onto your wife and child and the rest of your life. Stop fantasing about what 'may have been' because the liklihood is that it would never have been like that anyway, its all fantasy and in your mind only.
As Raymond says, if we sin He still loves us, but He will wait till we come back to Him and do what is right before that relationship is restored.

Discontentment is a terrible thing. Be thankful for what you do have, which is more than many have, and stop yearning for something that isnt yours to have and that would never be as perfect as you expect anyway.

You still havent cut her out of your life. You are still thinking and dreaming about what would happen if you left your wife and child and went to be with her, therefore you have not cut those emotional ties. She is nothing to do with you, so stop wasting your thoughts on a lady who will one day probably be married to someone else. As Raymond says you still need to let her go. Its very likely that the enemy put her there to break up your marriage, he does that a lot in the workplace with the resulting devastation that it causes. He hates marriage, especially Christian marriage, and will use any willing person to achieve this.
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Old 13th June 2014, 03:32 PM   #42
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Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

Counseling, God's word, community with other believers, and break in complete contact and thinking about her. 60 day detox, intensive workshops, and have filled my time with working on projects and with my son. But I still have this longing to return overseas, not for the other woman but out of a deep desire to service God there.

What of that or the lack of any form of any true relationship with my wife other than that centered around our son from the very beginning. I feel under the law and not grace, feel forced to stay under penalty of God's rejection of my if I choose to leave. As if He could never use me after that, again replacing people pleasing with a form of God pleasing by works alone for my salvation....
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Old 13th June 2014, 05:08 PM   #43
chosen
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Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

Quote:
Originally Posted by RoadHome View Post
Counseling, God's word, community with other believers, and break in complete contact and thinking about her. 60 day detox, intensive workshops, and have filled my time with working on projects and with my son. But I still have this longing to return overseas, not for the other woman but out of a deep desire to service God there.

What of that or the lack of any form of any true relationship with my wife other than that centered around our son from the very beginning. I feel under the law and not grace, feel forced to stay under penalty of God's rejection of my if I choose to leave. As if He could never use me after that, again replacing people pleasing with a form of God pleasing by works alone for my salvation....
When you have children you are not always free to just pack up and go to another country. There is so much we can do in our own countries, so much need there without going anywhere else. I wonder if this desire to go abroad is caught up in the desire for the OW? Can you honestly say that you havent thought about the OW for 6 months? IT may seem attractive to you to go off leave all your responsibilities behind and escape from what you see as 'a prison of your own making', but your family must always come first.

Surely God wants you to be a good husband and father? That is your first and most important ministry before any thoughts of missionary work in another country. If you think of the time that Jesus came, marriages were all arranged. Do you honestly think that all these people loved their spouses in that way? Yet still divorce wasnt allowed except for specific reasons.
Staying with our spouse and children isnt 'works', its keeping our promises we made and doing to the best we can in that covenant relationship we undertook.

Last edited by chosen; 14th June 2014 at 02:13 PM.
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Old 14th June 2014, 08:14 AM   #44
Raymond
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Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

If you were called God would open the way from the circumstances you are in. Not to dump your wife and go. That would leave you with no testimony at all for those you wish to reach. I think you have to understand that God works through circumstances as well. Whatever God is doing in your life He will definitely honour the marriage you are in. He doesn't go against Himself and neither is He the author of confusion. We are supposed to live by faith not feelings. Feelings have to be subject to our faith. We use the good ones and reject those that go against God's word. Loving our wives is very much a part of God's word. Faith is an act not a feeling. You need to endure and deal with these contrary feelings. Doesn't it say bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ and every reasoning that exalts itself against the knowledge of God? 2 Cor 10:5
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