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Old 15th January 2014, 03:38 PM   #211
chosen
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Maybe you would need to set boundaries as condition for the marriage to continue. So for example, this is the last time you are prepared to have her walk out and if she come back it must be for good.
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Old 15th January 2014, 05:16 PM   #212
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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Maybe you would need to set boundaries as condition for the marriage to continue. So for example, this is the last time you are prepared to have her walk out and if she come back it must be for good.
One thing I've learned over the years is that whenever you set boundaries, they get broken. Whether that's friends, kids, or spouses. That's just more pressure for someone to deal with it.
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Old 15th January 2014, 07:39 PM   #213
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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My wife has said and done many things over the years that I have taken as rejection, disrespect, and un-appreciation.

The thing is that those things have changed me, my view of our relationship, my love for her. Some call it a spark, butterflies, longing. However, you describe it, I no longer have that for her, and I honestly don't see it returning.

I don't think it would be fair to continue forward knowing that, and giving her hope that things can return as they once were. We went to counseling, but for me it made things worse.
Hi

Sorry for the delays in joining. Been away :-)

You obviously have some underlying resentment. What sort of things did she do to upset you? (I do hear this all the time over the forum - this must be one of the most common issues amongst Men)

To be honest, "spark" "butterflies" "longing" ..all these things really don't belong to marriage where two people live together 24/7. These things tend to belong to early stages of romance. Perhaps, you have some fantasy idea as to how marriage needs to be for you. (I don't mean to offend x)

These "feelings" never last forever.
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Old 15th January 2014, 07:47 PM   #214
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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It is impossible to know what is inside of someone else's head.

This isn't the first time we have been at this stage. It's just that this time she left. As years go by, for me, I want off the ride. It's like we go through this type turmoil every 6-9 months. Followed by 4 months of making up, then back again. Enough is enough. Not how I want to spend whatever years I have left. And yes, anything is possible, but is it practical?
Only you ought to know when is enough. Nobody can take a responsibility over your life's decisions to be honest. If you wife has already left, it sounds more like a done deal..

Sounds like a highly stress-packed marriage. Obviously you must have loved her enough to go through those cycles. If you were keeping your deep seated resentment underneath, marriage won't work anyway.
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Old 15th January 2014, 07:52 PM   #215
Raymond
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Hi Roses. Hope you enjoyed your break.

I can see the truth in your sentiments.

Magneto you seem to be set to leave no matter what. I think there are obviously problem in the marriage but I for one cannot gauge what they are. What reason does she give for leaving when she left for instance? Is she that terrible?
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Old 15th January 2014, 09:19 PM   #216
chosen
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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One thing I've learned over the years is that whenever you set boundaries, they get broken. Whether that's friends, kids, or spouses. That's just more pressure for someone to deal with it.
Good and godly boundaries are vital for any relationship. We all need them. We all need to know what things that we will and wont accept in a marriage. For example adultery for me it a definate no no, and that would end my marriage immediately. If any man I was married to hit me, that again is a no no. Of course there are more, but if we have no boundaries, then we will allow people to walk all over us and act as they like with no consequences.. Thats not good for them or us.
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Old 16th January 2014, 08:49 AM   #217
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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Hi Roses. Hope you enjoyed your break.

I can see the truth in your sentiments.

Magneto you seem to be set to leave no matter what. I think there are obviously problem in the marriage but I for one cannot gauge what they are. What reason does she give for leaving when she left for instance? Is she that terrible?
As i stated before, we both originally agreed we should part ways. She started to change her mind and wanted to work on the marraige, but i didn't. She became upset that i wouldn't change my mind and try and work things out. So her reason for leaving was if i didn't want to change my mind, there was no reason for her to stay. She is not a terrible person. We just have different views on most things. We have grown apart over the years. Looking back, I don't think we ever came together on many things. When you're young you let things go because they don't mean as much, but over time what was once small becomes large. Small example... we are both christians, but grew up in different type churches. So although we attended church, we never really attended together. Not to offend anyone, but shouting, speaking in tongues, laying on of hands, etc. is ridiculous....but to her that's what church is supposed to be.
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Old 16th January 2014, 08:57 AM   #218
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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Only you ought to know when is enough. Nobody can take a responsibility over your life's decisions to be honest. If you wife has already left, it sounds more like a done deal..

Sounds like a highly stress-packed marriage. Obviously you must have loved her enough to go through those cycles. If you were keeping your deep seated resentment underneath, marriage won't work anyway.
I guess i went through the cycles out of love, obligation, peer pressure, etc. It's not that I kept it underneath, but more so tried to make due. I have come to look at it like a balance. You can pile on stuff until it comes to a breaking point. I was at that point many times. But maybe a few things positive happened to bring things back in balance. This time at that point things happened to make that scale just bottom out.
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Old 16th January 2014, 09:02 AM   #219
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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Hi Roses. Hope you enjoyed your break.

I can see the truth in your sentiments.
Thank you so much for your godly and incredibly kind words as always, Raymond.
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Old 16th January 2014, 09:15 AM   #220
chosen
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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As i stated before, we both originally agreed we should part ways. She started to change her mind and wanted to work on the marraige, but i didn't. She became upset that i wouldn't change my mind and try and work things out. So her reason for leaving was if i didn't want to change my mind, there was no reason for her to stay. She is not a terrible person. We just have different views on most things. We have grown apart over the years. Looking back, I don't think we ever came together on many things. When you're young you let things go because they don't mean as much, but over time what was once small becomes large. Small example... we are both christians, but grew up in different type churches. So although we attended church, we never really attended together. Not to offend anyone, but shouting, speaking in tongues, laying on of hands, etc. is ridiculous....but to her that's what church is supposed to be.
However speaking in tongues and laying on of hands etc is 100% biblical, and described in the Bible many times. You may think its ridiculous but that doesn't mean its wrong. I have prayed in tongues for 25 years and my husband for 35 years, its one of the gifts of the spirit described clearly by Paul. MY husband also gets given prophecies and words for people as well(also 100% Biblical). Jesus Himself say that we are to lay hands on the sick and needy.

Like you I didn't grow up in a church where the Holy Spirit was allowed to work, and everything was controlled, and so I knew nothing of all that, but once I started learning about how much more there was as an adult, I didn't look back. Why not read what God says about such things, and ask yourself why you are so opposed to it all. Its from God, that I do know. Maybe that would help you to understand your wife more?

I have a friend who had an illness that left her wheelchair bound for 7 years. One day a young Christian prayed for her and laid her hands on her, and she was instantly healed and never needed that wheelchair again.

Last edited by chosen; 16th January 2014 at 09:57 AM.
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Old 16th January 2014, 09:18 AM   #221
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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Thank you so much for your godly and incredibly kind words as always, Raymond.
I think you have a fan Raymond
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Old 16th January 2014, 09:21 AM   #222
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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She is not a terrible person. We just have different views on most things. We have grown apart over the years.

Looking back, I don't think we ever came together on many things. When you're young you let things go because they don't mean as much, but over time what was once small becomes large. Small example... .
Hello magneto

Nobody would consider her a terrible person. You come across as both decent people but are struggling. (Otherwise, you won't be here asking for support/guidance on here, will you?) Having to go through those "vicious cycles" must be heart-wrenching.

How is she like otherwise? I don't mean to be rude or anything but men and women are different (brain-wise/culture-wise). We are bound to make adjustment throughout our marriage. You shouldn't be obsessed over small differences.

If you already have a fixed idea as to how she should behave, how she ought to respond or say, what she ought to do in certain situations etc then you are already asking for the chronic cycles of going through false hopes and disappointments.

Long-term therapy to work through your issues with your wife might help. In the meantime, I have sympathies for you and her. I also feel strongly that both men or women shouldn't expect the marriage to be all wonderful or there's "the one" who would make your life so complete etc. Marriage can be a great place for self-growth and spiritual journey together. But it also demands certain qualities (you previously did not have) for your marriage to last.
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Old 16th January 2014, 09:22 AM   #223
Roses
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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I think you have a fan Raymond
I'm a fan of your good self as well.......
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Old 16th January 2014, 09:58 AM   #224
chosen
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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I'm a fan of your good self as well.......
Are you sure Roses, I am rather more outspoken than Raymond.lol.

Last edited by chosen; 16th January 2014 at 11:16 AM.
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Old 16th January 2014, 11:02 AM   #225
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

My mum always said to look out for the quiet ones chosen , does this mean I must keep my eye on Raymond ??
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