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Old 8th January 2005, 05:34 AM   #1
Mad M
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Can anyone help? I just don't know what to do.

We've been a couple (more 'off' than 'on', in a relationship sense, not sexual), for 12 and a half years, the last five of which have been solid as a rock. We have two beautiful, wonderful kids, are lucky enough to own our home, and are set to get married at the end of April.

Sure, we've had stress, like anyoe else, money, jobs, our son's been quite ill, and now I'm quite ill, which they think is endometriosis. (If you haven't heard about it, it's a disease, not life-threatening, where the lining of the womb grows outside of the womb in other areas of the body, obviously causing some degree of pain, according to the severity of each case.)

Naturally, sex, has been a problem in the last year, but in the last couple of months, my fiancee has been going out to the pub more. Tonight is the fourth night he's not returned, and at 4.30am, I don't think he'll be back 'til the morning again. We have talked about the previous 3 occasions, especially as it has come out in conversations that he has an 'infatuation' with a girl from work. Apparently, she fancies him too, but nothing's been said, and nothing's happened.

In our somewhat checkered past of teenage years, we've both said and done some extremely nasty things to each other. I thought we had got past that, but now, I'm not so sure. The last time he stayed out, I asked him to leave, to which he said
1) I can't - you need me to look after you.
2) I haven't done anything wrong except get drunk and stay out
3) I won't leave until you ask me to go.

Am I being overdramatic? What can I do?
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Old 8th January 2005, 03:19 PM   #2
Kate
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Re: Can anyone help? I just don't know what to do.

Dear MadM

I'm not sure from what you've said whether you think that the sex issues are causing the problems or whether there is something else.
It may seem a strange question, but why are you getting married? By that I mean why now? You have been together for a long time and have started a family. Do you expect your relationship to change or stay the same? Do either of you see marriage as some how solving a problem or issue that you are avoiding confronting in your relationship? Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to disuade you from marrying but rather encouraging you both to reflect on and talk about the change it will bring.
A number of organisations run marriage preparation courses. Nowadays these recognise that many couples have been living together, but there are still things you need to think about as you prepare to make this major commitment to each other. I would suggest that you look at our area Preparing for married life, which has articles about the commitment you are about to make and the courses available.
You may be thinking, but my immediate problem is why he is going out and whether I can trust him. This is true, but your husband is unhappy about something and these resources may help you to bring out into the open what he is upset about and help you to find a way forward.
With best wishes
Kate
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Old 10th January 2005, 12:29 PM   #3
Mad M
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Re: Can anyone help? I just don't know what to do.

Thank you for your thoughts, they are very valid points that we have, as an individual and a couple, thought about.
When he came home in the morning, we did begin to talk about everything, and have established that although we do still want to remain together and marry, we have a lot of problems to discuss and hopefully solve.
I will check out that page, so thanks for that, and as long as we keep communicating and remain honest, I feel hopeful that we can rectify our breakdown in communications.
Many thanks,
M
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