How to move on

[Helen_uk]

It's always difficult to apply what we read to ourselves I guess....

I've read " Co-dependant no more " and it sent shivers down my spine. She was writing about me !

I think being single is key, you're right . Learning to realise your own self worth goes a long way to preventing getting entangled in toxic relationships. My last partner was addicted to porn , and I mean addicted in that I only had to be out of the room for literally seconds and he'd be on the computer looking at it . That eventually led to him meeting women and having affairs.

His behaviour was appalling but because of my low self esteem he always managed to convince me it was in some way my fault... It took me 3 years to see the light of day and end the relationship, and then only because he crossed the line and started having an affair with a young girl .

My first husband was a physical bully and my second husband a psychological one , both marriages did nothing to improve my mental and emotional state. I spent years going from one disastrous relationship to another .

I think you're making the right choice .

Yes staying strong is the key and not one that I always stick to.
He just won't give up contacting me, saying he misses me etc. In my weaker moments I start to think, does he really! Crazy, especially as I had just come from the Solicitor. I think it is just that connection, someone who is giving me some attention. When I am busy and out and about I do not think of him at all but when I am at home, on my own and he contacts me then it is all too easy to weaken.

[Chamomile]

Lynn

I think you care, that's partly why. There was some very old book, called "women who love too much". Perhaps, God gave women more capacity to love others like their husband, children, environment, deprived & poor etc. Many women set up Charities to save people who are in need. There are famous women in history who threw herself into a dire situation to help by putting her needs last. That kind of people. Maybe, you could channel your energy of love, into something worthwhile. Your h needs some heavy duty psychiatric help for his alcoholism, which can be very serious. If you are not getting a counselling, look for one as it will give you a lot of support to get through this.
You will be in my prayer.
xxxx

I think you are so right, it is very hard to not care when he seems so desperate. It is just not in my nature to be cold and uncaring but I do know that it is not me that he wants, he just wants what I have, a house, a companion that will care for all his needs, a mother for his unruley daughters, in other words there is very little in it for me, I am just a mother figure and as I have found out in the past, anyone will do.
I am just not prepared to give myself in this way anymore. I have so much to lose and nothing to gain.
I have decided that my caring nature needs to go out somewhere else in the world.
To other women and young girls that need a helping hand with all the knowledge that I have aquired along the way.
I cannot cut off all contact with my ex. but I have said no to him for the first time, I have told him that I have no trust and I do not want him back. I said that I was happy to be on my own and do you know, that for the first time in my life, I actually mean it. I am happy to be on my own.

How can you tell if someone is just manipulating you or is truely desperate?
He keeps contacting me and saying that he nothing to live for, he is lonely and cannot go on like this, asking me what I am doing etc. This week he is going to get the divorce petition and he does not even know. It is making me feel so bad, when I had been doing so well. I feel guilty for wanting to move on and he quite obviously does not. I know I am not responsible for him but I do care and that is the problem. If I don,t answer my phone he starts saying pathetic things like, " So your not talking to me anymore and please talk to me".
After a weekend of this I feel drained. It is like supporting my son.
How do I move on and let him take responsibility for his own life?

[chosen]

Lynn I thought you said you had a new phone where you could block his number? Why are you allowing him to contact you all the time like this?. There is a simple solution, block his number and he wont be able to manipulate you anymore. Please do it now, today.
He is manipulating you and doesnt like that you have finally stood up to his appalling behaviour where previously you enabled it. Dont let him treat you like this. If he really loved you he would never have had these numerous affairs, and kept on leaving you.
You can move on by having no contact with him.

[Helen_uk]

Hi Lynn,

You're feeling this way because you are basically a good person, and for decent people ignoring pleas goes against the grain.

After a lifetime of wanting to please people it's not easy to start to ignore someone who is begging. Especially when that someone is a person you care deeply for. Switching off feelings is never easy.

Regardless of your feelings for him though you have to consider whether or not this relationship was ever going to work. Were you ever going to be able to trust him, was he ever going to make you happy. It's not your job to protect him from himself. You're not his parent.....

Looking at it objectively, he's about to lose everything and regardless of the fact it's his own doing he isn't liking it. By everything I mean comfortable home and all the trappings as well as a woman who loved him. He isn't going to want to give all that up without a fight and will use every trick in the book to keep it.

If you've made your decision then you have to stand firm , block his number or at the very least delete texts unread. Don't read e-mails . Press reject when he rings.

If you find yourself wavering remind yourself of the times he's hurt you, the affairs he's had. Keep on reminding yourself you're worth more than that . Don't be an enabler of his games.

If he's threatening to harm himself then he needs psychiatric help .... but I think it's more than likely a bluff to get your attention and have you running back to him.

If you give in now then a few months down the line you'll find yourself in the same position, and it doesn't get any easier to deal with.

Be strong.

[Chamomile]

Originally Posted by Lynn

I am a new member and would like some help in trying to move on from a long and painful relationship.
We have been together 11 years and married for 3.
Only ever living together for 1 year at a time before he leaves, sometimes with other women the last few occasions

Judging from a range of issues which Lynn has been dealing with alone, I should think, probably, getting a counselling might be a way forward?

I'm not really sure but knowing Lynn and her h hardly lived together, divorce would be much easier to be had? I don't know you do seem to love this man deeply, Lynn. I really hope this man does love you as much as you do but somehow it is making me think he is just a user who would phone for you when he needs your help. Do you think he will help you when you need him?
I think, your love should be directed to someone who loves you back in a healthier relationship. When a man who contacts you whenever he needs you rescuing him...it isn't love.

Good luck xxx

Hi Lynn,

The minute I read your post I wonder as, Chosen said, why this phone number is not BLOCKED? All contact in future should be made ONLY through an attorney. If that is not possible than you must change the number. The other truth of this situation is that more women are injured, threatened, or even killed by a spouse or BF with exactly this scenario. It has to be OVER but when he continues to force contact that can be seriously threatnening. You are in a dangerous, never ending cycle of addiction to being used and punished with this man and from your childhood.

Any contact at all, even on the phone, tends to lead the other person to think the door is open, even if a little bit, and inflames the need to manipulate, control, make contact and that can be dangerous. It is also true there is a substance problem, as alcohol here, which fuels erratic thinking where this marriage is concerned.

There are groups as Al-Anon for families of an alcoholic to learn to deal with ones' own needs. It is often true that one who finds themselves in such a marriage may have been raised in a home where alcohol/abuse was problem. It starts from your own dependent need to be loved and needed. That is where you have to begin some serious analysis of this pattern and learn some self love.

I think often the alcoholic came from such a backgoround as well. He blew his last marriage and with children involved. Your own children , even older ones, need a whole, healthy, decent person around them and to know you are stable. Your own life sets an example for your children. He is none of the things you need as a stable partner. I don't know if you drink with him, but that is often the case. Alcohol is often shared in the marriage. This is a losing situation. In time by gaining some strength and understanding, you may find a loving person in your future. Time is wasting on what you already realize is a terrible relationship which depletes your own self-respect.

Lynn, please use care about your safety during this time as this situation is extemely combustible.
Common sense goes out the window when passions are inflamed with frustration, anger and hurt feelings.

Your kind and wise words are keeping me going at the moment.
I come onto this site to just re-read everything you have all said just to keep me strong.
Not sure if this makes me sound pathetic but I am afraid that is just how it is at the moment. Some days I feel really strong and know that I can do this other days I feel very low and I do not know which way to turn.

In answer to the question of do I also drink? the answer is no I am teetotal.
My phone number is my business number so I cannot change it and I do not have the facility to block his number. Apparantently new phones do not allow this anymore.
To be very honest I do think there is a part of me that does not want him to cut contact, this sounds crazy and I feel crazy for even acknowledging this.
All I can do is try little steps every day in moving forward, I do have some family that give me support but I do know that everyone is tired of the situation.
I need healthy distractions until I am completely over this and can breath a huge sigh of relief.
Thank you all for your support x

[chosen]

Lynn if you really cannot change your number, then please make sure that when he texts you delete it immediatly and dont read it. I know that it wont be easy but its the best thing for you, and he will soon get the message.

Lynn...

I do think the heart moves slower than the head with women. We get it that it is best over. It takes a long time and almost like a surgical procedure to cut out the piece still in the heart we can have for a man. Women are nest builders and mothers who offer all those capacities to our men. When they fall down we are like mother to urge and help them up. You have carried the man a long time.

If our child does not carry out the trash (his assigned chore) and we then do it for him, he cannot learn responsibility. If we make excuses for a man locked into immaturity and carry the load, than we are the mother figure. That man makes less effort to be competent knowing we will fill in where he fails. Nurturing our loved one is a good thing but it must have give and take. You gave too much, asked too little.

You will need time to heal and you must break clean the bonds between you. Yes, that is clear co-dependency when you still wish he might call.
It is not fun to be lonely therefore you must fill the void with positive activities. There are things you can do for yourself. Take some long walks, stay in touch with friends, develop a hobby where he filled your time. You are used to the DRAMA of the bad times. Now you need to find something to replace that bad feeling all the time. You need a pursuit that is good for you body and soul.

[Helen_uk]

1aokgal makes a really good point. The last few years have been full of drama , that can become addictive and indeed becomes a way of life.

It's perhaps now time to break free of that and put some good things in your life....

[Chamomile]

Originally Posted by 1aokgal

If our child does not carry out the trash (his assigned chore) and we then do it for him, he cannot learn responsibility. If we make excuses for a man locked into immaturity and carry the load, than we are the mother figure. That man makes less effort to be competent knowing we will fill in where he fails. Nurturing our loved one is a good thing but it must have give and take. You gave too much, asked too little.

You will need time to heal and you must break clean the bonds between you. Yes, that is clear co-dependency when you still wish he might call.
It is not fun to be lonely therfore you must fill the void with positive activities. There are things you can do for yourself. Take some long walks, stay in touch with friends, develop a hobby where he filled your time. You are used to the DRAMA of the bad times. Now you need to find something to replace that bad feeling all the time. You need a pursuit that is good for you body and soul.

Hi 1aokgal

You are resoundingly so right about women behaving like some "mother figure". I should keep reminding myself of what you said in your words of wisdom.
Lynne, what do you do for a living? You sound like a very independent woman. I did wonder if you don't particularly need or want a decent husband as you are so competent and self-reliant on your own most of the time? On the other hand, it did cross my mind if you do not want a lovely husband because anyone decent may naturally expect you to share a far more consistent relationship than your present one? In other words, I wondered if you may be scared of having that sort of commitment required by a more "normal" relationship because your work commitment?

It's not clear about what you actually want if you no longer have this current, dysfunctional relationship. Are you excited about the prospect of finding a more rewarding relationship or your work is taking up much of your life and you are not too bothered re. having a proper relationship? It seems being alone all the time doesn't seem bother you that much?

xxx

I own and run a Landscaping/Garden maintenance company and yes it takes up a great deal of my time but in the last 6 months I have cut back my hours doing the manual work so I am at home, albeit, working at home for 3 days a week. My work is my life and I truely love my job, I love all my customers and I enjoy and relish my time in gardens. I grow plants for my company and nothing in the world makes me as happy as when I am alone in my greenhouse with my plants, ( except playing with my grand-daughter), but you get the picture? Plants and nature are my passion as is my dog, Bernie the St Bernard.
I love being on my own now and I do not need a relationship of any kind but it would be nice. I am totally independant, financially and otherwise.
I have built up this business on my own having left the NHS, having a secure job and pension and took a risk and went with my heart.
So this is the other side to me, strong and independant. I don't stand for any nonsense from customers or staff but in the relationship with my ex. as I have told, it is another story entirely. I am weak and so easily manipulated but I am aware now which is a huge step forward.
I have, until recently not been able to see what others could and now it is about me trying to move forward, stay strong and not give in to manipulative behaviour and believe that I am worth so much more.