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Old 10th May 2009, 06:20 AM   #11
Ageing Grace
Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 738
Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

I've often thought (and said, to widespread opprobium ... ) that marriage broking is the right idea!

An arranged marriage, ideally, brings together a couple who are matched in all the crucial areas - such as background, ambitions, intelligence & education, appearance and values.

Sadly, arranged marriages have become an article of faith in most of the cultures that still use them, opening the door to spousal abuse and worse. The outstanding exception to this is in jewish circles, where matchmakers are routinely employed with impressive results.

The general idea is as follows:
[1] It's better to be married than not. You live longer, gain financial advantages, and have a more secure social life;
[2] That being so, you should find a marriage partner who is well-matched with you;
[3] Being well-matched and mutually committed to the advantages of your marriage, you will naturally respect and take good care of your partner.

In a nutshell, that's love

Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
If you didn't have the feelings to start with you are in a great position to get it right by just cultivating a practical, caring and yes a sexual love for her.
We live in a peculiar age, where we're bombarded with ideals of perfect love and of instant gratification. The two are almost incompatible.

I say "almost" because I do believe in perfect love. It's very rare, though.

Buddha spoke of god sitting on top of a high mountain, slicing oranges in half and letting them roll down the mountain sides. That's half an orange for every person on the planet. I think the probability of finding your other half (in this life: if you're a buddhist, you can keep trying!) is so miniscule, you'd be a perfect idiot to pin all your hopes on it.

You stand a better chance of winning an accumulator bet on the Grand National, in predicted weather conditions, with the proviso that you also win the Lottery jackpot the same day! Mind you, if you do find your 'other half', you feel like you have won it

Back in the real world, we muddle along as best we can. We have a problem with partners who, taking a consumerist view of love, believe they deserve and must have 'perfect love'. It's a bummer but what can you do?

Torn and Andrew, above, seem to have contrasting difficulties in that one of them seems to have a wife who expects the ideal and the other seems to be pining for the ideal.

When you're the spouse whose partner wants 'better', I'm afraid there's little you can do. When you're the one wanting 'more' ... go put that bet on. Leave your marriage when you get the phone call from the bookie

(Usual caveats about abusive marriages, of course. If your partner does not, cannot, or will not, respect AND take good care of you - they're a bad partner. End of.)

Oops, I've rambled
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