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Old 2nd April 2014, 03:45 PM   #1
heartbroken7
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 4
He has already left the marriage

I dont even know where to begin, I have been married for for 4 years. Over the past year the arguments are non stop in fact they are getting worst. After we got married my husband stopped being affectionate.He started treating me as if I do not exist. I have tried to talk to him to ask what has changed and he has pretty much told me that he doesnt see the need to do what he was doing before he married me. I tried to understand where he was coming from but at the same time I tried to point out to him that because of what he was doing is the reason I married him.
Well, things have gotten severe, he still hasnt changed or tried to make things better, he has become so cold hearted towards me I am just in shock as to why he would marry me and then pretty much leave the marriage.
Since the last 4 months we have not been sexually active at all. Ive spoken to him about it and he just completely belittle the situation. It may come off as petty, but I dont want to be in an affectionless, sexless marriage. I feel as though I mean nothing to him. He makes financial decisions without me even knowing, when I do find out it wasnt even a big deal to begin with as to why he couldnt tell me, but I just cannot understand why he would do things and not include me its like we are roomates.
Well about 3 weeks ago, I brought up the topic again and I suggested we do date nights at least. He is going to look at me and tell me he feels trapped and he is stressed so he doesnt want me to bother him. Eventually the situation got to a point where I just broke down for the first time and I started yelling at him trying to find out why would he marry me if he didnt want to go the full mile.He then tried to walk out of the house, I grabbed him, because I just wanted him to listen, then He punched me on my hand, to let him go, I turned around and slapped him in his face for putting his hands on me.
I wasnt hurt but out of frustration I hit him. I know I was wrong I apologized but he didnt apologize for hitting me ..He turned the situation into me being aggressive and abusive. Now he has completely given me the silent treatment and honestly all I want is for my husband to want me. I just feel like the flame died out too soon, I ignored it for a little bit because at first we were having financial problems, but now I feel like things have gotten worst and he just wants to ignore me and do him, go out with his friends all the time and come in early mornings and not having to think about going home to his wife. This all started since I brought up the topic of date nights, normally he would be home sleeping or watching tv.

Well, now he wants a divorce because I hit him, and he is stating that the way he felt, he would have hurt me really badly so he wants to leave before we physically hurt each other. Its just crazy how for a year I have been trying to reach out to him to fix an issue and now that it escalated he is quick to run out. I feel like he just wanted out from the day he stopped being affectionate. I dont think he is cheating. WE lost alot of money at the beginning of the marriage and he is still stressing about it, but at the end of the day he shouldnt take it out on me. I dont know if I should seek professional help or just give him what he wants.. I am really confused at this point... Ive tried to not be nagging and to give it time but a year ??!! I think Ive been patient enough for him to try to improve, It really would suck to know that because of money our relationship failed.
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Old 2nd April 2014, 06:53 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: He has already left the marriage

I dont think that you can sort this out without some outside help to be honest. Why not ask him if he will go to counselling with you?
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Old 3rd April 2014, 12:00 PM   #3
ronnoco
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Re: He has already left the marriage

Hello,

Sorry for the trouble you are going through. Your obviously reached your tipping point when you grabbed him out of pure frustration. I don't think he should have hit you and I don't think you should have hit him but what's done is done - I think him saying he wants a divorce because you hit him is to be taken with a pinch of salt, this is not the real reason.

Something is seriously wrong here and this is not going to be easy to fix as Chosen said.

I can think of 2 possibilities that might explain your husbands behavior.

1.) Your husband may feel trapped and frustrated with life. For some people, marriage is often like what I like to call the "Disney Land Experience" - it's all very exciting doing all the planning, buying the outfits, having a lovely wedding, party, honeymoon, etc but when that's gone - some people are left on this big low thinking "what now - where is my life going?" - I've seen this first hand. It's more common with women though in that they find someone, move in, get married, have kids or basically do things in a certain order then sometimes start thinking the above.

2.) It's very odd for a man to be in a sexless marriage and your husbands extremely cold behavior towards you is that of someone who attention could be somewhere else. I hope you husband isn't cheating on you, I really do but my gut instinct says he may well be. The way he is treating you is awful, like you say - like room mates who actually don't want to live together. He is trying to justify a divorce on a relatively minor thing and basically trying to turn things around to make it seem like you are the problem.

Have you noticed any difference in his behavior. Is he often on his phone or cagey about you seeing it? Is he often on the computer?, does he have female work colleagues, does he stay out late - are you seeing any red flags basically?
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Old 3rd April 2014, 01:03 PM   #4
Raymond
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Re: He has already left the marriage

Seems to me that there wasn't any love in the mariage to start with HB.

He may have been good at dating and making a conquest of you but it is a lot more than that as I am sure you know. His number one priority should be to love you, not only with his feelings that may come and go, but with a deeper practical love from his will as well.

It seems to me he has to learn to be a husband and is failing miserably. There is nothing you can do to force it. You must feel terribly unloved.

I would act civil and do your best to love him but if he never returns that love the marriage will collapse. It may be best to let him go if he is talking about divorce. Sometimes the high of romance and dating can cover the reality of somebody's real character.
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Old 3rd April 2014, 01:40 PM   #5
ronnoco
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Re: He has already left the marriage

Something I read online was "people never change - the just reveal themselves"

I think this can often be true. I think some people live life wearing a mask, doing things to please people or doing things because they feel this is what they should be doing.

Deep down, this people aren't happy and eventually, the cracks show.
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Old 3rd April 2014, 04:16 PM   #6
heartbroken7
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Re: He has already left the marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by ronnoco View Post
Hello,

Sorry for the trouble you are going through. Your obviously reached your tipping point when you grabbed him out of pure frustration. I don't think he should have hit you and I don't think you should have hit him but what's done is done - I think him saying he wants a divorce because you hit him is to be taken with a pinch of salt, this is not the real reason.

Something is seriously wrong here and this is not going to be easy to fix as Chosen said.

I can think of 2 possibilities that might explain your husbands behavior.

1.) Your husband may feel trapped and frustrated with life. For some people, marriage is often like what I like to call the "Disney Land Experience" - it's all very exciting doing all the planning, buying the outfits, having a lovely wedding, party, honeymoon, etc but when that's gone - some people are left on this big low thinking "what now - where is my life going?" - I've seen this first hand. It's more common with women though in that they find someone, move in, get married, have kids or basically do things in a certain order then sometimes start thinking the above.

2.) It's very odd for a man to be in a sexless marriage and your husbands extremely cold behavior towards you is that of someone who attention could be somewhere else. I hope you husband isn't cheating on you, I really do but my gut instinct says he may well be. The way he is treating you is awful, like you say - like room mates who actually don't want to live together. He is trying to justify a divorce on a relatively minor thing and basically trying to turn things around to make it seem like you are the problem.

Have you noticed any difference in his behavior. Is he often on his phone or cagey about you seeing it? Is he often on the computer?, does he have female work colleagues, does he stay out late - are you seeing any red flags basically?




Hi, see thats the thing I dont really see any red flags that point to cheating, I dont feel that way. I do know its mostly about financial problems in the past that set him back. He did say he wanted to buy a house and was not able to we may have to wait 2 more years. But, I find it odd that he would make these things destroy the marriage.. He is also older than me so he seems to be in a rush to get certain things established. Personally I dont see where things are as bad as he is making it out to be. But, I dont even know if I want to stay and hope he accomplishes all he wants in order for him to treat me well, see how that sounds.. Wrong.. its like he feels he has to love me with things in order for him to feel better about himself. I did try to talk to me this morning actually and he did admit it is something internal that he has to work on, I just dont see any light at the end of the tunnel tho... Im just so confused..
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Old 3rd April 2014, 04:20 PM   #7
heartbroken7
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 4
Re: He has already left the marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by ronnoco View Post
Something I read online was "people never change - the just reveal themselves"

I think this can often be true. I think some people live life wearing a mask, doing things to please people or doing things because they feel this is what they should be doing.

Deep down, this people aren't happy and eventually, the cracks show.

This is exactly what has crossed my mind. He is a planner and if things dont work out how he thinks they should be, he is mad at the world. Im just having a hard time getting him to see that I am not the enemy, I am not the reason things dont go according to plan sometimes. I am not even the type of person who sweats about money and material things, so I dont understand why he feels insecure because we are a little tight on the finance side.
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Old 3rd April 2014, 04:23 PM   #8
heartbroken7
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 4
Re: He has already left the marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
Seems to me that there wasn't any love in the mariage to start with HB.

He may have been good at dating and making a conquest of you but it is a lot more than that as I am sure you know. His number one priority should be to love you, not only with his feelings that may come and go, but with a deeper practical love from his will as well.

It seems to me he has to learn to be a husband and is failing miserably. There is nothing you can do to force it. You must feel terribly unloved.

I would act civil and do your best to love him but if he never returns that love the marriage will collapse. It may be best to let him go if he is talking about divorce. Sometimes the high of romance and dating can cover the reality of somebody's real character.

Thnx for your advice, I really appreciate it because I felt like I was against the wall. Ill try being civil and see how it goes
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Old 3rd April 2014, 04:41 PM   #9
chosen
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Re: He has already left the marriage

How about that marriage counselling?
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Old 3rd April 2014, 05:46 PM   #10
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: He has already left the marriage

Love shouldn't have to depend on when we get a house or when we get this. That is depending on the feelings you will get when you get something you want. Part of the proof of love is loving when things aren't going right.

At least he has admitted that he has a problem. That is something. It remains to be seen if it will lead to him being a loving husband. People can change but it does take unselfishness. Surely we should be able to love our spouses if we married them. That shouldn't be a bridge too far. If he has a problem there will be answers if he wants them.
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