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Old 16th March 2016, 09:38 PM   #1
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 4
Mother in law crossing boundaries- Help needed

Hello everyone,

I have been having difficulty with my mother in law since the time we got married about 2 years ago, and I would appreciate any advice on how to deal with this. My mother in law, buys us tons of foods (veggies, fruits, random household items) on sale and gives to my hubby when he visits her every weekend. Not only that, she cooks enough dinners for 5 days and gives them to my hubby to take home. This has been going on since the beginning of our marriage.

Now, I want to cook for my hubby, buy our household things ourselves, and essentially build our own little cozy nest for my hubby and me, our own little world. It is really hard to do with my mother in law sending tons of stuff every darn Sunday!!

First of all, is this even something you would consider normal? I have tried talking to my husband many times about this, but it he isn't very receptive about my objection. He thinks that since his mother uses coupons and buys things on super sale, it is good for us that she is saving money. But, honestly, my hubby and I are in our late 30s, and I think we need space from his mother, to form our own shopping routines and see what methods work best for our weekly schedules and needs.

In addition, I strongly object to his mom sending us cooked food enough for 5 dinners! I feel that by doing this she is really crossing boundaries. As a couple, I want us to have our own little traditions and customs, little things that happen when you grow and share life together as a couple. For example, have special sunday night meal menu. Or a little something special to surprise him during the week. How is that possible if he always feels obliged to eat his mom's food?

We have had several arguments over this. Last Sunday, my hubby was really busy, and told his mom that he would be unable to visit her and that she shouldn't worry about food etc. And guess what she did! She drove all the way in pouring rain to us with 5 cooked dinners for the week! I want to cook for my own family and want my husband to eat it! My husband does like my food and I have been complimented by his friends as well.

My husband makes sure to eat his mom's food when she brings, and which she does without fail. Its been 2 years! Im frustrated. How do I enforce some boundaries.

Greatful for all or any advice from you all,

Goodlife1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th March 2016, 10:26 PM   #2
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Mother in law crossing boundaries- Help needed

She certainly seems to be interfering in your marriage. Either it is some form of subtle control over your husband or she has a deep need and needs to please for her own sense of meaning.

However help has to be given where needed and not to meet the needs of the giver. I think she needs to be told this gently putting over the points clearly that you have described. If the response is anger then you know it is control although a response of poor old me can still be control in a different way. I think it ought to be done gently with the aim of getting the relationship on the right footing, one on more of an honest footing and not one where you are putting up with it because of a fear of offending. Your marriage is your marriage and not hers as your family is it's own entity. Faithful are the wounds of a friend if it is done in love and honesty.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th March 2016, 05:08 AM   #3
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Mother in law crossing boundaries- Help needed

This isnt appropriate and your husband need to gently but firmly tell her to stop. Maybe she really thinks she is helping you out or maybe she cant relinquish control over her son, but she needs to be told not to do it any more. If he refuses then you will need to do it, but it will be best if you are united on this.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd March 2016, 06:07 PM   #4
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Re: Mother in law crossing boundaries- Help needed

I think you really need to sit down and talk this out with her, not him. I understand that he doesn't want to be disrespectful to his mother but it seems to be overwhelming. I know I would be if I was in that situation. Your husband seems to be very easy going and doesn't want to disappoint anyone, yet he doesn't see that he is disappointing his wife. (My husband does the same thing).

From your story, it seems that either she has control/boundary issues Like Raymond said, and/or maybe she feels that you as a wife cannot provide that for him so she feels that she is helping. Either way, YOU need to talk to her, not your husband, to try to clear things up and ultimately be happy in your marriage.
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boundaries, crossing boundaries, mother in law, space

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