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Old 20th September 2011, 05:36 PM   #1
lovingfatherandhusband
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Wife wants "space" and is moving out

Hi,
I'm new here. To give a little background on everything I'll start with when my wife and I met. We met 7-7-07 (lucky huh?), and we have been married for 2 years coming this monday (9/26). Every since the beginning i have told her that i am not an affectionate guy... she understood and accepted it. We had a great sex life, but as expected it tapered off after we got married. She always gave me everything, love, affection, head rubs, back rubs, everything... i didn't do nearly as much for her. I knew she deserved more, but i just wasn't that guy and she knew it. After our first year of marriage we decided we wanted to adopt a baby, because I can't have them. We have a 5 month old baby girl who i adore so ridiculously much. she is my life and that is partially why i am so tore up about this situation. Just before my wife went back to work she begged and cried and pleaded me not to make her go back, she wanted to be a stay at home mom and i told her we just couldn't afford it because we wanted to adopt more kids and it isn't cheap. Well just before she started back an opportunity for a promotion arose and i made her apply for it because i knew how much she used to want to move up. She ended up getting it... 2 months ago is when she got the promotion. Since then she has been consumed with work (rightfully so because she is learning now and the boss), but we never see each other and when we did i had a bad attitude. I admit i have not been that great... last week she told me she couldn't take it anymore because she has been depressed and it is causing her heart to hurt. She has a heart condition... and added stress makes it very difficult on her (pace maker). Of course when she told me this, i freaked out and tried to go over the top and make it instantly better by giving her everything she wanted and more... she got irritated with this because she said this was being fake. She told me to just give her space... which i couldn't emotionally do i tried and tried but kept failing. all week i was smothering her and i was on an emotional rollercoaster. I at one point got mad at her because our sex life was nothing like it used to be(non existant). On top of that this past friday i checked our bank account and noticed she had been putting $300 extra into her account so i freaked out and checked her account. I had to change the password to see it, but i didn't find anything (thankfully). Whenever saturday and sunday came around she agreed to go to marriage counseling with me... sunday night she found out i changed her password. That pushed her over the edge... monday night she told me she wasn't going to counseling and she was moving out. That i hurt her too much.... WHAT DO I DO??!! I don't want to lose her not just because our baby girl, but because i love her so much and see now what i need to do to fix it. In other's experiences is there hope of us making it work still? Even if she can't see that i'm taking the steps to change my ways? I am still going to go to counseling and she knows that. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
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Old 20th September 2011, 07:51 PM   #2
1aokgal
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

Dear Loving..

Welcome to the site. Can you please paragraph space your letters for ease to read. Your marriage has been in serious trouble for a long time but you failed to see the signs. I wonder why you would tell your new wife "you weren't an affectionate guy?" She did all the pleasant stuff while you held yourself in check. Why?

Did you view being a giving person as a weakness? So you controlled the climate of the relationship in the affection and sex department. Then you decided she had to work when she wanted to stay home and be a mother. Working part time wasn't an option? So she got the job you pressed her to have. The problem then was you felt she is consumed with work and has little time. When she has some time you have a bad attitude! No wonder the sex went downhill! Resentment can make intimacy impossible for some. You then manipulated her to apply for the promotion. That meant more stress and work for her. So she tried to do the best she can to help financially.

It seems she has stress on every part of her life work and home, and with a pacemaker, she is not the healthiest one. So she now rebels that you dictate how everything should be done. I can imagaine how disappointed she must have been to hear you say you are not the most affectionate one with the new wife! You don't seem to know how to give of yourself to the woman you love. Was your father cold and aloof? It seems she gave, and you took. She was the one who put herself out there. When efforts go unrewarded those efforts stop!

She got very little appreciation or return on anything. I might also mention she gave up the chance to be a biological mother. While an adopted child is a wonderful thing, most woman desire to have their own child. So that is a huge loss to a young woman. Had other things in the marriage been very good, then there might have been balance. The control you exert is not something an intellligent woman will tolerate for long. Let us say if a balance sheet was prepared of her investment in the marriage and yours...your end would be very short.

You did not mention your work or how that enters in the finances of the household? You decided she had to work. That does make her a full partner there or it should. I wonder who cares for the child while she works full time? Since this child was so desired, it would seem she would have a chance to shape and form that child ..perhaps work part time. Then you mentioned more adopted children. Is she supposed to work full time with other children? Then with her bad heart and the fact it costs more to raise more children she will be trapped and unhealthy and at risk. That is an unwise life plan and I don't think she had a say in it. It seems she had no say in any decisions.

The last straw was that you think you have the right to go into her bank account to even change the password on money she earned! That makes me wonder what country you might live, as she isn't being treated either as a partner nor to have basic personal rights to the money she earned. Frankly, no amount of marital counselling might get it across you have been a bully in this marriage!

I think you must see some of the pattern set here. You are honest enough to write things as they occurred. When you look back perhaps you see the basic problem might be in you. There seems huge insecurity. You seem unable to trust enough to give of yourself. Then there is that control issue. She was young and loved you, so she let you roll over her on all these issues.

After she was out there in the workforce she realized she has a right to be a partner. She saw what she gave up and she wants no more of it. So how can you regain the love lost here? Maybe you start with a huge apology for these issues. You can't go backward but maybe you can go forward. Plan no more children. You need to make a try so you might have a chance to salvage the marriage for this child.

You have a priority, it seems to me, to secure a better job so she can work less hours and spend time with this child. A woman with a Pacemaker doesn't need to consider more children. She needs a less stressful life to stay healthy. She doesn't need more burden on a fragile heart. This lady should not have to protect herself from one who pulls her strings like a puppet master either. You might think how you can protect and give her a decent life and respect her rights. I understand the heart situation as I have the problem. My husband works many hours overtime and tries to keep me from exertion or upset. Sometimes he keeps things to himself that might be a worry.

If you are to salvage this marriage you have to start from scratch. You should be able to see where things went wrong. I hope you can sit down with her and talk. You owe her a changed man to begin to build a life of trust and love. Perhaps if she sees you consider her thoughts and feelings she might hear you out. I hope you get another chance. It was a positive sign she was willing to go to counselling until that final issue blew this up. See if you can talk with her and make it calm and tell her how you feel.

You asked whether there was hope to change things. I think you can change things. You have a lot of personal work to understand what makes you tick and how that affected the marriage.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 21st September 2011 at 12:02 AM.
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Old 20th September 2011, 10:19 PM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

I think 1okgal has nailed it. It reminds me of my wife when we were first married.

She was starved of hugs and touch because I wasn't that type. That was her love language however and when I learned that it became part of me. Never say never. If that is her need you can learn it. That is part of love. Read the Five languages of Love by Dr Chapman.

She also couldn't face leaving her baby when it arrived. Personally I would have loved her to keep on working as I felt financially vulnerable. However I sensed that that was wrong and her calling was to be a full time mother. She has done an amazing job and the children have grown up with all the love and nurture a mother can give and have turned out stable and fine. I never regret that. Financially we survived and now we even prosper. I thank God that I was able to make the right decisions at that time.
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Old 21st September 2011, 03:13 AM   #4
lovingfatherandhusband
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

As much as I appreciate you responding to me, I came to this forum for help not to be bashed. I have Shown her love and showed affection just not tons like she wanted. As far as me making more money so she doesn't have to work as much, I make enough money, yes more than her. her working was to help us adopt our second child then she was going to stop working. The reason I pushed her was because I didn't want her to regret it in the future because that is all she has ever talked about when we got together, being a manager. We did talk about her other options and I was okay with them as was she. You make it sound as if I am a creep who controls her every choice. That is not the case, we always tasked things through and made a decision on things together. Even the work she agreed on.she loves the position now. Apparently, there were some things we didn't talk about or we wouldn't be here.

And thank you for making me feel less of a man because when I was little the ability of having children was taken from me, I told her up front about this and she was always on board. With her heart we didn't even know if she would bee able to bear child without causing her major problems.

Yes I have some issues I need to work on, which I am. I have trusted her unconditionally since we have been together, but last week I lost it because I thought I was losing my everything. I didn't know where this was coming from so Iimmediately gravitated towards cheating . When I saw our account and how she was not being honest when I was I didn't know what was going on. Yes I should've just asked her, but I screwed up and didn't.

I am so lost and confused right now on where this is coming from . How do I give her space while stilll showing her I am changing. I can't grasp how she can tell me she loves me and loves our child and not even give an attempt. Yes she may have been attempting for awhile without me seeing it, but now I am aware, let me have a chance to fix it.


In the future please have less negative responses, I understand you are trying to put your point of view out there as I asked, but less personal attacks please. Thank you.
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Old 21st September 2011, 05:17 AM   #5
1aokgal
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

Dear Loving..

In no way were you "bashed " or should you feel less of a man by what was said here. Perhaps your sensitive feelings have something to do with the issues in the marriage? I can imagine you are pretty raw right now but I try to address what you said about these events. That is what would be discussed in counselling. Perhaps this subliminal feeling you have has a lot to do with your need to control in the marriage?

My husband knew before he married me he would never father a child if he married me. I had children and at 35 had a tubal ligation by choice. He is the eldest son of German parents.They are big on family, so that would be an issue here if it was not agreed in advance. Your wife knew the situation as my husband did. You interpret what I said and then you jumped right in to say you felt less manhood. That may be one of the issues for you. Perhaps that feeling explains some of the control or dominance in decisions which did not respect anothers rights as a partner.

If that is the subliminal feeling you have, this could mean you reacted to be less giving and pulled inward and showed less affection. We are also very much influenced about how we were raised. Some men think it is a weakness to show loving gestures. If your parents were not openly affectionate maybe that is the love style you learned. Did you feel it wasn't possible to give of yourself? I think you came to this site to hear truth? Neither I, nor anyone, wants to beat up on someone who came in faith to seek help and admits mistakes. Perhaps some of these suggestions might be helpful to you.

I thought a few times my husband might have some regret on not having his own kid. He laughs when I asked him and said this daughter he loves and raised is as much his as could be. It is not the seed that counts so much as the input of all the wealth put into the child that makes the parent. My daughter met her real dad years later (she hadn't seen him since age 4). He didn't keep in touch or pay support. She travelled to meet him and spent some vacation time with him as an adult. She asked me what I ever saw in that guy! That is because she loves the dad who has always been there for her. He has been a super dad to her. We are married 31 years, October.

I think it shows a great love to make that choice as he did, and your wife made as well. I would think a man would feel more of a man that a woman loves him that much. People who love each other can sure say and do a lot of stupid things. I sincerely hope you can keep calm and let her know how much you regret some things. This is right now all fire and thunder. When a woman sits to think alone she can see all the positive things and not just the problems. That's where that "space" comes into it.

Perhaps your marriage can be salvaged if you will go deep into some of these issues. Have you been able to sit down with her and talk at all? Perhaps you can call her and suggest you meet in a neutral place just for coffee. Why don't you ask her what you can do to change how she feels. Maybe she will tell you what can be done and you can get her to agree to go to counselling.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 21st September 2011 at 05:21 PM.
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Old 21st September 2011, 12:52 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

I see here a woman who was begging and pleading (your words LFH) to be allowed home to look after the baby. Now she is at work (you said that this is what she wants) under a lot of pressure with a heart problem as well. You now have the money but at what cost? It is understandable how the intimacy times have dropped and you have less time together as well. Do not the problems emanate from this? She is not a machine. I do wonder whether the right decision has been made by you both and whether she would not be happier under less pressure having time to look after the baby and be more amenable to you. I don't think you can have your cake and eat it.
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Old 21st September 2011, 04:22 PM   #7
lovingfatherandhusband
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

1aok..

I apologize if I took it wrong. I am "raw" right now. My emotions are flowing all over the place, one minute I'm sad the next I am mad. I went to our marriage counseling without her yesterday because she said she can't go with me. She is exhausted from talking and needs space. The session was pretty uneventful, the typical getting the background information and that is about it. It makes it hard to figure out what is wrong with a relationship when only one of the people are there to tell their side of it. Especially because I am not the one that has the majority of the issues with the other. I can only take the issues that I am aware of and address them, which I am not afraid to do.

As far as her moving out, she is still living at home, but looking for a new place. Last night after my session I got home and she asked me about it so I told her what took place and how the therapist didn't really take my side nor disagree with me. She just said it was good that I realized there was a problem with things I am doing wrong.

I told my wife that I wanted to talk about our daughter because I wanted to get it out of the way, she had brought it up earlier. It went alright, not the best topic to be discussing... how to handle spending time with her . The conversation was good, the topic bad... we agreed on a lot. It hurts to know that she has already looked into the state law on custody. On top of her already talking to me about "custody" she wanted to talk finances. This friday she wants our accounts to be split. She wants to have her money and I have my money. The problem with that is, is that yes I make more but I get $1000 out of my check each month for daycare plus I am paying for our daughter's insurance which is about another $150. I will be left with one car payment, the house payment & utilities, and any other expenses for our daughter. While she is saying she is going to be getting a $1000/mo apartment. Can you shed some light on this? Is this a typical reaction for a woman or is it an extreme reaction for her? Is she trying to show me this is real and if I don't take it as real it will be over? I sure do feel like it is over.

I went to her this morning and talked to her. I told her that I have to talk to her about something because it involves our daughter. Previously my wife said she is doing this for herself and for our daughter. I told her I was trying to keep us together because I love you and I know you love me, not because of our daughter. I then proceeded to tell her that I gave it a lot of thought last night and I have to think of our daughter too. I said that no matter how we slice it, a separation is not good for her. I have never brought our daughter into this once, but I wanted my wife to take a step back and really think about what is going to happen. I wanted to her to give marriage counseling a shot, even if only for our daughter. We brought her into this mess and we need to let her know that we tried everything. And that if we go it will possibly allow us to get a better perspective on each other's needs and views of the situation. Even if we don't stay together it will be better for our daughter and our separation. She responded with, "I just can't right now, but I will for "L" just not right now. " Right now I take that as her just saying what it takes to get me to drop it. What do you think? Is she serious? When can I ask her again to go, after she moves out for a week?

Last night we discussed me moving out until she found a place. I told her this morning I thought it through last night and I really don't think it the best situation for our daughter. She responded with "I never asked you to move out. " I know she is saying that meaning she said she was moving out. She said she doesn't care if I stay at the house, she just wants me to make sure I give her space. How do I give her "space" in that situation, but still be involved in my daughter's life? If I show her that I can give her space is do you think she will possibly change her mind about moving out?

Something I am very scared of is her family. They are very supported, but I am afraid it isn't the support she needs (maybe just not the support that I want her to have). They said they will support whatever the decision she makes which is normal, but my parents told me "you fix this, you make it work". I know different parenting styles and they know I want to stay together, but they also know a 5 month old is a part of it and the decisions seem so "reactive" instead of thought through. Another thing about her parents support is that she won't realize how much we provide for each other because her parents will give her money any time she needs it. I don't want her to struggle don't get me wrong, but I want to not live a lie. I want my daughter to have everything and I will give her everything, but she doesn't need that expensive apartment or to even move out.

I'm sorry if my thoughts are jumbled, but I have a lot going through my head.

Thanks for the help so far and sorry for the "reactive" response. Emotions were high.
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Old 21st September 2011, 04:25 PM   #8
lovingfatherandhusband
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

My issue now with this is that I realize this, but how do I convince her of this when she won't talk to me about it. She is only open to talking about our daughter. I really feel that a lot has happened over the past year.. the stresses of an adoption process where you open yourself up to be looked at under a microscope, getting our daughter, our daughter being in the NICU for 18 days, coming home adjusting to the change, when going back to work immediately starting a new position, and on top of it me not being supportive. I know all of this, but is it wrong for me to want time to address the issues I am clearly aware of now? Or to give us time to adjust to all these new changes???

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
I see here a woman who was begging and pleading (your words LFH) to be allowed home to look after the baby. Now she is at work (you said that this is what she wants) under a lot of pressure with a heart problem as well. You now have the money but at what cost? It is understandable how the intimacy times have dropped and you have less time together as well. Do not the problems emanate from this? She is not a machine. I do wonder whether the right decision has been made by you both and whether she would not be happier under less pressure having time to look after the baby and be more amenable to you. I don't think you can have your cake and eat it.
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Old 21st September 2011, 04:36 PM   #9
Helen_uk
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

Loving,

This not a personal attack , but it seems to me there has been quite a lot of your wife going along with the way you want to do things for a while and now she's made a decision for herself that she wants some space to think things through .

Whilst it isn't wrong of you to want to address the issues , your wife has given you a clear indication that she needs some space to process her thoughts and feelings and I'm afraid you are going to have to bite the bullet and give her the time she's asking for.

It sounds like the last few months have been stressful and it may be she's feeling overwhelmed by all that's happened . If you don't allow her time and space to sort things out I fear she may make things permanent .

I also feel- and this is a purely personal opinion so don't be offended- that adopting a second baby so soon after a first would put your wife ( and yourself ) under a great deal of stress , both emotionally and financially.
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Old 21st September 2011, 05:41 PM   #10
lovingfatherandhusband
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

Helen,
Thank you and I am not offended. I agree that especially now us adopting a second child if (still hoping so I can't fully say when) we make it through this. I think you are right on the space and I am doing so much to prevent myself from smother her again. I have resorted to writing my thoughts down on paper every time I want to talk to her. It helps a little, but it is still very difficult to not pick up the phone and give her a call or when she gets home beg and plead to take me back and go to counseling with me. I know I have overstepped in many ways in our relationship and that this is one time I have to as you said "bite the bullet". I hope and pray she at least gives counseling a try. I really wish I would've seen this coming before so I could've tried to fix it... but I didn't.
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Old 21st September 2011, 05:42 PM   #11
Raymond
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

I agree with that. It is not wrong what you are trying to achieve LFH but your wife does need space just now. A lot of it could be to do with built up stress which is not funny. When you get like that it is a case of survival not solving problems that you are not ready to sort.

She seemed encouraged that you admitted to some problems on your part and part of the route to fix this would be to admit where you have been wrong.
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Old 21st September 2011, 06:48 PM   #12
1aokgal
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

Dear Loving..

Truth be told, I am not always the most diplomatic in expressing response to situations. We talk here before the handshake and small talk....right to the core. That is the intimacy of these discussion forums that a poster may not always hear agreeable, but truth, as responders sift through the information we are given. We don't see it all. We don't hear the other side and I do believe we impose ourselves into the situation, based on our various training and backgrounds. Counsellors listen, they seldom talk and don't usually give a lot of FB. Self determinism means they are trained to allow a patient to reach their own conclusions. Here we make suggestions and honestly, might suggest a slap on the hand as well, when we see it that way. Amazingly, there is often a sense of release for a poster and while not judgmental, I think we see pretty clearly.

I feel your panic at how clip and clear she is about her intent. In past she was so agreeable to follow your lead. That stance she has is to now set in her heels and if you put pressure she will be out of door so fast your head will spin. So I say..back off completely on discussions. The only discussion you should have is to say you regret where you both are in this space now and at odds.

You didn't state ages? I wonder what moved you to decide to adopt a child when only married a short time. Most couples spend perhaps 5 years to enjoy the relationship and to see how well that works before adding children. If you are a bit older than I get that time might be moving faster. Just trying to get the picture.

This child is a once in a lifetime for her a chance to be there to live the precious moments that are too soon gone in childhood. She will miss most of that working full time. The caregiver will see and experience the molding of the child. I remember I had to return to work when my daughter was 3. I attended college classes the first 3 years so was mostly there with hours in schedule so I put time to enrich life later and was still with her those first years. When I returned to work it tore out my guts to drop her off with this fabulous woman who took several other kids in her care. I often cried as I drove to work out her driveway. I felt sometimes the child didn't even know I was gone. She had such a fine time there. That hurt, at the same time I was delighted to have found a perfect fill-in for me so I could work. If my, then husband, had been reliable, made decent money and been a good guy I would have remained with her two more years until school age. I divorced him when she was four for multiple reasons.

It sounds as if her dissatisfaction came to a serious turn with the decision to work with the child. She told you loud and clear her desire to be home the early years. I think that decision was a huge mistake. Whatever income she earns wasn't worth the tradeoff there. There is also the fact today the internet offers many people the chance to find a home income opportunity. Her health risk does change how one thinks because we (me too) see things as immediate. I think it is true I view life in a shorter outlook. That is why I personally believe the idea to provide for two children needs, with such fragile health, would be a mistake. She sees today and NOW as precious. Once a cardiologist points out your X-ray and describes why your life has an approximate risk, everything takes on a different prospective. The desire to experience today is brought home with a bang. So I am sure that is a focal point of why you see things differently.

While this baby is important, having the baby is not the reaon to stay in an unhappy marriage. So put that aside. Focus on what can be changed in the relationship between the two of you first. If you use that as a reason in your talks, that will not have the glue to offset the problems between the two of you. It does sound as if she is very serious and her family will give her help, so she is intent on that plan. The only thing that might work is to lessen the tension by not discussing this and to give her the space as she asked. Why not get an evening free and go out to dinner and NOT discuss problems and do have small talk. Perhaps you can stay together and go to counselling to make the marriage work.

A counselor will assess a marriage by talking to each alone to see the landscape of where that couple stands. The best thing would be if you can do some nice things together and bide time. If you barb-b-que, then make a nice meal and enjoy on weekend. Work, new responsibilities and a 5 month old baby would be hectic on any woman, let alone one in precarious health. I assume you know taking a turns in the kitchen can sure warm a womans' heart. My husband is a stunning cook and makes it all special with a flourish. I sure appreciate all of that help. I am sure she does not want to have deal with any more pressure so see if you can just let some of this rest.

Tell her how important she is to you. The focal point of staying together is the love you share and not the daughter. It is all about the wife FIRST. Then the child next. Don't say you stick together for the child, because that can't be the glue for years together. It is also about the belief you have that the marriage is sacred and special...that you were meant to be together. Whatever magic brought you together has to be in there somewhere still after two short years. That is what you have to dig to reignite.

Be the man you were then. Maybe she will see and hear in you what will be the key here in this bad time. If you lost faith, then here is where you need to find it. I would say once she is out that door the marriage is history. So don't demand time to argument, but give her help. Assure her that you are willing to work on things.

We don't have too thin skins here on the forum and do want to help. Take suggestions and use what you can, and consider the rest. How often will you see counsellor?

Last edited by 1aokgal; 21st September 2011 at 07:13 PM.
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Old 21st September 2011, 07:04 PM   #13
Helen_uk
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

Hindsight is a wonderful thing Loving ,

I feel for you and I can tell that you really want to put things right with your wife , but I think now isn't the time , for her to ask for space can't have been easy for her - bearing in mind she is working and has your young daughter , plus a heart condition to contend with . I should imagine going it alone would be very difficult for her.... So it appears to me she must have been thinking things through for a while.

Writing things down is an excellent idea , it gets your thoughts straight and also enables you to see any progress made .

Maybe if your wife sees you going to counselling it will encourage her to do the same ? I think it would be good for her to have someone to talk to .

Make sure your wife knows you're available to her , listen if she wants to talk but give her that space ....
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Old 21st September 2011, 07:06 PM   #14
lovingfatherandhusband
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

1aok..
I am currently only going once a week, but I am calling a place today through work that is free and will be attending that hopefully once a week depending on how well it goes I may go more. I want to see one counsellor but honestly I'm not 100% sold on my first session with my counsellor. I know it is only suppose to background stuff, but I was hoping for her to say something to me to help me. It was very uneventful.

You suggested me taking her to dinner, but she really doesn't want to do ANYTHING with me unless it is with our daughter. I asked her to lunch and she said probably not. The BBQ idea is something that I will try tonight. I do help around the kitchen, I love cooking.. she actually uses my recipes. So I will let you know how that attempts goes.. I don't expect her to go "aaaahhhhh it's all better now", but hopefully she gives me a reaction.

Let me make sure I understand what you said. You said "I would say once she is out that door the marriage is history." are you saying that if she moves into an apartment then the chances of us making it are even slimmer? If that is the case, how do I convince her to stay whenever I can't talk to her? I can show her by giving her space, but I really feel like she has made this decision and isn't backing down on the moving out.
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Old 21st September 2011, 11:15 PM   #15
1aokgal
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

Dear Loving..

The problems that existed in your marriage may go very deep with both of you in subliminal feelings or reactions. One session with a counselor will not get you FB as you most desire. Most counselors work as a team so the case is reviewed with others to form a "treatment/game plan" for your situation. It does help to build a blueprint of where you stand. I does build trust between you and a worker. It lays groundwork needed before your wife add s her feelings to the mix. Some churches offer pastoral counselling free. In the US there are divorced/separated/problem group meetings which are fabulous. These groups are listed in calendar section of local newspaper. The meetings are helpful and free.

You heard me right that I do believe once she has moved out that all resolution for you both has passed. That break means the differences are irreconcilable. It takes powerful emotions for a person to detach to that point. Few will go backwards when they establish a new home or get a place . If they do go back most often it is a big mistake and will fold again for good. It is easier to proceed forward.

Right now if you move too much in her face and she feels immense pressure, she will blow out the door just to get peace and space. That is where it stands now .....a pressure cooker. It may not be what you talk about, but what you do at this point to turn the clock back.

Men are not great for this one, but can you think in your mind to change places with her just for this last year? Can you relate to having a ticking time bomb in your chest? Can you view things from that angle, to see days as precious, irreplaceable and each day more than the days events?
There is an immediacy about the days one lives. Money means nothing in a pine box. Family means everything. I don't care her age, but I do speak as a relatively fearless person who lives with a life threatening condition. One really can wonder if we will wake up in the morning or if we can love before it is too late. Jobs, promotions ..can you see that is all petty in the scheme of this?

The smile of a child, the love of husband and the reaching out for comfort is every darn thing. That is her world. Your world is making ends meet and balancing things and doing the tough stuff because you are resilient and you have time. That is what went off here because her world is narrow and focused by necessity. She will cut you out and every distraction that takes away her peace and enjoyment of time. I would do that as well. So you have to be the cog that makes this wheel turn by her being more in the center of things. You must revolve around her. She does not need to fit into your plan. Your priorities don't mesh.

You have a gift there in this woman and this child. It is up to you to do as your parents said, "fix it!" They are putting confidence in you that when you see this last year from her shoes you may understand why she is detached. One detaches as a defense mechanism to pain and being hurt.
She will put distance because she feels not heard nor understood. Her world is limited and yours is not. I believe in you and that you can heal some of these events and be man unafraid to show her an exposed heart. She has to see your pain.

Here is how a man who is emotional will talk. " I value you like my eyes. You mean as much to me as my very own breath. Nothing means anything in my life without you. I will do anything you ask of me or whatever you need to make life better for you. If you decide I failed and I'm not the man for you than I will help you with whatever you need from me." Words like this, heart felt, are powerful. Do not talk about problems or visitation or that kind of thing, but express feeling and just let her know where you are seeing things from her eyes for the first time.

I believe that love is a powerful thing and can heal and close a divide between people. When you say these things, don't move in her space or smother, but say matter of fact..this is how I feel about you. Once that is out there..then these facts are in her court.

Time to break out good guy recipes and lovely music.
PS Do continue to see counselor somewhere as these are actions she will see that you make for her.
Good luck with things.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 22nd September 2011 at 12:58 AM.
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