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Old 21st March 2013, 02:29 AM   #16
sirleo
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Re: I feel betrayed!

Thank you all - there are certain missing links that I should provide to this for a better understanding about this situation

1. this relationship started out a friends input who was common to me and the girls family - i was told the girls family is highly orthodox meaning they are conservative in their thoughts so if matter proceed they will be considering an early marriage (ASAP) since i trust him much i said ok as i think as long as a family wants to decide based on social matters its ok, I met my wife for the first time for 30 minutes only and in a brief intro about each other our horoscopes were matched and found that its a suitable match - now still in this age i let horoscope decide to some it may be a great importance and it was too for them, however we started chatting and things were smooth ( meaning we would exchange words over the fone and hardly in person because they were not in favor of meeting too much before marriage due to conservative ideology) two months after we got married and during this time i felt that my strengths and weakness should be known to her as marriage is a sacred decision and nothing should be hidden. i remember she mentioning that she also suffers from trapezitis and neuralgia which i understood is action based or lifestyle based concern and not as in general to do with weather.
however coming to the marriage - as per tradition and I hope sonia would agree - that first night is somewhat expected to happen after marriage ceremony but my spouse refused and rejected me on that night " by saying she is not comfortable right now" i was a little taken by that but stepped down in the act and went on to make sure why she is not comfortable , i never got an answer but a silence in return, after a while again while chatting at night about all the ceremonies and future , she agreed or gave her consent to consummation of marriage and we did but surprisingly she made a statement that meant she is not looking for a husband to initiate sexual life this fast, I being as mature as I am , i told her to take her time to get comfortable and after that attitude changed on consecutive nights - with issues - i am tired, i dont still feel like and then she in 2 weeks of marriage got a visit to see the gynee who told her that she need to rest for next 3 weeks to heal from the first act of sexual intercourse. I respected her privacy and we just started growing in two different spaces _ i am not despo and neither is she but we never had this conversation and went on to december - i had got married in october , after 6 weeks in marriage and still understanding and learning - chilblains surfaced cause we went for a 2 days trip to mountains and then followed another piece of investigations with doctors as I knew its better to treat a problem at earliest as possible rather to let it grow , as i went from dermatologist and doctors all the till AIIMS, i found no treatment but to avoid actions that trigger it , now having a house full of 25 plus relatives and having to be a bride that has to wear gloves and cremes and avoid cooking or doing house chores - is a psychological challenge so i shifted into a different house next door to provide her comfort and privacy but was not glad with the option as i enjoyed a high status and social circle that demanded attending parties in open, as time and days went by the health concern for her became painful and inflammation kept rising, by 26th January all my channels had told me that there is no cure to it but prevention - I cancelled all my trips with her to mountains and parties coz she could not sit for long or dress up that way to accommodate socialization with health and answering all the questions what the limitation due to, I went into isolated mode from social mode.

2. no price was ever paid of such a event, I belong to high status simple business family.

3. then when doctors mentioned its at times is hereditary i was advised to wait on to having a baby yet,

4. now the initial months were such a turmoil that rather spending time together i was spending time with doctors and getting tests done, then the specialist advised not to risk patient to Vancouver citing worse issues as dampness and weather increase this problem.

5. to worsen this up she told someone that she knows she will not have to work if she gets immigrated to Canada - because i am responsible to provide her food shelter clothing for ten years or else she can go on welfare by simply showing her health issues making me responsible for sponsoring her.

if you have read it all - you think i can change my point of view after running from pillar to post and knowing that the person i married had the intention to immigrate and rather helping raise a family plans to use the system to coverup her pre exisitng problem.
I chose to stay back cause of the indian law - if i live in canada , i have to sponsor her and if she comes, she wants free stay and all that i mentioned, If i live in india then i protect myself and canadian government from a freebee. also if i dont sponsor her then she by law can make a statement against me that i am not sponsoring her to canada and she is left in india falsely and the law has power to destroy my assets and family here.

its like giving the sword in a wrong person hand and hoping that the person doesn't use till its dropped.

i have given up my faith in indian law and arrange marriage.

I hope this thread gives a better idea about my personality and reality.

my question is - how long would you let a person use you for their benefits before you give up the relation.
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Old 21st March 2013, 04:38 AM   #17
Forever
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Re: I feel betrayed!

So my understanding is that you wish to end the marriage and then afterwards go to Canada w/o her so that she cannot then refuse to work and begin a ten years sponge off of the government once you get there? How does the Law in India apply to ending an arranged marriage...when is it permissable...how would you do that and not jeopardize your families assets? What grounds would you use for ending the marriage...fraud?...because of not disclosing her health issues?


This certainly started of very poorly...you agreeing to marry a woman w/o knowing her, her intentions or health issues... issues which make it very difficult to perform as a wife and mother...so I assume you thought you were marrying a "normal" woman who could keep up with your preferred life style?

I think it is ashamed that you consumated the marriage before knowing a lot more about her...that is what we use "courting" or "dating" for here in the States...so there will be fewer surprizes before making such a big committment. That said however, our divorce rate is so high that even knowing a person very well is no guarantee of happiness together either...divorce is granted for any reason or even no reason at all. So compatability, love, and personal desire seems to be weighted as a small factor in arranged marriages there, yet I am certain the divorce rate is nothing like it is here regardless...keeping your vow/promise seems to be weighted heaviest there.

Are you still living next door to your wife...giving her the "comfort of privacy"? If so, then how can that really be of help for either of you to get to know each other...forming an emotional bond cannot happen without spending a lot of time talking honestly to each other.

As far as sex goes...that is probably a bad thing to do right now anyway if you are serious about ending the marriage...she could get pregnant! But I wonder if there had been an ample supply of sex, would you still be wanting out of the marriage? Would you be so detached from each other so as not to even try to work out the health issues?

I am not sure what you want...are you wanting one of us to tell you that you are justified to end the marriage based on all you have told us?

That is a difficult thing to do...on the one hand, you would not buy a horse without the owner disclosing particulars and any medical issues it had...On the other hand, she is not a horse...

Here in the USA, we do not marry unless we are "in love" with a person and know quite a bit about them first. It seems as if that is not important to do in India...so the emotions do not count as far as being compatible enough for love to grow. That means you have to decide what to do based on the customs and factors that DO COUNT there for keeping or else ending a marriage. I do not know what they are there...only you do, so based on what you know of the laws...and based on what you feel about your wife, her condition, and her intentions, do what you will.

Last edited by Forever; 21st March 2013 at 05:02 AM.
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Old 21st March 2013, 05:04 AM   #18
sirleo
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Re: I feel betrayed!

Hello Forever, thanks for your kind input, Based in what I have experienced and my discussions with my wife ,
1. she is of the opinion that if she didn't tell me before marriage about her health limitation that had been there - it is ok and no big deal.
2. she says after finding out the doctors verdict, when I and her were having a discussion and i stated that should I have known all what I know after 3 months of marriage, I would have not made her and my life complicated - her reply was that its better that she should lied to me and should have told " she got this problem after being in my house and made me responsible for this surfacing. ( i lost trust in her - right there) i think in marriage a couple shares many secret dreams and plans, but how can someone use a power of relation to manipulate thier person benefits has been my thought.
3. i refrain from then to be sexually involved siting the consequences could be adverse of having an intimate relations since i lost trust.
4 i was blown when the person she confided to about her strategy that if she keeps quiet i will go to canada and then she will apply for welfare to live her life there and get grants from govt because I am the one who is sponsoring her as i am canadian citizen ( before marriage )
5. the law in india is ismple to ending an arrange marriage but women here misuse the power provided to them by that law. even though we are now living in separate towns - she is with her parents and i in my hometown - she has told my middle mans family that if i dare to get divorce they will get me killed and make false police complaints of me and my family that i am asking for dowry,

after learning all this - i have for now committed to live in india and work here to avoid any threats from them. and if i go and dont sponsor then she can tell the police that i have desserted her and then if i dont follow thru to prove my feelings by living in canada then I cannot come to india ever. because the moment i do - the airport authorities will black list me for domestic violence just based on her lies.

I am sharing it here cause i think i am right in my approach for divorce but if we get divorced her little chance to get immigrated gets washed away so she is not in favor and if she is married i under stress someday will have to leave india and sponsor her along to be in canada to avoid any legal complications.

In india unlike US. the police can file any charges against the newly wed couple - that is in favour of girl side - to earn money for settlement and to harrass the boys family.
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Old 21st March 2013, 05:24 AM   #19
Forever
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Re: I feel betrayed!

So why dont you go ahead and take her to Canada with you, and spare all the drama and danger for everyone else back in India? You cannot hold yourself responsible if she then leaves you and turns around and gets support from the government...that will be her decision and on her own head...she could just as easily try to be a good loving wife too if she wanted to.

What you are saying is that you know it is her intention to use you to get to Canada...so let her do so...and let her suffer the consequences for hatching this plan. If her health goes badly whilst in that climate, that is her fault for playing this game with your life.

I know you do not like the idea of being manipulated like this...but too many others will suffer needlessly if you divorce and leave w/o her...and you will suffer needlessly if you stay there too.

So take her to Canada and let her do what she will...but w/o your further help if she does not want to try to be a good wife to you.

Does she plan to divorce YOU after she gets to Canada?? One could only hope she does if she does not want to love you...at least that way, no one in India can fault you or go after your family.
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Old 21st March 2013, 05:26 AM   #20
1aokgal
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Re: I feel betrayed!

dear Sirleo...

Based on what you have shared here , it seems you are between a rock and a hard place. You did, indeed, get yourself in a pickle! If you just abandon her she will sue you for support and maintenenance outlining her inability to work. If you have sexual relationship...she could get pregnant..and this seems unlikely anyway, since you are in different houses.

I think the idea that a man who has some status and social standing should twice enter an arranged marriage seems bonkers! You did not learn the first time around. You should have realized it was more about immigration, then it is about a union along traditional lines. Now you have bitten off Dr. visits and a life that isn't working for you.

I guess I would seek legal advice in your place and see how much it might cost to make a monetary settlement to her to end the marriage. It won't be an annulment, but a divorce on some grounds as "Irrevocable differences." I don't think her condition to be one that can be used as she had pre-existing problems and failed to disclose them. that malady would not be so serious as to warrant that for grounds for divorce. Basically, to be crude, I think you are had on this marriage. You are disenchanted with the issues and she feels your rejection. If her desire was to immigrate and that was her motivation, you are at cross purpses.


I think you might have to look at some kind of monetary arrangement to get an agreement to end the marriage like a "buy-out" to get her consent to set the machinery in place to end the marriage. There may be a long waiting period, depending on the law on that one.

If there is a NEXT time..go court and meet a woman the traditional way! I can understand the upset she had about the sexual angles. You did not make a distinct agreement if you had a business deal or a marriage. A marriage between two strangers is no attractive way to get one to be intimate.
Whatever occurred evidently was injurious to her and she doesn't want a repeat. Most new brides don't need 3 weeks to recover! I think you have a mess there. Are you justified to end the marriage? I'd say not justified, perhaps, but there exists no meeting of the minds to make a viable marriage. You would do better to make it attractive to her to agree to a divorce.

You have no true legal grounds for divorce by US laws. I think that would be same there.
The issue of a fraud comes into thought, but she doesn't have a serious enough malady to raise that issue. I think your freedom will cost you and take some time, but is not impossible.
I'd agree on a on-the-side money settlement to get her consent and file the papers.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 21st March 2013 at 05:35 AM.
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Old 21st March 2013, 05:33 AM   #21
sirleo
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Re: I feel betrayed!

forever,

I find your perspective positive, but wouldn't this b cheating with the system of canada, knowingly bringing a person into the country with their eyes on resources the govt provides for the betterment of many.

should i let her know that i am going to sponsor her only because i understand the risk/damage herself and family can cause me for not sponsoring her into canada.

will that be a good idea to make them realise that this relation is passport based nothing else
cause they are aware that me and her not involved at any level and that i am unwiling to have any family with her. and they are ok with that too.
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Old 21st March 2013, 05:38 AM   #22
sirleo
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Re: I feel betrayed!

thanks 1aokgal,
Forever has suggested the other way of handling it, even though i like perspective of leaving all the problems in India and sponsoring , but i am unaware of consequences that might surface against me in Canada, ( one is knowingly sponsoring a spouse for pr card when the marriage is not conjugal?,
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Old 21st March 2013, 05:43 AM   #23
Forever
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Re: I feel betrayed!

If she wishes to defraud the Canadian Govt. and they stupidly go along with her giving her funding, then that is also on their heads as well as hers for the doing so.

She can just as easily try to be a good wife and change her mind about her intentions you know...maybe she will, and maybe you might get to liking her and she liking you given the isolation she will experience when she gets there.

I do not see how you can consider bringing your WIFE back to your home in Canada as being defrauding the govt...you are not her sponsor...you are her legal HUSBAND...consumated the marriage, and she has the choice to stay with you and make a good marriage.
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Old 21st March 2013, 05:46 AM   #24
Forever
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Re: I feel betrayed!

Umm...the marriage is not conjugal because you both do not persue that...no one is defrauding the other if neither cares. You can always make it conjugal at any point you wish, as long as you are legally married and both willing to do so.
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Old 21st March 2013, 05:50 AM   #25
sirleo
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Re: I feel betrayed!

as far as i understand - the husband has to bare the responsibility for ten years from the landing date of the spouse, if failing to do so - the govt in return helps teh landed and takes the amount from the sponsored person
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Old 21st March 2013, 06:00 AM   #26
Forever
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Re: I feel betrayed!

How much does your freedom to live your life on YOUR terms mean to you? Right now, you are trapped where you do not want to be...doing what you do not want to do there...and not even living with your wife....and endangering your family for wanting to remedy this. So you have to support her anyway...whether you are married to her in India, or divorced from her in Canada.

I would tell her and her family that you have wonderful wonderful news!!!...that you are now planning to bring your lovely wife to live in Canada with you and how happy the both of you shall be. Say nothing about how you feel about her nasty little plans since that may actually never happen. She might actually get to liking you and learn to behave herself and like being married to you.

Then when you get there, set up house and try to get to know each other...see if there are things worth trying to have a marriage for.

If not, she will divorce you and sponge off the government...or she will become miserable and go back to India...not YOUR fault since SHE was the one to initiate divorce.

Sounds good to me.
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Old 21st March 2013, 04:24 PM   #27
Forever
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Re: I feel betrayed!

Bottom line is that you went there to marry and bring back a wife from India...so bring her back to Canada as planned and see what happens after that. She wanted to immigrate and was willing to marry a stranger to do so...so she did and now you are both in position to move and see what becomes of the relationship therafter.

If she becomes miserable, sick, lonely, depressed ect...well, she brought all that on her own head from the plan she hatched against you...she can always decide to jump on the next plane out and go back home...that is her decision. Make her warm and comfortable...give her good food to eat and warm clothes to wear...but that is ALL until you see if she developes love for you over time.

Do not have children unless you like the idea of paying child support on top of spousal support in the event that she takes them away from you through a divorce. You made a big mistake...but YOU should decide where you want to be whilst paying for that mistake. Live your life as you had planned it as best that you can. You cannot control her, but you can minimize the damages she brings if you stay one step ahead of her. Protect your assets and put nothing into her name. Send no money to her family...they were part of this scheme and do not deserve to have anything whilst their daughter is not loving you as a wife should.

Seriously, I would be a perfect gentleman...providing for her food, warmth and comfort...for a year. I would thank her for every small thing she does that shows any consideration for you and perhaps she will be encouraged to act like a wife. I would NOT have sex with her for the whole entire year after you move. I would wait and see how the relationship developes. If she remains cold and uncaring towards you, I would divorce her after a year, so you do not end up supporting her for several years first...then ten more years thereafter. She will stand to gain more the longer you stay married...so give it a year to see how she warms up to you.

That is all that I can offer to you for this situation. One thing I would NOT be willing to do is live separately and in a country I did not intend to stay in. So move back home, take her with you as your wife (stop looking at her as being just her "sponsor")...and see what actually happens over time. Maybe if you treat her like a wife, she will grow to act like one.

Last edited by Forever; 21st March 2013 at 05:09 PM.
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Old 21st March 2013, 05:08 PM   #28
1aokgal
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Re: I feel betrayed!

Sirleo..

Both of you entered the marriage more as a business deal than with traditional values of love and companionship. It is no wonder this has become a mess of blame and family blackmail! This is not your first rodeo, as they say in the US. You married before and there were immigration schemes in place that first time, then it was annulled. I have heard of schemes to buy into a marriage. Afterwards, the marriage is dissolved and the groom pockets up to $25,000 fee. That is the "bride fee" I spoke about. After the marriage is dissolved, one has gained entry into the country and can later apply for assist on the system. Such maneuverings are against the law and a felony in most countries.

Marriage is for LIFE, and is not a bargain, as both invest the effort to make life in this peril filled world to be better because it is shared.

I agree with Forever, to take your wife to Canada and live together there. At least, you are not held in captivity to a poor economic climate. You can earn a decent living there. If she has physical problems. it is still better than living a life of bondage in poverty in India. The future can be what you both make of it. Consider this, and work for the good of you both. You are not her sponsor, you are her husband, and that was your choice with open eyes.

It seems she had not married before, and saved her virtue for marriage (from your description.) I really don't think her sole ulterior motive was to scam her way into Canada! While that is your take on it, it seems more reasonable, that she wanted to marry and have a good life with someone who cares about her. Be kind and make a decent life with her.
She feels your distrust and the issues you have that you judge her. That does not make an intimate acts possible as a pact of legal prostitution, a roof overhead for sex.

Time is moving on and living in separate houses only cements the upset and resentment she feels that your motives may also be questionable. There is distrust on both sides. How does your family feel about this sitauation? Your culture values family and children and I can't imagine how upset your mother must feel!
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Old 24th March 2013, 06:51 PM   #29
sirleo
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Re: I feel betrayed!

Will share with you all a new development tomorrow.
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