Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 24th December 2013, 02:54 AM   #16
touchdownlexus
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 12
Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

I find it sooooo hard to shut up and take the high road when he provokes me.
Here I am minding my own business and doing 180 and he comes Along and aggravates me and when he thinks he's done puts on his shoes and wants to go for a walk at frikking 2 am. While I'm not done talking. When it starts to get uncomfy he leaves. Good on him. But sucks for me!!
He thinks EVERYTHING I do is manipulate him. No emotion of mine is real. They r all manufactured to manipulate him. He needs to stop thinking he's so important!!!
He did something to TEACH ME A LESSON yest when all our marriage he accused me fro trying to teach him lessons. Where in reality I never have. And when I told him that he said "that's right u just manipulate"
I'm dealing with a man with low self esteem who has been fat all his life and a ginger(I dunno how that matters) and has been bullied and picked on by guys and girls alike all his school years. The stories he's told me are pathetic and rage invoking cuz I was the popular girl in school all along and I can't imagine treating my class mates the way he has been treated all his life.
No surprises I wanna be protective to him now.
But his childhood experiences. His depression and whatever the hell that goes on in his head they alllll make me the b@#*h to him.
I've admitted to him that I manipulate people so now he think I manipulate every time I say anything to him. There I was trying to frikking share my negative points with this guy and I get done for it.

We r frikking OVER and still he fights and storms out and accuses me o stuff.
One of His favourites.... It sounds like I'm lecturing him!!!
I do have an authoritative voice. I do, as a matter In fact hold a job that requires me to be so and have been all my life when I'm trying to make a point. Which is why when I am trying to convey a point to him I clearly say I'm not preaching and carry on talking. Cuz my tone IS preachy!!!! So I make an effor but with emotions involved I can't check my tone and THAT'S WHY I put up a disclaimer.
When I try to ask him something which FOR SURE I know he'll take it the wrong way. I give a disclaimer "I mean no offence" and go ahead with the question. And my firs language isn't English so there have been times when he's misunderstood my intentions in the past and pounces on me. So I make sure I tell him. Hey I mean no harm. I come in peace. When I can do that. He, Well he's just happy not to gimme benefit of doubt and has his golden chance to pick a fight.

I dunno what good alll this rambling is. Cuz finally mebbe I'm getting an outlet regardless of replies or advices it feels like SOMEONE is listening which I never had in my marriage.
touchdownlexus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th December 2013, 06:26 PM   #17
ronnoco
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 391
Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

Hello TDL,

Firstly - so sorry to hear about these events that have happened to you.

Listen, the fact that you couldn't tell your husband about these says it all really doesn't it. Your marriage was a shambles.

Although you may well be right about him not showing sympathy about the attempted rape - this may have been him wanting to know what had happened in order to be able to process it. Although of course, I would show sympathy (I would be absolutely devastated if this happened to by wife) I know myself that I would want to know what happened in order to be able to fully process it and be able to support her. I can't really explain why, I just know I would want to know.

Google "5 stages of grief" it will help you a lot. You will go through many of these stages for a very long time. Right now you are clearly in the anger stage. It's going to take you a long time to move on but it's important to process the pain and these emotions.

If not already done, I would really recommend seeing a good councillor and getting professional help for what you went through.

Write a journal of how you are feeling each day. As time goes by and you start to heal you will be able to look back and see what process you have made compared to how you are now.

Christmas is the time for peace. Try and give yourself a break for the next couple of days.

Let 2014 be a new year, new start....a new TDL. Focus on no 1.

Wishing you all the very best.
ronnoco is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th December 2013, 05:53 AM   #18
touchdownlexus
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 12
Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

Ron
Firstly, merry X MAS. Ill do as u say. I didn't mind telling him. But the was Interrogated not asked out of concern. His biggest concern was why I didn't slap him or be more stern.
Never mind. All things in da past.
As a matter of fact on the 24th I apologised to him through text. Dunno why. But thot ill be the bigger person.
I need to move on and I won't say I found God but I have started my search. Eventually maybe ill find God.
And this process is making me a nicer person. Still upset but when I concern with something as huge a deal as God everything else looks insignificant and small.
Today's Xmas and a whole buncha people here. Noone knows we broke up. We r staying in different rooms doing different things.
Just wanna get over all this and move on. Next hurdle being New Years. In 8 years we've spent only 1 NY together. And this is the 2nd and we already broken up and I'm going into town by myself. Things happen for a reason and I believe ill find out the reason soon.

Yes, the marriage has always been on weak foundations and this just had to happen.

Thanks for your reply and I WILL take care of myself this festive season.

Peace and cheers!
touchdownlexus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th December 2013, 09:47 PM   #19
ronnoco
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 391
Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

Hi TDL,

Merry Xmas to you too.

It was lovely to read your last post as you already sound like you are in a far better place, well done.

With regards to being the better person, that's how I live my life too.

When I was rock bottom back in August due to my wife leaving me, I prayed to God and since then I have prayed every night. The moment I prayed things honestly got better for me and they have continued to do so.

I completely agree that everything happens fora reason...you just don't know the reason yet. Hopefully, one day you 'll meet someone who will blow your mind and you'll realise why this happened ;-) I believe in fate, karma and that the universe has a plan for you.

Just take it one day at a time. Hold on to the good days and let the bad days go. It's the roller coaster of emotions that is the worst. One day you might be feeling great and looking forward to the future, the next you are rock bottom and on your knees. This is all just part of the process and like I said, you've got to go through that process. It's like a storm...you've gotta ride it out.

It's tough, but you'll get through it.

Wishing you all the very best for the future.
ronnoco is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2013, 05:27 AM   #20
touchdownlexus
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 12
Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

Thanks for the kind words Ron.
Something DID happen. But dunno the meaning for it.
Last night at bed time he asked me how my day was. I said was ok. And I asked in return n he Sai not so bad at all. After long gaps of silence I said "I missed u today" normally I'm calculating what his reaction would be to me saying that but since this whole being a good person thing cropped up ... I've just been doing things as honestly as I can. And no shame in admitting u missed ur ex who's so close yet so far away on a festive day.
He took a few seconds n said he missed me too. And after a long gap said, " is it weird if I say I wanna hold u" I said no not at all. And he asked if he could. I said sure and I went to his bed cuz I sleep on the floor and held him. It was very emotional. N I cried silently in his arms. Not sad. Not happy. Just emotional. Mebbe the emotion was grieving the loss of a relationship.
Was with him holding n being held for 2 hours. In between he kissed a few times and stopped himself n apologised. And kissed again. I never kissed him even once. He said he noticed how I've been looking great the last few days. And coupla days ago he almost held me from behind on the floor. And said he feels guilty abt not gtng me an Xmas gift when I got him this real cool pressie that he's wanted for a while. It was all nice to hear bit I wasn't deluding myself.
And he did say... " I know I wanna hold u and e with u and missed u and all that...."
And I finished for him. " but it doesn't mean we r together"
He silently agreed to that.
Later he kinda got a lot more frisky and even said mebbe we shud have sex. I said I wasn't gonna get sucked into it again. He said there's nothing to get sucked into. I said U won't. I just might. He said "if u ever feel like it u know we can" I said we shudnt. The last thing I want is to be hi F... Buddy.
In the end I know this just a man getting horny and I shudnt give it much thought.
But can't help asking God why he made that happen. To harden my heart. To test if I'm strong enuff to face the next blow. All thro the time I hel him I kept asking God. " why r u doing this, God?"

I wasn't totally affected or anything. I was never madly attracted to him but he was going mad. I just didnt know the meaning or the need for what happ last night.
touchdownlexus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2013, 06:23 AM   #21
touchdownlexus
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 12
Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

He just walked in to apologise about last night.
He said he didn't wanna make it any harder for me to move on.
Isn't that nice!
touchdownlexus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2013, 11:07 AM   #22
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

That is nice. I would say he has feelings for you but is clumsy about it. Maybe because of his wounded past.

I have a wounded past as well being brought up an orphan and getting sexually abused long term in the bargain. Yes God does fix broken people like me and him, but God alone didn't fully work for me. It's when I came to Christ and gave Him my life that things started happening for me. Yes God did answer my prayers but the answer turned out to be Christ. And no wonder as God sent His son in to the world that we might have forgiveness, healing and life. That was His plan for us. We come to the Father only through the Son. We can be offended by the good news but if we head for the person we will not be disappointed.

I don't know if you if you are finished together although you both need help. It is not as cut and dry for him as I thought. I don't think it was just sex though, although sex will often follow on from an intimate emotional time but you are right. You don't want just a F buddy without the relationship of a loving marriage behind it. He would need to make a real committment towards you and work on the marriage.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2013, 11:43 AM   #23
touchdownlexus
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 12
Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

That's nice the stuff abouT God Thanks for sharing.
Also am sory abt the past but I guess it's the past that has made u see God. Still I dun think any kid shud go through abuse of any kind.... No matter what Gods purpose is.

We had another conversation. Where I had to get a little practical and talk about money and divorce and legal stuff. I hated having to initiate It but guess it has to be done. And he who initiated the break up was not bringing up these issues. So I had to.. Prolly ended up looking petty.
He said he was gonna remove my family off his face book and asked me to do the same cuz it doesnt apparntly make sense to him. I changed my marital status and gone back to my maiden name on FB (little things but things that help me accept) cus it was a slap when he told me that he was regretting last night and apologised for making it hard for me. It felt like him reminding me that he's moved on and is sorry only for my sake.
In the end he asked if any thing else needs to be discussed and when I said no he kinda came in for a hug and we held for a while and he said. "U never know I might come at u again" and silly me thot he meant he wud come at me again ... Like want me back. And I said "it's a free world"
3 mins Later I find out he meant "might get horny on u again like last night" I felt so silly and embarrassed and he kept asking what I thought he meant. Eventually I told him n he said. "Never know but I won't say it cuz I dun wanna give u empty hopes. It might or might not happen"

I wish God gives me more strength to handle these hopeLESS dialouges we exchange. I know it's over yet HE dangles a carrot.
touchdownlexus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2013, 01:11 PM   #24
Roses
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

Yes. It's always very nice to read what Raymond would say. It says a lot about his lovely character.

You may still love each other (it's obvious). But your marriage has long stopped functioning to serve your needs. Perhaps, it had never even started to function properly from the start. You've been struggling many years.

He may still want to attempt to keep you hanging around for the next 5 years or more if you let him. It is common. If he tries to behave as if he's still interested in you, it's because he has nothing else to cling on besides you.

Are you still living together? I couldn't exactly work out how your living arrangement is like at the moment. Personally, I feel that you may need some therapy. Why you are clinging onto a marriage full of serious problems nobody knows. (But they say about unmet childhood needs manifesting in your present behaviour?)

If I am bluntly honest, yes you may have a brilliant career as you say. But you come across as someone who is extremely needy.
  Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2013, 03:08 PM   #25
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

tdl

I am so encouraged and excited about the way that you and ronocco are turning to God, because I KNOW that God is real and that He is the best Father ever, and cares so much about you. You dont need to look for Him in that sense, as He is with us all the time, just speak to him as if He is in the room with you, because He can hear. Many turn to Him in painful times because we all have that God shaped hole, and its when we are suffering that we realise our need of Him of course we need Him all the time, but if things are going Ok, we feel we don't.

Just wanted to say that you were asking why God lets things happen such as you cuddling your husband etc, and I wanted to say that it was you and he that let that happen. We do things all the time that God doesnt want us to, as we all have free will. We make our won choices. You were so right not to have sex with him, as if he wants the marriage to end, that would be pointless and only make it more painful for you. I would avoid such situations again unless he changes his mind about ending the marriage. In fact maybe keep your distance now unless its something that you cant avoid.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2013, 04:02 PM   #26
touchdownlexus
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 12
Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

Guys Thanks again.

Roses, I work in a different country and he lives in a diff country.
I came to his country on 10 oct and leave on 9 jan. the idea was baby making. Don't ask!!!! Bad idea I know.

And yes... I have become needy now. But only with him. Once again, why? I'd be damned if I knew cuz everyone always knew and I knew I deserved better. So does he.
Giving up on this Marriage is like a failure in my eyes. Not anymore though. I see it. Unless something drastic happen or The Lord himself intervenes this thing is over.
touchdownlexus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2013, 05:46 PM   #27
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

It seems to be that way. It takes two to work on a marriage. His sexual attraction is not enough without commitment to you and the marriage. It is a wonderful thing when within a committed relationship but on it's own it can be demeaning for the woman.

About past suffering and problems tdl. It is not God that designs these things. Jesus said that the whole world lies under the wicked one. However, amazingly, God can use the bad things that happen to us for good in the end. Not that He designed them. His best is being brought up by loving parents but if our soil is bad He can use it for good.

If he has chosen to end it what can you do? As Roses hinted you don't want to live in some halfway house. It wouldn't work. He has to know his own mind and anything less than total commitment is a basis for instability with regard to marriage.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th December 2013, 02:46 AM   #28
touchdownlexus
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 12
Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

Thanks Ray. I dunno scriptures n I dun go to church so I dunno these things that u clarified. Occasionally I do look into online bible but that's it.

I think I'm on my 5th stage of grieving.... Acceptance. And not as miserable as before. Or vulnerable. But I found that he's been gtng regular email advice from some marriage counselling website. So lets c whr it goes. I think no more 1/2 hearted attempts for marriage. Full on or all out. A marriage break 99% of the time happens cuz of flaws on both parties. Getting closer to God has made me stop banging on abt the injustice in everything and centre myself and look within me. The muck and garbage inside of me is overwhelming. I need to fix that first then worry abt my partner's (whoever it is) shortcomings. Cuz if I dun clear my mess I'm only taking this junk to my next relationship.
I'm ever thankful to The Lord for making me STOP and look inside me and realise my mistakes in the relationship. Strangely that makes me not accepting but tolerant towards his flaws. Ivan see his perspective... Kinda. Of course would never know wat goes on inside a depressed mans head. Tolerance is the start acceptance is the destination.
But before getting to acceptance we have ended this. But if it hasn't ended I wouldn't have turned this new leaf. Maybe I'm jus being philosophical cuz I jus woke up and still a bit groggy. Or maybe this feeling is here to stay. Either ways I need to read this post everytime I feel hard done by.

I need to say that I used to write a journal which helped when I cudnt communicate. But this is even better even when I dun get rreplies to my post it feels like someone is listening. No doubt replies make it better. But it's not like writing summin that only I can read. So once again thank you, u wonderful people.
touchdownlexus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th December 2013, 10:31 AM   #29
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

You are right in that we all need to recognise our own faults and weaknesses, and try and accept that others also have faults and weaknesses. Neither easy but both important.
Its also a good idea to work on yourself with Gods help, as ultimately its only him who can heal us and change us from the inside.

However none of us will ever have it all together, and as we get older, we get more baggage to add to what we already have. When I married my second husband 8 years ago(both in our late 40's) we were both really weighed down by baggage such as past hurts and traumas, past rejections and losses, getting out of balance in certain areas, fears and all sorts. In our case, God did a lot of healing after we met and after we married through each other, so that can happen as well, However the better state emotionally we can be before we meet someone the better.

God will always use bad things that happen to us to bring good, that's one of the things I love about Him.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
depression, marriage

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 12:50 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright 1999-2020 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer