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Old 10th August 2015, 07:35 PM   #1
Jaxon
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Wife and I have not been intimate in months.

Hello, my wife and I have been married for nearly eight years now, we've never had much in the way of issues, but in the past few years everything has snowed, especially this year. Our main issue right now is in the bedroom. She is no longer comfortable with sex, she's scared of it.

It started in January, she had another miscarriage. It was the latest in a line of miscarriages we do not have much in the ways of answers. We do not have any children, but she still wants to have children despite what has happened. She has pushed me away since then. She's scared of getting pregnant again and does not trust birth control. She also says she feels like a failure.

She does not even sleep in the same room as me anymore. While she has started to come around a little, she'll sit with me, or want to be held, or even some spooning, she will not do anything remotely sexual.

Whenever I try to initiate, she'll push me away. She says she can't. I've told her we can do other things, it doesn't have to be sex, and she'll argue that it'll lead to sex.

I know that I'll be told to leave her. I'm not doing that. I also expect to be told she needs counseling. I won't disagree, but she will. She does not like it, she does not accept it, and she will not go.
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Old 10th August 2015, 07:53 PM   #2
ralfgarnett
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Re: Wife and I have not been intimate in months.

Oh blimey not another sad story, that is 2 new ones on here today and I have heard of 2 dumpings over the weekend amongst 2 local couples that we know what is going on out there ?, I am so sorry that you find yourself here mate, I am no expert on this sort of thing as my wife and I never had issues like this but I am certain that your problem is not terminal and hopefully between you that you will sort this out between you, good luck keep posting somebody with better advice than I will be along with good advice ASAP I'm sure.
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Old 10th August 2015, 08:01 PM   #3
chosen
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Re: Wife and I have not been intimate in months.

She clearly has reasons for her reluctance, with the disappointment and grief from the miscarriages etc, but she also needs to realise that sex is very important for the marriage and for men especially, and if she carries on rejecting you then she is risking loosing you. I would NEVER tell you to leave, but you may need to be quite firm in a loving way by saying that you know she is hurt and needs help, and that you will fully support her in any counseling you both have, (or she has) about this issue. Also say that this cant cant go on like this forever, 7 months has gone by, and things have only got worse.
You being in separate rooms and not having sex at all is a dangerous place to be in as far as the marriage is concerned, and it may be the beginning of the end unless you act.

There are many very reliable birth control methods available, so her saying that she is afraid they will fail cant be true. However she also says she wants children, so why use birth control anyway? There are mixed messages. This situation may well just drag on and on unless something is done, and her refusing to get any sort of help seems a little selfish as it would help her and you and the marriage.
Do you think that she got to the point where sex for her was all about her getting pregnant?

Last edited by chosen; 10th August 2015 at 08:08 PM.
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Old 10th August 2015, 08:15 PM   #4
ralfgarnett
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Re: Wife and I have not been intimate in months.

"There are many very reliable birth control methods available, so her saying that she is afraid they will fail cant be true. This situation may well just frag on and one unless something is done, and her refusing to get any sort of help is strange and bit selfish. It would help her and you and the marriage."

I am no expert but the poor girl must be at a very low ebb, I know this is the simplistic approach but for want of a better description maybe you could put something on the end of it, and she could take her own precautions, pill, implant, coil etc and maybe you could also pull out percy at the moment of impact if you get my drift, I'm sorry if this sounds a bit course I don't mean it that way but there are 3 options that you could use at the same time at least in order to avoid conception, this might make her feel trebly safer about conceiving, just an idea as I said I'm no expert.
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Old 10th August 2015, 08:20 PM   #5
Jaxon
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Re: Wife and I have not been intimate in months.

I know there are different birth controls out there, but she doesn't trust any of them because nothing can boast 100% safety. She's gotten pregnant before while we were being careful, and everything she's read, she's not happy with.
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Old 10th August 2015, 08:30 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: Wife and I have not been intimate in months.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaxon View Post
I know there are different birth controls out there, but she doesn't trust any of them because nothing can boast 100% safety. She's gotten pregnant before while we were being careful, and everything she's read, she's not happy with.
Many are almost 100% safe, I feel sadly its an excuse for her to avoid sex.

is she not wanting to get pregnant again?

The contraceptive injection for example, which you have every 3 months, is over 99% reliable, but to be honest I dont think this is the reason why she is refusing sex.
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Old 10th August 2015, 08:34 PM   #7
Jaxon
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Re: Wife and I have not been intimate in months.

She doesn't want to get pregnant. She's sure it will end the same way.
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Old 10th August 2015, 08:37 PM   #8
ralfgarnett
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Re: Wife and I have not been intimate in months.

Perhaps you could both go and discuss this with a GP or some kind of birth control expert, maybe then if she hears it from a professional then perhaps she might have more confidence, I think your in the US and I know you will probably have to pay but it could be $'s well spent if it gives her peace of mind, just a suggestion.
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Old 10th August 2015, 08:39 PM   #9
Jaxon
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Re: Wife and I have not been intimate in months.

She hasn't talked to anyone about it, but I'll see if I can. It just doesn't give her peace of mind at all to see so many posts and topics on the internet "I got pregnant on this birth control." "I got pregnant on that birth control."
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Old 10th August 2015, 08:41 PM   #10
chosen
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Re: Wife and I have not been intimate in months.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaxon View Post
I know there are different birth controls out there, but she doesn't trust any of them because nothing can boast 100% safety. She's gotten pregnant before while we were being careful, and everything she's read, she's not happy with.
What do you mean by you were being careful?

I used to get pregnant at the drop of a hat, and I used the coil for many years and also the pill for many years and there were no accidents. Since then the choice is far greater and there are even more reliable methods.

I think that her issue is the miscarriage and the fact that she may have got to that point of not wanting sex unless she wants a baby and for now she doesnt want that. That can happen to couples who have problems in this area. However I dont think this will go away on its own, and you may well need to be firm about getting help. There is plenty out there its shame if you dont use what is available.
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Old 10th August 2015, 08:47 PM   #11
chosen
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Re: Wife and I have not been intimate in months.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaxon View Post
She hasn't talked to anyone about it, but I'll see if I can. It just doesn't give her peace of mind at all to see so many posts and topics on the internet "I got pregnant on this birth control." "I got pregnant on that birth control."
Thats because she is looking for problems. She doesnt hear about the millions( like myself), who were very fertile, yet never had a single accident while using birth control for 25 or so years of regular sex.

AS I said, I doubt that is the reason why she doesnt want sex, I think that is a red herring. If a method is 99% reliable if you use it for a year, and you then use a condom as well, there arent going to be mistakes.

has she said if/when she wants to try for a baby again?
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Old 10th August 2015, 09:21 PM   #12
chosen
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Re: Wife and I have not been intimate in months.

jaxon have there been any investigations into why she keep having miscarriages? Are they very early ones in the first few weeks or later? Was she givens any advise about help lines or associations and websites or similar for those who have suffered miscarriages?
such as:-http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/

Last edited by chosen; 11th August 2015 at 09:56 AM.
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Old 11th August 2015, 05:13 AM   #13
Lindentree1
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Re: Wife and I have not been intimate in months.

Your dedication to your wife is impressive. I don't think we'd tell you to leave her.

She won't see a counselor right now. I think you need support. You might consider going to counseling alone, at least for awhile.

Your wife could be depressed, as well. Would she bring it up to a doctor? Maybe she needs an anti-depressant to get back on her feet, even if it's just temporary.

These are things to consider.
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Old 11th August 2015, 09:51 AM   #14
Raymond
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Re: Wife and I have not been intimate in months.

This is a long shot Jaxon but has she or her previous forbears been involved in freemasonry?
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Old 11th August 2015, 11:28 AM   #15
ralfgarnett
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Re: Wife and I have not been intimate in months.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
This is a long shot Jaxon but has she or her previous forbears been involved in freemasonry?
You even have me intrigued now Raymond, please could I ask you why this question even before Jaxon replies ?, the reason I ask is that I was invited to join myself a few years ago now but WW didn't like the sound of it for some reason so I didn't pursue it.
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