How to move on

[QUOTE]
[QUOTE=Chamomile;62825]Hi 1aokgal

In other words, I wondered if you may be scared of having that sort of commitment required by a more "normal" relationship because your work commitment?


This is a very good point you have made Chamomile and very perseptive of you.
You are quite right about being scared but not because of work committments but because of intimacy. What better way to not have to be intimate than to chose someone with issues themselves. Obviously I did not handpick him for this reason but I am aware that this is so. I know that when I am in the presence of confident men I freeze. This is an issue that I also have to tackle if I am to ever have a healthy relationship

[Chamomile]

Hi Lynn

It is so understandable when your inner peace is so important. Men who are so confident (over-confident, even) may not quite "fit" in your somewhat deeply spiritual life. I used to be so wary of sunny, confident men myself many, many years ago! lol You are clearly self-aware about your good self and I'm sure you will find what you really want in your journey.

PS. It was very lovely to read about what you do and what you really enjoy re. what you do. I tend to find that women can give so much to her work and be so successful because of her talent and deep, spiritual commitment. I was too, so fascinated by nature and plants of all kinds since I was a little girl, so I can so relate to what you had to say, in fact, quite a bit. I have never been trained to grow, unfortunately but you have inspired me very much there. Thank you xxx

Hi Chamomile,

My formal training is in General Practice but my family were all gardeners, my Dad was trained in farming and gardening has always been my passion, I instinctively knew about plants, growing, propagating etc. and I just went from there. I hated been stuck in an office and I am very much a free spirit, never being able to take orders very well. I call it compensation for the horrors of my childhood but what it has given me is strength to do what really pleases me and not being afraid to do something that I know that I am good at. No one has ever asked me what qualifications I have in gardening because I suppose I have such confidence in what I do. If I ever come up against something I don't know I look it up and study it.
I am in my 9th year now and I have 5 employees and I am now looking towards completing my dream of having my own nursery.
Don't let lack of training stop you from doing something you love, you can be anything you want to be and have anything you want if you really want it badly enough xxx

[Chamomile]

Originally Posted by Lynn

Don't let lack of training stop you from doing something you love, you can be anything you want to be and have anything you want if you really want it badly enough xxx

Hi Lynn xx
Thank you so much for your heartfelt advice and encouragement.
It was really so thoughtful and compassionate of you to say what you said in your post. My counselling and this site have been most helpful. Yes, you are absolutely so right about what you say.
Thank you for sharing your experience so openly. It's really good to know we are here to support one another. xxxx

I have finished the book on Boundries and have got through half of, In Sheeps Clothing.
The second being quite heavy going as it is written for the lay person but also for the professional field. I have realised the manipulation that is going on with my ex. and I can now see so very clearly that he alternates between the victim and the manipulater and I then either rescue or go into victim myself. I can also see clearly my obsession in being needed. I want to get off this merry go round.

There's only one way off, Lynn ... put a foot down and push off. I know how easy that is to say and how difficult to do. I was there once and it took me a long time to get out of it. Once I did, I swore I'd never do that again! *laugh* So I did something equally stupid but completely different. But you know what they say about mistakes? If you aren't making any then you're not really living. Don't feel like you have to do it perfectly, just do it.

I'v found a Co-dependancy group near me so I am going to try that.
I know that I need some help and support and that I need to focus on myself only. I have spent years reading books, which have been a great help. This web-site has been a God send also but I now need to take the next step and this is it.
It will be nice to meet in person people that also have the same issues.
I realise that I have isolated myself so much, there is a shame attached to being in a relationship with an alcoholic but I need to let go of the ex. and let him find his own way and I need to find mine.
My friends and family say," just go out and make a new life for yourself", such easy words to say but not so easy for me. Once I get home from work I tend to want to lock myself away and not face anything.
This has changed and I now will take the next step and I welcome it as I have in joining this group and reading all your messages that have inspired me to move forward with my life.
Thank you to everyone that has taken the time and trouble in reading and commenting on my issues xxx

You are quite welcome, Lynn. For myself, I'm finding that in reading the woes of others I am finding pieces of my own broken heart. And being able to see them from a distance in the words of others allows me to see them in a new, healthier light. I no longer feel like I'm the only one.

For instance, your friends and family telling you to "just go out and make a new life for yourself"? These are words I've used on my own friends and family. Yet now, when I hear them directed at me, I just want to scream and rage at them that they have no clue how hard that is. Yet, when I read them in your post, they somehow gained validity again.

I wish you all the best. Just remember ... one baby step at a time.

Today I feel better and more positive.
I have joined an online co-dependency site and I have been sent my first lesson and boy I just wanted to consume it!! It is just exactly how I feel. I realise now how I have escaped myself, my feelings and my life through living through others problems. No wonder it has been so difficult to rid myself of these people in my life. They also want to escape their own problems by getting me to rescue them.
I know this will be a bumpy road but one that I just have to take.
By taking help in this way I don't feel that I am dumping on anyone else, something else to feel bad about. They are all their giving their time and understanding just because they want to. Others that know exactly how I am feeling, just what I am going through.
Yes a good day today xx

[chosen]

Thats brilliant Lynn. Let us know how it goes.
God Bless.

[Chamomile]

Originally Posted by Lynn

Today I feel better and more positive.
I have joined an online co-dependency site and I have been sent my first lesson and boy I just wanted to consume it!! It is just exactly how I feel. I realise now how I have escaped myself, my feelings and my life through living through others problems. No wonder it has been so difficult to rid myself of these people in my life. They also want to escape their own problems by getting me to rescue them.
I know this will be a bumpy road but one that I just have to take.
By taking help in this way I don't feel that I am dumping on anyone else, something else to feel bad about. They are all their giving their time and understanding just because they want to. Others that know exactly how I am feeling, just what I am going through.
Yes a good day today xx

Hi

That sounds like very positive and I really think you deserve the best, only the best in your life. Just be careful with your h. Hope he won't get abusive when you are moving on. You have "served" enough time for him and the unrewarding relationship which went on for so long. Get yourself some legal advice and make plans (though knowing how organized you seem to be, I'm sure you have already done this? xx) Yes, childhood trauma can be so so serious and it's brilliant that you had the intelligence and courage to to address this right now. Hat's off to you!!

With all the Best, xxxx

[Helen_uk]

It is a real eye opener isn't it Lynn ?

It's great you've found somewhere you can talk to others going through the same thing , helps keep your resolve strong too....

When I first read up on co-dependency I couldn't believe the article hadn't been written about me. I also wondered how I hadn't noticed the pattern before .

Sometimes we think we've dealt with past issues but they lurk in our psyche and affect the way we behave , unconsciously .

I'm really glad to hear you're feeling much more positive.
x

I consulted a Solicitor a week after he left and tomorrow my Solicitor is presenting him with the petition and asking him if he is intending to contest it or not. Hopefully the latter. I do know he is not going to be very pleased as I am sure he thinks that I have not gone through with this. One of the big differences between us is that his threats are just that and mine are not. I have always known that I have to protect myself financially as he came into the marriage with nothing and I owned everything. I took out a pre-nupt and I never changed my name so his enormous debts will hopefully stay his.
Out of 3 years of marriage we have only lived as man & wife for 1 year so I really do hope he is entitled to nothing.

Letter has been delivered and so far no communication, which is a good thing.
I am trying to battle a little with my feelings as to why on earth should I feel sorry for him but I know that this is just crazy as I owe him nothing more than he has taken from me already. I whole heartedly know this is the only way forward with my life. I have given 11 years to this man and I do now intend to waste any more time fretting over him. It is a huge day for me today, the beginning of a whole new chapter in my life and I feel good. A huge weight has been lifted and although I don't quite know where I am to go from here, I know that is has to be better than where I was.

So how do I live my life with no co-dependency?
I no longer have the pull to go back but going forward is something all together different.
I have spent a lifetime of thinking, doing and breathing for others and so it is my time to think of myself. I have to be honest and say this is easy to say and so difficult to do. I just do not know which road to take. This crossroads that I find myself at is not as easy as I would like. I tend to think about what I would like to do with my life and then think of every reason not to do it.
The end result is that I stay at home, by myself where I feel safe, bored maybe but safe.
I never underestimate how far I have come and I congratulate myself everyday for getting here but now it is time to take that next step, into the unknown and out of my comfort zone.
So any help and advice would be so welcome from all my friends here.
Thank you