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Old 5th March 2010, 10:35 PM   #1
ariliz
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Join Date: Mar 2010
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Let My Husband look at Porno, Now its Worse

Hi Everyone,

I'm new here, and Im going to try to keep this short as I can. I have a wonderful, loving husband who has always been so good to me. We're best friends. I married him young, I was 22 and he was 33. I've always been very mature for my age. Now Im 30. I gave my life to the Lord as a teenager, and my husband got saved the year before I met him. He always told me that he really struggled with porn, strip clubs and even several times prostitutes before he found God. I was a virgin. However, everyone envies how well-suited for eachother we are.

Fast-forward a couple of years into our great marriage and I can tell he's trying to bring porn into our marriage. I saw porn 1 time before I met him, I was pretty inexperienced so honestly I was kind of fascinated, becasue it sort of transformed him from this sweet smiling guy to this highly sexual person, and it excited me. Our marriage was so strong in every other way that i looked at it as minor, and once in a while something I even wanted to look at. He calls me several times a day for the last 10 years, comes home right on time every single day, only seems to want my company and i never see him look at anyone else. So i didnt worry. On top of the fact that when we first got married I was very thin and was even about to enter the catalogue modeling industry, but I have since gained 100lbs due to a hormone dificiency, and he honestly dosent seem to mind. Still seems very attracted to me, believe it or not.

3 years ago we lost a pregnancy. I havent been able to get pregnant since, and I found out that im also labeled infertile-have been for years- due to this dificiecy and it will take a lot of work to get me pregnant. Its devastating for us. Amazingly its brought us closer though, I think. During all this, honestly we lost a lot of our faith, our relationship with the Lord has really gone downhill in terms of spending time with him. My husband used to be so exited about God, not anymore. He's just sweet, but seems to kind of ignore God. Its been a long road.

The issue with porno has been on and off throughout the last few years, us watching together, then finding out he would watch alone, so I would say 'No More!" and he would agree. Then it would pop up again. I didnt see it as a big problem because it was just porn on our computer, no money spent(I control the finances)or magazines. Then I started getting into it myself becasue I have found my libido has gone down in the past couple of years and it became hard to climax. Then I discovered I could climax while watching porn and I became slightly addicted myself, so I couldnt really get too mad at my sweet husband for doing the same thing, right?

We would watch together maybe a couple of times a month. While I noticed that I never looked at the peoples faces, I was strictly interested anatomically, if you know what I mean, I saw that he was pretty particular about what type of girl he liked to watch (looked like me when i was skinny). I thought he might be turned on by the girls face and bodies, not the sex like I was, so I confronted him and he denied it. I know it's a very fine line. That was a few weeks ago. ( I forgot to mention that hes been having problems with erectile dysfunction in the past couple of years). since then Ive decreed no more porn.

So, yesterday I was stressed out and bored and decided to be a total hypocrite and watched porn for 15 min. I went to erase the browsing history, like my husband taught me, and saw the browsing history from the day before. It was not porn sites, like i thought it would be. It was you tube videos of several particular beautiful celebrities! Fully clothed. That bothered me. Then I saw video for "hot ____ chicks". Not naked. That confused me. I thought, "wow, random women now?"

When he came home he was pretty sick with a cold, and since I wasnt furious I took care of him and actually forgot about it. As we were looking through movies on our netflix, I saw a movie with one of the celebrities he was looking at online and it reminded me. I confronted him about the celebrities and he was speechless and apologized. Then I asked " and did you actually type in the search engine "hot ____ chicks?" I swear I actually thought he waould say that while he was looking at the celebrities that just came up and he clicked on it. But he told me that he physically typed in "hot ___chicks". I am absolutely devasted. He slept at the dining room table the whole night last night, he was so ashamed and sorry. But I am so angry and hurt I actually am thinking about leaving him.

Am I crazy? In terms of how he treats me as a husband and our relationship, i would give it a 9. Hes wonderful. But now I know hes lusting after random women. I take that as all the reassurances he gave me about my new body were a lie. Maybe hes gone to a strip club. I feel i dont know my husband anymore. and I also know I have a lot of responsibility in this. I should have never let him bring me into this world of porn. It got me sucked in myself some, and now it seems like its turning into more than just one of our sexual tools. I dont trust him anymore.

Im sorry its so very long. Any help?
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Old 6th March 2010, 09:35 AM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Let My Husband look at Porno, Now its Worse

Arliz you have to take some of the blame for this as I read it. It is well known that porn actually works against sexual intimacy rather that improving it. I see it as a kind of mental adultery personally and I have seen it consistently work that way in marriages. If Jesus says that whoever looks at a woman to lust after her has already comitted adultery in his heart then porn must be a modern working out of this process.

Your husband could have even become addicted by now but I hope not. I don't think you are going to have much of a leg to stand on if you watch it yourself but if you can keep clean on it there is more chance you can help him.

The best answer is for both of you to get back to seeking God and knowing the experience of his Holy Spirit. That is the best answer because he is able to prompt you when you are going astray in this case the area of porn. Somehow you may have lost the sensitivity to His spirit which you need to get back.

You will find that your intimacy with each other will increase and I believe God can open your womb as well.

Can I ask if you have been involved in any cultish thing in the past maybe occult, freemasons or something? Just a thought.

Raymond
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Old 6th March 2010, 04:29 PM   #3
ariliz
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Re: Let My Husband look at Porno, Now its Worse

Thanks for the response Raymond. No, we've never been involved in anything cultish or cult-like or anything like that. We're just regular, normal people with some issues i guess. Yes, I definately do recognize that I have to take some of the responsibility in this problem becuase I allowed him to do it all these years to please him mainly, and then I found myself getting into it and liking it recently. We've always had such a great marriage, focused on God, until we lost the baby then everyghing went downhill. We both acknowledge it and we started going to church again regularly about a year ago. But the porn issue stayed, even though I viewed it as kind of the least of our problems. Then last year or so I started to get involved with it myself, I guess because while we have so much love for eachother and we do make love a couple of times a week, the porn did something that sometimes my husband cant do, I guess. I guess the same reason he looks at it. But I've taken myself off of it for as long as 7 or 8 months, and it wasnt difficult for me at all- I forgot about it. But I notice that my husband cant stay away from it for long, so I guess maybe he is addicted. And i contributed because I should have stopped it in teh beginning. What scared me is that fact that I caught him looking for 'hot chicks', not porn, which to me symbolizes that he has eyes for other pretty, regular women-not necessarily porn stars. For the first time I got really jealous because i never thought I would ever have to worry about that. But i brought it all on myself because I allowed it in our marriage when i was 22.

He apologized and gave me a card and was really sorry, but i was still angry and hurt becasue i told him now I dont know if he tried to take this to the next level and maybe meet with people. He looked at me like i was crazy and said he'd never do that, and I believe it I guess. I told him that i definately take some of the responsibilty in this because I got into it with him to please him instead of fighting it. He admitted that he took advantage of me a little because i was so inexperienced and he was so experienced and he convinced me it would make eveything more exciting. I was so stupid. I told him the porn days are absolutely over and i mean it this time. He said he'll 'try his best'. I told him if he keeps it up, Im leaving becaue i will not be an unhappy and jealous wife. Now we're not speaking. Should I have come on so strong?
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Old 6th March 2010, 11:49 PM   #4
Raymond
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Re: Let My Husband look at Porno, Now its Worse

I am glad you have come off of it Ariliz. I think it affects men much worse than women and from my observation it can kill the marriage bed in the end as it diverts the sexual drive away to something else.

I believe it can also cause ED in normal sex as well but that is just my opinion on the grounds that this is pretty common in these situations.

I don't think you have come accross too strong provided you do it in love. He will have a battle on his hands to come clean. He will need all the prayer and counselling he can get. If he wants to come clean with all of his heart he can do it. He may even need a measure of deliverance if you know what that is. If we have given ground to spirits of lust we need to win the ground back.

If he sets his mind to come of of it you need to be there to encourage him. If he has no intention of finishing but just goes underground then there is a big problem.

The other thing I would say is to cultivate your own eroticism within your marriage just between you two. That is the safe way to do it, not looking at and filling one's mind with other peoples performance sex as for a man that can be mental adultery.

I wish you well Arliz. I know that God can give him the strength to see it through if he really wants to.

Raymond
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Old 9th March 2010, 03:22 AM   #5
ariliz
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Join Date: Mar 2010
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Re: Let My Husband look at Porno, Now its Worse

Thank you for the advice Raymond. God is so good, we made up the next day and my husband says it took this to shock him into reality about his problem with porn. I told him I had been in denial about how dangerous this could be if we keep it in our marriage and we also realize we've really strayed from the Lord. He said he's done with this, but he'll still block the sites from the computer (and that wasnt even my idea). I told him I would be there for him because I enabled him and sometimes even laughed about it. We went to church yesterday for the 1st time in a few weeks, and God is so good the pastor asked people to come to the altar who are struggling with addictions and ungodly habits! That cant be just a coincidence; I almost forgot how wonderful God's timing could be. He was prayed over by the pastor and we just left everything at the altar and we rededicated our lives to Christ again. We know that even though now it seems so easy, temptation will come back but he says he's prepared for it and wont go back. And if i want, he'll even go to counseling (just not at our church!)

Anyway, just wanted to give you some good news, and Im reallyglad I found this site. Thanks.
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Old 9th March 2010, 09:24 AM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Let My Husband look at Porno, Now its Worse

Wow that's really great Arliz. That is really God's timing for you.

Yes there may be a battle ahead but God always gives the victory as we look to Him

God bless you both.

Raymond
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