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Old 7th April 2009, 11:42 PM   #1
lotsoftrouble
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Hello...and a bit of advice?

Hi there, new to the forum so just want to say a quick hi!

Also, I have a bit of a dilema, not sure what to make of it! Your help is appreciated!!

ok, where to start... I have had a lot of crappy relationships in the past, so I do find it hard to trust someone, but I can often get it wrong when I do trust someone and they turn out to be a complete ****!!

I started my new job over a year ago, it involves travelling the world and working with lots of guys.

With past experience of relationships, I stand back and take things at a glance, or try to anyway! Back in Jan, I met this guy at work, A lot older than myself, of course I thought he was just being nice, but it turned out he wanted more. One night we were out on the town and we both got drunk, he ended up coming back to my Bunk where things got a little steamy to say the least. There was an incident that made me belive that maybe he was separated, but maybe it was because he hadnt done that in a while?!?!

He told me he was separated from the wife (there was a few times at work he still reffered to her as the wife!!), as far as I can make out he has 3 kids, 1 lass 2 boys. He "lives" with his mum (strange as he earns enough to buy his own place but hey!) but we cant go back to his mums and have to stay at a hotel if we were to meet up!!!!!! So I thought fine. He kept contacting me and speaking to me when I returned for my time off, he was still at work. Everynight we would talk. There was one time they were heading into town again, so I told him to call me, but he said his (NEW) phone was broken so wouldnt be able to call!!

Ok I thought fair enough, my new phone broke too a few weeks after I got it.

Then he returned home, by this time I was back at work again, I saw him briefly during the swap out! I kept in contact, but he was very irregular with the replies (whether he is no good with at the internet at home, I dont know!) SO i asked for his mobile number, still no luck, never replied to THAT message!!

He was called out to another work place while I was away, and told me that he would return soon (this was the truth, I have means and ways of finding out info!!)

He is home again now, he contacted me a few times yesterday, but I was busy with one thing or another, so missed his messages, but he wasnt online today (I thought he would have been as he is off and really wants to meet with me!!)

Ok, so do you think he is still married? I.E living with the wife? If I find out he has lied to me, and he is still married (I really feel for his wife if he is) he will seriously pay, Im not one to be messed about with.

I'm not out to cause trouble, please and dont think of me as a bad person, it is him that is lying to me, if he actually is lying of course, and I am the one (and the wife) being led astray by this man!

Advice is most welcome, be brutal, Im back at work next week and he is going to be there!!!
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Old 7th April 2009, 11:51 PM   #2
Sheila
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 81
Re: Hello...and a bit of advice?

Hi

Im sorry, I probably shouldnt be replying to this as it may not be what you want to hear.
Lying or not, is this the kind of relationship you want....dont you deserve more than that? Dont we all?
I cant give you any advice but just ask yourself the question.
Do you think he is lying?
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Old 8th April 2009, 08:03 AM   #3
lotsoftrouble
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Re: Hello...and a bit of advice?

I'm Not sure, my head is so messed up I cant tell fact from fiction anymore!!

I heard from some guys at work that things are a bit tough at home and he has been volunteering to work away a lot!! he done 6 wks, 2 wks home, 3wks away he is just home and is away a week today!!

he hasnt lied to me about being away to work, i know that (I found out from one of the guys he was away!!)

Im Just so confused!
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Old 8th April 2009, 08:40 AM   #4
rppearso
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Re: Hello...and a bit of advice?

I highly doubt he is back with his wife but it sounds like he is just looking for a friends with benifits (FWB). When I separated from my ex I found women who were like this as well, you would see them like once a week when THEY wanted to get laid and that did not work for me (because I wanted it almost daily ). I would not get too worked up about it, just recognize it for what it is and move on. What ever you do dont get jaded about all this because you will meet a guy that wants to actually spend time with you and wants more and you dont want to be nasty with him just because some guys in the past were looking for a FWB and were not upfront about it. Maybe after the first date or something you should get his email and create a laundry list of "deal breakers" and converse back and forth so the next date you go on you will know where each of you stand so you are not wasting time dating for months trying to figure this stuff out and not having awkward conversations on the second date in person about sex practices, money, future kids, etc even though thoes are super important to be in alignment with. I liked craigslist you can get all the awkward stuff out of the way in one shot and she can either delete your email or respond and set up a date and that way you are getting what you want and then all you have to worry about is if there favorite color is different than yours and not if the guy lives in there basement with there mom or there sex practices are limited to missionary once a week lol or if they have been sexually abused as a child, you have to weed out the crazies who have there head in a cloud. I met my girlfriend on craigslist and have never been happier.

[quote=lotsoftrouble;43826]I'm Not sure, my head is so messed up I cant tell fact from fiction anymore!!

I heard from some guys at work that things are a bit tough at home and he has been volunteering to work away a lot!! he done 6 wks, 2 wks home, 3wks away he is just home and is away a week today!!

he hasnt lied to me about being away to work, i know that (I found out from one of the guys he was away!!)

Im Just so confused![/quote]

Last edited by rppearso; 8th April 2009 at 08:52 AM.
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Old 9th April 2009, 12:51 AM   #5
Ageing Grace
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 738
Re: Hello...and a bit of advice?

I think you are far from top priority for him. In that respect, it barely matters whether he's married or what.

It sounds as though your working life makes it difficult to create & build relationships. This might make you vulnerable to reading more into things than are there. What you have here is a VERY casual, friends-with-benefits, type of deal. If you're hoping for more than that, don't go out (or to bed) with him again.

On the other hand, if you're OK with convenience sex and no relationship, carry on as you are and the wife situation will clarify itself soon enough. But I don't think you are content with that, or you wouldn't be posting about it.

So my advice is to knock it on the head. If you keep hoping, you'll get hurt.

Wishing you better luck next time!
AG
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Old 9th April 2009, 05:05 PM   #6
1aokgal
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Re: Hello...and a bit of advice?

LotsofTrouble..

I'm amazed that you seem to be a woman of the world..work in a mans' world..and you don't get it. You are nothing to him or any other man you work with but a challenge and an objective. You are probably now on a "bet list" or for sure a conversation piece. Whatever could you be thinking?

NEVER mix alcohol with men with whom you work. Never mix buddying up. You are no buddy..you are a woman and available game for hunting. Smarten up before you lose your job....because they will keep HIM and not you, if it gets sticky. You probably already got a heck of a reputation as a "pushover." Remove yourself from the male conversations that don't involve work and gather your wits about you.

You were very out of line. He, on the other hand, did what all men do in that situation go get an easy objective. Never have another private conversation with him. Never open up the subject with him which should be neither discussed nor revisited. Get your socialization elsewhere, not at work, and be a bit more discreet.

Dosen't it bother you that you behaved just the way these men think women behave? Gosh almighty, can't you keep it together?

Yes, I know what I am talking about. I always was the only woman working with power men. That is where the money is good. They always have one hand on the zipper in hopes. You have to be smarter and terrifically in self control and never even get into the off color stories in your hearing. You are NOT one of the boys, but one of the girls. If you want to make it in a mans' world you have to be one step more careful than anyone there.

Try again, and use your head. Give that guy a wide distance. I bet he told anyone who listened what a great lover he is. Don't be so dumb in future.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 26th April 2009 at 03:44 AM.
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Old 9th April 2009, 07:02 PM   #7
clockwork orange
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Re: Hello...and a bit of advice?

Good advice - from another who knows.
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Old 10th April 2009, 06:58 PM   #8
rppearso
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Re: Hello...and a bit of advice?

Shakes head, this is a FWB relationship, your not going to loose your job over it unless your having sex in your/his office. "power men", "games for hunting", lol most guys are just horny. Did you get fired from somewhere because you were being a wierdo 1aokgal. If you start treating this guy like he is an evil "power man" or "wild animal" you will loose your job, im not saying you should maintain the FWB relationship but dont start acting like a wierdo, be personable, talk to people, if you start acting like a cold fridged bit*h to ward off the evil "power men" your going to get canned. Dont stop going to the social functions or having a few drinks, I assume you got to this position because your smart and im sure you can handle going out and having a few drinks without your pants falling off unless of course thats what you want, no one is going to shame you for it your on the road just as much as they are and its difficult to maintain real relationships that way, of course FWB relationships ultimatly will not fulfill what you are looking for, so you have to ask your self is the money worth it to forgo a normal relationship? With every post 1aokgal writes she shows more and more she is a feminist man hater. Guys are guys, just like women are women, there are warm hearted women and there are fridged bit*hs just like there are good guys and nasty a** holes, just because the 2 of you were in a FWB situation does not make him a nasty a** hole it just makes him a guy, now if he gossips to his friends about you in a negitive way and tries to smear your reputation that puts him in the nasty a**hole catagory, im sure you are smart enough to tell the difference before you sleep with them.

[quote=1aokgal;43882]LotsofTrouble..

I'm amazed that you seem to be a woman of the world..work in a mans' world..and you don't get it. You are nothing to him or any other man you work with but a challenge and an objective. You are probably now on a "bet list" or for sure a conversation piece. Whatever could you be thinking?

NEVER mix alcohol with men with whom you work. Never mix buddying up. You are no buddy..you are a woman and available game for hunting. Smarten up before you lose your job....because they will keep HIM and not you, if it gets sticky. You probably already got a heck of a reputation as a "pushover." Remove yourself from the male conversations that don't involve work and gather your wits about you.

You were very out of line. He, on the other hand, did what all men do in that situation go get an easy objective. Never have another private conversation with him. Never open up the subject with him which should be neither discussed nor revisited. Get your socialization elsewhere, not at work, and be a bit more discreet.

Dosen't it bother you that you behaved just the way these men think women behave? Gosh almighty, can't you keep it together?

Yes, I know what I am talking about. I always was the only woman working with power men. That is where the money is good. They always have one hand on the zipper in hopes. You have to be smarter and terrifically in self control and never even get into the off color stories in your hearing. You are NOT one of the boys, but one of the girls. If you want to make it in a mans' world you have to be one step more careful than anyone there.

Try again, and use yor head. Give that guy a wide distance. I bet he told anyone who listened what a great lover he is. Don't be so dumb in future.[/quote]
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Old 13th April 2009, 02:26 AM   #9
Hilary
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 78
Re: Hello...and a bit of advice?

LotsofTrouble..

You have been given some good advice from others who have been in your sort of world.

But I can see that if you did do as they suggest and totally give him up you are still stuck with your original problem - having a history or bad relationships and finding it hard to trust.

Might I suggest that you do some personal work on yourself. Stop focussing on getting a partner to love you (yes I know its nice) but learn to love and respect yourself first. Then you won't get involved with jerks - you'll respect yourself too much for that. Then look carefully for the type of man who you really want - but you will only be attractive to him if you have a strong sense of yourself and are not needy.

You give an indication of being very strong, you say "Im not one to be messed about with".
1AOK gals advice is sound. I say give up worrying if he is lying - the way he is treating you - as someone to pick up and put down as he wills - he will lie if it makes his life easier, or at least be very flexible with how he interprets the truth. If you are strong enough to "not be messed with" then you are strong enough to be more respectful of yourself and stop letting yourself be messed around with a user. you deserve better than that.

If you are working in a mans world, then do you have a reasonable income with it? If so then I strongly suggest that you put some of it into self development. Go to counselling and sort out your relationship issues. Or splurge out and go to something like Anthony Robbins date with destiny course. I have lots of friends who have done lots of courses and they recommend his as the best. It really changes lives. And you meet lots of really nice people there. Just a thought.
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