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Old 9th April 2009, 08:46 PM   #1
Brotan
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Back together

My husband and I are back together again after 7,5 months separated. I won't say it has been easy - either the separation or getting back together but we are working towards a lifelong committment and a much happier marriage and I feel if we see it that way then the hiccups that come will not seem so bad.

I know there are a lot of people struggling on here and in some ways want to provide some hope for people. That being said our story is far from over and there is a huge amount of work still to be done.

For those separated at the moment this is what worked for me up to now:

Belief in God
Prayer
Patience (I wasn't the most patient but have definitely learnt to wait more)
A strong desire to continue the marriage even when it seemed pointless and beyond saving
Getting on with my own life while separated but still remaining married in my heart while doing so
A relatively strong support system who despite everything have remained a support even now I have gone back
Counselling (after 3 tries at counselling and numerous prayers about this we have found someone we are both happy in - this is a long story here - do not give up on counselling just because your partner seems to not want it or when it seems impossible to get hold of)

The first days back have been rather awkward - it has not been like having a honeymoon again - far from it, but at the same time we have had some very good moments together - we are trying to communicate better and consider our partner more than we did before. We are working right now on establishing a routine that works for us and our daughter and setting up the house we are on so we can feel at home and like a married couple again.

I hope I can update this with positive things in the future.
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Old 9th April 2009, 09:35 PM   #2
JWD
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Re: Back together

aw that lovely. So pleased for you both. You stay positive. You so deserve this.

x
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Old 9th April 2009, 10:22 PM   #3
Ageing Grace
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Re: Back together

Thank you for posting, Brotan. It's good to hear from you.

Good luck to you both!

AG x
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Old 10th April 2009, 12:05 AM   #4
dave123
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Re: Back together

In my opinion i think it takes more effort to make it work than to move on, so good luck and i hope you both find happiness and fulfillment together.

It's really good to have a thread like this on here too! ;-)
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Old 10th April 2009, 07:00 AM   #5
georgie
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Re: Back together

It certainly is harder to work things out, but the pay off is also so much greater B - I wish you all the very best.
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Old 10th April 2009, 07:51 PM   #6
Brotan
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Re: Back together

Third day back today and the routine is getting more manageable. Still have things to sort out around the house and will probably have for quite some time to come. We are spending Easter with the inlaws which I am a little stressed about but it should be ok and we are going to pick up some of the things that we left behind when we separated (they got moved from our original house to the inlaws house when our house was rented out)

While certain issues keep coming up that remind us of the hurts before we split, we have so far managed to address them reasonably well and without fighting and staying reasonably assertive I think. I have learnt to take time to myself, my husband has learnt to be less afraid of conflict. Yes, it is a ton of work to save a marriage and its going to be up and down for a while yet. Partly I just have to remain positive and remind myself of all the good moments each day and there are plenty.
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Old 10th April 2009, 07:56 PM   #7
jkk
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Posts: 85
Re: Back together

Hi stay positive,

i know it's so difficult, i'm going through it, at times it so hard,

hopefully it will be worth it!!!

fingers crossedXXXXXXXXXXXX

i could do with some faith

JKK
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Old 11th April 2009, 07:58 PM   #8
Ageing Grace
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Re: Back together

All the best, Brotan, and happy Easter to all your extended family!

What you & your husband are doing reminds me of my time in the Priory, in that each of you is following their own path to greater self-understanding - together, and in parallel.
Obviously I wasn't married to any of my 'classmates' so there is a whole new layer added to your journey. In terms of learning from one another, learning together and learning individually, though - I imagine it's quite similar. A tricky path to follow, but immensely worthwhile.

Major respect And love & good wishes, of course!
AG
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Old 11th April 2009, 09:00 PM   #9
clockwork orange
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Re: Back together

All the best to you both!! It is tricky, will always be a ton of work, with lots of ups and downs - but oh so worth it when you both want it to work.

Good luck and God bless
CO
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Old 12th April 2009, 07:35 PM   #10
Brotan
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Re: Back together

This is very hard sometimes. We had quite a day today so I am probably just tired and emotional - my daughter has caught a virus that has her very sore and cranky and extremely clingy so that is draining me - we had her at A&E today, but there isn't much we can do except wait it out and it could take a week or two.

We also went to the inlaws for lunch and brought back some of our things which had been stored there - unpacking those things has been really hard. Firstly they are just stuff and I haven't needed them for ages and to be honest could probably live without most of them now. What really got to me though was unpacking baby clothes that no longer fit my daughter and knowing my husband just packed them up - why didn't he fetch us? Why did he just run away and then leave us to run (and I feel like we had to run... there were so few options at the time)

I am lonely now. I left all my support back where we stayed the last 7 months and I've really seen no one since we got back together except my daughter and husband. I know I need my own support but its so hard to come by.

Sometimes doing the right thing is so hard. Other than what I wrote above today hasn't been too bad - we had an Easter egg hunt with our daughter and lunch with the inlaws went fine and I didn't feel as awkward as I might have. In some ways its just been a really long day and I could do with a hug and cuddle, but my husband and I are not there yet... and I keep wondering if we ever will be.
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Old 13th April 2009, 12:02 AM   #11
yogamad
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Re: Back together

It's still early days for you guys yet, things are going well at the moment, so just take each day as it comes. He wants to be with you, you're living together again and that is the main thing. I'm sure the hugs will eventually come back. Maybe you should do what I did and just kiss him one day, he may be pleased that you made the effort. Unfortunately for me, we've gone back a step again, but I'm hoping that things will get better again.

I wish you all the best.
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Old 13th April 2009, 02:42 AM   #12
Hilary
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Re: Back together

Take it easy Brotan. As Yogamad says, it is early days. Be gentle on yourself, accept yourself, who you are, where you are and why you think you are the way you are.

Now in little ways, take charge of your life. What will improve your quality of life today? If you need social contact then write to us here, or find real people to talk to. Take the little bits of contact where you can - give an extra smile to others in the street when you go shopping. Pause to let someone go in front and give them a little comment about the day. Have a few words with someone elderly or in worse need than yourself. It won't fill the aching gaps but it will make them a little smaller.

What else can you do to improve the quality of your life? Start with the tiny things and work up from there. Then when you've done the tiny things, then tell yourself how proud of yourself you are. See how much you can enjoy each moment - moment by moment throughout the day.

Go well.
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Old 13th April 2009, 10:06 AM   #13
Raymond
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Re: Back together

That's good advice Hilary. Yogamad is right also Brotan. It is early days. The adjustment must be tremendous, but you will make a new life for yourself. I am sure of that. I hope you are both getting fellowship as well. That is important.

I would say be careful of getting negative thoughts from the past that can blight the present. This is a new beginning. You have both been to the counseling and are on the first steps of a new future. You owe it to him to forgive and forget the past and not to drag it up as you would want him to do for you.

Raymond
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Old 13th April 2009, 02:55 PM   #14
Brotan
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Re: Back together

Thanks - Hilary I think you are right about taking small steps - the Easter weekend has kind of put a stop to some of the things I wanted to get organised which in some ways has been positive and in other ways has left me a bit frustrated (public holidays slow things down a bit)

Today has been pretty positive for us and I think we are feeling a bit more comfortable about things. My husband is working hard at communicating and I am working hard at not breaking that down. I think I also need to realise that things will be up and down.

I am planning on getting out tomorrow and trying to find a group where my daughter and I can go (have looked on the internet and found a lot of groups I could go to although need to make decisions financially as well as they are all pretty expensive and we cannot really afford them) Feeling a bit more positive today at least - thanks for the advice.
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Old 17th April 2009, 08:19 PM   #15
Brotan
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Re: Back together

Day 9 together now and life has settled down quite a bit. Its still very up and down at times and I think working on ourselves individually does mean that there is some withdrawal from each other at the time.

I have found some groups to go to and phoned a few old friends who I will see next week and my husband goes out to see his friends so we are getting enough time apart too. I have written a CV and will start looking for work next week and my husband is still looking for work too which is why we are with each other quite a lot but it has given us time to spend some good moments together.

While emotionally I am a bit all over the place, I am working on staying positive and am actually feeling pretty positive right now. The counselling has been extended a week so at least we have that support for now too (though it is quite difficult to continue to deal with these issues while spending time together)
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