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Old 2nd September 2009, 09:38 AM   #1
912jws
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Angry 2nd split is much worse than the last

Well when my wife and I got back together over Christmas after a 11mth split of which she had 2 boyfriends which I was not happy about. When we got back together I was hoping we could put the effort in(especially her) and make things right this time, I asked her what is going to stop this from happening again and she said she(we) would not allow it to happen again, especially for the kids as she would not have asked me back.
Anyway it's not been entirely easy over the last several months purely as I am always looking for effort from her to boost my confidence in the relationship so I know she wants it to work as much as I do, this is what you get for affairs and something she doesn't always understand.
Fast forward to late June for our anniversary and things seemed to be going ok although I did struggle to write the card thinking I can't say it's been a great 8 years of marraige given what she has put me through over this period on and off but I have always known I have loved her and just wanted her to feel the same way, she even done a lovely photo montage of us and the kids in a heart shape as a present which I thought was very thoughtful.
Fast forward to mid July and she has changed, shut up shop so to speak, going out a bit more and I am left thinking something is wrong, you get used it after a while, she can't give me any real reasons except it's not working, I tell her I am not really happy purely because of the effort she puts in towards me, there is not much TLC, it's aways me that initiates stuff in all areas and if you don't get that back it makes you wonder if they feel the same way. I tell her this and the money situation with her spending above her means doesn't help either. From my perspective though this is all fixable, I love her, she could give a bit more TLC, is it that hard and with the money we can cut back and stop spending.
Another 2 weeks pass and she is out a fair bit and with my shift pattern at work we don't see each other much, so much so that at the start of August she emails me at work saying it's over which I find nice after 8 year of marraige. I must admit the last 4 weeks since that email have been **** emotionally for me, a week after that email she asks me to leave, we live in a rented property which i thought was joint tenancy(obviously not) as a week later after spending a couple of nights away to give her some space I return to find 3 of her work colleagues there and my bags packed and locks changed I am angry and calm and say how could she treat me like this, I had agreed to leave but thought staying in the spare room would be ok for a few weeks whilst I found a suitable house to live in but no she says I need to go.
So I have been living out of a suitcase for the last few weeks staying with friends/family which has not been easy as try to look for a new house 70 miles away from where I want to be is difficult/costly and time consuming.
Last week she sends yet another email saying she has been seeing a guy from work over the last few weeks(yeah right, it's not entirely a surprise but hurts all the same), says I must be respectful to children and not to be hurtful with any comments etc.
Divorce paperwork is being sent yet again, I guarantee she will be going for unreasonable behaviour yet again so it will be interesting to see what she makes up this time given all the crap she has put me through recently.
Anyway I pick the kids up on Monday and this new guy is staying round the house already(in her bed) on the first weekend of meeting the kids I am absolutely livid as it's not on, you don't introduce people in this way to children, especially when I only left the house a few weeks back and half my stuff is still dotted around the property.
I phone her up to say I disapprove of her etiquette and that she has picked a decent guy, because anybody that can have an affair behind someone elses back and stay in the same bed the same weekend he meets my kids is obviously a decent bloke that shows he has respect for the situation that's going on.
She is even taken the him and the kids on a break out of term time(another thing I am not happy about) with him, our au-pair and a couple who are her friends, according to the kids she is not taking him to meet the parents even though she is visiting them at the same time.
I think the hardest thing to take in as to how someone can do this to a person they said they loved several weeks back and to someone that has always been there for her, been 100% faithfull and is a genuine decent guy/decent father.
Although this hurts big time, it also angers me more so in that it makes me think I am rid of her, looking back into my relationship recently has made me realise she has treated me badly over the years and I deserve better, this is final this time as far as I am concerned, it's not going to be an easy rest of the year for me but I can now focus with getting on with my life yet again, I must admit I am pissed off that she asked me back last year as I would not be feeling this way now but hopefully it will make me stronger in the long run
Sorry guys I just needed to offload, I know it's the right place to do so

Wish me luck this time round

Jon
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Old 2nd September 2009, 01:19 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: 2nd split is much worse than the last

Sounds a very hard woman to me. You are certainly better of without her and yes you deserve someone better. I hope you kids will be okay and that you will still see them.

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Old 2nd September 2009, 07:51 PM   #3
crush
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Re: 2nd split is much worse than the last

Sorry things have not worked out for you 912jws but maybe after all the upset and emotional distress it is now time for you to finally move on. Like you my h moved straight into ow house who has 3 young children. Unfortunately, they don't see any wrong in what they are doing or the psychological damage done to the kids. Ow should have taken it slowly, he had only been seeing her for around 6 weeks apparantly. But then it says an awful lot about her too, she knew he was married with 3 children of his own. They have no respect for what they do to you, I know this to be true and it is an awful realisation they are not the person you loved.

Obviously only time will tell with each situation but hopefully we will all become a lot stronger and a so much deserving of better people. They will lose in the end they always do, what goes around comes around and because of what they have done the trust for each other is lost and this makes their relationships so much harder.
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Old 4th September 2009, 11:07 AM   #4
912jws
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Question Re: 2nd split is much worse than the last

I know you are right Raymond and I know I am the better person, i just wish it didn't hurt so much, hopfeully in time I will be fine, I just wish she hadn't asked me back at Christmas as I would be in a different place now.
I also found out from this guy is meeting the parents after all I just can't believe how she can do this all so quickly
I had a moan today about my little'uns birthday party in a couple of weeks and said out of respect for my feelings that this guy is not there, I also asked her not to lead the kids along, as apparently the guy is just a friend(sleeping in her bed), not going to be a stepfather(could be?) and only staying there until the little break they are having at the end of the month(of course), naturally I got slated back for talking to the kids about the other man and its my fault they are confused I even wonder if he has been kicked out by his missus as I can't fathom out why some single guy(possibly has no children) can move straight in with someone else children and I have not officially moved my stuff out yet!

Crush - like you say for 2 people to cheat behind peoples backs means there will eventually be a lack of trust somewhere down the line, I hope you and I are in better places sometime soon, it's a shame as I was up until November last year, I am having a de ja vu moment now

look afteryourself!

Jon
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Old 4th September 2009, 11:39 AM   #5
JWD
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Re: 2nd split is much worse than the last

That is very cruel indeed to do this a second time to both your and the children. She doesn't sound like she could respect anyone when she shows so little respect for herself. Maybe you will just have to look at it from the point of view that you've now had a second chance to be rid of her. I can't begin to imagine how difficult it must be when children are involved. I'd be so bitter that I don't think I could help myself from bad mouthing them. I just don't get the selfishness and cruelty of some people. How can they toy around with people like this? I'll never understand it (thankfully) and I realise what a waste of energy it is even trying. It has no effect on them because they just can see or don't care what they do as long as they get their little bit of excitment at the expense of everyone else around them.

I imagine it must take so much self control to be the 'better person' and not bad mouth her in front of the kids but you will benefit form it eventually no matter how many years it may take. I think patience is the key and just don't get into the frame of mind where you torture yourself form what you could have done differently.

And you're right, you will become so much more stronger as a person. Water find it's own level and you will meet someone far more worthy of your attention.

Take care Jon and keep posting if you need to vent
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Old 4th September 2009, 12:44 PM   #6
912jws
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Thumbs up Re: 2nd split is much worse than the last

Thanks JWD, I need to vent at the moment as I am very stressed out with everything
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Old 4th September 2009, 12:57 PM   #7
Raymond
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Re: 2nd split is much worse than the last

Keep an eye on your children jws. The highest sexual abuse comes from stepfathers. I'm not saying this is a problem as well but keep an eye on this aspect long term, not to add to your present worries.

I would cut off from it all if you can, apart from the children. It obviously won't last but don't be concerned about it or their downfall. Forget them for your health's sake.

Raymond
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Old 8th September 2009, 02:29 AM   #8
912jws
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Question Re: 2nd split is much worse than the last

Well my wife has told me she has booked my littl'uns party and the new fella will be there, apparently she feels that she shouldn't have to hide him everytime I am in the vacinity and wants to create a stable norm for the kids. The fact that I have not seen her/him since this all happened says it all really!
But this wasn't my point when I spoke to her last week, purely out of respect to me I didn't want him around for this party so now I am going to have to summon up the courage to spend 2 hours with wife and new fella and look happy
I can't beleive the nerve of them especially as other parents will be there who know me quite well and probably think what the f**k has gone on in between the school holidays

A tricky day ahead me thinks
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Old 8th September 2009, 03:40 AM   #9
Johnee S
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Re: 2nd split is much worse than the last

I'm afraid of responding I will sound to cruel and too mad for you. I know what your goign through. I have reaffirmed my stance with my situation regarding my Ex, if she can't afford to care for the house and kids, then she can go fend for herself until she can proove to me she can take care of the expenses here. It is just easier for her to leave rather then me, she makes half what I make and blows it on herself and drinking.

She has made no effort whatsoever to improve her income earning nor will she from what I am seeing. She can try for court but she knows she's going to loose based on her behaviour and attitude towards not only our relationship but to outr kids in particular. She knows she handed me all the Aces in the deck and she has screwed herself silly. I am still understanding but I think it's time for me to ask her to get out now. She can stay elsewhere and drive our youngest (5) to school in the AM and they can stay at the Boys and Girls club after school until i get home from work that way I can pick them up.

I would have been fine with getting my own place but I know deep down the kids would suffer in the long run; she would focus on her wsocial life rather then her kids because that's how she has always been. her social life > kids and earning more income. She has no concept of budgeting and I am confident in saying I am happy she and I are done even though it still hurts, I know in my own mind it's better for the kids and myself in the long term. I hope one day she will figure things out and grow up but sadly she is 36 pretending to be 20....
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Old 8th September 2009, 03:46 AM   #10
Johnee S
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Re: 2nd split is much worse than the last

I feel for you more then you can know, I did not go through your situation quite as bad, but 3 years ago we seperated for 4 months, she got her friends to help me leave if you catch my drift, the kids were out with In-laws and once her "friends" tried to put their hands on me in my own home, they quickly regretted doing so and left once I released the both of them from presure point locks on their wrists.

I said to her, are you serious? You actually have to pull such a low tactic against me, of all people? I said to her have I ever laid a finger on you, she responded no, have I ever threatened your life or well being ever? She said no, I asked her have I ever given you any reason to suspect I would get physical with you? She replied again, no. Long story short she was cohersed by her supposed friends they wanted to help her. Good job they did there, one had 2 cracked bones in his wrist from being dumb enough to try and hit me with a candle stick in the back of the head, while the other only suffered bruising on his wrist.

They both apologized and said they only wanted to protect my Wife from me, but they also knew i would never harm her like that. They admitted it was dumb and they deserved what they got. Good for them.

You must fight for the kids, she is not worthy of them and you know it. Don't give into her games because that's what she's doing, make her leave and she can be with him in his workld, don't give up your life for her, she is not worth spit.
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Old 8th September 2009, 07:38 PM   #11
huting
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Re: 2nd split is much worse than the last

Your wife has been unfair to you about your childs birthday, sort of rubbing your face in it. You could take a relative of yours to go so you won't be on your own,or you could plan your own party for your son that way he has 2 and you don't have to go at all. Hold your. Head up high, she is wrong not u, keep smiling even though your dying on the inside.
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Old 8th September 2009, 10:26 PM   #12
912jws
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Thumbs up Re: 2nd split is much worse than the last

Thanks for the reply guys

Thinking about it, I don't want to cause a scene or feel like a lemon so I will do something with both my kids afterwards, I thinks thats the best option not that I like giving her the satisfaction

Jon
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Old 9th September 2009, 08:07 AM   #13
huting
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Re: 2nd split is much worse than the last

Good idea as long as u explain to your child before that your going to do something after with them,something special, like the party is mommy time and after is daddy time, hopefully u get what I'm waffling on about, just as long as your child knows its nothing to do with him.
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Old 10th September 2009, 04:58 AM   #14
Ageing Grace
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Re: 2nd split is much worse than the last

I'm sorry you're going through all this again. You must feel like some handbag she fetches out of the cupboard a few times a year!

You've made the wise choice about the birthday party - there would be nothing to gain, except the world's biggest headache, by being there. It's important you explain it to the children - simply and honestly. They'll be getting an extra birthday out of it, so I should think that'll be good news at least.

Try to remember all the good things about yourself! You need to keep some sort of self-worth going while you look for a place to live. I hope your friends are taking good care of you.

Wishing you the best of luck (and that doesn't mean getting your wife back!!)
AG
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Old 12th September 2009, 12:17 PM   #15
912jws
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Re: 2nd split is much worse than the last

Well i spent the day packing my stuff at the house yesterday, not a nice experience packing my stuff for the second time in less than 18 months and seeing some of this guys stuff around, he's obviously there on a more permanent basis than my wife lets on to my kids as he's had his mail redirected and bought a lovely surround TV package for the living room, she's obviously teaching him well on how to spend his money Good luck to them both
On a seperate note for the party, a couple of the mums that I know at school who know the situation have supported me in going to the party and will stand in my corner so I don't have to feel out of place, they also said that I should go to make a stand of defiance as she probably expects me not to go.
So now that I know I have a bit more support I will put on a brave face and try not to diss the happy couple in front of friends.
Rumours have it that she even took him on a school run which is extremely brave of her/him, she's acting as if nothing can touch her I guess only time will tell.
One bonus this weekend is that I have the kids which is nice although both of them are confused as my little girl keeps trying to convince me/herself that new man is just a friend and my little boy is getting very cuddly/wanting affection which I give him in bundles but this is precisely the reason I am seriously pi$$ed off with the way she has done this
My little boy even stirred in the middle of the night so I gave him a cuddle and he told me he loved me which was really nice but also sad as I not always there for him in person and didn't choose to put him/them in this position
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