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Old 7th February 2010, 11:26 AM   #46
sean1234
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Re: My wife has left after !* years please help me

Quote:
Originally Posted by luce View Post
I am so sorry that you are going through this Sean.
Thanksyou two. Woke up this morning very down. Seems to be getting harder for me since I'm having no contact. Missing her terribly.after 4 months I thought it would be easier and I have had my days but the last week has been awful and I find myself slipping back to being tired all the time and crying alot to myself. She is so nasty when we do talk and that hurts so much. I know she is hurting because of the kids and she blames this on me. I thioght by texting her all the time she would see how much I care and want to save our marriage but it seems to have had the opposite effect. If I'd left her alone I think she would have thought that I didn't care at all so I don't think I could win either way. She said I've wasted my life but u think that is her saying she has wasted hers. I've brought up 2 healthy lovely boys and I don't think that is a waste. I really think your right about her being depressed but she won't do anything about it. I've mentioned councilling and she laughed at me. I'm having councilling, taking anti depressants, going to the gym so I am trying but life without her is unbearable for me.she said il burn in hell for what I've done to the children which has really hurt me as since she's been gone I am trying so hard to do everything for them. I'm supporting them financially as she hasn't given them a penny since she left. I want them to see her so much as I know they need there mum.it's not like it's doing me any good them not seeing her, plus I could do with the help. They can be hard work at times. She brings up do much from the past that I have to rack my brain to remember as it was so long long ago. Just little things but they obviously bothered her and she said nothing.I'm lost as to what to do but I really want to see her.
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Old 7th February 2010, 12:55 PM   #47
koliver0821
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Re: My wife has left after !* years please help me

Sean- Im in the same boat with you my man. I mean, at first, I could actually see some anger in my wife about our situation. I know it seems odd, but I just took all the blame. When she gave it to me, I told she was right. Scarier to me was that I really did believe I was the issue. That I was the failure in our marriage. It went on like this for 2-3 weeks.

During that time, I wasn't truly separated. My wifes schedule for work meant I had to be at the house. During which time I was with the kids and cleaning around the house like heck. I kept telling her How much I loved her and really started talking to her about my insecurities. I also let her know how special she was. Not in just words, but I tried to make her feel how special she was to me. That probably had the biggest effect.

My wife also said she didnt blame me. However, each time, I made it my fault. She wouldn't have done that if I hadnt done this. etc. In truth, it was killing me inside. But what it was also doing was showing her how much I loved her. Finally, 4 weeks after all this started, she admitted to an affair. I thoght for sure that would kill me, but the strangest thing happened. I even talked to my wife about it last night. I hugged her. and Kissed her on the lips. (ok maybe 2 minutes of shock before that happened LOL) And in that moment, i asked one basic question. Is it over? She said its been over for awhile. It changed my life hearing about the affair. mainly because I could see something in my wife that was causing her pain. I could see things leading up to the holidays and I told her the same. My wife stopped doing the things she really enjoyed. She was tired all the time. I used to take it personally (still do a little) but I thought she didnt want to spend time with me. Actually part of that is true. She didnt want to spend that time with me. I know I wanted to spend that time with her.

The best thing I can say to you is read about depression and supporting people that are depressed. I told my wife that Im there for her.

I do have a question for you. And maybe it was in some of the earlier post. Family history stuff actually. Did either of you have alcoholism in your family? Come from a family with divorce or depression? Do either of you have problems with your parents?
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Old 7th February 2010, 04:32 PM   #48
sean1234
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Re: My wife has left after !* years please help me

When we were first together her mum and dad were going through divorce. Her mum cheated on her dad and he was violent. She has said to my dons she is scared of me which I can't understand as I have never laid a hand on her or my children. I have said to her I'm not your dad and I under any circumstances would never hit a women. While they were going through divorce we said we would never do this to our kids. I said this to her and she said maybe that's the difference between me and you. She was the same age as my eldest when her mum and dad had the bad times and she always resented them for it. As for alcohlism, my mum died aged 48 an alcoholic. It took just 5 years to kill her. She started drinking when her mother died. I stopped drinking when mine died. I don't think I ever really dealt with her death you know. One of the things my wife said to me was that I didn't even drink and we never argued. I just don't understand her. 3 weeks before she left we were away in Devon together. I asked her why she acted like she did down there ie. Making love in the beach , walking everywhere hand in hand going on long clifftop walks together. She said that's what married couples do isn't it. It really hurts as I'm left with these memories of us together. She was laughing her head off down there. We saw old couples hand in hand and she said that is what we will be like when we are old. I just can't take it. I'm so depressed. I just miss my family together so much. I don't know if I'm strong enough for this I really don't
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Old 7th February 2010, 04:39 PM   #49
sean1234
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Re: My wife has left after !* years please help me

Oh forgot to mention the day before my mother died my aunt commuted suicide by jumping in front of a train. I know , I struggle to believe this too. She was 64 years old married to a barrister and was a very strong women. To this day nobody knows why she dud it. I was meant to identify the body , that morning I got a phone call telling me mum had been taken to hospital. She died that evening. I had two funerals in a week. It's funny but what I am going through now feels 100 times worse than what I went through before. I suppose she was my rock and I just feel lost without her. She has not been heartbroken or had any deaths in her immediate family.
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Old 7th February 2010, 05:10 PM   #50
Johnee S
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Re: My wife has left after !* years please help me

Ok Sean, You want some advice, allow me to offer some tough love to you because you seriously need it my friend. The following are things you must do for yourself first, then for your kids. Screw everyone else they do not matter at the moment. Don't drop them all just focus on you and your boys!

1. Get you're butt into a gym and start working out, you benefit with emotional release. You're body anf mind will feel much better for it, which has the added bonus of you emotionally fel better. best of all you get in better shape and often imptrove other areas in your life such as your diet.

2. Do some hobbies you've always wanted to do, but made the excuses you are too busy, or too involved with this or that. Well guess what bud, no more excuses.

3. Stop feeling depressed and sorry for yourself. This does not get you're woman back so stop being a whimp and take control of your emotional content.

4. Read a lot of books on things you feel you personally need to improve on for yourself. Example if you have been meglectful of your Wife, Pop is calling you out on how you should have seen this coming, you need to take a step back and challenge yourself with what he ment by this. Don't get into it with him and don't psyco analize yourself to death either.

5. Take better care of your boys, make sure they know they can come to you and talk with you in times of need. don't insult their mother or put her down. You need to show them you have accepted her need to be alone and that you are wanting to grant her time because true love is having to courage to let her go especially when you don't want to. If she needs space to be on her own then grant her that.

6. Minimize contact, only be in touch when she either engages it or when you have to contact her. When you do contact her, never say you miss her, never say "love You", never mention how crappy you feel, don't display anger, depression, sadness or clingy clingy. tel her you accept her choice and you will focus on yourself in the meantime.

7. She once fell in love with you because you took better care of yourself were more attractiv entally and emotionally. So you need to do a mental make over and get your self respect and confidence back. Trust me Sean I was there.

8. decide right now, make the choice for yourself. if you cannot love and respect yourself you cannot love and respect another. If you cannot tak good care of yourself, you will be incapable of taking care of another. Whether it be your kids, your Wife, or anyone else... everything starts with the self. it took me many years to figre this one out.

9. Hang out with friends more often, buy some new clothes, make new friends. Go out! Don't dwell on your Wife leaving and talk about it all the time, don't bring your circle of support down with you all the time, once ina while when you need to is fine. But understand they have their own challenges too, try getting into things that bring you joy and happiness.

10. Dare yourself to be persistantly consistant in your actions. What you think and feel is what manifests into your reality. If you loath and self pity that's all you're going to have in your life. Focus on self improvement and respecting your Wife's choice for space on her own. If she loves you as much as you hope, and if you love her as much as you claim. Then she will come around it may be longer then you want but trust me Sean, you both need the time apart and you need to do damage control on your kids.

11. Respect hat your kids are going through and make sure you love and support them; even if they refuse to talk to their Mother, make sure you instill how important it is to you they stay in touch with her. let them know how important they are to her, and how much it will mean to her if they came around. Let them know they are still men if they break down, and it takes courage to see through this ordeal.

12. Treat yourself with dignaty and resect, treat your Wife with the same respect and dignaty. Treat your kids with the same. if any friends or family tries to knock you down, they are not worthy of supporting you through this. Only surround yourself with people who will respect and encourage you. With people who will listen to what you are going through and offer unbiased honest and helpful advice and suggestions.
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Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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Old 7th February 2010, 09:43 PM   #51
sean1234
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Re: My wife has left after !* years please help me

I've had a breakthrough with my youngest son tonight. I persuaded him to go and see her. I dropped him off waited for him to go inside and drove away. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do. This must be a good thing. A while ago I would have gone to the door with him just to try and talk to her. I did ask my older son but he didn't want to go. At least she will hear this from my boy and maybe stop blaming me for her not seeing them. I told him just that I asked if she was well and neede anything and that next time he can take the dog with him as he was her baby too. Anyway I hope I've done the right thing and I'm not going to ring to see when she's dropping him off I'm going to just let what will be be. I've no choice and I've finally realised that only she can make the decision to reconcile. I'm prepared to do what I have to as I love her so much. I'm going back to the gym Tuesday. Oh well I hope he comes back home.I won't question him other than to ask if she is ok and if she wants to see the puppy. Love to all sean
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Old 8th February 2010, 02:26 PM   #52
sean1234
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Re: My wife has left after !* years please help me

My boy came home and started talking about her. I found this very hard indeed. I pit this hard front on when inside I'm dying. He's seeing her again after school today and I don't know why but I've mixed feelings about it. He said we are both very unhappy but she also said to him that I treated her like s..t.I did use to get my own way but I always loved her so much. I have told her she should have given me a kick up the backside and have admitted my wrongdoings. I always felt she never really gave me much fuss. I really never realised how much she meant to me unroll she left and now I'm struggling just to live. I'm tired all the time. I torture myself with thoughts. It's awful.I'm in denial and I don't know if this is savable. You can't make someone love you and now I wonder how long she hasn't loved me for. This is hell.
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Old 8th February 2010, 03:40 PM   #53
Wedgewood
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Re: My wife has left after !* years please help me

Hey Sean,

Its been a while since I posted on your thread, but I read your last few posts and felt compelled to respond.

I can completely empathise with you, I have been there myself - all but the crying. I never cry and maybe that does not help me. After 4 months of the split I went to my GP because I still could not cope. I was referred for counseling and had the 7 sessions or whatever it is - that REALLY helped me, but still it was not enough.
A few weeks later I went back to the doctors because I was scared I would hurt myself and I was put on anti-depressants, that helped me too. However this forum has helped me more than anything. I have met some great people on here and 9 months after the split i have started to develop feelings for someone else. I rarely if ever think of my X and am happier than I can recall for a long time. I am almost at peace with myself, which i dont think I ever have been, even before I was married.

All I am saying mate is dont give up on yourself. What will be will be with your relationship, but look after yourself and see how the chips fall. Mine fell the wrong way and I am better off, Ironic?

Mark
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Old 8th February 2010, 03:55 PM   #54
sean1234
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Re: My wife has left after !* years please help me

Cheers mark I need all the help I can get at the moment I'm going down a dark road.all my confidence is shot. At the start I couldn't bear being in the house now I spend alot of time in my room alone . I came back to the forum cos it also helped me at the start. My wife won't even communicate with me which is driving me insane. She was always the person I confided in yet the last time I met her she seemed alien. I'm trying so hard to keep it together but I'm starting to hate myself.
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Old 8th February 2010, 04:02 PM   #55
Wedgewood
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Re: My wife has left after !* years please help me

Quote:
Originally Posted by sean1234 View Post
I spend alot of time in my room alone .
DONT DO THIS - Being alone fosters depression and only makes things worse. I could not stand to be around anyone, but I MADE MYSELF.


Quote:
Originally Posted by sean1234 View Post
I'm trying so hard to keep it together but I'm starting to hate myself.
AGAIN WRONG - Its not your fault. Do not think if I did this or that things would be different, it does not work that way. Make sure you go get help - It was only my kids that kept me here in the beginning and then the help of the people on here.

Know that we are here for you 24/7 - but please keep posting.

Mark
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Old 8th February 2010, 04:33 PM   #56
sean1234
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Re: My wife has left after !* years please help me

Having a real down day. Just seem to come down with a bang. I seem to be sinking into myself since I've had no contact. My wife is truly beautiful and the thought of someone else touching her destroys me. I know I should not think this way but we were always so close and I'm missing her so so much. What a fool I have been. I should have given her space from the start but didn't listen . I just panicked.I think I'm still in shock. She means the world to me. I'm lost.
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Old 8th February 2010, 04:54 PM   #57
Wedgewood
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Re: My wife has left after !* years please help me

Go to the doctors mate and tell him all this, if they dont listen then go to another one. You need help, you cant deal with this alone. It was the best thing that I did, even though it was very tough at the time. I just swallowed my pride and went on the advice of JB or AG i cant remember, but it saved me - no doubt. I have nearly got my sanity back too (if I ever had any lol)

Go mate, go and get some help.

Mark
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Old 8th February 2010, 05:09 PM   #58
Helen_uk
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Re: My wife has left after !* years please help me

Sean... Please listen to Mark , he's talking sense. You're displaying symptoms of depression and you really need some help to handle all this , you're trying to do it alone and that's not good.

Helen
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Old 8th February 2010, 05:51 PM   #59
koliver0821
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Re: My wife has left after !* years please help me

Sean, they are correct. Even before my wife asked for a separation I was showing signs of depression. I have since been to therapy a few times and I feel a million times better. Though part of it is the status of my relationship with my wife. But I've made affirmations a part of my life. Hit the gym or just go out for a slow walk. Anything.

I just got this from another thread on this forum. Please read it and practice it.

An affirmation is not just a sentence; it represents a way of life…a way of seeing, feeling, believing, and acting. It helps transport us from the weakest part of who we are to the most powerful part of who we are.
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Old 8th February 2010, 10:14 PM   #60
sean1234
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Re: My wife has left after !* years please help me

Hi all it's nice to know people care. I actually am on anti depessants. Prozac. Have been for 8 weeks now. I have had 13 councilling sessions. Tonight I went to the Samaritans who are close to me just to talk to someone. It does help. I know I am very depressed. I asked my boy to ask his mum to ring me just to talk and she flatly refused saying to him I don't want to talk to him. It hurts so much this so called soul mate treating me like the scrapings off her shoe. She took my boy and 3 of his friends to burger king while I am struggling to put petrol in my car bcos I am supporting my two sons on just my money now. I also have to pay all the debts which cleverley by her are in my name.22000 pounds of them. I don't know what to do next. There is a massive weight on my shoulders and I find it hard enough just to go to work. So tired all the time from thinking. Any advice would be cool as I'm at my wits end.
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