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Old 8th October 2011, 12:40 AM   #121
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

He shared with me about how worried he's been over finances and how tired he gets lately. He bought me a beautiful flower arrangement and said he was sorry and yet is making no moves to sleep with me. We've been getting along well and are still waiting to hear if we are going to get this place or not but so far it looks good.

If we do get it then a lot of the stress will be lifted from him because we'll have a couple hundred more a month. I am still waiting to hear about my disability case and have an attorney on it. It seems as though our relationship has changed somewhat in that we now talk more about our feelings and we are not afraid to voice what we feel.

He was very irritable the day we went to fill out the paperwork for the new place and he raised his voice and slammed the van door when he got in. I felt like telling him I didn't want to move anywhere with him but I just got in the van and didn't say anything. It wasn't because I was willing to be talked to like that but because I knew if I said anything it would only make it worse.

The next day was better and he told me that he hadn't felt good that day which isn't an excuse but explains it a little. We are at the point in our relationship where we get along well most of the time and every once in awhile one of us will get irritated at the other one and say so and then we just move on.

He gets me so mad sometimes and yet I find myself turning to God with my feelings and actually praying for my h even thought I might be upset with him at the time. This is really like a miracle for me because when someone lashes out at me, my first response is to do the same. Now I turn to God and pray about the situation instead of saying something that would only further the argument. I think its been over 8 months since we had a disagreement about anything.

I no longer have thoughts of leaving him. I admit when I got mad I thought it but I truly don't think of going out and finding anyone else and since I am close to God now I find myself having difficulty with old habits that I had before I became closer to God. I now think differently about things and don't do things I wouldn't have thought twice about 6 months ago. Its like I'm a new person in a way because I consider what God would want me to do first.

Of course this isn't changing our sex life but we are more affectionate to each other and I find I don't get angry and frustrated as much as I used to. Instead of being in bed and wondering if he's m and getting upset, I might think about it but then just dismiss it from my mind and think about something else or talk to God.

I believe that he does still m but since I can't be sure I can't very well get upset about it. I do think he m because its the easy way out. He knows how I feel about this but I have no way of knowing if he's successful in these attempts and when I walk out into the other room I don't catch him in anything and don't go out there purposely to see if he's doing it, like I used to.

I am giving him the benefit of the doubt but of course I know that he must as least try to m every once in awhile and i've asked God to convict him and show him that this isn't fair. I've asked God to help him deal with stress and to heal his mind so that he isn't thinking of the past or hanging onto to issues from the past. He asked me to marry him again and that was surprising but no more was said about it.

Since he has spent most of his life in and out of bars I think he is trying to adjust to a sober life now. My friend Patty said he was a 'dry drunk' one who doesn't know how to life a sober life. One who is used to having alcohol influence the way he thinks and behaves and talks to people and she says thats why he has a hard time opening up to me sometimes.

He is getting older and I realize his days of drinking may be catching up to him and perhaps that is the reason for the ed. My problem is that I have never had to try and get a man to sleep with me so I don't know the first thing about it. I've never had to initiate anything and now i'm afraid to try because of being rejected.

I don't want to keep talking about us not having sex because that would put him on his guard and maybe make him feel obligated. God has shown me that the way to win in this is to show him love because love conquers all and you can get more with honey than vinegar, as the saying goes. I know this is an odd relationship in that we don't sleep together.

God has also shown me that if I focus on Jesus and leave the rest to him then everything will be okay. I am not like myself at all. I have a peace instead of mounting frustration, I smile at him and say I love him rather than getting angry and not speaking to him. I don't understand how this man can look at me and not want me, but perhaps I don't know what he's thinking.

Maybe he does think about making love to me and I just assume he doesn't. His actions or lack thereof seem very selfish to me. I would never do this to him. And yet he treats me very well and brings me flowers and gives me money. I hope I am not fooling myself in that we can have sex back in our relationship.

Before I was afraid of staying with him and then one day finding out that it was all a waste because he had no intention of every making love to me again. Now I think that its right to stay with him because I love him and change is only possible when you are together, because if you are apart then it is over and you will never know what God could have done if you hadn't acted rashly.

Quite honestly, Raymond, it is very hard for me to remain in a relationship like this. My impulse is to end it and find someone else and yet I do still love him and we've been through a lot together and I like our life most of the time and we get along well in that we aren't domineering and give each other space and we both love God.

So instead of fuming in my anger, I pray for him instead and God gives me a peace and I find myself turning to God instead of trying to figure it out myself. I truly trust God and have faith in him. He has always taken care of me and he is my true husband. I have been through so many changes I hardly recognize myself anymore.
 
Old 15th October 2011, 12:54 AM   #122
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Well, I just had the worst experience of my life. I told you we were trying to get a bigger place. Well, we did all the paperwork and things were going fine, I got along with the manager of the apts. who had been a little unfriendly before and we paid for the credit check and background check and then waited for 10 days before we got any results and it wasn't good. I tried calling within that time and was told the manager would contact me when she got word.

It seemed like a long time but I didn't think there was a problem because my h has excellent credit and its mainly his credit they were interested in and I knew our background checks were fine because we'd already passed them for our volunteer work up at the canyon. I work for a friend of mine and they sent her a letter and she sent it back and yesterday we got a certified letter stating that we were refused because they couldn't verify our rental history or my employer.

I was shocked. They knew we lived in a senior housing complex and we have been here 4 years and never late on the rent. They said they tried to call and the phone was disconnected which is ridiculous. Two women are in the office at all times and there's voice mail. My friend sent in her letter and they told my mother, who they did manage to call, that they couldn't get ahold of my friend, both surprisingly and ridiculous reasons.

My friend took me into their office this morning, willing to sign another letter and the woman wouldn't even consider having her do this. She was glaring at me and said they had rented the apartment to someone else. When they couldn't verify these things they were told to reject us. I couldn't understand this. I told them the phone number for our apts. was the same and we had voicemail.

I know I wrote it down right and am sort of articulate with business matters. They said they never got the letter and couldn't get a hold of her at all and she told them she has a record of who calls and they weren't on there and if they did call, why not leave a voicemail? She wouldn't answer any questions or work with me at all.

I couldn't understand this woman's reaction. Even when we said that what she was saying was impossible and me and this manager had even previously talked about where I lived and she knew it well, it is impossible that she would get a no longer in service message and she wouldn't even check the number even though I had a card from the apts. and the girl in the office of our apts. told me no one had called or sent a letter.

My friend asked if I was still on the list, we had waited a year and a half for this opening, and she said no in an unfriendly tone and she just wanted us out of her office. I was floored and just walked out but have reported them for discimination and found out who owned the building and email them and now I am following through with reporting them to the housing authority.

My h told her earlier that he had worked with the company that had designed the building and she didn't realize that I could find out the name of the company that owned the apts. I am very adept at finding out anything I want on line and I found out their phone number, address, and email. I decided to oppose the decision as is my right to do and wrote a letter officially informing them of this and that I was going to report them as discriminating against us.

I can't believe this has happened and what I thought was something from God turned out to be a nightmare. I liked the apartment and wanted to move there but more than that was insulted by the way they treated me and by their flimsy excuse. They could have said anything else and I might have believed them but she was totally rude to me and my friend and wouldn't even consider checked the phone numbers or anything else.

I don't think its possible that I wrote down the wrong number cause I copied out of my little phone book. I can't believe she was so friendly and then so rude and unmoving. I told her it wasn't fair and just left but this has hit me very hard. Thing is, my h told me from the beginning that he didn't like her, that there was something going on that we didn't know about but I ignored him because I thought he was being paranoid.

I am so disappointed and disillusioned. We waited so long for that apt. and it was like a bungalow and had more room and a patio and now I have to stay here in this small apt. listening to his loud music and dealing with the same problem of him not sleeping with me. I realize we would have had the same problem there but at least I would be busy unpacking and we would have more room.

He acts like it doesn't matter to him and just says if God closes one door he will open another but I am very upset. Nothing has happened between us in a physical sense except that he told me he didn't know why he was so tired but in the evenings he has no energy and goes to bed early. I guess he was trying to explain why we haven't made love and I reminded him on the day when it was a year of no sex.

He said he remembered and I said he did? He said yes but no more was said about it and now this major disappointment is almost more than I can bear. I thought God was answering a prayer and how could such a thing happen? We are in no position to find another place because that was a much cheaper rent and everything in this area is high.

I just get so disgusted when nothing ever seems to work out for me. He doesn't seem to care about anything but I care deeply. I can't sell my hats or even things on ebay, can't find a part time job and haven't heard about my disability yet. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to except living with a man who is not going to even try to get closer to me.

We have been getting along rather well and he tells me he loves me and brought me some more flowers but he has taken away something that I used to look forward to very much. Most of the time I am okay because I read the bible and pray but every once in awhile when I go to my room by myself I get upset about this all over again and then pray and talk to God about it.

I know now that I will always feel this way. There will never be a time when I feel okay with it but I treat him the same which is with a lot of love because I start feeling better or I stop thinking about it and i'm beginning to think that it isn't ed at all but low sex drive. I got some advice from another site and they told me that's what they think it is. And he did say he was tired a lot.

Why did such a horrible thing happen with the apt? There is no explanation and I will never know the reason why. It seems as though everything I try fails and i'm not feeling sorry for myself but this is the way its been since I lost my job in 2009. I can't get anywhere and don't understand why God isn't answering any of my prayers. Why do horrible things like this happen to good people?

I feel different now, tired of struggling and afraid to trust anyone in the world now because it never works out. I am truly depressed and fell as though I don't really have anything to live for. I have my children and i'm not suicidal but I get nothing but bad news. I look at my life and except for my talents, I see nothing good. I don't think i've ever felt this low before, not even when I first came on here telling you all about my h lack of interest.

Now I have to deal with this other thing on top of not feeling fulfilled as a woman. I am a strong woman but I feel myself starting to crack a little. I've been through a lot, a husband who won't make love, quitting vodka, dealing with losing my job and having to get unemployment and when that ran out, general relief, and I never thought I would be in this place.

I thought getting closer to God would make a difference and he has helped me but now I feel as though he has abandoned me and I don't understand why he would allow this to happen. I've always tried to do what is right and treated people with kindness and loved my husbands even though they treated me badly, and yet I still show love to this husband because I still love him.

I've been patient and understanding and didn't go out and cheat on him when I thought that's what I needed, I stayed with the sinking ship so to speak, and always show love to him and others and go out of my way to help friends and family, and this is what I get. Now I think that love has never done me any good at all and no matter what I do or try, it never works out.

I sound like i'm feeling sorry for myself, but to me i'm just calling it as I see it and above all I just don't understand any of it.
 
Old 15th October 2011, 11:14 AM   #123
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

You just need to talk yourself up as you normally do without our help Baroness. I am sure you will as you consider what has happened. Does seem like some funny business going on. Your investigation will show possibly. Maybe they wanted the bungalow for a friend. Who knows. I think Hubby speaks some sense here.
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Old 16th October 2011, 07:06 PM   #124
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Yes, he did and come to find out he didn't really like the apartment even though it was bigger. Of course I have the type of personality that bounces back with the help of God. A good friend told me it would take 2 weeks at least before I wasn't upset about it anymore and I told her no, that isn't the way I am. I find something positive in negative actions and while I was really diappointed and angry the first couple of days I seem okay now.

I went to those apts. and was willing to work it out and she wouldn't even talk to me about it. Said we were off the list and that was that. My employer was with me and I have contacted the owners and submitted reviews on line and that's about all i'm willing to do. My h wants to get an attorney and fight this but I think it would be best to just let it go. I don't want this experience taking over my thoughts and life.

My mother, who is a good christian, told me that maybe God saw something bad happening there once we moved in and was blocking it to spare us that. My h says it doesn't matter cause he's leaving it to God. It does seem like he's talking about God a lot lately. It was a set back but who knows what would have happened once we moved in?

And since I know my h didn't cared for the manager or some aspects about the place I would have constantly had to worry about him getting upset and I don't want to do that. When we began this process he told me he didn't like her and something was amiss and he added that he's telling me that so I will no be surprised at his 'I told you so's'. I had no idea he had these feelings about the place.

He is kind of negative sometimes and I just can't believe our reactions to this place were so different, especially since he isn't happy here and kept saying he wished they would call us. This is a very small place but now I am motivated to get a bigger place eventually. Still waiting on disability but they do have larger apts. in this complex so maybe we could see if we can get one of those.

If not, God will show us a different place. I just rearranged the bedroom, I do that sometimes and now it feels like a different room. I spend a lot of time doing things and keeping busy so I don't dwell on our problem with his low sex drive. I don't know why this terrible thing happened to us but I think it might have been a test.

Would I still be faithful and read my bible and pray even though I didn't get what I want? The answer is yes! Disappointed but not defeated.
 
Old 17th October 2011, 02:38 AM   #125
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Good on you baroness.
Of course you were disappointed, but your husbands faith is certainly growing and that is fantastic.
We tried to move 3 times since we married 6 years ago and it never worked out. The last time we got very close to moving, and each time we were disappointed, but its always for a reason, and I am still believing that God has something far better for us. The second time, it turned out that the place we loved was only a half a mile away from where his ex was moving to(and we didnt even know she was moving), so God saved us from that.The first time my husband stopped working in that area, so it would have been pointless to live there, and where we are now is far nicer.
I agree that the whole situation with the appartment was very odd, and that Probably God didnt want you in that situation. Its hard to trust Him when we feel disappointed, but He is doing the very best for you both. You will look back and see the bigger picture.
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Old 17th October 2011, 01:10 PM   #126
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Reminds me of the house we lived in in London. Constant beat music through the walls, even at night. One never knew when it was going to be quiet and even when it was one anticipated the start of the music again.

God gave us a verse in Is 25:4/5 about the blast of the alien beating against the wall like the burning sun and a cloud coming to quieten it and then the song of the terrible ones being diminished. I couldn't get anywhere with my efforts. Then the company moved out of London and us with it. That was certainly a release that I couldn't manufacture on my own.
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Old 18th October 2011, 04:36 AM   #127
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Nice to hear from you again, Chosen. Well, I'm happy to say that I haven't thought about what happened with those apts. in a couple of days. I've moved on, chalked it up to God seeing something in the future that we couldn't know about and I haven't thought of it all day. I did contact the owners and told them what happened and that's all I'm willing to do.

It surprises me that I have put it behind me so soon. I was so upset at the time and thought I would just hate it here now but I rearranged my bedroom and I like it and it gives me more space and I have just adjusted. I have a knack of adjusting to things quite easily but this time I thought I would have a problem and so did everyone else, but its in the past and now i'm focusing on other things.

Me and my h had a nice time watching football and I made lasagna. I thought he might sleep in the bed since his side is right by the door and he did say something about that being his side but hasn't slept in here yet but at least he knows its easier to get to because I had the bed pushed up against the wall where he would have had to crawl over to lay down and he has laid down but I no longer dwell on it.

I've decided to lighten up a bit and not dwell on things. He told me yesterday that he thought I would eventually 'kick him to the curb', thats how he put it and he's said that before. I told him not to be ridiculous and he should know if i'm staying with him under these conditions then he doesn't have to worry about me leaving him.

I know why he says that. He thinks something this good will eventually end because this is his longest relationship and he isn't even making love to me so he must be surprised that i'm still here and he's told me as much. I am here to show him that when God puts two people together, no matter what they go through and how hard it gets, love remains and they somehow work it out.

It isn't easy and I know he still hasn't come to bed but for some reason when I look at him i'm filled with all this love for him. I don't know why because its very frustrating to want someone you can't have but I haven't given up. I think we will be together again, when things settle down with our finances. Whenever i've questioned him about if we will ever be together again, and its been quite awhile since I did, he says that it isn't over yet.

I believe that it isn't over yet. We talk more freely about it now and both of us are at ease. He told me he gets tired in the evenings but that next year he was going to cut way down on his hours up at the canyon so we could spend time together. He's the type of man that if he's worried about something, and right now its the van, he puts all his thoughts into that and then when its taken care of, he's fine.

I told him that the reason he and I work is because we both love God and he agrees wholeheartedly. Things are good, even if I get a little frustrated sometimes, I bounce right back to my good humor because he is more than a husband to me. He is my friend.
 
Old 18th October 2011, 11:13 AM   #128
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Thanks Baroness
I was away for 2 weeks and a week after returning from the holiday, only last week, I got taken into hospital and had to have my appendix removed.I Am recovering now but still tired and weak and bruised. Still cant expect too much after only a week of the op can I.
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Old 18th October 2011, 01:07 PM   #129
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Nice to see you back Chosen. I thought you had gone. I had a hernia op four weeks ago. My first ever op. As well as the scar it takes a lot our of the body which has to heal from the cutting about. I had a few false starts thinking I was back to normal just because the scar healed. You do need rest. After swimming in the sea on my anniversary and beating my friend six love in tennis, I knew I was then okay and it proved so. The zip will come back if you are kind to your body.
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Old 18th October 2011, 01:29 PM   #130
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Thank you Raymond. My wound hasnt even healed completely yet, and also the anaesthetic takes time to get over as well. My tummy is very bruised and colourful.lol. Am just trying not to expect to much of myself but do miss swimming and dog walking. They reckon 2-3 weeks till full recovery and no lifting for 6 weeks. My daughter had hers out alomst exactly a year ago, and she took 2 weeks to recover, but she is 24 years younger than me which helps.

Its very interesting in Hospital, as all social barriers come down and it brings out the best and worst in patients and their family.I did a lot of quite praying for others there while I was laying there feeling ill and in pain both before and after the op.

Also the surgeon was Australian, like my husband, the same age, and was from the same part of OZ as him(Brisbane). It tuns out he was doing his medical training at the same uni that my husband was studying for his phd at, and his (the surgeons)dad lives in a town just outside Brisbaine where my husbands family live. Its such a small world isnt it, when you think of the size of Australia.
The hospital, our local one, is fantastic, and the staff great. Its my second op there(third in total)
God Bless the nhs!
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Old 19th October 2011, 08:39 AM   #131
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Sounds similar to me. My tummy was black and blue. No sex for a while. I got back to swimming pretty quickly though as somehow it didn't pull. I think I messed the cut up somewhere though as part of it is a thin line and the other looks like it came undone and is a thickish line.
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Old 20th October 2011, 02:36 AM   #132
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That's too bad, Chosen. I'm fortunate in that the only time I was in the hospital was when I had my 2 children which were 9 years apart and the last time in 2001 I had a dnc. That sounds painful but gives you time to reflect and relax. I hope you feel better soon.
 
Old 20th October 2011, 09:41 AM   #133
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Thank you Baroness. On the positive side, I have lost 6lbs weight in 10 days so that cant be bad.
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Old 26th October 2011, 12:38 AM   #134
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I went to the doctor yesterday and he put me on permanent disability. Before this I at least had hoped to return to work. I do have an attorney working on my disability case but my back hurt so bad last night I could hardly walk. I feel a little better now but my h seems unsupportive and has made no move to comfort me or anything, which is surprising since he went through the same thing.

He just acts like he wants to be left alone. We didn't get that place but I have adjusted to it, thinking maybe God saw something in the future that we know nothing about. I just feel like everything I try never works out and yet I know I must have faith and now my body is acting up and I don't know how to be weak and sick and just accept it.

My h has made no attempts to get close and I feel there is a great expanse of space between us now. He's polite enough but seems to just want to be left alone to watch tv. Things are not so good and all my well intentions have done no good. Things are the same and maybe even worse and I feel that if I have to live with such pain, what is the point of living? Last night it was really bad, i've never felt such pain.

I'd rather go back to work than win the disability case but there is no cure for what I have. Yesterday my h went up to the canyon instead of taking me to the doctor and I think that's why my back was so bad last night. I had to take 2 buses and do some walking and he wasn't even teaching a class up there. I just don't understand him. Sometimes I really hate him.

I was doing really well and then he started watching naked women again on tv in movies with me sitting right there and a lot of sex and he just doesn't care if i'm sitting there. Its humiliating and I feel so alone now. I have my family and friends but the man I love is sitting out there and acting as though I don't exist.

I really can't post anymore right now. I just feel like crying.
 
Old 26th October 2011, 08:34 PM   #135
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

You have a lot of negatives today Baroness. Are you sure there is no cure for what you have? I thought you was a pentecostal.

Hubby seems to be straying a bit in what he is watching. I sympathise with that.

I am sure you will talk yourself up and win the negative battle as you always do.
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