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Old 14th March 2014, 03:46 PM   #1
Helen_uk
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sadness

About 3 years ago I was contacted privately , by email , by a member of this forum who's story touched me very deeply.

We became good friends offline

Sadly, last Thursday after a long illness my dear friend died.

I'm grateful to this forum for allowing us to find each other .

R.I.P Keith my dear friend, you're out of pain now
xx
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Old 15th March 2014, 11:44 PM   #2
1aokgal
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Re: sadness

Hi Helen...

Sorry, you lost a friend from this forum. You were always a friend to many on this forum. Hope things are better for you. I wonder about some other posters from a few years back and how they evolved in their life path. I post occasionally, but the forum is not as lively, personal, and helpful as when you and others blended in as a voice to reach out to others.

I notice more here the last years who regard marriage as pretty disposable. That degree of detachment in the stories bothers me. I wonder how thoughtlessly some these marriages began to end on a note of a few years together, as they seek an easy out. The marriages from before were longer together, and the agony of problems felt deeper. Posters looked for help to heal their marriages. Does it seem to you there is more selfishness (a single purpose) as many meet their own needs, regardless what that does to the other partner or children in the homes?

I think marriage only works where divorce is never an option on the list, unless there is emotional or physical abuse, infidelity or extremes of alcoholism or drug abuse. Even with some of these issues, couples manage to seek help in counseling and make life changes to reach the goal of a good marriages. The Forum is a valuable tool in opening doors on that spectrum.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 16th March 2014 at 02:09 AM.
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Old 16th March 2014, 07:43 PM   #3
chosen
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Re: sadness

I would add sexual abuse to that list, and also all sexual immorality, and not just adultery.
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Old 16th March 2014, 10:30 PM   #4
1aokgal
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Re: sadness

I guess it is like winning the lottery to get past all those pitfalls!
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Old 16th March 2014, 11:58 PM   #5
chosen
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Re: sadness

[QUOTE=1aokgal;78539]I guess it is like winning the lottery to get past all those pitfalls![/QUOTE]

Well a lot of divorces are not for any of those reasons, but just for selfish ones.
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Old 17th March 2014, 05:26 PM   #6
1aokgal
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Re: sadness

One takes lot on faith to enter into a marriage. It is true that most people go with "chemistry and attraction" at the beginning. They hope to pick up clues in dating and time together before marriage. Sometimes that initial attraction is so intoxicating, one can ignore clues.

Some just lack the commitment necessary to work through problems. It may seem easier to just bail out. I am always surprised at couples married only few years, who already are separated and divorce bound. There seems something lacking inside the person which is often a reflection of their own family background. Children from broken homes carry a lot of baggage forward.
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Old 17th March 2014, 05:59 PM   #7
chosen
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Re: sadness

[QUOTE=1aokgal;78542]One takes lot on faith to enter into a marriage. It is true that most people go with "chemistry and attraction" at the beginning. They hope to pick up clues in dating and time together before marriage. Sometimes that initial attraction is so intoxicating, one can ignore clues.

Some just lack the commitment necessary to work through problems. It may seem easier to just bail out. I am always surprised at couples married only few years, who already are separated and divorce bound. There seems something lacking inside the person which is often a reflection of their own family background. Children from broken homes carry a lot of baggage forward.[/QUOTE]

Well it depends on why they are divorced. Sometimes people find out things after a marriage that have been kept well hidden before, especially for Christians who aren't supposed to live together before they marry.
There are worse things than a broken home. Some families would have been far better off if the parents had separated, such as my husband, whose parents spent his whole childhood arguing and more or less leading separate lives. Not nice for a child, and it gives a very skewed picture of marriage.
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Old 17th March 2014, 07:35 PM   #8
1aokgal
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Re: sadness

I had a childhood like your husband. The home was a battleground of hysteria, arguments, alcohol, and physical violence (initiated by my mother.) I was once hit in the head (age 7) with a heavy leaded glass ashtray meant for my stepfather. I stepped between the two. I never smoked, nor drink alcohol, and a glass of wine with a holiday meal might sit, after a sip, in front of me. That often happens to those raised around alcohol, one extreme or the other. That background was difficult to overcome.

My husband has an ideal family, no divorce ever in his family tree, very close, and a joy to be around. Personally, I would never live with someone, unmarried. I think for women that is a huge mistake. Statistics show that trial marriages generally don't end in marriage. That is why there are less marriages today, as so many couples just live together. That seems to be the trend. Only a return to real strong core values will turn that around.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 17th March 2014 at 07:42 PM.
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Old 17th March 2014, 08:02 PM   #9
LibraLady
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Re: sadness

Making marriage work for the long haul, is a dying breed, almost dinosaur-like. We as a people, society, etc m,ake it very easy and acceptable for marriages to end and/or change spouses like undergarments.

Yes, marriage is in a sad state right now.

I remember, before my time, being told that divorce, pregnancy out of wedlock, etc was socially unacceptable and families would rather fall on their own swords than to have that go on..
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Old 17th March 2014, 11:53 PM   #10
chosen
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Re: sadness

[QUOTE=1aokgal;78545]I had a childhood like your husband. The home was a battleground of hysteria, arguments, alcohol, and physical violence (initiated by my mother.) I was once hit in the head (age 7) with a heavy leaded glass ashtray meant for my stepfather. I stepped between the two. I never smoked, nor drink alcohol, and a glass of wine with a holiday meal might sit, after a sip, in front of me. That often happens to those raised around alcohol, one extreme or the other. That background was difficult to overcome.

My husband has an ideal family, no divorce ever in his family tree, very close, and a joy to be around. Personally, I would never live with someone, unmarried. I think for women that is a huge mistake. Statistics show that trial marriages generally don't end in marriage. That is why there are less marriages today, as so many couples just live together. That seems to be the trend. Only a return to real strong core values will turn that around.[/QUOTE]

My DIL has a lovely large close family that is very strong and secure and where there are no divorces. My son on the other hand has his dads family which is full of divorces, and my family which has its fair share. I don't think that they differ on their determination to make sure their marriage lasts, especially now they have their baby, and I am sure theirs will, because I have never seen two people so happy and well suited as they are. Of course their strong Christian faith helps a lot.
I am not sure that coming from a family with many divorces means that you are more likely to get divorced, in fact it may make you more determined to make it work.
Take my dad who was a womaniser and had a very long affair through out my late teens and 20's. My brother and I are both very different from him, and we both believe strongly in faithfulness and trust.
As you say, we can choose to be the opposite from our parents and not carry on their bad behaviours.
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Old 17th March 2014, 11:58 PM   #11
chosen
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Re: sadness

[QUOTE=LibraLady;78548]Making marriage work for the long haul, is a dying breed, almost dinosaur-like. We as a people, society, etc m,ake it very easy and acceptable for marriages to end and/or change spouses like undergarments.

Yes, marriage is in a sad state right now.

I remember, before my time, being told that divorce, pregnancy out of wedlock, etc was socially unacceptable and families would rather fall on their own swords than to have that go on..[/QUOTE]

I think that's part of the problem, that its so accepted these days to give up if things get a bit hard. Having said that though, nearly all the divorces I know of, were for serious reasons such as cheating, and not for small things at all. Its not so unusual for people to be in 3rd, 4th or even 5th marriages which is sad.
Also most couples in previous times, didn't have the means to leave and run two homes, and that kept people together. Probably not a bad thing.
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Old 18th March 2014, 03:53 AM   #12
1aokgal
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Re: sadness

I hate to say this, but women with strong careers and jobs have the ability and wherewithal that women did not have years ago. So while women advanced in one regard, historically, marriages became more disposable. as women now have the option to support themselves. There is less tolerance for issues that might have been worked through with both willing to give the marriage the effort.

True, as you point out, couples didn't have the means to leave and start over and that forced them to stay and work things through. Families have moved to other locations migrated for jobs which causes a loss of emotional support and more stress on couples than in past. Lots of factors for increased divorce but I also think people are just different. Many just see marriage as disposeable.
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Old 18th March 2014, 09:09 AM   #13
chosen
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Re: sadness

Also the fact that most women now work, has led to the sad fact that as many women who work now have affairs as men. Nearly all the affairs that I have heard of both on line or in my life have been with work colleagues. Its such a danger area when people don't have boundaries. At one time the work force was very much segregated with men in one sort of job and women in another, and once women married and had children they looked after them full time. The opportunities just weren't there for women to cheat as they are today.
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Old 19th March 2014, 03:52 AM   #14
1aokgal
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Re: sadness

So it all comes down to personal integrity, morality, boundaries and keeping ones' marital vows as sacred. Unfortunately, we have few examples of what a marriage should be. One might become cynical if we realize what disgusting examples we have in prominent people from politicians to celebrities, and scandals that rock huge mega churches.

We still learn our value systems in the home which is pretty set from childhood.
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Old 19th March 2014, 10:35 AM   #15
chosen
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Re: sadness

I am fortunate that I know many couples with really good marriages. The trouble is that we only hear of the famous people who have disastrous relationships/marriages and not those who have good marriages.
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