Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 31st October 2010, 12:45 AM   #1
Gman
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 1
Going nowhere!

Hi,

I am not sure why I am even posting this up here! Not sure anything anyone is going to say is really going to help the situation at all! My wife and I have been married for 6.5yrs already, I cant say that we got married under the best circumstances.
Not sure where to start its complicated, I had a very close relationship with my mother maybe a little too close in that she would confide in me alot emotionally my wife saw this before we started dating. A few weeks before we were about to get married she confronted me and said that the relationship with my mother will change once we are married and that my mother would not be able to confide in me any longer which is fair enough, but my reaction at that stage wasnt great and I got angry and upset we had some counsel that night and the next morning I took that counsel turned it and totally broke down the relationship with my parents my mother in particular.
Instead of postponing the marriage and sorting out the issues with my parents I decided to get married and sort things out afterwards. I was very distracted through our wedding and first weeks of marriage worrying about this problem the more I tried to reach out to my mom she was not wanting to be reconciled she even said to me that "I will never forgive you!", well I can say she has since but the relationship is still awkward. In the midst of this I thought well my mom was obviously still hurt so I will have to give her some time let me turn my full attention to really getting to know my wife, we had only been dating for about 6 mnths or so although we were in the same church for about 2 years.
When I started to really put effort into our relationship I started to get to know her and she was opening up to me, well that is when my while life was turned upside down! I knew that she wasnt a virgin she was raped as a teenager and I wasnt going to hold that against her, but she opened up to me about previous sexual relationships she had while in high school.
I felt heartbroken, I was a virgin and I kept that for our marriage. Immediately I felt I needed to talk to my mother but now I couldnt. So I kept quite things became really bad between my wife and I, I was angry and bitter towards her because I felt so betrayed and hurt and I didnt know who this person is I had married!
I could not just get a divorce I didnt agree with that so I continued in a very unhappy relationship for 3 years until I drove my wife to have an affair. I blame myself for it because I know that I was not treating her well at all, but still I felt absolutely broken. I said to my wife we needed to go for counsel and so we did she broke off the relationship with the other guy, I changed my job which was keeping me away from home alot and for a moment it looked like we were going in the right direction.
We then moved country leaving all family behind, my wife thought it would be good for our relationship and I liked the thought of being able to travel however things in our relationship are still not nearly what they should be! I am the type of person to continue even though my heart is not in it and it has been far away for a long time I just dont know how I can love my wife in the same way again! She really has changed that I can honestly say, she really is a changed person and has been very patient and understanding towards me.
I hear alot about love and this deeper love but I really dont know how I can experience that, I know that I really need to forgive something which I have not truelly been able to do, not the kind of forgiveness in that I feel free and what happened doesnt bug me anymore and I dont see my wife in a different way because of the past.
I used to have a close relationship with God but I really have not been all that close to Him for a long time infact I think I have been a little angry at God for allowing this to happen!
I know that I really need a change but everytime I decide to it only lasts a while and before long I end up being depressed feeling self pity which results in me being resentful towards my wife. I dreamt of having a wonderful relationship with my with wife and I feel that it is now totally out of reach!

Last edited by Gman; 31st October 2010 at 12:52 AM.
Gman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st October 2010, 10:50 AM   #2
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Going nowhere!

You have written quite a lot Gman which time does not permit me to answer properly as I am just off out.

Briefly it is good that you have forgiven your wife for her past. If God forgives us then we should as well.

The problem could be in the way you love your wife. You really need God's help in this so yes your relationship with Him is important.

Somehow you were denying her something and you need to work at it I feel. The paramount word for husbands is to love their wives. Also live with them with understanding. She needs that as well. She comes before your mother though not in place of her. Leave and cleave. One always has to be careful that there is no control operating from the mother as this can be devastating. I trust that is not the case.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st October 2010, 02:37 PM   #3
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Going nowhere!

Looking into this a bit more it appears that you are still not through on forgiveness. Obviously that is a vital part. We have been forgiven by God and that's why we can forgive. Presumably all this happened before she was a christian. So as far as the east is from the west God remembers it no more. Maybe you feel your standards were compromised, but that should allow for the forgiveness of her past. If she is a new creature the past is forgotten. Don't forget the parable of the unjust servant who couldn't forgive his fellow servant so neither did his master forgive him.

This is no way compromises your standards which are for you. Her life was not so fortunate and she should be extended mercy and forgiveness. She was only a child from what you say and didn't know any better, like a lot of us. This is all part of love surely. Forget about the mysterious deep love. That is not tangible or helpful for you. You need practical love or love on purpose. If you do it the feelings will follow of their own accord.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st April 2011, 06:38 PM   #4
Chamomile
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
Re: Going nowhere!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
She comes before your mother though not in place of her. Leave and cleave. One always has to be careful that there is no control operating from the mother as this can be devastating. I trust that is not the case.
I agree with everything you spoke Raymond.

I was not sure what his Mother wasn't happy about when the original poster wanted to marry this lady? Choosing to marry a lady over committed to his Mother? If this is the case, it's very unhealthy.

It's wrong for sons to have such an intense, intimate emotional relationship with Mother into his adulthood. I also think when you felt "betrayed" that she did not tell you she had a previous relationship. In a way, it's understandable. But there are worse things in life unless you lied to you about it.
Chamomile is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th April 2011, 07:35 PM   #5
RebeccaJ
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Going nowhere!

Hi Gman,

I am glad you did not rush into a divorce. Firstly, I will say that no behaviour justifies her adultary - you may not have helped the situation, making it possible for you to have empathy with her temptation but it is still her that is accountable for her actions, as you are yours. If she has accepted this responsibility, then forgiveness is key if you are to rebuild any trust in your relationship.

On the matters of rape and pre-marital sex. Again, like Raymond, I will assume that this was before she was saved and instilled with the Spirit of God within her.

Speaking from a female point of view that is a convert to Christianity and has been raped and sexually molested as a child and having lived with and encountered may women from similar backgrounds - sometimes these experiences can remove the value of sex or truly intimate experiences. Not all women feel this but many do and it leads to adolescent insecurities and can actually make them more prone to having one-night stands or whirl wind 'romances' because sex is sex - it has no value, the value it had has been stolen from them. This can take councelling to address this and for the woman to make her peace with it.

Moreover, if you came to Faith before having your first sexual experience - that is what God intended for you - that is just your Spiritual Time Line so to speak. We all have one, hers' was just quite different from yours. Granted, however, she should have been honest with you about her past - of that I have no doubt. It is quite possible that she felt ashamed and that you would think she would be an unworthy wife if she were to bare all (not that this fear or attitude makes the deceit right by any means but more understandable, but not justifiable).

And given the fact you had only been in a relationship for 6 months before marrying - well, maybe she just wasn't comfortable enough with you yet to share such intimacies. I do have to commend her for having the courage to tell you about the rape, it is no easy thing to talk about. When you talk about it - you relive it almost. No matter how much you try to block it out or objectify it, it still happened, it was vivid; unwanted and leaves the victim feeling tainted. Just like Tamar did went she put ash on her head and tore her virgin gown - this is the physical representation of how a woman feels when she is raped: Tainted/Unclean

I truly hope that you could fully forgive her for her lack of openness at the beginning of your relationship and marriage as she will be as aware of your anger and sadness as you are and it will drag you down together as you are one flesh, you act as one.

I would suggest true sorrowful prayer, ask God for His strength to Forgive. It is no easy task! Holy Forgiveness outweighs any human forgiveness we can muster. We must be Charitable, Faithful, Gracious and Hopeful in God's definition, not our own half hearted versions, full of ifs and buts. Only He can heal your woes, and after this, as her husband hopefully you can tend her wounds too. And you can grow with each other in light of God and Glorify Him in your marriage by the way you react to and respect each other.

Remember, Love is Patient, Love is Kind... Love holds no record of wrongs. The Father doesn't and you are in His image - this is your aspiration as a man of God, hold her and I pray you can really forgive her for all her transgretions and pray she forgives yours as none of us are perfect.

Love and Peace be upon you my Brother!

  Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 05:06 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer