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Old 3rd July 2010, 04:56 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1
should I let it go?

My husband says he loves me all the time. However, when I really need him for something, like I missed the bus and can't get home. I don't feel that he is supportive and goes out of his way to be there for me in those situations. After 13 years I finally got fed up and exploded and told him how I felt. Shortly after that, my car broke down and I reluctantly had too call him to come get me. He did it without complaining, but I still have anger and resentment because he is only behaving appropriately because I went mad about his previous behavior. I'm glad that he did what he is supposed to, but I feel that in a marriage, being there for your spouse is a basic primitive act. I shouldn't have had to tell him how to behave and he shouldn't have to make a conscious effort to support me. Is it right for me to still be angry? or should I just be happy that he is doing the right thing now?
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Old 6th July 2010, 03:47 PM   #2
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Re: should I let it go?

No its not right for you to be angry with him. its ok for you to be disappointed in him. It may not seem like much of a difference but believe me it is. Let's be completely honest. You ripped into him because you were mad. And now, you want to continue to hold that against him because he did the right thing the next time it happened.

Now, you said the following: "I don't feel that he is supportive and goes out of his way to be there for me in those situations"

Did you actually say this to him? If you did, how did you phrase it to him? Did it sound like you angry with him? the reason I am asking is that my wife constantly did this to me. You know what my first reaction was? To go on the defensive. I bottled up my feelings and perhaps it made me feel anger and resentment.

Anger and resentment have no place in a marriage or relationship. You have to learn how to forgive but also express your feelings in the most constructive ways.

I disagree that your spouse should be there for you as a basic primitive act. Its a basic act when you treat each other respect. Not suggesting that you haven't treated him with respect. However, when I finally realized what my wife was really angry for and more specifically her feelings to her outburst, thats when we started breaking down the walls that each of us had built around our heart.
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Old 9th July 2010, 11:40 PM   #3
Ageing Grace
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 738
Re: should I let it go?

I kind of agree with Koliver, Lauryn, in that exploding after 13 years of suffering in silence (if that's what you did?) is unlikely to achieve the result you hoped for. Though, in a way, it did work for you didn't it? He picked you up when your car broke down, so at least he got the message

I do, however, feel that you're justified in feeling angry - and disappointed. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Partners help each other out when they're stuck; they don't just go "Your problem, you sort it."

If I were you, I'd try and leverage his recent helpful act, by telling him you appreciate the fact that he's heard you on this. Thank him, and ask him to step up next time you ask for help, too ... and keep on doing it!

Just a thought: By now, you may have become so resentful about this, you've stopped bailing him out when he needs you, too. Can't say I'd blame you, if so, but this is the ideal time to put that mutual support back into your relationship.

Good luck Let us know how you get along!
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Old 12th July 2010, 04:20 PM   #4
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Re: should I let it go?

Ageing Grace- Long time no speak! I hope you are well. I agree with you as well. Maybe I got a little ramped up as someone who lived with a woman who held all of this in until one day she needed space. BTW- you were very helpful in keeping my spirit alive. Although my wife needed space and did in fact cheat on me, we are in a much better place. We are learning how to communicate our feelings. We were both bottlers. Held feelings inside until it was almost too late. Sadly, it took me going into the emergency room for my wife to truly undertstand her feelings for me (I ended up having a seizure).

Lauryn- Basically, Reward good behavior. when things are bothering you, do it in a constructive way. that is all
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behavior, support

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