Re: I cheated on my wife.....feeling miserable
Hi NoJoy.
It's clear that there is still a lot of anger that your wife is feeling here but if you want to come through this, you just have to stick with it, allow her to be angry and just keep showing your love for her. It is difficult getting past this stage but believe me, it does happen but it is how YOU handle things that makes a difference. If you react angrily when your wife gets angry (I'm not saying that you do but I know it's sometimes difficult not to) the situation will escalate and you only make her feel worse. You need to allow her to be angry because it is a stage that she needs to get through and it is better than bottling it up. Just keep reassuring her that you are sorry and that you love her. Look back at Lola and the next poster's advice when you first came to this forum. It was good advice.
My husband and I used to have some real humdingers of arguments when we were at your stage. You might recognize the scenarios -
Something would happen to trigger a question from me about one of his affairs and sometimes he genuinely couldn't remember the answer. This would make me MAD!! I would interpret this as it not having meant anything to him that he was cheating. He would then get angry because I didn't believe that he couldn't remember. Argument would get worse possibly even to the point of violence, tears, throwing things, even walking out (the very worst thing was if HE walked out because it left me with all my anger and pain and no way of getting it out so I felt despair. Result: situation deteriorates.
When he handled things better it could go something like this-
Question is triggered and he answers to best of his ability but genuinely can't remember. I still get MAD. He reacts in a loving way, telling me how sorry he is, not trying to justify that he can't remember but maybe suggests that we talk about it at another time when I don't feel so angry but assuring me that if I really want to talk about it at that moment, he will. Sometimes I do want to carry on and I rant for a while and he lets me, all the time telling me how sorry he is and how he will never do anything like this again because he loves me so much. My anger burns out. As time goes on, I recognize that it will be better to wait until another time and usually I find that the questions are no longer so important. Sometimes though they go round in my head and I do need to get them resolved as best as we can. All the time I need to feel that he is being absolutely honest with me.
As time goes on, these situations get less and less. Now, 6 years on and they hardly ever happen and when they do, they don't reach the point that they did then. The problems are usually different and not so raw as then. But in the early days it was very difficult. It does take a long time to rebuild trust and you do need to try extra hard since you go away a lot (as does my husband) so your wife will be beset by doubts and bad thoughts when you are away and she has no-one to discuss them with who really understands. Call and text as often as you can to reassure her. My husband still does this now although I don't really need it so much now but it does make me feel loved.
Thinking of you both. God bless.
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