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Old 2nd October 2006, 04:07 AM   #1
John01
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What do I do after Sex with old friend

I need serious help. My wife and I have been married for 15years with 3 children. We are generally a happy and loving family untill lately that we having some problems. We are both born again christian, workers in the church.
I travelled abroad for about 11 days and my wife and I talked nearly everyday when I was away. During this time my wife phone her old boy friend of 16yrs ago.who is a married man also. I called her around that time she was on the phone to him. As the house phone was engaged I called my daugthers mobile, she said Mum is on the phone to a friend. When she finished with him, she called me and she said she was on the phone to this guy. I just asked her to be careful and I have no worry whatsover as I trusted her. But to my surprise, she asked the guys out or the guy asked her out a day to my return and after their outing they went somewhere and somehow, they have sex together. The day I come back she hugged me very cold and she started crying that she has cheated on me.
I was very hurt, I wept bitterly, I felt betrayed. It kills the man in me. I see the level of her remorse, she cried most of the time that the holy spirit has left her.
After some days I called her that I still love her that we have built good life together and i wonder what will happen to my children. I said that I will forgive and pray to God to help me and see mt through the situation. We both carried on as if things is ok at home, especially becuase of the children.
To make the whole thing worse for me, I noticed they still contacting each other and I was very upset, we have heated arguement. as we are exchanging words, she now said the guy love her and he is her sole mate. She just discover her love, that the guy is ready to leave his marrige for her even if he doesn't she will stay as single parrent. She blamed me for everything.

Now she agree to keep the our marrige but she want to stay in contact with him, as she is getting some comfort in talking to him.
What do I do here. I can't tell my Pastor or anyone as we are respected couple in the church. I know i sounded stupid and like a weak man but that wasn't the case,I know what most men will do in a situation like this even according to scripture, it's licence to leave but I have my blames too and she has been there for me at the most difficult time of my live. even when I do not expect her to stay, but she did.

Can someone help me, I don't even know what to pray for. I hate her for what she did, but I still love her.
I can't cope with her contacting him after what has happened between them.

Last edited by John01; 2nd October 2006 at 06:55 AM.
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Old 2nd October 2006, 10:20 AM   #2
Helen
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Re: What do I do after Sex with old friend

John,

As long as this man is interacting with your wife, you stand little or no chance of repairing your marriage. So the thing to do would be to insist that she give him up but this raises a dilemma. If you insist she give him up, chances are she won't and she will insist you separate so that she can pursue her life with him. And if you don't insist that she give him up, your marriage is almost certainly doomed. So I would suggest you come at this from a different angle.
  • First, I would appeal to her sense of decency. She has 3 children with you.
  • Does this man have children too? If he does, ask your wife if she thinks it is right to break up 2 marriages and 2 families to pursue her happiness with this man? Is taking a married man from his wife and, if he has them, kids a Christian thing to do?
  • She thinks this man is her soulmate but does she know what the statistics say about the likelihood of her relationship with him working out in the long term? Something like 97% of relationships started as a result of adultery don't last. 97%. The problem is once a person commits adultery, it is easier for them to do it again.
  • She also has to remember - she has already been there once with this man and they broke up. Chances are they will break up again because if the relationship was right, she would have been with him all along and he would have married her. He didn't.
  • In addition, their rekindled relationship is moving very quickly. She spoke to him and the next minute, she slept with him and is talking about leaving to be with him. This is a tad impulsive, don't you think? I think it will burn out very quickly. These things almost always do.
  • Is she really willing to throw her marriage away for that 3% chance that it will work?
  • She says she loves him and he is her soulmate but is she sure that her feelings returned? I suspect not. If it comes down to crunch time, chances are he will not leave his wife (and if he has them, kids) for her and if he does, he will not stay with her.
  • Finally, it is all very well your wife saying she will be a single parent but does she have any idea how difficult this would be in practice? I don't think she does because if she did, she would not speak about it so blithely, as though it is nothing. Being a single parent is a big deal. It is hard and there is no respite from all the responsibility.

If you manage to get through to your wife to the point where she is having second thoughts about this man, I would try to find out what she feels she is getting from him that she does not get from you. Then I would explain to her that when you start confiding in a member of the opposite sex, it almost always leads to the idenfication of 'problems' (even if none exist) and to an affair, which is why you think she should give this man up. The fact is, as long as he is lurking in the background, your wife will continue to find fault with you. She also has no reason to try to fix her marriage. Life and marriage sometimes means making sacrifices for the greater good. In this case, the greater good is the family. It is better for your kids to have both their parents, married and together than it is to break up the home. Your wife needs to think about the kids and do what is best for them - not what she feels is best for her. For all the reasons I have outlined above, her leaving and taking off with this man will not necessarily be the best thing for her. Just this week I read a story in a magazine about a woman who had left her husband for another man. Only 3 months after settling with this man, she realised she had made a big, big mistake. By the time she realised this and tried to get back with her husband, he had found someone else and was in the process of divorcing her. And she spent 15 years regretting her decision to leave. She was one of the lucky ones. She eventually had a happy ending - her ex husband's new marriage didn't work out and they got back together. But 15 years is a long time to love someone and know that you cannot get them back because you destroyed things.

As for your wife blaming you for her sleeping with this man, I would turn it back at her. No matter how bad your relationship was, you both had a responsibility to speak out if you were unhappy. Clearly she didn't do this. Instead, she turned to someone else, despite your words of caution. This is not your fault, it's hers and she should behave like an adult and take responsibility for her actions instead of looking to blame others. People who cheat always do this. I think it helps them to deal with their guilt and self-loathing. At the end of the day, you did not make her sleep with this man. She made that choice. Having made the choice, she cannot now turn around and blame you.

You are in a difficult situation and I wish you luck resolving it. Depending on how things plays out, you may have to confide in your pastor eventually (especially if you do end up parting). Before this, I would advise you to think about some personal counselling for yourself. Even if your wife is unwilling to work on the marriage, a counsellor could help you to see things more clearly and find solutions.

Do take care John,


Helen
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Old 5th October 2006, 11:25 AM   #3
auburn
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Re: What do I do after Sex with old friend

John, I feel really bad for you after reading your post. I know what she did to you is beyond forgiveness for she says he is her soulmate. This must hurt you more since you trusted her.You have to be strong and do whats best for you and your children.
Take Care
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Old 6th October 2006, 11:41 PM   #4
John01
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Re: What do I do after Sex with old friend

Thank you very much Helen and Auburn for taking time to read my post and Thanks for your words of encouragement and support. She is showing more signs of remorse now even though she is still claiming that I was the one that pushed her out, that I wasn’t listening ……… but I have never imagined she can stood so low. She told me all her frustration and hurt she has gone through in our 15 years of marriage and which I believe, every marriage have their ups and downs. We do have lovely moments as well.

I’m currently considering my options. The easiest is to leave but is the hardest because of my children. My cause of action is still a surprise to myself because I never see myself staying with a woman after something like this but here I’m: Working things out. I still love her too but it is very difficult for me thinking over what she has done moreover what she had said about this man initially this come to live. Now she agreed she won’t contact this guy any more and he should not contact her.

I‘am believing God for total healing on this. Forgive? Yes, I will forgive her but I don’t know if I can ever trust her. I know if it’s happen again, I don’t think she will tell me because she see the way I was broken and she said may be she shouldn’t have told me but she said she can’t live with it and that is why she told me then she can face the consequence. I respect her for the courage but it very hurt. I have arranged personal counselling for myself and she said she doesn’t mind going with me if need be.

She couldn’t stay in the church, she running away from prayer meetings or workers meetings. This is me trying to help her again, that our God is compassionate and he keeps no record of wrong, if we repent.

I’m taking it day by day. I will see how it goes. One thing I know is I love my home, my children, sadly still love her. I don’t really want my home to break
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Old 6th October 2006, 11:59 PM   #5
Helen
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Re: What do I do after Sex with old friend

John,

Maybe she shouldn't have told you but she did and it's too late to take it back. I am glad she has decided to stop seeing and contacting this man. I do understand how you feel and I am sorry to say you will be hurting for a while longer. The only words of encouragement I can offer you are that the hurt will diminish over time. As to regaining the trust - this can happen too. Counselling will help as will both of you recommitting to your marriage.

All of this said, your wife is now saying what her problem is. She says you don't listen. To avoid a repeat of this in future, I would take this on board and find out a bit more about specific instances where she feels you don't listen to her. Then commit yourself to listening to her from now on. She also needs to understand that marriage is about give and take so you will do your best to take on board what she says but she will not be getting everything her way otherwise what is in the relationship for you?

I do hope you manage to sort this out.

Take care,


Helen
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Old 17th October 2006, 02:18 AM   #6
John01
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Re: What do I do after Sex with old friend

Thank you all, for all your advice. I don’t seem to understand her any more now, she said she is not contacting the guy any more but I noticed she just got cleverer in the way they are contacting each other. She doesn’t use home telephone or her Mobile phone directly to phone the guy’s number but she is using calling card instead, so call list will not record his number.

The children are started to know what his going on gradually, especially the grown up one and she is very upset about it.

Lately I left home about 7pm for work, she already told me she wants to go to one of our family friend to complete to an application form for her sister and that was ok with me. As I left for work half an hour after, she left for the family friend house leaving behind our 8months old baby with the big sister. About one half hour after she left, my daughter called me to work that mummy has not back and the baby is carrying seriously. She called her, and I called too, but she didn’t answer her phone. Then I called the family friend and she said she was with her less than 10 minutes. I finally get her on the phone; she said she is at Tesco. I knew she was lying, and then I asked her to go home that the baby is caring. About 1hour after she got home, I didn’t say anything the next morning when I got home, as the kids were around because I don’t think I will be able to control my anger. That day we have counselling appointment, we both went and during this session she was asked when last they speak she said last night, when last they see each other she said last night. Where? She said she was stressed at home, with the kids and every other thing then as I left for work she called the guy to come and take her out and they went out for meal.

At this junction, I ‘m totally confused, I don’t think I want to patch things any more, she is getting worse and at home she act as if everything is ok with us. Friends, families and the church me members see us as if everything is fine. But I’m dieing gradually.

Thanks
John.
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Old 17th October 2006, 10:08 AM   #7
Dave
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Join Date: May 2001
Posts: 1,576
Re: What do I do after Sex with old friend

Dear John

In your first post you said you were "a respected couple in your church", and so felt you couldn't contact your pastor.

Which will keep the respect in your church - having your marriage fall apart without either of you taking a stand, or admitting that we all face difficulties, and doing something about it?

Both of you need to go and see your Pastor together. You both made solemn promises to each other, and you both now need help - you in finding the strength to forgive and to work through the pain; her in finding the strength to lay down the adulterous relationship and work at healing the hurts she's caused. Both of you need help in finding the roots of the problems in your relationship.

These are tough times - and fighting for your marriage probably sounds like hard work - but be very clear who is on your side - you have the Victory, live it.


Dave
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