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Old 11th August 2011, 10:00 PM   #766
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

1aokgal, you are a beautiful person. You take time to tell me about the hats and the material needed and give me links and also tell me of your life and share with me difficult moments and you make time out of your day to email me and to give me your opinion on my hats. I consider you a true friend and you are the one I go to when I get upset with my h because I know you will understand.

I am very grateful that we met. You have helped me with your insight and I am doing much better now. I appreciate all positive comments on here as well, the ones who have tried to understand and help me to see all sides of the situation.

I was very angry at my h this morning because I told him my back hurt and he just left me with money to walk to the store while he went off in his van to go play house painter. He could have gone to the store on his way and so I was upset. I was still upset after walking to the store and he came home and I let him know I was upset.

He came over to me and took me in his arms and was trying to talk me out of being upset and I couldn't help but smile but told him the next time I tell him my back hurts, he needs to listen. After all, I am the one who took care of him when he couldn't move when he injured his back. As it turned out the walk was good for me and I was able to get a pretty box to keep some of my hat supplies in.

I am not upset anymore but my back still hurts. I had to do laundry too but I am calmer now. I think I got my point across to him, the time when I just did what I had to do and didn't say anything when I was upset are over. However; I have the kind of personality where I can let things go if someone is sorry and I see no good in staying mad.

I was going through some things and I found some beautiful material that could be used for my hats. The plan was that I was going to work on them today but when I had to go to the store that threw everything off and I probably won't work on them today because i'm in pain now. Maybe I will try after awhile because it relaxes me.

I would like to show you all a picture of one of my hats so you can understand what I've been working on. So things are okay but I was up a lot last night because I couldn't sleep and I was glad he wasn't sleeping with me because I would have disturbed him. My attitude lately has been much improved.

It isn't an act and it isn't fleeting. Of course there will be times when I get upset but I think I am justified to speaking up for myself. I never used to. I would keep everything inside.

Forever, you don't have to worry about me doing something I might regret. I react on feelings a lot but I never do anything major without thinking it through, unlike a lot of people. I never went to college, only a technical school but I have been told I am very intelligent. This comes from experience and having an instinct for the way people think. The patience and kindness and some knowledge is from God.

I am open and honest and will do anything for people and my family and h. But I will not be taken advantage of and when I reach the end of my patience, I have no problem with letting people know. I have ethics and morals that I will not go back on. I can put up with some things from my h but other things I will not.

I have always been this way. I wasn't taught this, I have just always felt this way and I am glad I am this way and yet I learn new things all the time. Just because I love my h doesn't mean I'm going to allow him to disrespect me. He knows this and he also knows of my kindness to him and my patience regarding our current problem.

We are different, like night and day in personality but we have one thing in common and that is our love for God and treating people with kindness and respect. Living with him is difficult sometimes, especially lately because I just want to shake him when he upsets me. I know of no other woman who would put up with the things I have to put up with and I'm not just talking about no sex either.

He's a difficult man to deal with sometimes and read and I know none of his ex's could understand him and so they left in anger. I see beyond what he shows me to the reasons behind it. He doesn't really know how to talk to a woman or how to make her feel better about a lot of things. He can be intelligent but in matters of the heart he is pretty stupid.

He was a history teacher when he was younger and then a prosperous painter but he has a lot of pride so he needed a woman who had wisdom on how to talk to him. I know people who have known him for 20 years or more and yet they don't really know anything about him. Not anything personal. He keeps things hidden but has opened up to me and I think this is why God brought us together.

He is totally different from the man he used to be in many ways and that is because an attractive, caring woman took the time with him and showed him that she loves him and always will. He always says God brought me into his life and he is right. But he has also been good for me as well. He has showed me a kindness and loyalty that I hadn't ever had with a man.

He has my back and I feel safe with him. He does nice, generous things for me and we have a lot of fun sometimes. Now I have to deal with us not having a physical relationship and while it is most difficult, that doesn't erase what we have together or what we mean to each other, or the love that we have always felt for each other.

A lot of people wonder why I stay with him, especially now and I don't bother explaining it to them. It isn't because I'm afraid to be alone or I'm older and don't think I could make it on my own. Quite the contrary. Those people don't really know him. I know him more than anyone and he has times when he really shines.

I have told you this because I want you to understand that even though I get frustrated at time, our love goes beyond material or physical things. We may not sleep together all the time but he has shown me a kind of happiness that I never had before. This is why you don't have to worry about me running off and leaving him one day when I get upset.

Our love goes beyond the physical pleasures of sex. It is a precious, wonderful thing and I trust him and he drives me crazy sometimes, but we have history together, we have a beautiful home and as long as he lives I will not be without him. If he ever had an affair or cheated on me it would be over because I cannot tolerate that.

That is why I don't cheat on him. It would change things between us because I couldn't keep it a secret and if I tried it would tear me apart and I can't very well do something that I would leave him for if he did it. I am not hypocritical. He may act stupid sometimes and be self centered, but there are moments that he shines so brightly and I would never give up the opportunity to see this again.

We may sleep separately most of the time and have different interests and not make love as much as we used to but so what? It works for us. I miss the sex, but there is so much more to us than sex. We have a bond of the heart. He would never intentionally do something to hurt me.

He loves me and of course I knew he would get older because he is 9 years older than me and that was bound to make a difference sooner or later. He has spent his life being used by women and treated very badly, which is why he is the way he is. I asked God a long time ago for a man just like him. Long hair, rough around the edges and he gave him to me.

My life would not be complete if he was not in it. Of course I pray that we can have a physical relationship again. But even if that doesn't happen I can't leave this man who has done so much for me and brought me such happiness. There is a lot of negative things he's also brought me over the years and I don't know how I stayed with him, but I did.

He's put me through hell, he's putting me through it now, but I will still remain by his side. It isn't perfect, but every once in a while I still get a little slice of heaven.
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Old 12th August 2011, 12:13 AM   #767
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear Baroness...

I am sorry I did not get your post earlier as I would repond right away. My grandaughter is here today and tomorrow so we plan a lot of activities while she is here. I try to share things she can learn from me as painting lessons, sewing skills, a few piano lessons and she helps me put order in my sewing room and projects. We also spend part of the day in the pool which was perfect today. So I didn't check email.

It is my pleasure to share a passion with you and give you direction in using your talent. This stuff sure can add side income into your household. There are customers for the items. They are not difficult to make and are fun to do, just a bit time consuming. Once you establish contacts you will have your market. The fact these are fun to do also takes you away from problems. I love creating so much it is like parting with a kid to ship them out all over the world.

When I have your address from email, I will send you a template for the bonnet pattern. I designed this some years ago and it is easy to hand sew while you watch TV. I will get photos done tomorrow of some bonnets. The photo was taken of me some years ago in a victorian dress that was a redesign. The hat, my favorite, is a frame covered with silk, lace and applied silk ribbon flowers in muted shades. I make appearances at Victorian tea houses here and along with a television documentary done two years ago with me in costume. There were classes of school kids bussed over for this event and it was great fun to do. My husband, dressed in top hat and frock coat, played a part in the production as well. I know you will love creating the bonnets and find a niche exists for them.

I mentioned to you about having pity for your husband in all of this. As we suffer with these problems
I wonder what has happened with these men? I am sure deep down, they withdraw and pull inward. There must be a feeling of shame about all of this for them. When one has a role to perform and feels they fail in that, it must be hard to bear. I try to understand and feel sad for my h. as well. He escapes into his world of work. He works hours of overtime and provides well for me. That is how he meets his requirements to care for his wife.

I am sure he knows how unhappy, at times, these events made me. I found my own world to cope with it. We each sought our safe space.

Sometimes you will find your h. will seek you out, as my husband does. Maybe they feel it is a bit cool as I am a lot withdrawn. That is where the pity comes into this. That's when you take a minute to reward the guy to say, "Thank you for what you do for me." I think it maintains some affection between, even though the intimacy has been neglected. I feel sorry for him, who has a woman who loves him so much to try to understand what might be going on with him. It is not in me to dislike him, though I can be angry at times.

I hope little squabbles don't become the norm, but when things are not right with a couple it can be easy to have little flares. Just don't let a few unthinking words cause upheaval when these things pass like a wind change and is gone as fast as it came.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 12th August 2011 at 02:20 AM.
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Old 12th August 2011, 10:00 PM   #768
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

1aokgal, thank you for all you kind words and help. I emailed you this morning and told you I asked him if he thought I was a nun and when he said no I said its because I'm not one. When he came home he just looked at me a moment to see if I was mad and I was not so its okay but I mainly wanted to get across to him that even though we are getting along, I still think about it and am unhappy with it.

I don't want him to get complacent as in everything is fine so he doesn't have to worry about it anymore. Mainly, my point was while I can laugh and enjoy his company, I am not accepting this situation. I mean, I am accepting it because I have no choice but I don't want him to think that its okay that we never have sex.

I am doing well regardless of the situation. It is surprising to me how well I am doing when nothing has actually changed. I think God is helping me and my own personality helps as well since I refuse to walk around angry and upset with him all the time. It isn't okay by any means, but I prefer to handle this by not causing any stress day to day for either one of us.

He has been seeking me out a lot lately and hugging me and even kissing me passionately and telling me how much he loves me and he's been doing this for many days now. I am responsive to him and I put my hands on his muscles and said, 'No one gets to touch these but me, right?' and he said right. It cracks me up that he was continually telling me that his body was mine and I could have it whenever I wanted.

He hasn't said that in quite awhile but I know that his body is mine in that he isn't giving it to anyone else. In the beginning I suspected him of having an affair because he wasn't making love to me. I realize that was untrue but all kinds of things can pop into your head when your man suddenly doesn't sleep with you like he used to.

I am still centering on my life and my projects. I have been spending the past week with him in there and we've had a lovely time but when I go to bed alone it always feels like something is missing. Something is missing of course. At least he's taking his vitamins now which should help him with this problem and keep him healthy as well.

My personal opinion is never let a man feel too sure of you. If he thinks you will love him no matter what he does then he will do whatever he wants and not worry about repercussions. I want him to know I love him of course but he needs to know there are limits as to what I will put up with. We all have limits, including him, and respect should always be present.

When you talk of having customers I wonder if I will ever have customers. I'm just starting out and I've thought, what if I'm buying all this material and supplies and it doesn't work out? I don't make any money? I am determined, however, and trust what you say because you ought to know, its just hard for me to see this happening right now.

It has given me a new lease on life, however. I have something to look forward to and everything I look at I wonder if I could incorporate it into a hat. I needed this in my life. It is the same feeling I get when I paint landscapes, like nothing matters except what I'm doing. I have asked God to bless this new business of mine and I know he will because it is his desire that we prosper.

I don't know what I would do without all the crafts and talents I possess. I am thankful that I do because life would be meaningless without them. I don't understand people who don't have a passion for something. Not a man or husband, but something they like to do.

I have to go make a gourmet chinese dinner now so I have to go. This is probably the shortest post I have ever done.
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Old 12th August 2011, 10:17 PM   #769
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi Baroness..

I know how difficult it is to live day to day with a man you love and you can't reach out and become close to him intimately. Since you are not his good realtive, mother or cousin, it is hard to be affectionate with a pat and platitudes. He tries to pacify you and avoid conflict. Since he is not
the big communicater, you still have the mystery about what goes on with him. You feel a bit more injured from these efforts perhaps, to fake out everything is alright..when it is far from that.

That is a hard position to be in, but I will tell you that little verbal confrontation works like a hit and run. There might be some satisfaction for a second, but you both need peace so you can schedule time together without performance anxiety, stress. The longer is the space between your intimacy, the harder to breach the bitterness as time passes.

A similar situation is that my husband always puts his arms around me and tells me daily he loves me. Sometimes it is hard not to reach out, give him a wack and say, "What planet do you live on?" He wants to reassure me but it does not make it easier, does it? A passionate person wants a whole relationship and not a sham. I think confrontations now will not keep your space open to talk about the nice things you do have together.

I would say bide your time to a more pleasant moment when you have time to talk, and you open the issue by saying, "I feel this way or that." you say "You do this or you do that"..you will have conflict. Your man is not one to talk, without corralling him in a really nice moment. Keep the talk to what he sees for the two of you, if this continues. I wonder what he might say, if asked?
You want to let him know what you expect and what are your hopes.

It would be good if you could set a night as a "date" or plan to be intimate on a certain day. Maybe you can pin him down to some schedule that doesn't involve your TV set. If the two of you could just get together for a nice evening and without licquor involved.

On the house painting he does free. He may feel it is OK to give his services free, but it would seem to me that isn't help to your finances.
When you make plans to create your items, don't extend yourself with a lot of expenses. Remember there are items in the second hand shop that can be cut for fabric and used for pennies.
I made some great stuff with recycled fabrics. The hardest thing for you is to keep yourself on track to so your time together is better than him staring for hours at TV, while you occupy yourself in another room. Maybe you go for a walk and just spend time together.
Oh, wouldn't it be nice to turn back the clock when things were easy.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 13th August 2011 at 12:28 AM.
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Old 13th August 2011, 01:18 AM   #770
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I have tried the 'date night' before and nothing ever came of it. His idea of date night is to go down to that nightclub where we know the owner but he isn't focusing on us or me there, but other people. We have gone to a movie theater before and dinner but not for a long time.

Perhaps when money isn't so tight we might do that but even when it wasn't tight, we didn't do that. We are mainly home together. Even now, he is in there watching tv after dinner. I have movie waiting to be watched that I got from Blockbuster and one he will like and yet its been sitting there for a couple of days. I've reminded him and I'm not doing it again.

The last one I rented he didn't want to see and its taking too long to view these movies when we could be getting another one. Yesterday he was watching a movie I swear he saw two days ago and I told him I couldn't believe he was watching it again. I have movies on the dvr but he isn't interested.

He's stuck in a mode of his own where he keeps watching the same movies or the news. I am just not interested in these things even though I did sit out there with him for a couple of nights. We are big football fans and have our own favorite teams so that is something we always do together. Last night was the first game of the season and he kept reminding me about it for days and then when it came time he didn't want to change it over to the game.

He said he's watching a movie and I said he'd been reminding me about this game for days and now he was going to watch the same movie he'd seen a hundred times? He changed it over finally but on commercials kept going back to the movie and I said I wasn't going to sit there any longer because I was sick of this movie. I said I wasn't sick of it until I watched it every week and that's why I come in here.

I'm not wasting my time watching the same movies. I will only watch a movie I've seen if it has been awhile. It's been a quiet day for us with him not talking much but he liked the chinese dinner. He did have on a funny movie I'd seen some time ago and I was laughing from time to time as I was cooking but after dinner I came in here.

He comes in and says hi and then sits to watch tv and he doesn't tell me about his day or say anything really and so I have to ask and I get tired of that. The past few days he's been volunteering that information and we've been talking a lot and he's been having a few beers. I tell you, the only time he has an interesting personality is after he's had a beer or two.

Of course it isn't always that way but when he isn't drinking he doesn't really talk to me. Oh, once in awhile but not like when he's having a beer. Sometimes he'll only have a couple and sometimes more and I will be out there with him and have one and we will have a good time mostly, but when he isn't drinking he just watches what he wants and doesn't bother to ask me anymore if I want to watch something.

I'm afraid this isn't going to change. It's been like this for going on 4 years now although he's much more talkative than a couple of years back. But when he's affectionate is always when he's drinking beer. When he isn't he doesn't say he loves me or kiss me and if there is any affection between us its me doing it.

He seems to get irritated easier and that has also improved but sometimes he seems agitated but if you ask him if he is happy he'll say yes, he's very happy. He's living the way he wants with the woman he wants in a nice home. He seems to be on another planet when he's thinking and sometimes talks to himself quietly but I can't hear anything he's saying.

He usually does that when he's drinking and when he drinks is when he gets aroused and so I know what he's doing. It used to be he would come in here and make passionate love to me but that isn't the case now and that's why I said what I did this morning. But he just ignores what I say and does what he wants which is to sit out there.

He doesn't have any hobbies like I do so tv is all he does on down time because he loves to do it. He is an excellent musician with the guitar and banjo but he doesn't play either one. The only other thing he likes is to paint and to go up to the canyon but he has nothing he likes to do while at home like I do.

We've never played a game together, whether it be cards or board games and I like to do both. We used to do puzzles together and we are both excellent at that but we've done a lot of puzzles and some of them are framed and in the bedroom. That was the one thing he enjoyed doing. He used to read a lot but doesn't now.

He has my new book I wrote in there and he's reading it from time to time but I don't think he's picked it up in awhile even though he says he really likes it. He's just too busy watching tv! He says that is our entertainment and he won't let me take off any movie channels. This is my life. Is it any wonder that I really like doing the hats?

I keep myself sane by doing things I like to do. I like movies too but there are many other things I like to do. I like photography and a lot of other things. There isn't anything I can do to change the way he is. Most of the time I don't care because I'm busy with my own agenda. Maybe he wants me to sit in there and watch these movies with him but I'm not going to do it.

I've seen them and its a waste of time for me to sit there just because he's in there and likes to watch these movies. I have mentioned this to him several times, why are you watching that again? I can't believe you're watching that again, and Really? You're watching that again? He can do whatever he wants but I'm making my life interesting and rewarding.

Most of the time he's like this old man who has lived his life and now he just wants to sit somewhere and watch tv and eat. This pattern changes from time to time but the tv watching does not. I know there are a lot of women who have it harder than this. I know there are people worse off and very needy and poor, so I really have no right to complain just because he wants to spend his life watching the television.
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Old 13th August 2011, 05:02 AM   #771
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi Baroness..

You are alone when he goes to the canyon so when you might feel lonely there is the time to do good things for you. Hope you get out for short walk every day which you need for your mobility.
Movement is a good thing even with a back problem. I went through problems with health and know how important it is to get exercise scheduled every day. Crafts are fun, but sedentary.

A good thing is to plan to sew when it is so hot outside, and you just want to stay in that cool house. I like to do my hand sewing, as hemming and such, in front of the TV in the eve as it is hard for me to sit without some project.

There might be a time when you admit that situation there isn't worth stressing over around another person. That is when I center my life around myself, my animals and things I do to find enrichment. I basically say, "Whatever!" and do as I please and things I enjoy. When he is here or not here, I plan to meet a friend for lunch or go to a movie with them. We do things together..he and I, but he doesn't center my world. I let him know my schedule a day ahead so he can deal with it. That is when he might go to the bookstore or putter in the garage.

Your husband has interests that don't include you. It seems your life is limited to when he is around more than necessary. I would work on your own interests and get busy on that. He doesn't sound like a very interesting companion, so the break for you to meet a friend will get some fresh air. You don't have transportation and your friend can pick you up.
If you bike, get a friend to go on bike trips. My friend and I drive w/bike racks out to the state park and ride in spring and fall, and we boat in summer. My husband likes to do thst when he is around as well.
I guess you overlooked some of his personality in the glow or is he different today?

Women are often attracted to quiet, introspected men who tend to be a little selfish and macho. Attractive up front, but sometimes not so much years later. It is true that a trait that attracts us, sometimes is the very trait we might not like later. What did you find most attractive about this man?
How long did you know him before you married?

Last edited by 1aokgal; 13th August 2011 at 05:38 PM.
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Old 13th August 2011, 10:32 AM   #772
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

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Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post

Your husband has interests that don't include you. It seems your life is limited to when he is around more than necessary. I would work on your own interests and get busy on that. He doesn't sound like a very interesting companion, so the break for you to meet a friend will get some fresh air. You don't have transportation and your friend can pick you up.
If you bike, get a friend to go on bike trips. My friend and I drive w/bike racks out to the state park and ride in spring and fall, and we boat in summer. My husband likes to do thst when he is around as well.
I guess you overlooked some of his personality in the glow or is he different today?

Women are often attracted to quiet, introspected men who tend to be a little selfish and macho. Attractive up front, but sometimes not so much years later. It is true that a trait that attracts us, sometimes is the very trait we might not like later. What did you find most attractive about this man?
How long did you know him before you married?
Hi

I agree with many things which you have pointed out and I have most enjoyed your unique observations as always, 1aokgal

Knowing Baroness is gaining more and more awareness of her own situation thanks to your consistent and educated guidance, I'm sure there will be more improvement in her life.

Incidentally, have you received my email via your professional site? I was wondering if it might have ended up in your spam box. If my email lacked sensitivity or sounded rather totally off the mark etc then I do apologize unreservedly. I wasn't sure re. boundaries so I tried not to be too intrusive in my email. xxx

Moving around, I agree, should be promoted. If you have an occupational therapist, then he/she might give you more advice. I myself try to be careful not to over-protect myself only because of my illness. It's important to be with people, which makes anyone's life more rewarding. The more one shrinks back, one loses more function. If you are in so much pain, (as I do), it might be worth consulting someone as to how best to cope.

About driving, isn't it rather unusual for someone who lives in a place like California not to be driving? Autonomy is so important and that will reduce dependency to other people e.g. asking for a lift, need for someone else to get your shopping done etc. It simply gives you more freedom but I'm sure you already know this.

Chosen, I did also say, along the line of "some ppl are talented without formal qualifications". I agree, some qualified people can be quite useless if they do not possess certain unique qualities and values above all. In fact, those could cause more harm only if they got qualifications and lacked respect. I never tried to say that qualifications will automatically create a "better" person. So I do think we aren't in serious disagreement there
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Old 13th August 2011, 10:45 AM   #773
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post

Women are often attracted to quiet, introspected men who tend to be a little selfish and macho. Attractive up front, but sometimes not so much years later. It is true that a trait that attracts us, sometimes is the very trait we might not like later. What did you find most attractive about this man?
How long did you know him before you married?
Hi

I do notice on this site that there are people whose partners appear to come across as having certain personality disorder(s). Mine probably has it as well and my h is a well respected pillar of the community because of his profession but that doesn't automatically mean he's free from "maladies" in his private (hidden) life. I'm sure a lot of marriages have these hidden problems. I got mine and others got theirs. It's no big deal. We all have our share. These are a bit like "pesky flies" which simply keep bugging us from time to time.
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Old 13th August 2011, 01:03 PM   #774
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Chamomile, no we arent in dissagrement about the 'qualification' thing at all. Everyone has different talents and abilities, and a degree, to be honest, means little these days.

My brother went to uni, and I choose not to, in fact I was married ay 19 and was working full time and earning a living to pay our rent/bills/food/fares. Intellectually we are very similar however.The sad thing about degrees and similar is that most of my childrens friends who got them, have never used them again after uni, so it does seem a terrible waste of all that time and effort. Still its a good life experience going to uni I am sure, and everything that we do helps to teach us valuable lessons in life.
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Old 13th August 2011, 02:32 PM   #775
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

My son has a first class honours degree , which he worked very hard for along side working part time to keep himself out of debt ,it did secure him a good job in local government. Qualifications are valuable as long as they are vocational based ... or good general degrees in such things as English or Maths.

For jobs that involve any kind of advice or mental health support such as therapists , where people are vulnerable I would say qualifications are absolutely essential. You wouldn't consult a doctor with no medical training and you shouldn't put your mental health in the hands of anyone who doesn't have both in depth training and lots of practical experience. Life experience or having read books on a subject simply isn't enough in my opinion and advising from that point of view can do more harm than good as you have no yard stick to measure by other than personal experience... and every case is different. That's where training comes in.

That's why, in my opinion we do need to exercise caution on support groups such as this, to give people information of our own experiences but never to " tell " them what they should do.
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Old 13th August 2011, 03:57 PM   #776
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

My daughter too has a good degree which she did as a mature student when she knew what career path she wanted to take. She works with children, and she will go on to be a childrens counsellor when she has done more counsellor training.

Consellors/therapists etc can be very mixed. My husband and his ex saw counsellers who were supposedly trained and qualified who were useless. I cant believe what they did and to be honest they more or less drove an already shaky marriage over the edge. Even with training it doesnt always make people good at their job. We still need common sense and life experiences as well.

yes with serious mental health issues, you do need to have teaching and experience when you are dealing with people who are very ill, just as you need a doctor with training to deal with physical illness. Mind you I met a couple of totally useless phychiastrists who quite honestly didnt have a clue, but hopefully most are not like that.

I think that we were talking about general education levels as opposed to specific instances of where you do or dont need training.

I suppose that most teaching/training/degrees are, after all, mainly reading and studying as well as some practical parts (depending on what it is).
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Old 13th August 2011, 04:11 PM   #777
Helen_uk
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I understand what you're saying, but if you chose to use a non professional for anything then you have no idea of the guidelines they use, nor do you have much in the way of a body to complain to if it all goes wrong.

As a counsellor I sometimes felt it necessary to refer people to a psychotherapist and in that instance I would always recommend they chose one from BACP or similar.

The point of a degree is basically to allow a person to start further up a career ladder in theory, although in practice that doesn't always happen.

As far as general education goes , qualifications express a willingness to learn to a prospective employer and most employers these days , unless it's a training position require both qualifications and experience. It's long been a bone of contention for me that not every child performs well in exam conditions and their true potential is often over looked because of this. However that is the way of the world .

My son went into senior school 2 years early because his primary school informed me there was nothing left they could teach him , he was in 6th form at age 15 and uni at age 17 . However my youngest son has an ASD and required support in school. So I've seen education from both ends of the spectrum. Both sons have managed to achieve high levels of education through different routes , but youngest son , who doesn't have a degree has found it more difficult to find work so far , maybe down to economic climate, but at interview stage he often gets overlooked in favour of people who do have a degree.

However , in my opinion intellect and intelligence are two entirely different things.
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Old 13th August 2011, 04:50 PM   #778
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

yes I agree that intellect and intelligence are very different. MY daughters boyfriend(age 26) is the most intelligent person I have ever met. He must have an incredibly high IQ. He knows anything about anything, and I know that if he has been encouraged more and been guided differently he could have easily got a phd and more. He has got a degree in music production and is in full time work, but I sometimes feel that his great intelligence is so wasted.

My son and younger daughter choose not to apply for uni, but are doing really well in their jobs. One is a senior librarian(and loves it) and one is in IT for a Christian charity and has learnt all that he knows on the job. He may well end up as a minister or full time church/youth worker though.
I dont think that uni would have made any difference to them as neither knew what they wanted to do at that time, and also I was not in a position to support them financially either.
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Old 13th August 2011, 05:22 PM   #779
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I was the same chosen with my eldest son , he continued to live at home, went to a local uni and worked his way through paying for his keep . I was not in a position to support him financially at that time. He's such a good lad and insisted he pay toward his keep . He was the first person in our family to go to uni , I didn't have that oportunity , at 16 I was married and at 19 raising my son.

I left school with no qualifications despite being in the top grade for all subjects and sitting 9 O level mock exams , I was pulled out of school by my step mother who wanted me to care for her during breast cancer. When my son went to school, so did I . Took my exams and then did A levels before going on to take my counselling diploma , I would have liked to take a psychology degree but finances- and time - didn't permit.

Now when I should have the time to study I'm too ill. I'm proud of BOTH my sons as the have both overcome difficulties to achieve what they have, in very different ways.

My dad is probably the most intelligent person I know and he has no formal qualifications . My son, who has comes a very close second.

Apologies for the thread going completely off course !
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Old 13th August 2011, 05:52 PM   #780
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

My daughter did consider living at home, but the course that she wanted to do wasnt available at the nearest uni(and that was quite a way away) and also by then she had been living away from home for 2 years anyway and didnt want to have to come back.(she was in her mid 20's) I didnt have any room anyway at that time as I had had to move to a smaller home. She also worked all through uni, at one time doing 2 paid jobs and a volunteer job! Even so,and despite managing her money well, she has still come out with a very large loan, which is sad.

Another interesting thing is that it was picked up in her first year at uni that she is mildy dyslexic, so to achieve what she did was even better. Strange that she went all through school and no one picked it up, and her tutor at uni picked it up. If it had been noticed at school she would have had more help there.

Like you I was married and having children early when most are at uni, but was never interested in going to uni for some reason, although did do O and A levels. I never regretted not going. At that time only a small number did go, unlike now, and it was much harder to get in.

I dont study now as in formal studying with exams, but do read and read and read and have a very enquiring mind.
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