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Old 3rd December 2011, 09:09 AM   #256
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hmmm...that is true Chosen...that is true...EXCEPT...the reason she has NOT made a final decision is because she is depending on God to help her with Helen said. She is waiting for God to show her His desire (rather than counting entirely on her own reasoning or experiences). She is hoping for Him to reveal His decision for her (she is not interested in just assuming that she knows for certain God's intention for Gabby and her at this point)...whether it is to stay peacefully while being "pure" and wait for marriage....or to leave and for God to "open the door" to implement which ever it may be, is she not?...and that is faith too....isn't it?

Baroness, in spite of her "complaining" (which is understandable), truly wants what God wants...she just is not too clear on what THAT is...yet....and is still going through the human reasoning process which considers all things...experience, logic, spiritual, practical and emotional. But God will cut through all of that "reasoning process" when He is ready to. He will...because Baroness is counting on it, and is counting on HIM....that is faith.

Is waiting on God such a bad thing? Shall we demand He work in our preferable time table? Is He not patient with us...should we "hurry" Him?
Will He not be glorified...if that is what we really purpose to do?
Can we "not know" everything there is to know for awhile...if it means finally learning His will when He is pleased to reveal it?

I think it is rather interesting that your disability claim (which you count on) has been postponed again...I think you might want to read 1 Corinth Chapter 13....let me know how you think it might apply to your situation...if you want to.

Patience Chosen...patience.
Ditto Baroness...hang in there.

Big Hugs,

Last edited by Forever; 3rd December 2011 at 10:21 AM.
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Old 3rd December 2011, 04:38 PM   #257
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Amen, Sister! I'm talking to Forever, thanks so much for back me although I shouldn't have to keep defending myself. I have claimed victory in this situation and also claimed prosperity and I just kept saying it out loud as I was praying. I have nothing........but I claim victory. My life is a mess.......but I have victory, and so forth. Nothing is going to cause me to blame God for any of this or to stop praying. If the enemy tries to get you down, no matter what form he takes, then you just cling all the more to God's word and promises.

1aokgal, thanks for the advice about the attorney and he got back to me and said it wasn't up to any attorney to control the way the courts are and how backed up they are and he would be working for me diligently and said hopefully it wouldn't be too long but that they were very busy now. And gabby usually always carries the groceries up, I was just talking about one time and I was mainly trying to get through to Chosen that he wasn't this perfect man and there are things I have to live with that are difficult.

I see no reason to keep on complaining since I've said everything I had to and because I wanted advice; not because I like to sit around and complain. And I think Chosen should be thankful for things in her life. Thankful for a roof over her head that she doesn't have to worry about, thanks for a husbands who pays for everything so she doesn't have to worry about earning her own living, and thankful that she doesn't have to be in the position that I am in!

I have a good attitude and I am feeling positive. Yesterday I cleaned by friends house and dogsat while she was gone and it felt good to be doing something constructive. I started out with just dog sitting for her and now she has a grandchild and can't clean like she used to so she has me do housework and that's what I did all day yesterday. It works out well for the both of us.

Forever is right in that I am waiting for God to show me what to do. Chosen would have me just leave and take it all out of God's hands, but I told her and everyone that I did not want to step out of God's will. There is a small chance this could still work out but I don't know. I want to be loved as a wife when I get married, and not some roommate. For some reason God wants me to stay put a little longer.

I don't know what he's doing or what he wants but I am doing the best I can. It is not unpleasant here. Gabby wasn't upset over what my attorney said, he's been in a good mood except that now he is sick with a cold or something but he keeps going out into the air. I tell him to stay inside until he's better but he won't do it. I guess he will when it gets worse.

He coughs and its in his throat, has no other symptoms. And 1aokgal, I will not carry groceries up anymore and I will not let him take advantage of me. I don't think that is his intention but things are different now. I am not doing 'too much' as you said I do. I know that, I realize that, its the way I've always been, loving and caring.

But perhaps I could find someone that enjoys my love and care instead of someone who seems to take it for granted. Of course he always says thank you, honey, and is making an effort. It could go either way; my life. But I have turned it over to God and there it will remain.

Even though Chosen tries to dress it up, using scriptures from the bible, the fact remains that she isn't helping anyone and if she truly sees this as a playground, then she should remember that she is not in charge of playground behavior; she is not hall monitor. She is the child who bickers back and forth because she can't get her playmate to agree with her and do what she says.

She ignores what her playmates are saying because she just wants to tell them what to do and gets upset when they don't do it. I believe that is called a bully.
Old 3rd December 2011, 05:41 PM   #258
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear Baroness..

I agree very much with your patience with this attorney. They are captive in a system that drags it out for people who need these benefits and make it hard for them with clients they know are in need. That is being in the gov't. pipeline. They will keep you informed and just be patient. We just hope it pays for you.

I hope you have a nice holiday and it is the best time for the two of you. I sent off a package yesterday overseas. Mailing time means it will get there right in time. It sure is pricey to mail to Europe. My husbunds' mother has a decline in her health, so we are grateful we still have some family this Xmas. We hit the sales yesterday and I got a few nice items for them at 40% off usual price. Since my husband was on disability all last year we aren't spending much. I think most families are budgeting so that is where the crafts and home baked things make great gifts for a friend.

Baroness, I just think things will work out for you and your happiness.

The daughter baked fabulous decorated Xmas cookies and fruitcakes and packed them to ship. That is a lovely gift for someone.
If you have a chance, look for a local church with a living creche production. There are several here so so we plan to go this week. I also enjoy to visit a nice Christmas craft show to see all the ideas with lovely handmade items. I am glad to be a friend to you here and hope for your best resolve to be happy. I don't like the self serving remarks or thinly veiled criticism which is uncalled for here on your thread by a poster. You shouldn't have to validate your actions here. We all do the best we can with a life situation and things may not always be as we wish them. We just adapt and forage on. It is sad to see you try so hard. Many of us identify with your struggle. I admire your resolve to listen to Gods' plan for you.
Your faith is lovely and I am glad you share that here.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 4th December 2011 at 04:19 PM.
Old 5th December 2011, 12:10 AM   #259
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Well, I am having a lovely day. I went out christmas shopping by myself and got some really good deals. Things for 50% and I did get gabby a couple of gifts but when money is tight he sometimes doesn't get me anything but then when he does they are very nice gifts; this computer and a digital camera. He is still sick and ran out of nyquil and asked me to get some and gave me the money for it.

I said I would haven't just gotten it but he said I needed my money for Christmas shopping. He isn't doing anything with the van at all so I will probably be going to my mom's with my son and daughter and I don't think there will be room for him and the last thing he said to me was that he wasn't going without a car anyway so fine. My son is picking me and my daughter up on Christmas eve so it will only be for one night. I wish it was for more and I have thought about staying longer but me and Mickey usually exchange gifts after Christmas.

She mentioned her son wanting someone to clean his house as a gift to his wife so I said I would do it. The hat sale will be this Tuesday and I told a friend of mine here that likes my hats and I ran into another friend while I was out who doesn't live here anymore and she said she'd come by too. I'm kind of excited about it actually. And I do these surveys on line and I will be paid for that next week also.

My mom suggested putting up a notice here at the complex that I am available for part time housekeeping and I will start looking diligently for a job again right after the holidays. The job market has improved a little so maybe I'll get lucky. I have thought about it and I think I'm going to stop complaining about the situation here. I notice that a lot of people don't complain about their husbands on here so I prayed about it.

Actually, I'm kind of happier not complaining about it. I've said what I had to and gotten very good advice from most of the people here so I see no reason to keep complaining and thereby continually being upset. When the time comes for me to make the final decision, God will open a door or not and I will just deal with it. I love this time of year and for awhile I was so into thinking about all this that I wasn't having a good time.

Now I am. I'm sitting here after my day of shopping and having hot chocolate in the new christmas cup I bought for myself. I am almost entirely done with my shopping. I just have to get my son one other thing and Mickey, my friend and that's it. Her and I will have a shopping day so I can finish then.

Thanks for being so encouraging in your last post, 1aokgal. Your opinion matters to me and so does Forever's and Helens and Chamomile. I appreciate all of your support and its how I've gotten through this horrible time but now I figure I can't do anything about the way he is so I might as well just make the best of it. My mother didn't think it was odd at all that he keeps a stash of money and doesn't tell me about it.

I was surprised but she said he's saving it for the van and she thinks that gabby will marry me but that isn't the issue, well, it sort of is, but the issue to me is that I am in God's will and she prayed with me, as she always does. She thinks he has trust issues and feels the need to keep things to himself and that God could work that out if Gabby would let him.

So I have no negative thoughts today and I slept really well last night and have been sleeping better. I no longer lay and think about sleeping alone and I lost 5 pounds. I've been walking or riding the exercise bike downstairs every day and so I feel better too. I wish I could send some of you Christmas cards but I understand that people aren't comfortable giving out their addresses.

I talked to my son for a long time last night and he never talks about his personal life. He works in the scientific field and was a temporary worker and they hired him full time and he makes an excellent salary. My daughter has two jobs and she does share about her life and relationships. My daughter in law who is Italian and we get along great broke her foot a couple of weeks ago and she still goes to her 2 jobs where she's an office manager. Amazing.

My brother got a job with the school districts and he has left his wife because she's on prescription drugs and steals his drugs and anyone else's she can get her hands on. She does nothing for my brother, he cleans the house and cooks so he's at my moms and plans to stay there. He is also waiting on God to see what his will is but their pastor said that because his life is in danger sometimes it would be wise to remove himself from that situation.

He no longer loves her and has put up with this for years and it was going on when he married her but my mom and the church pressured him into doing the right thing so he married her and now he's left her, so it doesn't always work out the way Christians think it will. He and my mom put a lot of credence into what the pastor says.

I do not. I know what the Bible says and I don't think its up to the pastor to force you to marry someone who has problems like that. I know the pastor is doing his job but my mom told me that it was ok for my brother to leave her because the pastor said it was ok. I told my mother that it didn't matter to me what the pastor said, but that my brother was happy with his decision. Mom and I believe differently.

I think that just because a pastor says something it doesn't make it law. It depends on how he lives his life and the attitude in which he is telling his flock to do something. As people, we have to make our own decisions and it is really between you and God because its your life. I used to have a really good pastor who was a wonderful man and I would go to him and discuss things and I would accept what he said.

He was a kind man and did everything with love and we were special friends but he passed away and I never found another pastor like him. My mother has been bugging me to find a church, she mentions it every time we talk, so I guess I should do that. I tried one around here and didn't care for the pastor at all.He never came up to me and introduced himself and when I went up to him he was rather dismissive.

They had a potluck afterwards and most were sitting down and eating, including the pastor I had to stand up. I feel someone should have offered me a seat and the pastor's wife never introduced herself to me at all and I was standing right there. The other people were nice though but my mom said I shouldn't go to a church with a pastor who was not friendly and so there's another church but I would have to take a bus to get to it.

I will do that, its just that sometimes my back hurts and its difficult in the morning. I did have to carry the groceries up again because he got worse with his breathing but at least he asked me if I minded. I didn't do a lot of shopping so I just said no, I didn't mind. I think he could have taken a couple of minutes to do it but since i've been telling him to stay out of the air I just let it go.

And he did get worse. He was out yesterday cause while I saw out I saw him and a friend of ours and went over to talk to them and he seemed okay but when I got home he said all of a sudden his chest constricted and he could hardly breathe and I said that's because you have been out in the cold in the mornings. If he won't listen to me then I guess he will have to discover it on his own.

I had started a new novel months ago but hadn't written on it so I sat down a few days ago and started writing. I don't usually postpone when I'm writing but its about scam artists. It is based on a true story of when I was taken advantage of a scam artist and I decided I wanted to write a book about it so others would be aware of how many scams there are out there and for everything.

Its a different kind of book, i've never written anything like it so I've been editing another novel and then decided to give it a go. As usual; when I just start typing things will come to me. I have no idea how you catch a scam artist or when there's several of them working together, so that was the problem. I don't know what's going to happen but I wrote on it and it seemed to be going very well so I haven't lost my touch after all.

Anyway, I am going to go now. God bless my dear friends on this thread.
Old 5th December 2011, 12:49 AM   #260
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband doesn't want sex


God bless you.
I'm glad you feel more positive today. It was a nice day here today. We are watching the concert from NYC Central Park on the TV tonight with that wonderful opera singer, Andrea Bottcelli.

Imagine having a fantastic, wonderful God given operatic voice. The world loves you and thousands line up to hear you sing. You can live in the most opulent suites in hotels when you travel in the world to do concerts. Everyone asks for your autograph and admires you. You have a staff who see you are dressed properly and you have the best the world can offer. Your voice and music lifts the hearts of average person, who hears this music, and are glad we can hear it. They wish they had such talent.

You are blind. Your name is Andrea Bottcelli. Listen to him sing, "Ave Maria" and you will understand the meaning of joy. Then think about what we have. The gift of sight.

Make sure you listen to fine music when you write. When I paint, I listen to this kind of music.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 5th December 2011 at 02:22 AM.
Old 6th December 2011, 02:59 AM   #261
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I listen to music when I do certain things but not when I'm writing. I have to concentrate and the music throws me off. But I have been listening to music lately and having a great time. Today my best friend, Mickey, suggested that I bring my stuff and go over to her house and wrap christmas presents with her. We used to do this all the time and last year when I was here with just gabby it wasn't half as much fun. In fact, I did it in my room and I hated that cause I always like to hear christmas carols while doing this.

Now she lives ten minutes away so I told her I would glady come over. She has this table she sets up and is very organized and we always have a good time together and I help her wrap after i'm done cause she has more people to wrap for. It will be fun and I will spend the night and we'll have egg nog or hot chocolate and listen to the cd that she bought me last year and it has all kinds of great music on including Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra and Elvis, my favorites.

I've always decorated the tree and wrapped presents this way and I can't do that here because he's always watching tv just like my step dad used to do. Now I can enjoy the experience again. I laugh a lot when i'm with Mickey and we always have a good time. She said I could help decorate her tree also. We don't get a tree here. I have one thats in a spiral with lights on it and another one that's kind of tall and has lights already inside but these are both small trees.

We just don't have to room for a live one, especially now that my village is taking up the space in front of the only window in the front room. Sometimes I think how nice it would be to have my own little house somewhere and I would have more room. When I think of that I don't necessarily think of gabby being there because when I think of this it is just me and I can do whatever I want without the tv always on.

These are just traditions that I've had and Mickey has been a big part of them since we met when she was 14 and I was 17 and we were best friends right away. Of course she knows little about maintaining a relationship because she lived with her sons father for a few years and then they broke up and she's never really had a relationship since then.

She's used to being alone with just her dog and likes it that way. Now that she's closer we spend more time together and always have a nice christmas together. Kind of tired tonight.

When gabby went out this morning I told him he would get worse if he didn't stay in doors and guess what? He's worse and now is staying home tomorrow. Men just don't listen, do they? I will be gone for part of the day because I'm selling my hats downstairs. I have everything all ready. The prices on little tags, even silk purple material i'm going to put over the table and my mannequin head and other little stands. I'm all set!

I told my daughter in law she could pick one hat for christmas and she picked one I've had forever and just decorated it. Its a black soft bucket hat that can be worn with the brim up or down and she chose that one so I won't be selling it. It seems like people are more interested in the plain hats, not the ones I've put so much work into.

We'll see how tomorrow goes. If I were buying a hat, my hats would be the type I would buy. That's how I base my business; by what I would like. But not everyone is like me I guess.
Old 6th December 2011, 03:17 PM   #262
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi Baroness...

Good luck on the sale! Whatever goes, if you sell some and talk to people, you will get what they think and how you can make other hats to please. A few ladies started to make these turbans and sell them to those who go through chemo online. That was a whole market there.

The victorian hat trade is fussy and they look for authentic styles and good materials but pay more. The "somewhere in Time" hats are fabulous but the cost to make them is more because of the plumes, silk used for trims. They will sell as high as $500. The ladies will wait several months to get them and the outfits they buy are opulent so they look for hats to set them off. Look at the Titanic film and the hats are beautiful. They also wore these exquisit turbans type hats and these i love to see in films. Good luck!
Old 8th December 2011, 01:56 AM   #263
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I only sold 2 hats and not even one's that I overly decorated, I was disappointed but no one wanted to part with their money but 2 people and there weren't that many people that came to see what we had. I have pictures of the table I set up with the hats if you would like to see it, 1aokgal.

One was a brown knit wool hat and the other a dark blue rabbit hair beret. He's still sick and he hasn't really talked in days. I did have fun down there and they provided cake and coffee for us but only 3 other women were selling things and they were selling things they knitted or make like scarves and matching hats, I did get a lot of compliments but I couldn't see any of these women wearing my hats.
Old 8th December 2011, 05:13 AM   #264
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband doesn't want sex


Great you sold two hats! Craft shows in such a place isn't the best customers for such items but got you out there and proved you can do it. Send me photos to email. Sorry, today was husbands' surgery and I am quite exhausted! Tomorrow I have shipping out to do, but later might get chance to send some photos and look at yours for sure.

Sales on craft things just beginning to hit for Xmas. I think it was good you go these sales. Now, you need to shoot for those church ladies. They have the money to spend and buy a lot.
Old 8th December 2011, 05:02 PM   #265
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Yes, my older friend is a black lady and there are a lot of black ladies in her church; some of them I know. I think that would be better for my hats. Today I'm sewing a table cloth for my mother. I got busy yesterday making travel arrangements for my daughter to arrive here before christmas.

He is still sick so I try to stay away from him (not really a problem)so I won't catch his chest cold but I feel fine and haven't had a cold or flue in many years. As far as things go here, they are friendly enough but I feel detached from the situation and don't think about it very much. I kind of just feel like our better days are over and this is what we have.

Now that the disability case has been extended I won't have an answer for it in January so I need to think of other ways to make money and a friend of mine warned me about getting a job because of disability, just as you did, 1aokgal. Its hard to not want a full time job and make money so I have to think of other ways.

This is the time for me to concentrate on my crafts, writing, and perhaps a part time job, even though I do work for my friend from time to time. This is not the time to dwell on this relationship and quite frankly; i'm tired of thinking about it. This is the way it is here and if a change occurs, then fine, but I can't count on that happening cause he's older and set in his ways and I just can't tell myself that its all going to be wonderful one day soon.

It doesn't mean that I don't trust in God, but I have to be realistic too. I just feel like we have nothing in common anymore and there is a vast space between the two of us. How could there not be? I will always care about him but I can't focus on this anymore. It makes me unhappy and I have a new rule for myself; if you are thinking about something that makes you unhappy; then don't think about it!
Old 8th December 2011, 08:26 PM   #266
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Posts: 1,408
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi Baroness,

Have you tried a product called "Mucinex" for Gabby? It breaks up congestion in the great. You can get it just about anywhere over the counter.
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Old 8th December 2011, 09:55 PM   #267
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear Baroness...

I sent you an email. I do want to encourage you in this time not to dwell on him or his problems. Yes, about the disability ..most states you can't work another job IN THE SAME LINE OF WORK and must earn less than $1,000 month, or you disqualify yourself in the disability process.

You won't likely find any job during December, because firms freeze hiring for new budget to begin in january. If they were hiring, then it would be before Xmas. So enjoy your time and find side income and make plans to put out applications january. Maybe you redo your resume. That would be a good idea meantime.

I really feel you won't find that relationship gets reinvented there. It has been dormant over a year. I don't believe we talk about a physical problem with Gabby. I think it is more about whats' in his head. You should do the best you can for yourself for the future. I wouldn't put any faith that you would WANT to marry that man, when he has so obviously cut you off emotionally and physically. He does what he has to grudgingly for you to keep the roof overhead, as he knows you have little to fall back on. I call that charity, and not love.

I wish more than that for you and your years ahead. So, I hope God makes a way for you and you will find doors open. Your writing is fascinating. I will write you more on that and your website. Just wanted you to know that I think about you and wish you a happy day.
Old 9th December 2011, 09:16 PM   #268
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I'm not sure the word 'grudgingly' applies. He doesn't overly complain about carrying most of the load but would just like help, those were his exact words. He just does the best he can but since he doesn't get a lot of money it gets frustrating when something happens, like the van breaking down. He never blames me for the way things are, and in fact says he knows it isn't my fault.

However; that has nothing to do with our personal relationship, as far as I'm concerned. He can carry the load and have a good attitude and yet still not sleep with me or marry me. I don't feel that this is good enough for me. I might as well live alone; I sleep alone and watch things I like on my computer, I shop alone and I visit my friends without him.

The only thing we really do together is eat, and then that isn't even the case because most of the time I'm sitting at the table and he is not. It doesn't really both me except on cold mornings when I would like someone to snuggle with. I wondered if he had some kind of disease and was protecting me by not sleeping with me but since he's been with me for so long I had to rule that out.

Besides; I would have found evidence of that. We're back to the erectile dysfunction or low sex drive and you may have a point, 1aokgal, that it is mental. How he is mentally has a lot to do with the way he acts, he can only handle one problem at a time and will sit there and dwell on that one problem until it is solved.

Enough said about him. He hasn't slept with me in a long time and has no apparent sexual desire so what else is there to say? We spend most of our time apart even when he is well. As soon as he stopped putting effort into being with me, this relationship was doomed. The only reason it survived this long is because I've been patient and understanding and didn't want to give up.

But there comes a time when you have to sit back and examine where your life is going and I have done this and it is going nowhere; at least not with this man. Yes, we have some good memories but I can't live on memories and I'm starting to think there is really something wrong with him in his thinking process. I think life can be exciting for me again but not as long as I'm shackled to him.

Our finances or other things happening has nothing to do with his lack of desire to be with me and that started long ago so any excuses he gives me (and he's stopped giving excuses) are irrelevant. Even a woman with a kind heard and generous nature and has the patience of a saint, has to give up eventually and face facts. I'm not saying I am perfect but I am saying I have treated him well and loved him with all my heart and I feel he is treating me unfairly.

Anyway, life goes on and we do the best we can. If he's fool enough to lose me then so be it. Do I really want to stay with a man who does nothing to ensure that I stay with him? A little effort? Something? He has the benefit of a wife without having a wife and even his ex wife didn't treat him this well.

I'm beginning to think all men are flawed in one way or another. Either with cheating, drinking, drugs, porno watching, anger problems, or just being stupid.
Old 10th December 2011, 12:08 AM   #269
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi Baroness...

It is a sad fact that one can beat the head against a brick wall only so many times before we pack up our kid marbles and say,"OK, I got the picture." When one person reaches out and the other draws away or makes excuses that goes on eternally, a person learns that it isn't worthwhile to keep putting forth the effort. That is a sexless relationship or marriage and it is hurtful and sad. When two people share a space and there is a world apart there is little warmth and while there is no hostility, there is no warm fuzzy comfortable feeling either. Who wants to be old before their time?

Maybe he is flawed in thinking. Maybe he is assexual, and maybe he has gone past the time when that is a drive he cares about. When one longs to reach out and be intimate, share laughter and nice moments, and the other doesn't, it is understandable that at some point, that man no longer looks that good. It is like eating gumdrops. You may not like gumdrops, but if they were put off limits, and you never had another, you miss the red and yellow ones. You miss the times when it felt comfortable to just bask in the warmth of the moment with the man you care about. Time passes and it is sad to feel very alone.

I know exactly how you feel.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 12th December 2011 at 03:46 PM.
Old 10th December 2011, 12:59 PM   #270
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

You are wrong that all men are flawed in the ways that you mention. I know many men who arent into any of those things, and I know some women who are. There are good and bad in both sexes.Balance is everything.
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