Contact or No Contact...help!

Hello - thanks for reading this and apologise if it goes on a bit.

On the 15th October '12 my world fell apart, shattered into tiny pieces. I heard the classic ' I love you but I'm not in love with you' from my wife of 4 and a half years (been together 10 years overall) and before she'd even finished I stood up and tried to mutter the words ' I love you (name)' and walked out, got in the car and drove, just drove round and round like the thought and emotions were in my head. 10 hours later I ended up at my sisters house who only lives 70 miles away. There I went crazy my mind just turning over at 100mph what was happening, how did it all go wrong, was she seeing someone else? 2 sleepless nites later I returned to face the music. Tears started to flow, 'I can change I said' 'I will do anything' I pleaded and begged, lets goto see a therapist or councilor I suggested but she was hard, 'It won't make any diffence' she said 'I cant change the way I feel' I waited for the kids to come home so we could both be there to explain and after the tears flowed and hugs were released I said goodbye and left the family home (i regret this massively). That week I phoned and texted her to beg and plead for a 2nd chance but she said I'd had a 2nd/3rd/4th chance (she never once sat me down and explained how she felt and one day she'd be gone if I didnt change my ways).

The grieving is subsiding and I'm reading and reading like no one else to try and make sense of what has happened, I go over different forums post of other people in similar situations. I bought a book written by Gary Smalley - Winning your wife back before its to late (a bit to spiritual for me) and it mentions that my wifes spirit is closed of towards me and no matter how hard I try to crack it she will resist and what I should do is be soft and tender, honor her, be patient, supportive, avoid blame, dont criticise, dont set a time scale etc etc which is what I have been working to but then I read some posts that I shouldn't contact her at all, avoid any contact with her for 3/4 weeks but this contradicts everything Ive been doing plus I have to have contact with her so I can pick kids up.

I currently live with my parents and they have been rocks. She is still at the family home with the kids and I pay for everything mortgage, gas, elec, council tax, insurance, phone, cable, broadband plus I maintain her financially so the kids don't start eating the text books! She even has the family car so she can run the kids here there and everywhere but she maintains that she doesn't want the house and once she finds somewhere the housing association will 'support her rent'. All she said is realistically that isn't gonna happen till the new year but I know she has got the ball rolling but I have said stay and haven't given her any time scale what-so-ever hoping that she will find it hard to leave the family home. I dont want the house back, whats the point of a family home with no family?

My question is tho do I carryon doing what Im doing seeing the kids when I like on her terms and if its convenient, we are pleasant to one another and shes there while i spend time with the kids. She makes conversation about small things which is nice and sometimes just for a minute it feels like normal. OR do I write her an email/letter detailing when I can see the kids and times I can pick them up and have no contact with her other than when I pick them up. I'm finding it hard to make a choice as I know 1 wrong step will kill the marriage forever.

Inbetween the above I have been getting on with my life, Ive been doing things I enjoy to keep my mind occupied and Ive joined a gym out of the area to meet new people and be around new faces.

Thanks for reading, any help or advice or suggestions on books to read will all be appreciated. Addionally if something doesnt make sense I will try to clarify.

Thanks

H