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Old 8th April 2005, 04:27 AM   #16
cdaae665
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

Helen,

I hope you don't mind me picking at your brain. I have visited many relationship counseling forums, and haven't until now found anyone with similar feelings to my own.

I married at 19 after becoming pregnant. My husband professed his undying love to me and wanted to go into the military so that my hospital bill would be covered. I did and still do consider that it was a very courageous and commendable decision. He was so happy and willing to do whatever it took. We had known each other for 5 months, dated for four. Although I was uncertain that I could ever love my husband the way he loved me, I married him for the sake of our daughter. I did what I thought was right at the time. I decided that surely we were meant to be, since we had a child together, and I decided that my feelings would evolve as we grew together. I never really took the step to move past a lot of the doubts and fears I had about my new life as a wife and mother. I have since experienced frustration on a regular basis, wondering, what if? What if I could find someone whose feelings were equal to my own ? I often wish to experience the feelings my husband has towards me. I often daydream, and night dream, of the utter comfort and satisfaction with another. It has been a rocky road. My husband tends to lean towards the emotionally immature side. He has lied, stolen, raged, and verbally abused. I have my shortcomings too, believe me, and I have continued the marriage despite my true feelings for six years. Even now that he is willing to change and is working on his problems, I feel the immense desire to move on and work on my own, without him.

Anyway, enough with the senseless drivel. I have a few questions for you that you have no obligation to answer, if you choose not to do so.

1) How long did you keep the desire you had from your husband?
2) Did your husband tell you that you were the only one he could ever be with? Did he profess his love to you often, his attraction to you? How did you respond?
3) Did you ever discuss divorce and/or your feelings with your husband, only to sink back into the "normal" routine?
4) Did you have doubts during the dissolution of your marriage? Did you ever have doubts after the "smoke cleared"?


I guess I am just very uncertain about my situation. My family and some friends urge me to end the marriage, especially in light of his past transgressions. I believe marriage to be for better or worse, but can't seem to lose this gnawing feeling that I will never be truly comfortable around my husband. I love him, care for him deeply, but it almost feels sisterly sometimes, more familial than marital. A lot of people say that if each partner is willing to work proactively for the marriage, it will flourish, but I can't seem to muster the desire.

Thanks in advance for answers and insight if you are at all willing to offer them. If you would prefer to answer privately, let me know.

Sarah
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Old 8th April 2005, 07:12 PM   #17
helenrw200
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

Hi Sarah, no I don't mind answering you at all.

1) How long did you keep the desire you had from your husband?
My husband pretty much knew from the start that I didn't love him in that way, I think he hoped it would grow in time, we had been friends for a few years before we got together.

2) Did your husband tell you that you were the only one he could ever be with? Did he profess his love to you often, his attraction to you? How did you respond?
Yes he often said this, especially in our first few years of married life, generally I avoided answering him, my heart would sink, if he cornered me we usually ended up arguing , he was often annoyed by what he termed my " cold heartedness " but he insisted on bringing the subject up at times.
3) Did you ever discuss divorce and/or your feelings with your husband, only to sink back into the "normal" routine?
Many, many times, I even left once before, but he and my family always managed to talk me round and in the end I gave in for an easy life, my son was autistic and I feel his opposition to change was often used as a stick to beat me with, not from my son but from my husband.
4) Did you have doubts during the dissolution of your marriage? Did you ever have doubts after the "smoke cleared"?
I never doubted in the end that I'd done the right thing, but I did feel guilty most of the time. During the divorce we pretty much didn't speak, unless it was hello or goodbye as he picked my youngest up or dropped him back.
When he met someone else I have to admit to feeling a twinge of jealousy, we had been together a long time and it was hard seeing him with someone else even though I knew I didn't love him, especially as she was an old friend too, whom I knew. I overcame all this though, deep in my heart I knew I'd made the right decision for the right reasons. We get on much better now, they even came round as a couple on Xmas day to see the kids !

I felt a kind of friendly love for my ex , he was ... is a good man, but the passion was missing , the being " in love " was never there, we were comfortable together, rubbed along ok most of the time, but I knew it wasn't all it should be, and not only for me. While we stayed together, he was also missing out . We are still quite fond of each other and probably talk more now than we did when we were married !

In the end, you have to do what suits you and your circumstance, easy for friends and family, and even counsellors to give advice, but they are NOT the ones making the decisions and having to live with the consequences. I hope some of this helps, keep exploring your feelings until you know for sure what is right for you.
Good luck and kind regards
Helen
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Old 12th April 2005, 03:18 PM   #18
cdaae665
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

Thank you for answering my questions, Helen. Your situation is considerably different than mine in that your husband was a responsible and healthy person, and took care of himself as well as you. It's wonderful that you and your ex-husband are happier after making a very hard decision. I will continue to explore my feelings. It's difficult having all the opinions of others floating around in my head, but I am continuing to try to listen to my own instincts.

Thanks again and I wish you the best.

Sarah
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Old 12th April 2005, 03:55 PM   #19
helenrw200
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

You're very welcome Sarah,
You're completely right , every situation is different, and that's why it is almost impossible to give advice in this situation. In the end it's very much down to each individual and circumstance. My ex husband was outwardly a very caring person, but, he was also very controlling , to begin with, I didn't mind this so much, I guess I needed someone to take over for me, but eventually it began to have an effect on me and that's what prompted me to leave, he still tries sometimes to exert control, but as I no longer live with him, I can stop it, he was never a bad person, never violent or abusive, but quite moody and harsh.
Trust your own instincts, eventually you will decide what's best for you.
kind Regards
Helen
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Old 12th April 2005, 04:28 PM   #20
London
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

helenrw - it's refreshing to read that you not only acted in a way that made everyone happier but also tried all your options. Its depressing to read how many people will just stay in a situation bc its the "easier" thing to do rather than what is the best thing for all.....
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Old 12th April 2005, 04:47 PM   #21
London
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by Concerned Reader
Dear Helen

Robin has a great deal at stake because she has her professional standing to consider. As a teacher, one of the primary concepts she has to deal with is the idea of making and keeping a promise. It could be very undermining to her professionally to be standing before a child - or parent - and asking for people to honour their committments, only to have them jeer 'Why should we? You don't.'

....

The price for her divorce (which I personally wouldn't recommend) is that she will carry responsibility for the break-up and she had better be very sure that she is going to be happy with what she chooses as men like her H are rare. I wouldn't put money on finding another one as good as that. Being brutal, the eldest children are grown, Robin is not getting any younger, the pool of available partners is getting smaller (unless she is going to start looking for the toy-boys, and they are notorious for running off after five years when the older women start hitting the menopause) and of the available men, most of them have also experienced divorce and have complicated families. Some of them might be paragons who were divorced against their will, but a fair number may have been divorced for very good reasons. Robin may be choosing not between a dull marriage and great passion, but a dull marriage and being alone.

(Some people like being alone, but Robin has indicated that she seeks passion and engagement.)

With the risk to her professional standing, the unknown effects on the children, the poor chances of finding another partner who can hold a candle to the one she has now.... I'd say it was time to find all the attactive things about this man so that she can and give the marriage one last big try to make it as good as it could be. After she has done that, if still necessary, then it is time to answer the question 'how long do you wait?'

Personally, in nice comfy billet like that, I could take a couple of decades to reach an answer.
Concerned Reader,

I cannot understand why you are condemning a woman to remain in a marriage when she DOES NOT love her H. The reasons you cite above make no sense.

You suggest she stay because some parents at a PTA will "mock" her for not keeping her word bc she ended a loveless relationship?

You cite bc she "has it easy" at home she should stay and just enjoy the ride (only bc you would)?

What about being honest with yourself and your partner and acknowledge that the marriage is a sham? Are you suggesting that love does not matter in a marriage and she just coast thru it to "squeeze by" for several more years?

The wedding vows were to "love and to cherish". Guess what, the love is gone or was never there....
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Old 12th April 2005, 06:44 PM   #22
helenrw200
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

Thanks london,

I guess it can be very frightening to go into the unknown, even when you know deep down it may be the right thing to do . Some people find it easier to stay, some find it easier to leave, in the end it all comes down to what you want from life and what you can physically and mentally do to obtain it . I've never been a believer in staying in a marriage or any situation come to that, for the sake of it , if it's not right then sometimes you have to fix it. If you can do that and stay in your marriage then fine, if not ...
Helen
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Old 12th April 2005, 07:10 PM   #23
robin
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

thanks for all the messages on this topic, I know my marriage can't be fixed, but have decided to take the antidepressants for a while to enable me to make more rational decisions. I've given a lot too and haven't just had an easy ride, I 've always worked hard in and out of the home and done my very best - but when the chemistry isn't there ...... my doctor did point out to me though that I probably have a better marriage than lots of people! It is the total lack of desire for intimacy that saddens me the most, I don't want to hold hands or hug with my husband, but have enjoyed doing those things with other friends (don't mean that to sound like I've been "around" I mean just general hugging of male and female friends!)
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Old 12th April 2005, 07:32 PM   #24
London
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by robin
thanks for all the messages on this topic, I know my marriage can't be fixed, but have decided to take the antidepressants for a while to enable me to make more rational decisions. I've given a lot too and haven't just had an easy ride, I 've always worked hard in and out of the home and done my very best - but when the chemistry isn't there ...... my doctor did point out to me though that I probably have a better marriage than lots of people! It is the total lack of desire for intimacy that saddens me the most, I don't want to hold hands or hug with my husband, but have enjoyed doing those things with other friends (don't mean that to sound like I've been "around" I mean just general hugging of male and female friends!)
Robin, its exactly what you describe to me that saddens me the most about your situation and others in a similar plight. You seem to be giving up on the one thing in a marital relationship that differentiates itself from a platonic relationship and makes it worth staying and fighting for ... the presence of intimacy.

Without that, I am not sure any marriage is "worth" it. Why deprive yourself? Your son will pick up on the lack of any real intimacy or desire for your husband and whether he manifests it in any discernable way or not, he will be far more affected by that than say separating from your H.

I know its a tough situation emotionally and physically to be in.... I only wish you can get the strength to realise that *you* are worthy of having an intimate relationship with someone...
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Old 13th April 2005, 12:48 PM   #25
Spring271076
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

Dear Helen, Sarah and everyone else out there,

I have been using this site now for many months and appreciate all the advice, comments and help that have been put my way (both positive and negative).

Unlike some of the insights into people's lives recently, I was in love with my husband, but and now no longer. I have been married now for 6 years and there have been underlying problems that never went away. I tried to speak to my HB about these issues, but he stuck his head in the sand and did not want to listen or chose to ignore matters as that was an easier route, I am not really sure. After many years these minor issues slowly became major and after our holiday last year I knew I was not feeling as I should do. I battled away with myself, trying to figure out what the problem was and slowly reasilsed that I was no longer in love. I have been asked countless times to describe what I think love is, I am not sure anyone can truely answer this, but I knew in my heart I was unhappy. Everything else in our relationship was fine, or I was happy to carry on with the status quo, but eventually something has to give.

So in October last year I dropped the bombshell that i did not love my HB anymore. For those reading this who have had this happen I just want to say that this was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and it was never an easy decision. I hoped that by facing this problem we could work it out. But again HB decided to ignore things in the hope that they would go away. I can not remember the amount of times I told him that this was not helping him, me or us. This was the only time he also seemed to reach out and try to save our marriage. After that time he has seemed to accept it and just get on with things (I am sure this is not the case and it is just self protection). I advise anyone not to do this, don't constantly go on at your partner, but please show him or her that you want to fight for them, for your marriage.

His behavious has left me extremely confused and has not helped our situation. In fact we are currently having "time apart". Something I am still trying to get my head around. I am not saying I think I will change my mind about my HB, but it is not easy.

I have found that both friends and family are confused by my actions. It would seem easier for them to understand if one of us had had an affair or had been abusive. To me this is odd, yes I may heal quicker if I had that whole anger, betrayal thing going on. But we have had 10 good years, ones I would never change. Although I don't believe I need to explain myself to anyone, our relationship has come to its natural end.

Sorry, just having a bad day and needed to write something down. If I had any advice to give I am a strong believer that you only have one chance of happiness in this life, as long as you have tried, tried and tried again you know you have done your best.

On a bit of an emotional wobbler
Spring
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Old 13th April 2005, 02:22 PM   #26
London
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

Spring271076 -

Your post has really hit home.. Your situation is very similar to one i had. Funny thing is we were both feeling something was lacking but just didn't know what it was or how to "fix" things. We didn't have an abusive relationship nor did any of us have an affair. It would have been easier to deal with those as reasons.....

While our friends and family's reactions were to be expected - as they all thought we were the "perfect" couple, we both knew that deep down, there was something missing or that had changed. We tried to carry on with the status quo, but something was still amiss. Eventually, we decided that it would be best for us to break-up.

After several months of confusion and heartfelt pain, I realised that even though I still loved her I was not "in love with her" and that it was still okay to love her in a different way. It was the best decision we made since the day we decided to get married!!
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Old 13th April 2005, 02:52 PM   #27
Spring271076
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

Hi london

Thanks for your post, reading what you had to say is pretty much describing my very thoughts and feelings.

Are you still with your wife?

I am finding it so hard to deal with at present, even if I was the catalist of all this trouble. I know deep down that in time I (and HB) will heel and I hope so whole heartedly that I will be happier. Actually I believe I will be. As I have nothing to feel resentful about I feel in limbo, almost stuck in a sphere which i can find no way out of.

I think this will become worse as my HB will return to our home in about 3 weeks, and will stay until works on the house are completed and we sell or I buy him out. I feel this is causing me more trouble than I realise. Living in the same house, seeing friends, and just breathing the same air is suffocating. I have thought about renting elsewhere so the interim, but can not afford to keep 2 households going.

All this was brought on my HB trying to contact me last night, my reaction was we are meant to be having a separation, please give me my time. I never told him this as I came back to an answerphone message.

I am fine if I am with my friends, going out, keeping busy, but as money is obviously tight at present it is those times alone that eat away at me. I am not even 30 yet. Various friends have been trying to build my confidence up, usually by trying to arrange dates for me. But this is way too soon for me, I need to heal myself, have some me time first before even worrying about how to start dating again. A daunting issue really, but not one I wish to face at present so I'll hit that mark when I get there.

I think I am seeking answers I may never find, but it is wonderful to know I am not the only person feeling like this and that means more than anything.

Spring
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Old 13th April 2005, 04:11 PM   #28
London
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spring271076
Hi london

Thanks for your post, reading what you had to say is pretty much describing my very thoughts and feelings.
Quote:
Are you still with your wife?
No, we separated six years ago.

Quote:
I am finding it so hard to deal with at present, even if I was the catalist of all this trouble. I know deep down that in time I (and HB) will heel and I hope so whole heartedly that I will be happier. Actually I believe I will be. As I have nothing to feel resentful about I feel in limbo, almost stuck in a sphere which i can find no way out of.
I know while we going thru our "trial" separation, that it was actually very painful. I would walk to Tesco's and all of a sudden i would be depressed as we always did that together. Returning home after a business trip to an empty house (despite the cats being there) was painful. I used the time to write a lot and do some soul-searching and the more I did that the easier it became. I remember feeling and so did my ex-wife that it felt as though we had just "lost our best friend". It really felt empty. Above all, i missed her presence. But as time moved, I learned to let go and kept reminding myself that we were just not happy together - despite the moments I'd rationalise that if we were back together we can male another attempt at it. Realistically, that was not going to happen - there was just too much water under the bridge to ever "start over again". We knew each too well.


Quote:
I think this will become worse as my HB will return to our home in about 3 weeks, and will stay until works on the house are completed and we sell or I buy him out. I feel this is causing me more trouble than I realise. Living in the same house, seeing friends, and just breathing the same air is suffocating. I have thought about renting elsewhere so the interim, but can not afford to keep 2 households going.
I hear waht you are saying, but you will need that space just to keep sane and to let yourself really do some soul-searching. Is there anyway you can even find a bed-sit?

Quote:
All this was brought on my HB trying to contact me last night, my reaction was we are meant to be having a separation, please give me my time. I never told him this as I came back to an answerphone message.
Perhaps you should try to establish some ground rules - that you will make contact when you are ready. We had the same issues and I wanted to see her as soon as possible. We took a whole month apart with no more than 1 or two emails (to let her know about phone messages and post) before we actually met up. And when we did, we decided NOT to talk about the relationship. It would have been too soon.

Quote:
I am fine if I am with my friends, going out, keeping busy, but as money is obviously tight at present it is those times alone that eat away at me. I am not even 30 yet. Various friends have been trying to build my confidence up, usually by trying to arrange dates for me. But this is way too soon for me, I need to heal myself, have some me time first before even worrying about how to start dating again. A daunting issue really, but not one I wish to face at present so I'll hit that mark when I get there.
Surround yourself with friends and just go out and see what develops. I know thats what my W did and it helped ease her pain.... she start "sseing" someone a little after 4 months (into our agreed 6 months separation).

Quote:
I think I am seeking answers I may never find, but it is wonderful to know I am not the only person feeling like this and that means more than anything.

Spring
The answers need the ability to flow out of you - they are not anywhere but inside you - pick up a piece of paper and pen and just write - do not filter anything. That's what worked for me - i discovered that by asking questions through my writing and answering them helped me understand my issues....
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Old 13th April 2005, 05:09 PM   #29
helenrw200
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

London, don't answer this if you feel you don't want to, but has this experience stopped you from being with someone else ? Have you had another relationship since the split with your wife ?
I ask because you seem such a" together" person and I can identify with a lot of the straightforward postings you write.
Helen
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Old 13th April 2005, 05:24 PM   #30
London
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by helenrw200
London, don't answer this if you feel you don't want to, but has this experience stopped you from being with someone else ? Have you had another relationship since the split with your wife ?
I ask because you seem such a" together" person and I can identify with a lot of the straightforward postings you write.
Helen
helen - i am not exactly sure of what you mean, but i got involved with a wonderful woman about a year and change after my split with my wife. Unfortunately though, it is not without its complications as it's a long distance relationship where we only see each other about once a month for about a week or so. This of course raises other relationship issues that make it difficult to maintain....

While I'd love to move closer to her or vice-versa, it would not benefit us professionally for the time being. I would not be able to work in the area she is in and she wants to / needs to be close to her family for the time being. So, for the time being, we're dealing with the distance and hope to resolve it sometime soon.

What about yourself? What is your status

I do apologise of I have offended posters here by my "straightforward" posts - i know that term can be used to be polite about someone who can sometimes "be in your face" Its just that I don't often see the point in trying to pussyfoot about with emotions.... Not everything in my life or in most people's lives is black or white - it has never been such, and part of my stratightforwardness is a way i accomodate the varying shades of grey that make up my life....
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