I'm in the wrong but so confused

Hi there,

I've been hovering a while, hoping that someone would have the right answer without me having to admit how much of a cow I've been..

I've been married for just over 2 years but we've been together 8 and living together 6... Everything hasn't always been peachy but we were mostly happy.
My husband is a very intelligent articulate person who sees or hears something once and almost instantly knows everything about it. I'm not.
His brain works at 100 miles an hour and his mouth even faster, its very hard when he's talking to get a word in edge ways..
He's funny and spiteful and beautiful and thoughtful and caring and quick witted and lazy and a dreamer with a white knight complex... He has more jobs in different careers than anyone could imagine. Our best man calculated it to about 16 different jobs in 10years in the speech but its actually higher than that.
When he gets bored of a job he just stops going.. finds another one or not.. he's just started a whole new career path and back at college for that. I'm so proud that it looks like he might stick with this one, he had been out of work through reduntancy for over a year, he suffered with depression and had endless fights with his family during the past year, as he is content to let them bail us out time after time.

I got a job as soon as I left school and have been in constant employment ever since.. barely even using all my holiday days up. My parents are both acholoics and my dad died when i was 15, my mum had a new man living in our house 3 months later and I and my baby brother both act as though I am the mum not she..

I cheated on my husband. He's a good man and didn't really deserve it, he found out and we are trying I think to work at it, but I cant with any conviction give him a reason that works for him for hurting him the way that i have. It was with a guy from work and now my husband wants me to never step a foot back inside the building... It feels unreasonable even tho its justifiable. No i never slept with him but for all intents and purposes I turned to this guy instead of my husband for nearly 4 months.

I don't know whether my marriage can survive the pain and mistrust or even if I love my husband any more... neither of us are behaving like ourselves.. how do we know if we can get past it?? help me!!

(sorry for bad grammar and spelling I struggle at the best of times... )

[abely]

Hi

firstly its great that you had the courage to admit you were wrong. and not blamed him or anything else.

I know its hard at such times when things go wrong and it feels you don’t know what you want and feel lost as its hard for you to be feeling so low as its hard for him to be hurt like this. But you have to step back out of all of this and look at yourself and your husband and think about what you want in this life, like...

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him or not, Do you love him and do you want make things right or not...

To me, cheating is the hardest thing to deal with, and if he is still with you, then that is the biggest sign that he actually wants to try.. and don’t expect him to more than that... and if you asked yourself and found that you love him.. and i think you do, or at least for sure you care very much... then do what ever it takes to fix everything.. and the only way to do so it to go all out and give him all the love you can like never before and as there is no physical relationship involved he would probably get over it if you tried your best.

And honestly his request to ask you to stop working there is reasonable and fair too. It will be hard for you, but marriage is worth it and its the only way to build the trust again, as without trust it will never work again. and if its very hard to leave your job... then may be show him that you are welling to do anything for him and start looking for other jobs just to make him feel comfertable and that you are doing soemthign for him.. be and open book and give him every reason to trust you.. and you never know may be he will and wouldnt need to change your work.

Finally, Dont put yourself down, you both are equal as he could be clever and has strong personality. But am sure you have many things special about you too. You had tough life and you came out of it fine so always look up and try your best and you will be ok.

For why you have cheated... no reason will justify it to him even if it sounded good to you... so just admit you were wrong to him and say sorry... but still try to find the true reason you cheated for yourself.. and then work on so you wont fall on such thing again... and if it’s something because of your past or of how your husband for example not giving you attention or love you needed... then try to hold on strong till this hard time passes and as soon as things get better bring it up and try to explain to him how you feel without bringing it as the reason for cheating but as you asking for his help and support.

Wish you best of luck

[Chamomile]

Hi

Sounds like he has some problems himself. You sound far better or well adjusted kind of person socially and in other levels e.g. occupational, looking after your family from early on etc. He sounds somewhat unstable. Maybe, he doesn't get on with people that well and hence changing his job so much? Maybe, your marriage has come to a point where these problems started to show. It's worth getting some counseling.

Calling women (including yourself) "a cow" is not very nice. Don't do it to yourself or to anybody.

xxx

[Raymond]

I agree with Abely on this one. Marriage does not work without commitment. That is the very nature of it. Whatever his faults there was a breach in the trust through your emotional affair with this chap. The right thing to do is acknowledge it to him and ask for his forgiveness doing what you can to put it right and building up the trust whatever that takes. Once this has been done, and it will take time, then you both will be able to work on the marriage to make it better as Abely suggested.

[Chamomile]

Hi

I'm sure the op knows how badly she has let her h down, judging from what she had already said. It's wrong to condemn anyone, who had posted with her honesty and it's not our call to force her to apologize if she hadn't done this already? After all, people make mistakes and they can apologize in their own time once she comes to understand more about what prompted her to do what she did and I could sense she regretted this quite badly, hence calling herself with names. I'd say, "patience is a virtue, seldom found in women...etc" xxx

I don't see why you think that the husband has problems. He did not do anything wrong. Not wanting a wife that has cheated on you around the guy she cheated with is not to much to ask. I know that she did not sleep with the other guy but don't you think that any infidelity no matter how small is a huge mistake. If this was a guys post they would be ripping on him.