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Old 23rd April 2010, 05:17 PM   #1
luce
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Kids and OW

My X has resumed contact with my son. My son is 17 so it is between them and i dont need to get involved with that. They have met twice for lunch this week - i can deal with that although it does leave me bit wobbly.

But now X has invited him to go stay next weekend. I dont want my son anywhere near that twatty little bitch who hugged and kissed me and posted on my facebook whilst having an affair with my husband. I dont want it. I want to text my X and tell him to keep that twatty little bitch away from my son. I dont want my X getting my son for weekend either. I want X to **** off. I want to scream and cry.

My son told me he had been invited and asked me how i felt about him going. I probably should have pretended everything was fine but i didnt. Instead i said 'if you want to go then i will deal with it'. Which immediately told him that it would upset me and so he said to me that he wont go right now. He said that he doesnt really care if he goes or not and that if it upsets me he will just wait until i am more over it.

I know this shouldnt be about me. It should be about my son and his relationship with hateful X and that i should probably encourage it. But i really, really dont want him to go. I really want him to wait until i am not so raw. Gawd i am a terrible person.

I dont know how all of you with younger children that have to do hand-overs and visits and stuff manage. I really dont. What a thing to have to go through.
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Old 23rd April 2010, 05:57 PM   #2
Helen_uk
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Re: Kids and OW

This is the ex who isn't your son's biological dad ?

It's hard enough when you have no choice in the matter Luce, it's even harder when you know the ex is no blood relation.. then your emotions are at war . Torn between feeling he has NO RIGHT to have contact because he's a) not his dad and she should not have the benefit of your wonderful child's company and b ) foregone his right to be a part of the family and the fact he has been dad to your son for most of his life and you don't want your son to miss out on that .

It's really, REALLY freakin hard.

All I can say is you have a right to feel your own emotions, there are no wrong ones . Your son sounds like he has his head screwed on emotionally , he picked up straight away that you weren't able to cope with him staying with your ex's tarty totty... In time, believe it or not you won't care as much about her. In time, you will start to pity her . Look what she's got .. a man who has no shred of loyalty . What a catch huh ?

What a great son you've got Luce. What a great job you've done of bringing him up to be sensitive to other people's feelings.

xx
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Old 23rd April 2010, 06:55 PM   #3
UpandDown
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Re: Kids and OW

Hear hear! I agree with the wise one.

And can I just add, LOVING the phrase "twatty little bitch"! Am saving it up to use copiously when I find out Dan has an OW.

Go to your happy place - la la la la la etc

Love Kathryn
x

Last edited by UpandDown; 23rd April 2010 at 06:55 PM. Reason: sp
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Old 23rd April 2010, 08:27 PM   #4
RayCub
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Re: Kids and OW

Hey Luce,

I know how you feel, Hun. During Christmas, my hateful ex moved in with his twatty little bitch, and now my precious little ones have to stay at HER place every time they go with him. When I call to say goodnight, I can hear her in the background. It SERIOULSY bothered me at first, but when my kids come home and tell me how much they can't stand her, I know she isn't winning them over. They KNOW what she's all about; I don't have to say a word, (and I don't). Still, at one point, I had to be the bigger person and tell them it was okay with me if they liked her, all the while forcing myself not the vomit. they still don't.

Our kids are wise, Luce. Follow your son's lead. He loves you so much and you've raised him to be so amazing. Trust in him.

All my love,
Ray
xx
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Old 23rd April 2010, 10:00 PM   #5
luce
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Re: Kids and OW

Quote:
Originally Posted by Helen_uk View Post
This is the ex who isn't your son's biological dad ?

It's hard enough when you have no choice in the matter Luce, it's even harder when you know the ex is no blood relation.. then your emotions are at war . Torn between feeling he has NO RIGHT to have contact because he's a) not his dad and she should not have the benefit of your wonderful child's company and b ) foregone his right to be a part of the family and the fact he has been dad to your son for most of his life and you don't want your son to miss out on that .

It's really, REALLY freakin hard.

All I can say is you have a right to feel your own emotions, there are no wrong ones . Your son sounds like he has his head screwed on emotionally , he picked up straight away that you weren't able to cope with him staying with your ex's tarty totty... In time, believe it or not you won't care as much about her. In time, you will start to pity her . Look what she's got .. a man who has no shred of loyalty . What a catch huh ?

What a great son you've got Luce. What a great job you've done of bringing him up to be sensitive to other people's feelings.

xx
You totally get it again Helen. That is exactly the internal battle i have been having. I am also suspicious as to why H has resumed contact and wanting my son to stay. I cant imagine that H does anything for altruistic reasons so i wonder if he has void in his life he is trying to fill. My son said he seems down. That doesnt mean much though as he never was the happiest camper in town. But i am damned if he is fixing himself through my son if that is what is going on. OMG, i hate him.

Over last couple of hours i have been fantasising about texting twatty little bitch and telling her that she is welcome to my loser husband but if she is as much on the same street as my son then i will beat her within an inch of her life. Thing is that i mean it, i really do. I really think if she goes anywhere near my son i will flip and batter her. That really does say that i am not ready for this.

My son is fantastic and really showed himself to be a young adult in all this. I cant do this right now. Aother forum user who read this thread and mailed me said '- tell em to get ****ED' and they can they can **** off. It is not like my lad is a small child - in time it will change but right now i cant cope.

Thanks so much Helen - you always seem to be able to articulate my scrambled thoughts and help me make sense of them.

Last edited by luce; 23rd April 2010 at 10:24 PM.
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Old 23rd April 2010, 10:03 PM   #6
luce
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Re: Kids and OW

Quote:
Originally Posted by UpandDown View Post
Hear hear! I agree with the wise one.

And can I just add, LOVING the phrase "twatty little bitch"! Am saving it up to use copiously when I find out Dan has an OW.

Go to your happy place - la la la la la etc

Love Kathryn
x
Kathryn, i cant take credit for it.


My beautiful lovely Seven named her and ever since that is what she has remained in my mind.
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Old 23rd April 2010, 10:16 PM   #7
luce
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Re: Kids and OW

Quote:
Originally Posted by RayCub View Post
Hey Luce,

I know how you feel, Hun. During Christmas, my hateful ex moved in with his twatty little bitch, and now my precious little ones have to stay at HER place every time they go with him. When I call to say goodnight, I can hear her in the background. It SERIOULSY bothered me at first, but when my kids come home and tell me how much they can't stand her, I know she isn't winning them over. They KNOW what she's all about; I don't have to say a word, (and I don't). Still, at one point, I had to be the bigger person and tell them it was okay with me if they liked her, all the while forcing myself not the vomit. they still don't.

Our kids are wise, Luce. Follow your son's lead. He loves you so much and you've raised him to be so amazing. Trust in him.

All my love,
Ray
xx
Ah Ray, you are always so amazing. Every time i hear a little more of what you have had to deal with i am blown away by you. The thing that worries me is that i know that she can seem so bloody nice. I liked her, i really did. I cant stand the thought of her making my son like her too. My son has an advantage over me insofar as he already knows what she did whereas i had no clue what was going on.

Funny thing is that i havent had much feeling towards her one way or another since this happened. She is mousy plain girl and I think my H was ripe for an affair and the first younger woman that came along and was nice to him would have been it. She is kind of irrelevent although she was completely out of order because she really pursued my H knowing that he was married and having met me. But my anger has gone all his way up until now. But the thought of her talking to me son fills me with rage and makes me want to flatten her. I do feel threatened too - she took my husband and maybe she can take my son. I do feel like vomiting when i imagine my son making polite conversation with her too - he is well bought up lad.

But i have decided now that this isnt happening. He is not a small child. and he has already said that he wont do it if it is going to be difficult for me and it is going to be difficult for me. So when you say follow my son's lead i think i will. I will trust him when he says that it is not a big deal to him whether he goes to stay with them or not and that he is ok with putting it off until i am more able to deal with it.

You are right, he really does love me, he is amazing and one of the best things to come out of all this is that we are closer than we have been for years.

Thank you all so much for being so bloody wonderful.

Last edited by luce; 23rd April 2010 at 11:15 PM.
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Old 26th April 2010, 06:22 AM   #8
j92cool
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Re: Kids and OW

Dear Luce

I typed a post to you twice yesterday and lost both of them and they were very long. So here I am today giving it another shot.

I know how you feel. Everyone one wants to allow their children to have contact with their dad/mum. But at what cost to us!. What a wonderful son you have. So understanding at 17. I am sure if he had decided to have the contact you would have dealt with it.

Me ex left the country March 2009 leaving my 17 year old son hurt and confused. No goodbye just left. Jarrid now 18 did not hear from his dad until November 2009 on his birthday. Jarrid refuses all contact from his dad as he says he is dead to him. I have told him it is ok to talk to him as he is still his dad but he has no interest. Only Jarrid's closest freinds even know what happened. Jarrid is just too embaressed to tell anyone.

Daniel my eldest had left home before his dad left so he didn't really see the fall out. He was more forgiving to his dad much to my disgust. Ex had almost disowned Daniel who during his teenage years he dabbled with dope with terrible results. Daniel battled mental illness cause by drugs far 3 years, 18 - 21. With my support he is 25 living a normal happy life with his partner and has recently given me my first Grandson.

I was so hurt with what I had believed was his betrayal of me that I lost it one night. This all happened when things were very raw. I have of course since apoligised to him but the hurt was terrible. He had no idea that ringing his dad after he had been texted his dads mobile number would cause such a fuss. His dad had not phoned either of the boys and Daniel rings him.

I should never have made so a scene.

You have handled it much better than I did. Be kind to yourself.

Hugz

Janine
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Old 26th April 2010, 02:09 PM   #9
luce
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Re: Kids and OW

Thanks so much for your support Janine.

I was thinking about you this morning. Have had a great weekend but yet another bad morning. I was wondering around my village with my dog in tears wondering just how someone could be in my life for 16yrs and then one day leave without ever letting me know there was a problem. Then it is nearly 4mths later and i havent seen him since (apart from one time when i bumped into him by accident 10 days after he left and then we only spoke for 10 mins while i dragged out of him about the affair). Much of this has been triggered because my H has just got a new job in the city he has moved to and so he is both living and will be working 60 miles away now. In one way this is a good thing - but it has also triggered a huge amount of grief. I think i will never see him again. Why i would even want or need to see him i dont know.

But it hurts like hell that someone that i saw everyday for 16yrs has walked out without a backward glance and its nearly 4mths later and for 4 mths i have not seen the person i saw every day. Now he is moving job that seems pretty concluded. Not that i want to get back with him or anything but for some reason i really want to see him. I want to talk with him like we used to talk. But i know this cant happen cos he is not the person he used to be. I am not the person i used to be either. I am a person that is so full of hurt and anger and hatred that i couldnt talk to him either. But even knowing this i keep wanting to contact him to ask him to meet for lunch before he has worked his notice out because i know once he is gone it will be too late to do that. Mustnt do it though because i wont acheive anything but hurting myself, i really wont. This is so, so hard though.

So i was thinking about you and what you went through. 27yrs and your husband left the country! My gawd!
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Old 26th April 2010, 02:27 PM   #10
Helen_uk
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Re: Kids and OW

It's been almost 2 years since I saw my ex in person, but despite the fact he moved from London to live with me in Coventry he never went back when we split. In fact in the end it was me who move 150 miles away from my home town . He still lives in what was our house, with my 2 sons . It's a strange set up as he isn't their dad but it was a solution at the time, enabling me to move on without uprooting the ( grown up ) kids who wanted to stay in Cov in what is relatively cheap housing. They all lead their own lives and are basically house mates who rarely see each other.

Because he still lives there other people I know still see him and seem to think I'd want to know what he's doing... the kids never mention him but I had my mother on the phone just this weekend ( we are only recently back in touch ) and all she seemed to talk about was the ex. Did I know he hasn't been there all week, did I know where he was/who he was seeing etc etc... It drives me mad ! I really don't want to know what he's doing or with who !

Of course, even though it's 3 years down the line it drags all the hurt back up and left me feeling unsettled and a bit down... I would quite like him to cease to exist !

So I know where you're coming from Luce , I'm tempted to see the ex sometimes when I go back to visit the kids, but I resist and always make it clear to him he needs to make himself scarce... No contact works much better for me because I can then forget I knew him , I'm angry at my mother for bringing it up, she can be such a stirrer ! Part of the reason mum and I stopped talking was her ability to embellish the truth and turn a drama into a crisis , she just can't keep her mouth shut. Everything has to be re-hashed over and over.

So you can see , even after 3 years , and even though for the most part I'm over it , I still have my moments.. 4 months is really very little time to start to heal after 16 years together but it does get easier.It's frustrating I know so don't beat yourself up.

Hugs

Helen x
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Old 27th April 2010, 04:42 AM   #11
j92cool
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Re: Kids and OW

Hi Luce

I agree with Helen. I think having my ex so far away has been good for me. I seriously don't know what I would do if I got my hands on him although I have had some great dreams about beating him to a plup LOL. My eldest son seems to think I would be interested in what my ex was up to as he often visits his dad's facebook page. I have told him I don't give a tinkers toss what his dad is up to and not to tell me. I don't do facebook never have and never will. I doubt they tell their dad what I am up to. I swear my ex thinks the boys have no mother and he had created them all on his own.

I know it is hard but be kind to yourself it has only been 4 months. You have to work through the greif I know I did.

Hugz

Janine
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Old 27th April 2010, 05:34 AM   #12
mdmquincy
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Re: Kids and OW

Luce, your story shakes me, awakens me to a better-forgotten memory, and I take your experience and project it on for the proper fit, and it is pretty good. 16 yrs. full of wishful thinking; if it doesn't work out i hope he spends the next 16 years going wtf was I thinking :O

J
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Old 27th April 2010, 09:50 AM   #13
j92cool
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Re: Kids and OW

Hi Luce

I meant to add that 16 years or 27 years make no difference to the hurt you feel. Confusion and pain only time can heal. Stop trying to work out why or you will do you head in.

Hugz

Janine
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Old 27th April 2010, 10:15 AM   #14
Hopefull1983
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Re: Kids and OW

Luce firstly you're so strong, reading your posts gives me strenght half the time so please keep with it.

Secondly, please take it from someone who speaks from experience, you really don't want to see him, it helps not a jot, if anything it hinders you're constant moving forwards. I have the 'pleasure' of seeing my husband every damn day and I can tell you it doesn't bring that spark back, talking to him recently (mostly on my part because I'm so hurt by what he's done so I'm very distant with him) feels like talking to a stranger, seeing them doing fine while we're clearly still struggling is just damn hurtfull. I promise you you're so much better being able to sit and imagine your husband being unhappy and regretfull (which he more than likely is) than seeing him putting on his brave face and seemingly doing good. I get to see the husband putting on his brave face, I know deep down he's suffering some what but he doesn't show it in public and rather than wishing him happiness which I always did even after we broke up, it makes me wish that this will all come tumbling on him one day and he lives to regret it just so that he feels half of what I've had to feel.

Honestly, you're much better off not seeing all of this because it enables you to totally concentrate on yourself.

Be strong and keep smiling.
Natalia. x
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Old 28th April 2010, 01:45 AM   #15
luce
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Re: Kids and OW

Thanks so much to you all for being so wonderfully supportive. I appreciate every word.

Earlier today i read your words about me being strong Hopefull and I wasnt feeling strong. I have been really back 'in it' this week and spent a good deal of the day tearing my own head apart and crying. Was feeling like i would never get through it.

But then tonight i had a very good evening - went out with group of friends. They are fairly new friends but realised that several of them are becoming 'my people'. We are going clubbing Friday night and some of us arranged to go camping at weekend. Came home feeling happier than i have done for ages.

What a roller coaster! lol.
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