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What if I haven't tried hard enough...
What if my husband is the love of my life and I never get over him.
Oh, I dunno what's going on with me today. I was getting so strong, although I had my set backs the one constant was that I was adamant that I couldn't go back there, couldn't trust that I was his number one, couldn't live my life wondering if he adored me as much as I adore him, it was my one constant feeling. Focus on the present and future and not the past!
I spoke to my husband yesterday, basically told him how angry I was at him for putting me in the position that he did dating the woman in work, turning up at the social event and sitting so close to me, not texting to say 'thinking of you' on what would have been our 9 year anniversary, the fact that he's still working in our office and he should have had the decency to leave by now, the fact that I thought he was still seeing her even though he has promised me that he wasn't, the fact that people in work had noticed that they had been seeing each other (exactly what I said would happen). I literally just offloaded onto him everything that had made me so angry over the past few weeks, more angry than back in September when he broke up our marriage, more angry then me living in limbo for months, more angry than I've been over any of this. I basically told him that in doing everything he's done over the past 6 weeks that he's come extremely close to jeapordising any chance of a friendship we might have had. Anyway, he apologised for everything (I'm sick of the apologies so this meant nothing), and he was adamant that they're not still seeing each other, he said they do still talk but they're not together and they wouldn't go back there, he's noticed how people are looking at him in work and how people have started treating him differently and he doesn't like it and it made him realise how disrespectful they had been now he sees that others are so discusted (why he couldn't realise when he saw how it affected me I don't know). He also said that he's applying for other jobs, he's even considering moving to London to work as there is not much available here (this was a shock to the system, I want him to leave but to be that far away was a bit of a shock to me). On top of all of this though he started going on about how much he misses me, how he has to keep telling himself to quote: 'I thought I was doing the right thing and I have to keep telling myself this otherwise I'll go mental', he also said that he couldn't stop thinking of me on what would have been our 9 year anniversary, it's the most important day of the year for him and I was on his mind all day he just didn't know what to do for the best whether to text or leave it, he also said that he thinks of me constantly and wonders how I'm doing, facebook stalks me etc...etc...it is all of this that is now playing on my mind. I've been here before with him but this time I feel different, this time I feel like maybe I didn't try hard enough, maybe I gave up too easily, maybe I should one last time tell him how much I love him and would be willing to against all odds give our marriage another try. I feel like I'm terrified that he's the love of my life and I'll never feel about anyone the way I do my husband and I feel like I owe it to myself and my marriage vows to suggest to him that we try again. But then part of me is scared and deep down I guess I know it'll just be another rejection and I don't know if I can handle it. I don't know whether he'd reject me because he honestly can't see a future for us or because he's clearly a quitter and wouldn't want to try to make things work or because he's too embarrassed by what everyone would think or simply because he feels I deserve more. I honestly don't know, I'm just so confused today. I love my husband unconditionally, I don't like him for everything he's put me and my family and friends through but I love him and I'm scared that we could be one of those couples that have their happily ever after if I just had the balls to actually suggest a second chance.
I know most of you are just going to think that I'm being pulled back into his mind games, or that I'm hindered getting over him because of us working together or that I'm just having a weak moment and I'll be strong again tomorrow but please those who have given it a second chance please just advise me...did you have to wear your heart on your sleave and bite the bullet to get to where you are? Was/is it worth it? Do you regret it? Am I better off just carrying on moving forwards and taking my chances with the unknown and hoping that one day I'll feel as strongly about another man as I do my husband?
Help.
Natalia. x
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"Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day." - Nicholas Sparks
I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.
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