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Old 20th May 2010, 02:42 PM   #1
luce
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I am doing so well but it still hurts, it really does.

It is 4 months since my husband came home and out of the blue told me he didnt love me, had never loved me and wanted to go live on his own. Completely blindsided me as i thought i was blessed to be married to my best friend. Of course, 10 days later i found out that he didnt go live on his own - he moved straight in with another woman who he had been having an affair with for sometime completely unbeknownst to me.

I was quite literally face down on the kitchen floor many times in the first couple of months. Working from home and living in the country i was very isolated and didnt know how i was going to survive but survive i did.

I am doing so well, i really am. Within a month i had taken myself off to Thailand on holiday, i have re-joined the gym, i have joined a socialising club and made lots of new friends, i have developed some wonderful relationships with people that i have met on this forum, i laugh, i sing, i dance and generally bubble. I have learnt techniques for keeping ok - a powerwalk every lunchtime, the gym, keeping the radio or cd player on, picking up the phone, putting plans in place for difficult times, keeping social diary full. I am even embarking on a programme of self-education by trying to catch up on things that i missed while i was in isolated world with husband: radio 4, newspapers, biographys, contemporary novels, 'quirky & happening' films at cinema, comedy clubs. My life is mad whirl and i am beginning to like it!

But what my husband did still hurts so much when i think of it. I do still think of it many times a day (many times a day is an improvement over constantly). I think of it and i the tears well up. Sometimes they still spill out. It still hurts incredibly that he lied to me for months going from our bed to hers and back again. It hurts that he didnt let me know that there was a problem right up until the moment he announced he was leaving and it hurts that he walked away on 16yrs by dumping a load of ****ty stuff on me then never looking back. I cant comprehend how someone can pull the switch on all those years like that. It all really, really hurts.

The thing is that other people are not getting it. They are starting to say things to me like 'well you just have to move on dont you'. This makes me so f****** mad because what the hell do they think i have been doing with the massive efforts i have been putting in. People wont let me express it anymore. The thing is that i know that people dont want to see miserable faces so i do make big effort to be funny and smiley and life and soul of party when i go out. But occassionally, just sometimes i want to be heard and i want my feelings acknowledged and not to be told i need to forget it, let it go or be moving on. I just want someone to hold my hand and say 'i know hunny, this is so painful, what he did to you was really ****ty and you didnt deserve this, you really didnt'.

So if you guys are able to hold my hand and say that i would very much appreciate it (apologies i am coming up to that time of month where i need bit more loving than usual).
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Old 20th May 2010, 03:16 PM   #2
Helen_uk
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Re: I am doing so well but it still hurts, it really does.

It was really sh***y Luce and you didn't deserve it, truly.

The mind is a very strange organ, it strives constantly to make sense of things that happen, when really there is no sense to be had. What your H did is beyond the understanding of any caring, loving human being I think and that's why your mind is struggling to understand why.

I think people who haven't been through it just can't imagine the immense mental AND physical pain it puts you through , they are shocked and then kind and then after a few weeks assume you should be over it / better off without him / move right along please...... If he'd died you'd grieve and they'd understand, but they don't realize that if he'd died you wouldn't be tormented by his hurtful actions, could look back on the happy memories with love and fondness... I actually felt as if every happy moment we'd had together had been sullied and negated by the things he did to me at the end. It made the whole relationship a lie somehow, it made me doubt my own judgement.. How could I live with this man and not KNOW ?

People are scared too , they worry it might happen to them . After all you were to all extents and purposes a perfectly normal, happy, loving couple... So if they avoid it , it won't happen to them.. will it ? ! Other's just can't cope with anyone emotional , they're embarrassed by it. My mother drove me mad saying she'd " never let any man treat her like that " Well bully for her !

4 months on Luce you're doing OK , you're getting through it at your own pace, carving out a new life , forging a strong relationship with your son . One day he will cease to occupy a moment of your thoughts.... it will happen, maybe not tomorrow, or next week, but one day .

Hugs

Helen x
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Old 20th May 2010, 03:48 PM   #3
RayCub
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Re: I am doing so well but it still hurts, it really does.

Luce, I'm holding both your hands, beautiful, and looking straight in your eyes and telling you that what your **** of an ex did to you was more than sh!tty! He ripped your heart out and stomped on it, and it wasn't fair and it wasn't right! You definitely did NOT deserve what he did to you, and he definitely did NOT deserve a wonderful woman like you!!!

You take all the time you need to deal with this and cope and move on. NONE of us here will ever expect you to move on faster than what you're ready for! Look at me...15 months in and STILL coping!

You are doing so well, luce!!! Just do what you have to do and screw the others who don't understand. WE DO!!! And we love you!!!!

Oodles of love,
Raycub
xoxo
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Old 20th May 2010, 04:12 PM   #4
georgie
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Re: I am doing so well but it still hurts, it really does.

I'm not supposed to be here I'm supposed to be in bed.....
Luce I hear what your're saying too, and agree completely with Helen and Ray..
people just want to move on because as Helen says a lot of them live in fear of it happening to them, and because it just makes them feel uncomfortable... they've made all their suggestions, used up their armory.. so u should just feel better! or they'll feel bad that they haven't fixed u by now too!
It will keep coming at you with waves until the energy of it has burned out, nobody can say how long that will take for sure.
For me the most painful thing to deal with was not the affair and betrayal itself, it was that he still has never acknowleged it to me. He put me through so much extra and uncessary pain by continueing to lie to me and to our friends, and by implying to them that i was some kind of crazy paranoid person which of course was one of the reasons he therefore left me!
The whole experience really shook my confidence, and I'm here 15 mths later feeling ok now, in fact good, but really I do believe it's about a month for every year you were together to get to this point.
Take a word of warning though, dont burn yourself out trying to prove that you are moving on or getting better, pace yourself. This is so so tiring, rebuilding yourself from the ground up is the most exhausting job imaginable.
You dont have anything to prove to anyone. He did something truly truly awful to you, it hurt a lot, more then we have ever expected we'd have to bear, it's going to hurt for a while longer when those little triggers are pulled unexpectedly. The most you can do is genuinely love yourself and be gentle with yourself. You're a wonderful person, you will be ok, just not 100% today.
Dont worry about what other people are thinking or how they are reacting.. the people that have been there understand, we all understand Luce and you have our absolute empathy and support and all the love we can send. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (i was going to refer to my thread to see how i was doing at 4 months.. i'm guessing still dillusional and making excuses for him... you are doing better then you realise)xxxxxx
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Old 20th May 2010, 04:25 PM   #5
luce
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Re: I am doing so well but it still hurts, it really does.

I am sitting here reading your responses and crying like a baby. But it feels good to do this. Thanks for hearing and giving me what i needed. Thank-you! A million times thank-you.

Thank goodness for this forum and you ladies! I cant begin to imagine how anyone would get through an event like this without the love and utter understanding that is here.

I will read each response many, many times before this day is out and each time i will take hold them dear and take something new.

I hope you all know how important you are in my life and how much i have come to love each of you. xxxxx
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Old 20th May 2010, 05:00 PM   #6
Wiggle
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Re: I am doing so well but it still hurts, it really does.

Luce, I think you are doing amazingly well for only 4 months in. I moved out 4 months ago (his house, he doesn't do sharing) and although I'm a lot less upset than I was, I am nowhere near where you are in terms of social life, friends etc.

I know where you're coming from on the 'friends' front too - it's slightly - ok, bl**dy complicated this end because he's depressed, so am in limbo, but some of my friends are getting a tad impatient with it and think I should have cut all ties and have a new boyfriend by now!

What he did was really sh*tty and nobody deserves that.

It's your life and your pain. Take your time.

You mention Radio 4 - are you in the UK?

Huge hugs,

Axxx
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Old 20th May 2010, 09:01 PM   #7
mangonpineapple
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Re: I am doing so well but it still hurts, it really does.

Hi Luce,

It hurts like hell and you have been very brave, very brave. I think we have al experienced the "get over it" phrase from friends and family (in the end, I stopped talking about it and just learnt to deal with it alone - not a nice experience; lots of tears). What you have been through is truly one of the most painful things you will ever go through. It is bewildering, shocking, incomprehensible. Your soul has been shattered by your husband, your best friend, your lover. It really hurts... It will take you time to put the pieces back together again. You will get there but the journey is painful and sometimes it feels like Sisyphus and his giant rock. One day tough, you will get the rock to the top and you will triumph in mendingyour soul and your heart. For now though, it hurts and hurts and you are right in expressing it here. We are walking this journey with you and we understand your pain. I have not posted here for a while but I de-lurked to give you a giant hug and to hold your hand in cyberspace. I hope the positive vibes I am sending you will give you stength and courage. Please know that we love you and understand your pain. Please believe that one day, the pain will be gone and your heart will be full of sunshine again.

Hugs xx Mango
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Old 20th May 2010, 10:17 PM   #8
luce
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Re: I am doing so well but it still hurts, it really does.

Oh my gawd! Crying again! But it is good crying it really is. I am reading your words Wiggle and Mango and i am so bloody loving you gals.

Mango, thanks so much for de-lurking to give me hug and cyber hold - that means a lot more than i can tell you.

Wiggle - yes, i am in the UK - around 15miles outside of Bristol - i have discovered that 15 miles isnt so far and now have active Bristol social life. Where abouts are you?
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Old 21st May 2010, 05:12 AM   #9
mdmquincy
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Re: I am doing so well but it still hurts, it really does.

Luce, you are just under a month ahead of me, and comparitively, you are doing so fabulous. I wish I had some of your fortitude. I do. People don't get it, and as angry as that makes me feel, I am glad. Most, I wouldn't wish this type of pain on. We get it though. I wish we didn't, but we do.

I am reading a really good book right now (Surprise! LOL). I think you might like it. It's called Sudden Endings: Wife Rejection in Happy Marriages by Madeline Bennett. Good book that explains why they don't just walk away, why they haunt and taunt us along the way.

Love you, not because because, but because we share in this journey.
J
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Old 21st May 2010, 06:17 AM   #10
j92cool
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Re: I am doing so well but it still hurts, it really does.

Dear Luce

You are doing so well. Of course you are still crying we all were at your stage. I still after over a year still have little moments just not near as many as before. (Very few now really).

Keep up the good work and look after no #1 yourself. When you look after yourself everything else will fall into place. You need to be as selfish as you need to be.

Big big Hugz

Janine

PS Be kind to yourself and surround yourself with positive people.
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Old 25th May 2010, 04:28 AM   #11
j92cool
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Re: I am doing so well but it still hurts, it really does.

Hi Luce

Are you ok?. How are you doing?
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Old 25th May 2010, 08:34 AM   #12
Wiggle
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Re: I am doing so well but it still hurts, it really does.

Hi Luce,

I'm in Surrey, near Guildford.

How are you?

Axx
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Old 25th May 2010, 09:48 PM   #13
luce
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Re: I am doing so well but it still hurts, it really does.

Ah, thanks for asking ladies. I really do appreciate it and apologies for my rudeness in not replying to last supportive posts.

I am okay, I really am. Those of you that are on my facebook page will see that i am getting out and about and getting on with it. But it does still hurt and i am still crying at some point most days. This week the thing that has been getting to me is that i have someone in my life everyday for 16yrs and then suddenly they walk out completely out of blue to me - then they are no longer there. It has hit me just how traumatic that is - to have someone there as your best friend every day and then they are gone. Christ thats shocking! It really is very traumatic.

The thing Georgie said about the acknowledgment too - i really want him to understand the enormity of what he has done here and the awful, dreadful thing that kind of betrayal is to another person. But i know that he is never going to get it. If i were to try and explain it to him he would just think i am some kind of nutter. How does that happen? I am fairly certain that my response is normal and his is the f***ed up response but sometimes i feel like i must be the mad person that isnt taking responsibility for herself. Thats what he told me - he told me to take responsibility and get a grip. F*** - why would i even take that on board but i do.

Sorry i just went into one there. I am doing better i reallyam - i just seem a little stuck on a few issues.
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Old 25th May 2010, 10:01 PM   #14
mdmquincy
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Re: I am doing so well but it still hurts, it really does.

Allow me to validat you, Luce.... Your response is f-ing normal. His is not. You are aware of your loss, and you have a conscience. He hasn't really registered a loss and is ignoring his conscience.

Love and antidepressants (for me, of course)
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Old 25th May 2010, 10:18 PM   #15
luce
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Re: I am doing so well but it still hurts, it really does.

Dear J - your validation means more than i can tell you. It is insane how they get you feeling insane! Much appreciated hunny, thanks. xxx
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