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Old 18th March 2010, 04:39 PM   #151
luce
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Re: My husband left out of the blue

Oh i really hope he gets his come-uppance Helen. I dont know if it makes me a bad person but i really, really want him to hurt and to have a totally miserable life. I like the thought of you all dressed up on a date and bumping into X. I have fantasized about that one, lol.

My ex has moved to a town some 50-60 miles away but is still working in local city. I just found out that he is going to be moving job to the town where he is living. To be expected i suppose and really i should be glad as it means i dont have to worry about bumping into him/ or hearing news of him anymore but i was gutted.

It was like 'oh, so i am never going to see you again then' and it was a further sinking in of just how important his new life and new relationship are too him. Then i hate myself for not being quite as over him as i thought. Part of me cant bear the thought of never seeing him again and it just makes me want to wail. I also feel robbed. I feel robbed of that opportunity to run into him when i am with some handsome and younger man, lol.

I really want to get to that point of having peace of mind and not worrying about what he is up to. Right now i am still quite obsessed with his movements which is madness because i know this isnt fixable. I only have to take responsibility for me and my son being alright.

Thanks for the words of encouragement Helen. What you have gone through is so awful that i can only think that if you can get through it so can i.
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Old 22nd March 2010, 11:42 AM   #152
luce
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Re: My husband left out of the blue

Quick update; last week i had one of my worse weeks to date. I was back to crying all the time. My X did eventually ring several days later than he said he would. By which time my anger levels had esculated. He said he was couldnt ring on Monday cos he was too angry with me for badmouthing him to people. He said 'i would never badmouth you'. Can you believe it!!! No, he wouldnt badmouth me but he would lie, cheat, decieve, betray and break me into 1000 tiny pieces that i am left to try and pull back in a tiny piece at the time. Blooming hell i couldnt believe what was coming out of his mouth - he would never badmouth me indeed!

So i went off the deep end and lost it with him all over again. I told him that as far as badmouthing him was going i was only just warming up. I got so angry that even went as far as posting on a public internet forum that he uses telling everyone what he did. And if you could see his original posting you would understand why i lost it. He was saying that it was going to be a great summer for him (ouch!) and lying saying that he had bought some equipment from X online shop but actually it was stuff that i had bought for him for Xmas (completely oblivious to his affair). But it is not good for me to follow him around internet forums so i need to not do that again. Entering realm of crazy bunny boiler bitch there.

I hadnt badmouthed him anyway i had simply let everyone know what he had done. I didnt want hiim to give people the idea that he had left his wife in a decent manner and then sometime later found a new relationship. I wanted people to know that he wasnt the good moral upright man he always presented himself to be. He works in a kind of social work type job to he is able to present himself as decent, honest, kind, caring new man type but he is not those things really.

But the upshot of that 10 days or so when i spoke with him twice was that i was in pieces with not only my emotions running riot but my behaviours going out the window. I can see now that i simply cannot speak to him for a long time. Speaking to him sends me crazy. Partly it is because he is crazy. His perceptions of everything are so warped and he is so far rationalised and justified that it does my nut in and i spirall out of control. So no more speaking to him for me, no more visiting internet forums he uses and i have Hilda Ogden sitting in my brain to sweep out thoughts of him when they occur.

Saturday was a break through for me - i got through my first day in 2 and 1/2 months without tears. It is still right there in my head nearly all the time but i am beginning to experience short spells of time when i realise i have been thinking about something else entirely. It is getting better i think.

Last edited by luce; 22nd March 2010 at 12:34 PM.
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Old 31st March 2010, 09:21 PM   #153
luce
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Re: My husband left out of the blue

Having a difficult time again. It seems we are all struggling at the moment doesnt it! Perhaps the holiday period looming accentuates it too.

I am doubled over in tears again asking myself how anyone could have done such a terrible thing to me? I dont understand how ANYONE could treat me this way. People just dont treat me badly, they really dont. So I really, really dont understand how my husband could treat me this way. He was my husband damn it! He was my family! I thought he was my best friend. How can someone that was my family do this to me???? I just dont get it. I could never treat another living soul this way let alone someone that is meant to be my best friend.

I think this is accentuated for me right now because i am acutely aware that him and the OW are going to India with a group of friends on Saturday. We were supposed to go with them some months ago and then when it came to time to book tickets my H got all moody about it and said that he would really resent it if we spent our holiday money going away with a group of other people. He said that our alone time on holiday time was really important to him and that he needed for us to keep this. I was upset about India cos i really wanted to go but was also really touched that he was saying our family time was so important to him that he wanted to keep it exclusive. Of course, what i didnt know at the time was that a) it would be rather difficult for him to be on a hillside with both his wife and his mistress and b) that he was planning to leave before then anyway. What a ****ing bastard!!!

I really want to call him and ask him to meet for lunch. I want to ask him face-to-face how he could have behaved in this terrible way. I know i mustnt see him because i might not survive it and because i am going to get no different result face-to-face that i have done on telephone anyway. I just keep thinking that if he has too look me, the person he lived with for 16yrs, in the face then maybe the facade will crack but i know that it is just fantasy - that he never, ever going to acknowledge the awfulness of what he has done. My friends keep telling me that he is in a totally different place to me right now anyway and i know that they are right. He is not going to get it, i will look like a bunny boiler. I hate this - i even feel like a bloody bunny boiler still obsessing about this 3 months on. The thing is though that i am not obsessing about him per se, i am obsessing about how he could have done what he did. I just dont get it. I dont get how any of them can do this to any of us.

Oh my gawd I hate him so much but underneath all this i know that the hating only hides how bloody much i was hurt. This hurts so damn much.
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Old 31st March 2010, 09:50 PM   #154
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Re: My husband left out of the blue

hahaha, i just realised that i sound like a blooming stuck record! Sort it out gal.
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Old 31st March 2010, 10:04 PM   #155
UpandDown
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Re: My husband left out of the blue

Bless you. Three months is nothing... You're doing amazing. I totally hear what you're saying about the bunny boiler thing. It's just so shocking and incomprehensible what they've done isn't it? Yet there is absolutely nothing we can do about it.

Also the friend/just being a decent human being thing...my H keeps telling me how good we are as "friends" but since he's started this he's been more horrible and uncaring to me than ever. With friends like these who needs enemies.

Grr, I can't believe they are going to India!!! You must be so p'd off about that. My H is taking my one year old to his parents 5 hours away. I'm feeling really low about it as I have already started missing him (the kid I mean!) I think you have definitely hit the nail on the head with the holiday thing. Sundays are bad enough, but this is like 4 Sundays in a row.

So sorry he's done this to you. Haven't read your story fully yet but will do asap now I have my new computer.

La, la la. Where do you live? Is it a secret? I don't know how to find out.... I mean what country not your full address -don't worry, i'm not some crazy mad stalker, just a little high on chocolate right now!

Stay strong, you're amazing.
Love Kathryn
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Old 31st March 2010, 10:50 PM   #156
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Re: My husband left out of the blue

Luce - you and me both girl. I think we must be experiencing the 3 month "bitch". I said that because itch just doesn't suffice.

What you say about not obsessing about him, but about what he's done is exactly what i'm feeling too. I too want to meet my H and ask him outright why he did this, and HOW he could do it. After meeting him a few weeks ago though, I absolutely know that it wouldn't make the blindest bit of difference to him. As your friends have said, he is in a different place to you. I think the "deserters" as I like to call them, always are. They mentally left a long time before we even knew about it, so they've already justified it in their heads and made every excuse they'll ever need to. They must rationalise it so much that it gets to a point where they feel they are doing the right thing, and then they wonder why we argue with it?

What he's done about India is outright cruel and unforgivable. I feel your pain and want to punch his ****ing lights out on your behalf.

India, or somewhere else you'd like to go, can be YOUR next adventure. You don't need him to have an adventure - he'd have just been a misery guts if you'd have gone anyway. At least it's saved you the agony of going away with him

I can't bloomin wait for the next month, then the next month, then the next month to pass so that we can start feeling better. The feelings of wanting to chase him around the internet are normal. Every few days or so I google my H just incase something comes up - god knows what i'm looking for, but it feeds my desire to check up on him. I hang off every word his mother in law emails me, looking for clues as to what he's up to etc.

What keeps coming back to me Luce is that he doesn't give a **** about me anymore. He's not searching for me on google or facebook. He doesn't even ask how I am these days, so he can't care about me the way i cared about him. He doesn't deserve my time or my thoughts. I was sad all over again when I realised i'd come home from holiday and he's been to collect more of his things. I cried when I opened his wardrobe and saw it completely empty. Tonight i'm in a different frame of mine (mainly due to YOU!) and i'm now thinking that i'm pissed off because there are still a few items of clothing of his still in the drawers. Before I was seeing his things in the wardrobe and using them as a subsitute for him - seeing them made me think part of him was still here. When I saw the wardrobe empty I felt like i'd lost part of him again. Tonight though, i'm wishing he'd taken ALL of his stuff, so that I can now put MY stuff in the wardrobe and stop thinking of it as his space.

So, i've taken a stand tonight and sent him an email. I've told him to sort his finances, and i've said we need to talk about splitting our belongings, and what we do next about the house. I've also asked what he wants me to do with his post, as he has never given me a forwarding address since he left. The ball is now completely in my court. I've taken control again, and it feels good. I'm sick of feeling like crap each day, wondering when he'll contact me about little things, but no more.

No more for you either Luce. However much you are hurting, he's not hurting back. He's not crying any tears for you. So get angry again, not upset. But don't let it consume you. You are an amazing woman, you truly are. You have no idea just how inspirational you are. He is an absolute fool, but you need to flip it and think of yourself as better off without him. We both do.

ALWAYS here for you xxxxxx
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Old 31st March 2010, 10:57 PM   #157
UpandDown
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Re: My husband left out of the blue

Seven - do you have a garage or similar? I'd be tempted to bag up the reminder of his clothes and get them out of the house so you can move on a bit. It's not fair you have to wait for him to do it when it suits him.
x
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Old 1st April 2010, 12:24 AM   #158
seven
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Re: My husband left out of the blue

No garage But a very big loft - at least i can keep them out of sight eh?

How you doin Luce? Ok I hope xxx
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Old 1st April 2010, 12:50 AM   #159
luce
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Re: My husband left out of the blue

Kathryn, thank-you, thank-you, thank-you! Your words were just what i needed to hear 'Three months is nothing... You're doing amazing' and i love that you acknowledged the horribleness of them going to India. I was thinking that maybe i was being really obsessive again. I mean what should it matter to me where they go? But it does matter to me. It matters a lot. On reflection if it wasnt so tragic it would be laughable. We were invited on this trip and i was all excited not realising that my husband was having an affair with one of the women going on it. He was put right on the spot and had to agree to go. Then had to find a way to wiggle out. What he used to wiggle out was 'us'. He knew damn well that 'us' was really, really important to me and that it would melt me so much that i would accept his reason for not going. What a see you next tuesday he is!

Seven, thank-god for you and for your honesty. I google my husband every day. I google the OW every day. I have been so ashamed of this and havent told anyone that i do this. I know it is something i need to STOP doing for my own sanity but it is so hard. The internet is freaky like that. It is like someone is living in your street. The only person i hurt by doing this is myself too but i just cant seem to stop. I keep promising myself that i will stop and then i am doing it again.

It is good that you are taking control hon. I am so proud of you. It felt good when i took control and packed my H's stuff up and took it to his dads house. I gave control back to him for a while when i found myself sitting waiting for his phone calls but i took it back again thankfully. It is hard because it is like as the dumpee all the power seems to be in his hands and as the dumped i feel like i have no power. But it is not true. I have always been quite a powerful woman - i just need to reclaim it.

Thank goodness you see think the India thing is cruel too. I thought it was just me being a pyscho bitch until i got the confirmation from Katherine and yourself that this is ghastly. Why am i calling myself names like bunny boiler and pyscho bitch here too? Why did he do this ****ty stuff and then i end up feeling like it is me that is a mad cow? I am not. I truly am not.

I cant believe your husband snuck in and took his stuff while you were away. That is horrible. No wonder you have been struggling since you came home! What a welcome home that must have been! You did say this in another post and i didnt register the enormity of what had happened. That would have had me in bits. I am so sorry that this happened to you honey

t is shocking that he hasnt given you a forwarding address. My H hasnt given me a forwarding address either - it is unbelievable. I cant imagine leaving someone after all those years and not saying 'oh by the way this is my address if you need to contact me'.

We will be okay. We will all be ok. We are all amazing and fabulous.
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Old 1st April 2010, 01:12 AM   #160
luce
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Re: My husband left out of the blue

Oh yes, sorry Kathryn - i live in the UK, in South West.

What about you?
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Old 1st April 2010, 10:07 AM   #161
UpandDown
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Re: My husband left out of the blue

Ah-ha! I live in Surrey. I get confused because everyone writes at different times, but then none of us are sleeping well are we??!!

I haven't googled my H yet, but I have gone into his facebook twice really quickly which I'm very ashamed of! I worry someone will see he's there but know he can't be. I wanted to see if he had any dodgy messages but none so far. I'm really bad at spying though as i'm so jumpy! I want to look at his phone but he always has it in his pocket........trying not to think about it other than that. I don't know how I would cope if there was someone else.

Seven and Luce you are both doing so great. I totally agree it's great to be angry rather than sad but not to let it consume you and become bitter. What's that saying, don't get mad, get even? The best way to get back at him is to go on and have a wonderful life. We are all so much better off than our OH's as we have faced up to the truth head on wheras they have run away and will carry all their problems with them. We have a chance at a better tomorrow, they really don't. They might seem better off than us at the moment, but believe me, it's only temporary.

Wishing you both lots of love and luck.
Love Kathryn
x

ps think of me today, potty training a toddler who doesn't want to sit on potty! Been at it three hours and already on 7th pair of pants! Give me strength!
x
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Old 3rd January 2011, 01:21 AM   #162
luce
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Re: My husband left out of the blue

Wow! Been struggling a bit lately and thought i would come back and take a look at this thread.

Only read the very beginning but it was
a) revealing - the struggles i have experienced lately are echoes of what i felt last Jan.
a) encouraging - i have come so far this year

The echoes - Scared - i am scared again. Not like before but still scared and feeling overwhelmed. Am almost 46yrs old, i want to move town, my business is in trouble - it all feels scary.

BUT it is only echoes - they need acknowledging. But so do the positives. When this happened a year ago i didnt think i would ever be happy again but i have had so many happy times this year. I was isolated then and thought i was too old to make new friends. Not true - i have made many new wonderful friends this year and some from this forum. Met some of the ladies who were posting right at start of this thread for weekend in london in Sept - how fab is that! I thought i would never be attracted to another man as long as i lived - not true....DEFINITELY NOT TRUE haha. I have done more in this past year than i have for years. I have been to Thailand, festivals, camping, Tunisia, gigs, comedy nights, lectures and more. Am off to Rome with a girlfriend in couple of weeks. I have lost 4 stone - i have SO MUCH MORE CONFIDENCE. I am 45 years old and definitely NOT invisible. I turn heads again - something i hadnt done for years. My relationship with my son is better now it is just the two of us in the house.

Best of all i rarely think about my ex these days - the relentless anger, the body-doubling hurt and the non-stop thinking all stopped somewhere along the way. I never thought it would cease - but it is all quiet now. And the echoes are only echoes. I have come further than i would have ever imagined.

Just been back through some of my old threads and came across one in April where i was breaking down at 4am in the morning after calling my ex drunk. And none of us were sleeping and i was getting responses from people i met on this forum in middle of night. Each of those ladies is still my friend now. How awesome this forum is!

Last edited by luce; 3rd January 2011 at 03:11 AM.
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Old 3rd January 2011, 01:10 PM   #163
Raymond
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Re: My husband left out of the blue

Yes there was a strong empathy among you women (and some men) because you were all in the same boat either past or present. I knew I couldn't be part of that as a happily married, but recognised the strength you all got from it.

We are not seeing so much of that these days for some reason but it is a valid part of these forums.

Glad you could overcome being left alone from your marriage. Many cannot see any hope when it happens but most gradually heal from it over time.

Looks like you are back to health and there to be caught by the right person if you wanted it.
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Old 3rd January 2011, 08:56 PM   #164
luce
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Re: My husband left out of the blue

Happy New Year to you Raymond.
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Old 4th January 2011, 08:44 AM   #165
georgie
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Re: My husband left out of the blue

You have come so far you may meet yourself coming the other way and tip your hat Luce! xxx
You are a superstar! There will always be set backs but you feel things a bit more now because you are no longer numb from the ongoing chronic pain of living in a relationship that just wasnt right for you. Now yes there is pain, but its now and again and it will get less I promise you.
mwah mwah mwah to infinity to you xxx
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