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Old 11th March 2009, 06:04 PM   #1
RayCub
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I can't believe this is happening!

I don't even know where to start!! My husband and I have been together for almost 15 years, married almost 12. We have two children - 10 and 5. My husband turned 40 two years ago, and then lost his younger brother (37) to a sudden disease two months later. We've been living in my hometown for almost six years, with his hometown being and hour-and-a-half away. Where we live now has very few people our age to socialize with and is very small and rural. I'm just trying to give some background information here to set everything up, I guess. I know my husband has been less than happy for a while now, but when I questioned him about it, he always said he loved me, our kids and our life together. He acknowleged our lack of a social life outside of each other, but said we would make it through. We both have very good jobs here, and the kids have their grandparents and family, and you can't just disreagard that stuff. Anyway, last summer we had a huge fight and he accused me of not trusting him. I did at that point. Things got really ugly - he said some very nasty things - but we seemed to get past things and move on. I KNEW we still had issues, but chose to focus on the good things about us. Then last October, he got in touch with an old lover on Facebook. I had his password to his linking hotmail accoount so I spied and found out she was declaring her love for him after four days of communication. I couldn't see what he was writing back. (She lives on the other side of the country with her hubby and three kids). I confronted him and said his lying was worse than my spying. We really talked it out, he and I wrote her a PFO letter and he blocked her. things seemed to get back on track again, but, by then, I was consumed with checking his hotmail to see if she - or any other woman from his past - would crop up. Nothing ever happened again, except she got in touch with him through a third part to tell him she was sorry...on Valentine's day. Of course, I saw the message but couldn't tell him the truth. I managed to bring up her name in a round about way and gave him EVERY opportunity to tell me about her contacting him, but he didn't. And he continued to somewhat justify her actions in the first place. I know he will always have feelings for her - he told me that - and that freaks me out. Anyway, I was feeling very out of sorts by the communication but thought Iwas covering my behaviour. Then he got drunk while on the phone with his sister one night (a four hour phone call), and I got pissed off at him for staying on the phone for so long when he had been working so much (all over valentine's) and I wanted him to pay attention to me and for us to spend some time together. Plus I was jealous that he seems so able to talk to his sister for so many hours but not to me. When I said something, he completely lost it. He told me I NEVER trusted him, that our marriage was a cancer, that the person he used to be was as dead as his brother, that he didn't know who he was anymore, he didn't know what he wanted, and that he was going to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted and he didn't give a *&^% what I thought. He really tore me a new one. I tried talking to him over the next couple of days but he was very angry and cold and hurtful and bitter, and blamed me for everything that has caused him to be unhappy in his life. He's calmed down since then and is now very sad and quiet. He says he's angry at himself for letting this happen, that he's 50/50 on wanting to stay or leave, that he doesn't know what he wants, how this happened, where he's going with his life, etc. We've been very civil with each other the last couple of days and have talked a lot. I'm in counselling (only one session so far), and he has his first appointment on Friday, but he's not sure if it will affect the outcome of anything. I've told him he has to leave, but went back on it and told him he could stay as long as he's in counselling and honestly trying. The problem I'm having is that I think he's lying to me and himself when he says he doesn't know what he wants. I think he's made up his mind to leave but is too scared to admit it. Unfortunately, we've been "intimate" with each other in the last few days, and he apologized afterwards and said he didn't want to lead me on, which leads me to believe he's made up his mind already. He says he loves me, but I don't really believe him anymore. I told him I was trying to prepare for the worse, and he didn't contradict me. I'd like to tak to my counsellor about this, adn to give him time to talk to his counsellor, but I don't think I can wait, or that it will do much good anyway. I asked him to come home earleir tonight from work so that I could talk to him without the kids. I'm going to tell him to leave. I can't take this anymore. It's killing me, and I'm a complete basketcase no matter what I do. he was the centre of my universe for 15 years, and now I feel like my world is falling apart. Everyone tells me to be strong, and so many people are offering SO MUCH advice, but no one seems to get that I'm dying inside.
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Old 11th March 2009, 06:22 PM   #2
JWD
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Re: I can't believe this is happening!

I know you're dying inside. I do. And nothing can take away the pain. I too got the don't want to lead you on stuff.

Have you been to the Doctors, call samaratins.

All you can do is give him space until he tells you what is going on.

I do know you are dying inside.


Please keep posting. xxx I'm not going to tell you to stay strong because I know how irritating it is at the beginning. Let your friends and family support you and vent vent vent on here when you can.

You're not alone.

We'll all help each other through this.
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Last edited by JWD; 11th March 2009 at 06:29 PM.
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Old 11th March 2009, 06:36 PM   #3
RayCub
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Re: I can't believe this is happening!

Thanks for responding so quickly. And for not telling me to be strong. It's good to know other people know exactly how I feel. I just talked to him at work, and he's going to try to come home early to talk. I just wish I knew if I was doing the right thing by telling him to leave before consulting my counsellor.
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Old 11th March 2009, 06:46 PM   #4
JWD
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Re: I can't believe this is happening!

Well they say it's best to stay together but I had to put my H out. I was and still am destroying myself. Everywhere you look they say don't plead, beg, cry, pressure and give it time. But we just want it fixed don't we. I just needed him away because he was still texcting her and I watched him become a cold arrogant monster. Don't expect too much from the counsellor, it's going to be a long long road.

When he comes home, listen, listen to what he is saying. DO NOT INTERUPT with buts or belittle what he is telling you. He needs to get off his chest what is going on and if you keep pressuring him, he'll run off or clam up.

All I got was don't know. It is an extremely frustrating situation to be in. Get yourself some calms, deep breath and just be ready to hear anything and everything or nothing at all.

Don't panic. Just listen and deal with what comes up when the time is right. Hopefully he will go to counselling with you. Just let him know that it's not a pressure tactic to fix your marriage, but just to help you both understand what is happening to you both.

Wish I could take away the stabbing pain in your heart and the lump in your throat.

SENDING MASSIVE MASSIVE CUDDLES AND POSITIVE THOUGHTS

KEEP POSTING

just rant away, you don't have to excuse yourself to any of us here.
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Old 11th March 2009, 07:00 PM   #5
JWD
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Re: I can't believe this is happening!

I'm just off to counselling, I'll check back in on you when I get back.

If you need to chat, I'll probably be up all night.

Hope you get a clearer picture of what is going on tonight.
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Old 11th March 2009, 11:33 PM   #6
Sheila
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Re: I can't believe this is happening!

Raycub your post made me feel so sad. I haven't been posting on here for a while, although I have been reading.
I took my husband back a couple of weeks ago and now find myself back in square 1....hes gone again.
I'm at the stage now where I dont think facebook, mobiles or email addresses are any good for relationships well, not for mine anyway. They are all to capable of concealing too many secrets.
I too used to log into his accounts as he wasn't clever enough to conceal passwords etc.
I wanted him back so desperatley when he left (first time around), I dont believe he wanted to come back, his mind was made up. I truly believe he just wanted family and friends to see him doing the right thing, I dont believe he had any intention of staying.
People will tell you to be strong and yes, of course you need to be, we all do, but that is so much easier said than done, Im sure like me, you are feeling very weak and vulnerable at the moment.
I totally understand the pain you are going through, as I am going through it yet again. I feel like my stomach is burning and as it rises up, I feel sick.
The one thing that we all need to cling on to here is the fact that its us that have been wronged, and we deserve better.
I know my marriage is over, I cant keep taking him back when he has a good day and watching him go when he has a bad one, but I really hope that maybe something positive will happen for you.
I am so sorry this post is a negative one, but I am thinking of you
x
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Old 12th March 2009, 12:19 AM   #7
georgie
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Re: I can't believe this is happening!

Rayclub, you are not alone. Being strong is a slow process, you get a tiny little bit stonger every day. I made the mistake of pressuring and I think it made things so much worse. I am now trying to back off, although in my case I think it's too late as my H would now find it hard to come back in to our social network (he's very concerned about what people think of him), and basically I think he's concluded that I'm not worth the effort. Mid Life Crisis seems to fit the bill for all these guys (read about it on line if you have not already, it certainly is not what I thought it was), but that does not mean there is a solution. JWD gave some great advice - it's time for listening. You also need to try and get on with your life as best you can, show your best self to the world, remind him what he's missing, you may realise that your not missing much with his absence!
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Old 12th March 2009, 12:46 AM   #8
JWD
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Re: I can't believe this is happening!

Such good advice from you all.

We're not at fault. We may have faults but we didn't go seeking a solution in someone else.

Sheila, I too think it's all to do with the looking bad and looking like they are trying. And we thought we were the weak ones!
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Old 12th March 2009, 01:39 AM   #9
Ageing Grace
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Re: I can't believe this is happening!

Quote:
Originally Posted by RayCub View Post
we've been "intimate" with each other in the last few days, and he apologized afterwards and said he didn't want to lead me on
That made me cry. How utterly despairing you must have felt.
It's a crap thing for a teenager to say, let alone a grown man to his wife. The arrogance!! Sorry: this is your thread, not my rant ...

One thing you have on your side, Ray, is your fellow-sufferers here in this forum. It's not a whole lot of comfort, but - if you ever feel like you're going mad - you know you have the support of others, who are going through the same thing.

It's very Ok to cry. A lot. Good luck, and take care
AG
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Old 12th March 2009, 12:43 PM   #10
JWD
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Re: I can't believe this is happening!

How are you today Raycub?
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Old 15th March 2009, 08:59 PM   #11
RayCub
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Re: I can't believe this is happening!

Hi everyone. I haven't been near the internet for a few days. I left early from work on Wednesday and ended up taking Thursday and Friday off.

I met him at home on Wednesday afternoon and asked him if he wanted to work on our marriage. When he gave me the "I don't know" answer AGAIN, I told him he had to leave, and I had the want ads in my bag waiting for him. The decision was the hardest I've ever made, and I panic every minute of every day that I totally screwed up.

While he was making plans to leave, he would check with me and report on every step of his progress - just like he would for any situation before all this mess happened. When I told him a few things that had to be done, he responded (more than once) that he just wanted to do what I wanted him to. It made me so angry to hear that! I told him that the only thing I wanted him to do was fight for our marriage and he wasn't willing to do that so he shouldn't dare tell me that! He admitted that he shouldn't. I also told him that I never wanted him to leave and he said, "I didn't want to leave so soon. I wanted to get counselling first." So I said, "Yes, you wanted to get counselling for YOURSELF and THEN leave. I don't see the point in dragging out the inevitable. I may have asked you to leave, but make no mistake - this was YOUR decision. Three of us in this family didn't want this. We had it forced upon us!"

We told the kids on Thursday afternoon. Our oldest got really quiet and angry and stomped off to her room. The youngest cried and said she wanted Daddy to live with us forever. When we were telling them, he said we had been talking a lot and decided Daddy should live somewhere else for "awhile". When the kids talked about him coming back, I was the one who had to tell then he wasn't coming back. The baby cried, and so did my husband - first time I've ever seen him cry, and my immediate reaction was "I hate you!". I can't believe that a person can be so selfish as to put his family through something like this...to put his own needs ahead of his children's. It baffles me, and makes me realize just how screwed up he really is, because he loves those kids like there's no tomorrow. To do this to them...God, I don't know what to think anymore.

They haven't seen him for two days. He ran away to his parent's house, and let his family enable him. They are very passive about everything that happens in life, and they just told him to do what he thinks he has to for himself. I just want one member of his family to yell at him, "What the hell is wrong with you??!?!?!" But that would NEVER happen.....This is the forth separation/divorce among his siblings (six living, oldest bro has experienced two)...I think that says a lot about the fact that he tried to ignore all the problems in our marriage until they bubbled up and exploded, instead of trusting me to talk out the problems together. It's what his family does: ignores things in hopes they will go away, with this whole Eeyore "Oh, well" attitude. I guess he's not quite as accomplished as the rest of them.

I'm sad and angry and hurt and still confused. I feel used and violated and now doubt every happy moment that happened in our 15 years together. My counsellor asked if I had happy memories and I do...lots of them. She said my perceptions of those events are valid and to rmember them, to look at pictures, to reminisce...it will help in the grieving process. She also said that he sounds like a lost soul who will crash HARD at some point in the near future.

I wrote him a letter today to leave for him when he was leaving. I told him he's the love of my life and probably always will be. I told him that had I had any other choice to protect my heart, I would have chosen that option; that I never wanted any of this to happen; that all I wanted was for him to love me fully, completely, without reserve - that way I love him. I wrote that I fully accept my part in all this and that I wished he had come to me so long ago to work on things; that I realize that his problems started before I even came on the scene when he lost his dream and never found another one, and that I would have helped him find one if I had only known. I offered to help him still if he would let me in, and that I would be here for him, as I always have. I told him I would be willing to give us a second chance if he was willing to get marriage counselling and committ to me 100%. I begged him to get counselling SOON, that I didn't want him to stay lost forever, and to find his way back to us. I also told him that's how I feel today, but I'm not sure how I'll feel next week, or next month, so he's better get help soon, if there's even one fragment of him that wants this to work. I also told him though, that if he's 100% sure this is over, then this is truly goodbye and I wished him nothing but joy and happiness. I said I would eventually fall out of love with him and my heart would heal...I asked him to please weigh his decisions carefully and to believe in us. I reminded him that in his Valentine's Day email to me he said that we make a wicked sweet team and thanked me for always sticking by him when the chips seem so far down. I said the chips were as far down as they could be and I was still going to stick by him, but to know that I can't wait forever.........

I don't know what else to say........

Thank you, guys, for all your comments and support and everything...it means SO much to me!!
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Old 15th March 2009, 09:19 PM   #12
JWD
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Re: I can't believe this is happening!

I don't know, If I ever hear that again, I will run a mile. I think you need to (here we go) STAY STRONG, he sounds like he is so confused but you keep doing what you are doing, he will soon see the inner strength of you.

Listen, we're going to get through this, we will. It's horrific, it's awful, it's heart wrenching horrific but we WILL drag ourselves up.

I can only imagine how much harder it is for you with kids. You're already amazing with how you have handles this.

You've done everything you can. be proud of yourself.

I so relate to wanting his mum to shake him. Mine are just babying him. Makes me sick.

We're going to do this.

RIGHT.

xxxxx
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Old 15th March 2009, 11:31 PM   #13
Sheila
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Re: I can't believe this is happening!

Im not in a good position to offer advice at the moment, but believe me, those kids already know what an amazing Mum they have.
You look after yourself and stay strong and healthy for yours and their sakes.
They will never leave you, they will always be there for you, you take care
xx
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Old 16th March 2009, 03:43 PM   #14
RayCub
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Re: I can't believe this is happening!

So, I had left the letter on some shetts, towells and blankets I left on our bed for him to take to his new place. He took all the supplies and left the letter on the bed. He also wrote one of his own saying,

"Hi. I know you said a million times the last week not to say thanks again but really...Thanks! So much.

Thanks for all the great memories and the two beautiful children. The best! Right now, H & C have been the hardest part of my agreeing on this space to think and heal.

Yes, I will still be seeking council - that's for me and no one elase right now...To grow and get myself back...that's my dream right now...at any cost, because I can't go on living a charade and pretending to be 100% into the marriage and living a lie.

We've had a lot of ups and downs just like any other couple and maybe someday, with a little help, I'll be able to just dwell on the goo stuff and allow my emotions to move past all that...crap...

But you and I both know I've not been able to do that for a long time and that's not healthy, nor is it fair to anyone - That's why, as parents, we need to really work hard at being civil so that at best the girls know they're still loved as much as ever.

Thanks for taking the time to read this - means a lot."


And that was it. I poured my heart out to him, and all I got back was "Thanks for the memories". What a cop-out. When he wrote that he had to do this no matter the cost, all I could think was the "cost" is losing his family - his adoring wife and his two trusting, innocent daughters who did nothing but worship the ground he walked on. When I told him he gave me nothing inthe letter, he said it was all he had to give. I told him that any little bit of hope i had left was crushed now and he just doesn't care. He just looked at me. So I said, "Now I have to stop caring." I told him to have a good life and walked out the door.

We went to my parent's house afterwards where they just let me cry and get it all out. I hit rock bottom yesterday, so now I have to focus on my girls and myself and getting our life back to our "new" normal. I've talked to my kids so much - they completely know they can come to me at any time to talk about anything, and that they can talk to their grandparents, other family members and teachers, who all love them and are there for them. They know this isn't their fault and that it isn't their "job" to try to get their father to change his mind. I've told them to focus on all the good parts of their lives, to not let this overshadow everything. And I've told them that whatever they're feeling, it's not wrong to feel that way - sadness, anger, confusion, frustration, and even happiness...I told them to not feel guilty if they find themselves laughing and smiling during their day. I just need them to keep talking - to not hold everything in and ignore what they're feeling. We're already suffering the consequences of how well that works.

I'm starting to dig myself out of the hell I've been living in these past three short weeks. I know I'm going to have more bad days than good, but I'm keeping the faith that the sun will shine again for me at some point.

I'm going to keep posting on here so I can keep reading all your wonderful feedback. I really appreciate all the support!!!!
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Old 16th March 2009, 09:17 PM   #15
JWD
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Re: I can't believe this is happening!

Be very proud of yourself Raycub. Just keep posting when you want to rant or to keep you from thinking how unfair it all is.

x
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