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Old 2nd May 2010, 03:40 PM   #1
DesperateMark
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Desperate Help Needed, Pls!

I don't even know where to begin here. This is week 8 of my wife and I's separation. Today is our 13th wedding anniversary and I'm just feeling so crap and low. We'd noramlly be out celebrating as Family with our kids, as we were married on her Birthday so it should be a big momenetous day. But here I ma sitting at home alone reeling in despair at what I'm supposed to do just to survive this. Can anyone shed any light on how I get out of Feeling like this and how I can fix my marriage? MH
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Old 2nd May 2010, 05:29 PM   #2
luce
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Re: Desperate Help Needed, Pls!

Hi Mark,
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this but glad you found this site.

This stuff is so, so hard. Public holidays, birthdays, anniversaries etc all trigger really bad days for me. You have your anniversary, wife's birthday and bank holiday weekend all come at once. No wonder you feel in despair.

Two months is no time either - it is so raw at 2mths - 2mths in i was still crying everyday and doubting i would ever get through it. It is 4mths for me now and while i still have some bad days it is so much better. I am getting real sense of its going to be ok.

Have you got any plans in place for this evening or tomorrow? I am learning that i have to put plans in place for the times i know are going to be especially hard.

Maybe you want to talk about what happened Mark? It helped me to journal it on this site.

Warm wishes
Luce
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Old 4th May 2010, 10:33 AM   #3
luce
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Re: Desperate Help Needed, Pls!

How are you doing today Mark?
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Old 13th May 2010, 02:32 PM   #4
DesperateMark
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Re: Desperate Help Needed, Pls!

On a scale of 1 to 10, and 1 being the lowest, then -15.

My wife has taken thing to a whole new level, she had me detained by Police the other day, simply by saying that I was shouting at her and used abusive language, which is complete nonsense, my eldest son was sitting in the kitchen the whole time the we were talking and my voice never rasied despite my wife's pacing up and down the lenght of the kitchen. She dissapeared into our Bedroom, obviously mad e phonecall to a colleague, who then called the police annonymously and 15 mins later two uniformed officers were at the door. I was subsequently detained for 6 Hrs. for no reason other than her accusations, luckily for me I had my phone switched on voice recorder and recorded the whole conversation, so when I was finally spoken to about the incident, I played the recording back to the officers, who had no option but to release me without charge.
But during my detention my wife had packed up and grabbed the kids and now I don't know where they are. She hasn't been in touch with me or any friends, she's removed the kids from school and told the school they won't be back!!!
Where's the justice in this, Eh!
If I had done this I'd probably be in Jail right now.

It's been 3 days now and the Police are telling me not to worry she'll probably get in touch when she calms down.

Or Alternativley I'll get a knock on the door to tell me that in a fit of depression she has killed herself and my kids.

My soliciotr has called and written to my wifes solicitor but he's saying nothing, so noone seems to know or care.

What the hell am I supposed to do when I up against all this and your wife knows all the inside tricks and info and what and how to say things to get what she wants.

If there is a Hell then it must be where I am now, cause I've never felt so alone and desperate, with nowhere to turn to or any course of redress.
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Old 13th May 2010, 04:09 PM   #5
lostwife
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Re: Desperate Help Needed, Pls!

Mark I haven't been in your situation so can't offer any real advice but just wanted to let you know that this site is a wonderful place of support full of people who do care.

I came here confused and scared about my marriage and my situation and have found some good advice and support and I know you can too.

As hard as it may seem, try to stay strong through this. Trust in your wife coming to her senses and letting you know that your children and her are safe.

Has she family or friends anywhere out of your area she may have gone to? Her actions seem pretty desperate to me although not totally irrational as she must have had plans in place for this.

I so hope you get the call you are needing right now and in the mean time, we are all here xxx
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Old 13th May 2010, 06:34 PM   #6
RayCub
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Re: Desperate Help Needed, Pls!

Mark, who has official custody or your children, and at what point do the police consider what your wife is doing kidnapping???
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Old 13th May 2010, 08:13 PM   #7
DesperateMark
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Re: Desperate Help Needed, Pls!

Nobody has official custody at this point in time as we are still in the throws of agreeing all aspects of the Separation, or at least I thought we were until my wife pulled this stunt on me.
My wife is a NHS Health Care profffesional and works exclusively with teh Domestic Abuse/Violence Reduction teams.
The People who interviewed me were officers from her Areateam that interviewed me, so obviously there is some conflict of interest going on here as they know my wife personally through working with her.

She apparently left her mobile phone open with a call to a colleague, who then recorded our conversation, which consisted of us debating who would be taking my eldest son to the Docotrs appt.. that morning.
There was no shouting or arguing , as I taped the same conversation, but Police were trying to say that I was unhappy about being recorded, which is nonsense, as I can quite clearly be heard saying on my recording ," Fine lets record it, that way you can't renaige on anything you say later, in fact I'll just record it on my phone to if that's okay"
My solicitor now tells me that the Recording which my wife's colleague has made is compleltey illegal and inadmisable as evidence as I wasn't aware I was being recorded nor did i give my consent to being so.

I've called all the people she knows and the friends who could accomodate her , 3 children and 2 dogs, and nobody know's anyhting, in fact most were quite shocked when I told them what she had done, and could hardly beleive me.
I still haven't had any replies to my text's or calls. My kids phone all seem to be turned off.
The only Family to speak of is her Aunt and Cousin and they are as devasted as I am.

My solicitor is hoping to raise an action for an Interim interdict with an Exclusion order to stop her from dissapearing with the kids, and place them in my custody. But she stated that it's quite likley that my wife is probabaly trying to do the same.
I can't beleive it has come to this, only two months ago everything seemed fine and dandy and now I'm having to go to Court and raise actions to safeguard my Childrens welfare.
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Old 13th May 2010, 11:39 PM   #8
dalesman
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Re: Desperate Help Needed, Pls!

Mark
It seem to me that you have two separate issues here, firstly there is the emotional issue of how you deal with the break up and then there is the practical issue of how you cope with your wife's strategies.

Be carefull my friend, be very careful. Your wife will use all her extensive knowledge and contacts to her advantage.

I have known two men in the past who were arrested on trumped up charges of violence . In one case the man spent 6 weeks in prison until the day before he was due in court, when his wife dropped all charges. Despite admitting she had not told the truth she was never charged and got away Scott free , she even got a court order banning him from his kids.

In the other case the man lost his house his kids and his job. Departments such as the one your wife works for and also the police seem to work on the principal that men are guilty until proven innocent. My advice is to drop all attempts to contact your wife and wait until she contacts you.

As for what you are going through emotionally , There is no quick fix and I am sorry to say you will just have to go through the pain barrier as we all do. It just takes time.
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Old 14th May 2010, 07:12 AM   #9
DesperateMark
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Re: Desperate Help Needed, Pls!

Dear All,

Many thanks for all your words of support. I really have neer felt so alone in my life, my whole world just seems to be collapsing around me No matter what I do.
I spent another night just watching TV, I think I've had about 5 hours sleep in the past 4 days since my wife's latest exploits.
I spent the whole night wondering what must my children be thinking and what poisoinous rubbish is my wife filling my kids heads with.
They surely must be wondering why am I not trying to contact them or get them back home. I feel so helpless, which is destoying me, I've spent the last 16 years of my life looking after my wife and kids and providing for them and now I can't even do anything to sort this out.
My kids and I are heavily invlovled with a number of clubs and activities and this weekend culminates in the End of a Rugby Season for my boys and the start of a show jumping season for my daughter, what am I supposed to tell people should I turn up at the clubs as to where my kids are. If I don't turn up then I let the club and friends down by trying to avoid the situation, god does this dilema ever have an end, my head feels like it's going to explode as I can't even begin to think where I should begin.

Why is my wife doing this to me, what did I ever do to deserve this!
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Old 14th May 2010, 07:19 AM   #10
UpandDown
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Re: Desperate Help Needed, Pls!

I just can't believe what you are going through. She has behaved disgustingly to take the children like that. I can't believe anyone would behave so selfishly if they weren't in mortal danger. Do you think working in the domestic violence world has given her a warped view of reality? Or maybe she's spotted a way to imply that things were going along those lines and she thinks by taking the children she'll garner support from friends and family?

I can't imagine what you are going through right now. Talk to every organisation you can for support - father's groups, Giingerbread etc. This sort of thing obviously does happen but it's so unbelievably shocking. Whatever her motives they're definitely not the best interests of the children.

Good luck with the solicitors. The law's a slow process but it's your best bet at the mo.

x
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Old 19th May 2010, 10:05 PM   #11
DesperateMark
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Re: Desperate Help Needed, Pls!

She is definately hell bent on something. Day 8 and I still don't have access to my kids, she claiming all sorts of crap was going on now.
She sent me text on Monday asking me to get my solicitor to Fax over my Options for Access. Which we did and then superbly knocked it back.
We had been agreeing to doa week about scenario before she started all this Abuse nonsense, but now she stating that the kids were in mortal danger of being harmed by me becuase of my behaviour toward her.

Err! Sorry Don't think so. I was behaving fine thanks until you announced to our kids one sunday night that you didn't love me anymore and we'd be selling the house and sharing custody of the kids, BANG! That's how she told me and the kids as we sat in the Lounge.
Suttle as Car Crash so she was, so forgive me if i may have been behaving a little strnge and akward but I certainly wasn't abusive, threatening or any like what she has claimed .

She has told the Kids that the Police have told them not to speak to me or try and contact me.
Absolute nonsense as I've phoned the school and the After School care club and neither of them have ahd any formal notification or anything like Interdicts or court orders presented to them in anyway, so she just making things up to scare the kids into staying away.
She taken their mobile phones off them, and she wont let them anywhere near the internet. Sorry! Who's the control freak!!!!!

My lawyers says I shouldn't get reilled by her rants, but it very hard when you live in a small village and everyone knows everyone else and your business, so it doesn't take long for rumours to spread, and with all the smoking guns she leaving behind it's making me feel very uncomfortable about carrying on with all my volunteering work as I've been a BB officer for over 6 years now, and I also work with our local youth rugby team.

My solicitor has fired avery heavy warning shot about the slanderous comments and how if it affects my Proffesional work situation or my voluntary work there will be more than just a Divorce action being filled but slander action also.

She's really on a vidictive streak here and I can't fathom out why, I really have been a good husband and Father, why would someone just turn like this and why can't these Social workers and Police see this, why is she allowed to make all these slanderous comments and get away with it without providing proof. She still has been in touch with any of her Family or relatives I can't understand this, I feel like I'm going crazy anytime I try to talk to anyone I just feel like bursting into tears I really don't know how much more of this I can take there must be something I can do or approach to put my side accross.
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