Struggling with communication - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

NewBride · 4th April 2008, 08:54 PM

Hi All,

Can anyone help. I got married less than 6 months ago and I just dont understand how something so beautiful can change overnight... after careful evaluation, I decided the problem was communication. I am speaking but it seems he's not understanding. Its either i've learnt a different language over the last few months or there's really something wrong with the way I'm saying things... does anyone else experience this?

Also, I am a chorister in my local church and I know how imprtant it is to remain connected to THE SOURCE (to God) but I find that as soon as we have an argument or a poor communication episode which leads to hours/days of mutual civilised cohabitation as opposed to compassionate companionship, i really really feel sooooooooooo far away from God.

Please advise...

Raymond · 4th April 2008, 09:48 PM

Hi New Bride, sorry to hear you are having problems already, but it isn't unusual. Could be expectations. Both of you would have had your own expectations of what marriage should be about. Sometimes because we had certain ideas about it but the reality didn't measure up to what we expected we can be disappointed. These can be normal teething troubles. The thing is not to give up but work things through and remain committed to each other. Perhaps talking about this with him would help.

Another thing could be a love language thing. There are five basic love languages apparently which are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Gifts (needn't be expensive just the thought counts) Touch (holding hands, hugs etc. not to do with sex although that is important) and Quality Time. Apparently we all have a primary love language and tend to speak that to the other. Trouble is they may not perceive it as love as their prime language may be different. You have to speak their language to convey love. My wife's happened to be touch and in the early days she got hardly none of that, only sex, and she didn't feel loved even though I loved her. Having learned that I make sure she feels loved through that especially, plus everything else.

These are only a few thoughts. There is a book called The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman a christian writer that you might find helpful or not.

I really hope that you both grow together through these things and find the way forward.

Raymond

NewBride · 4th May 2008, 09:16 PM

Thank you Raymond... love language is something i would love to look into and havent actually considered. My husband comes from a really strict and disciplined background and naturally his personality follows suit, whereas my family is more laid back and we were allowed to grow up forming our own identity and deciding, following by example what was right and wrong. It was easy while courting to understand what each others needs were but now living together has made things a little less easy. Let me ask a question to a man, given i evidently lack the capacity to think like a man, how would you tell a man to stop showing off in public without actually embarrasing him?

Raymond · 5th May 2008, 10:34 AM

Difficult one New Bride. You cannot change him by trying. Only God can do that, but a word spoken in love not in correction can be very effective. That takes timing and you have to be aware of the time. Another thing is you never join in the approbation he is seeking in peoples eyes. You do this by your body language and by not giving any encouragement to such antics. He will be looking to you for it as well but you musn't give it. Adding all those things together he will get the message gradually, but make sure you show approval for genuinely good things that he does. Maybe his love language is words of affirmation which he is seeking illegally so to speak. If it is you can do this in other ways where it really merits it.

Raymond

NewBride · 5th May 2008, 12:13 PM

Thanks Raymond, i'll give that a go. I have to agree that his personality is often attention seeking and perhaps I need to give a bit more, but how do you do that effectively without building up pride, which I fear desparately as it was enough for the most beautiful musical angel to come down from glory???

Raymond · 5th May 2008, 09:28 PM

You'll know when its right New Bride. Obviously you don't flatter him as that will build up pride if it is believed. All of us though need affirmation at times. You need it as well. You want your efforts to be appreciated. If you are giving out you need it back as well. Compliments can lift one. If he is really proud then he will be heading for a fall. You don't want to be part of that. If you are both really following God He will see to it that you and I are not puffed up with pride. It is really a thing of the flesh which goes against the spirit. Theres no pat answer as you know your husband better than anyone. If we are secure and loved for who we are we don't need to show off. I would say that represents insecurity and a need of attention which he is trying to get in the wrong way. If he is so proud then he will not be able receive the right affirmation as he will have false ideas about himself. I shouldn't worry about it too much. Marriage has a way of bringing men down to earth in the long run if they are being honest with themselves.

Don't try and dwell on his faults too much as we all have them. Look for the good. You can't change him but he can grow. Lots of marriages have failed through spouses magnifying faults and getting too critical. God accepts us as we are and He thought we were wonderful and fantastic before we did anything right. It's knowing God's love that helps us grow. We only found out about it when we accepted forgiveness in Christ. Better stop. Getting in preaching mode.

Raymond