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Old 18th February 2012, 08:01 PM   #1
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Unhappy Advice needed. 10 year relatiosnhip

I warn you this is a long one! Where to start? OH and I met 10 years ago, and it really was love at first sight. Within 6 months we were living together, and blissfully happy. I was in a depression when we got engaged 7 years ago in February, and then I fell pregnant in the May. I had a ghastly pregnancy as I was having my first child at 32, we both went off sex when I was pregnant, and I hev never been the most confident with my body, but assumed it would all come back to normal after baby was here. I had put on a lot of weight and ended up with an emergency section as I was not dilating beyond 5cm after 27 hours of labour!

As I had put on a lot of weight, I felt so frumpy and unattractive after the birth, I found myself repulsive and couldn’t believe my OH could possibly find me attractive now. I thought once I could loose weight it would be ok, but I couldn’t do any high impact exercise for at least 6 months due to the section, and I kept pushing my OH advances away. I was too embarrassed to ask for help with my sex drive/body issues and tried to continue with the weight loss, hoping that would make the difference. It didn’t… What’s worse I had a real crisis of confidence after my baby was born, I didn’t know where I fit within the world… I didn’t seem like a normal mummy to me, I couldn’t be bothered with the competitive chat at the mother & baby groups… I also didn’t tell anyone how I felt for fear of being thought a bad mum or a weirdo! I loved my baby, so I poured my emotion and effort into him. I couldn’t talk to my partner, he was stressed enough with work and trying to renovate our 200 year old house, he had enough on his plate. So I withdrew, trying to deal with it on my own, but becoming more distant, cold and removed from my OH. Our relationship systematically broke down, he would tell me the sex didn’t matter, but I knew it did and knew I would loose him if I didn’t get it sorted, but I was chronically embarrassed at the thought of discussing my feelings with the doctor. So how was I to get help?

Fast forward to two years ago when my fears were confirmed, although he hadn’t slept with her, he had embarked on an emotional relationship with a mutual female friend who lived nearby (emailing and texting) and they met a few days before I discovered them, and had shared a kiss over a coffee! I knew I was losing him and I knew who to, so although I am not proud of this, I snooped his email and found the evidence, which I confronted him with. Long story short, he confessed all (not that he could deny it of course!) and we had the most open and frank discussion we had had in years. We rekindled our sex life and I got the Mirena coil put in, which resulted in weight gain, I got insecure about my body again and the sex life dried up once more. I could see apathy creep in with him, but still even though I knew I had to sort my issues if I wanted to maintain a normal, healthy relationship with the man I loved, I still could not face going to the doctor.

Here we are now, a few weeks ago we had a horrendous fight, lots of nasty things said on both sides and I kicked him out… this time he went and didn’t come back for a week. He came back with promises of talking and we had to change so much if we were to move forward as a family but we had a chance. Within hours of him being back, I was crying and needy and he became more distant and withdrawn. The talks resulted in him stating I had eroded all the love away and he couldn’t live as we were anymore. I promised I would get help if he would give me a chance, and please don’t break my heart by leaving me now. In short, he says he is confused.. one minute it’s ‘I’m moving out, I need space’ then its ‘let’s just take each day as it comes’ then when I push him as I feel so uncertain and insecure I get ‘if you need an answer now, it’s I’m leaving you’. He says he wants to take each day as it comes, but is talking about moving out to give himself space, but I fear if he does that I will never get him back.

I have laid my soul bare to him, so he is in no doubt that I love him, and I have promised that I will seek help for my issues, and I have done that. I have been diagnosed with Body Dismorphiac Disorder (BDD) and anxiety. I am on medication as I can’t eat or sleep with all this going on, but I am managing to stay strong for my child, and holding down two jobs. OH is away with business for the next week so we both have breathing space, but he is being so cold and distant when we speak or email, and conversations are predominately about our child, even when I directly engage him on the matter, he ignores it. He says he doesn’t hate me, but there is not much talk of love either, he says there is a tiny bit of love left, but its buried so deep, he doesn’t know if it will ever come back, and doesn’t want to give me false hope.

I am at a loss to what I should do next. For my own sanity, I have dropped all dialogue pertaining to this matter, and I am trying to concentrate on getting my issues sorted and getting myself better. I hopefully will get counselling quickly and can start sorting out my BDD. He says he doesn’t feel strong enough to get me through my issues, and whilst that hurts, I kind of understand why he has to remove himself. Does he feel if he says ok, lets give everything another try I will stop my progress and not face up to my problems? Or does he just not love me enough to care if I get sorted? I am so confused too, it doesn’t help that parents on respective sides keep calling me to find out what’s going on as he is not talking to anyone.

Please help me, what should I do next? I am so desperate to make things right between us, and whilst our old relationship is dead, I am happy with that as I want us to move forward in a healthier, happier relationship together. He is my soulmate and no one will ever love me warts and all the way he once did…

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Old 18th February 2012, 09:02 PM   #2
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Posts: 1,408
Re: Advice needed. 10 year relatiosnhip

One can only hope that this is not a case of "too little, too late". While the marital issues that have developed from your problems (and the way you have chosen to handle them thus far) have created a serious rift, the PRIMARY concern is that you must become healthy. It often becomes the loss of the marriage itself that is the focus in these kind of situations, but things will revert back to the old ways if you do not approach the root of your problem and resolve that FIRST to prevent it from happening this relationship, or God forbid, in the next one to come.

If your husband and marriage becomes the "collateral damage" of your past reluctance to see a doctor or get appropriate help, no amount of crying or begging can substitute for your mental and emotional you will not have anything to bring to the "table" that he can see as a desirable reason for wanting to try and salvage what is left of this relationship. You have seen the result of groveling and begging, and it puts off a person who has little feelings left to invest.

Your biggest fear is that he will take up with another it not? So you want to secure the marriage first...but that is not what his big fear and concern is. He is fed up and has lost any "drive" to be patient, to have hope, or to stick around and "assist" you, as this has gone on for so long with little to no progress. This is a very percarious situation because he has lost so much of what it takes to see this through to a favorable end. Meanwhile, there was evidence of someone else lurking in the shadows.

I would contact that woman if you still have reason enough to believe that she is still in the picture, and explain to her what has been happening to you historically, and let her know that your hope is to repair the breach in the marriage without him being "influenced" by her before you have had a chance to do that. It is a bit humbling, true, but what do you have to lose at this point? He will likely find out if he is still in "contact" with her (which is another BIG issue), but if he gets angry about you talking to her then he is far more disconnected from you than you have realised...and your next move would have to be to back off, and sadly, allow this to go in whatever direction that it will.

Part of his attraction to you going forward will have to be reclaiming your dignity and self respect, as well as you being able to take responsibility for whatever will come in the months ahead. He is your husband(?), but still, he must be free to choose what he wants to do in spite of the pain that it causes you, and without you heaping guilt and/or reprisals onto him.

Did you ever marry? I do not know what "OH" means.

Kindest Regards

Last edited by Forever; 19th February 2012 at 12:59 AM.
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Old 19th February 2012, 10:20 AM   #3
Join Date: Dec 2006
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Re: Advice needed. 10 year relatiosnhip

I've read this briefly and don't want to cut in on Forever. She talks about the root of the problem which I think is important. Doctors usually only treat the symptoms.

I don't know what the root is but can see that one of your belief systems centres around the thought that now that I am not attractive, having had my child, he will not find me attractive. Because of that belief you rejected his advances and the initial rejection came from you not him. Rejection of self. Had you not made that decision there is no proof that he would not have carried on as normal but you made the decision inwardly for him by rejecting yourself. Love is far deeper than just physical appearance although it is important we make the best of ourselves.

You are still the same person he loved and all of us have self worth. None of us are write-offs. Certainly not in God's eyes. He loved you and married you. Your self esteem should not be only in appearance which is vanishing away. Marriage is much bigger than that. If you reject yourself he doesn't stand a chance. Marriage is about acceptance and building each other up. I think you need to accept yourself so that he can accept you. We don't need to work for it. Perhaps you did as a child and that may be the problem.
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Old 19th February 2012, 12:41 PM   #4
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Re: Advice needed. 10 year relatiosnhip

OH means other half Forever . I don't think they are married.
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Old 19th February 2012, 05:32 PM   #5
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Re: Advice needed. 10 year relatiosnhip

Hi Dee,

BDD is a difficult condition to live with and I hope your OH has some sympathy with that ?

I really think that if your OH sees you trying to find help with that he'll know you're serious about repairing the relationship . He is possibly tired of it being " all talk " .

Psychological problems don't just go away and will always be there between you if you don't get the help you need.

The contact with the OW would need to stop though , it's impossible to rebuild a relationship when there's a 3rd person lurking around .
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Old 23rd February 2012, 08:36 PM   #6
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Re: Advice needed. 10 year relatiosnhip

I wouldn't put off getting counseling. You might check out the website, they offer phone coaching for individuals that want to save their relationship, even if their partner doesn't. I did it a couple of years ago, and the coach was fantastic in helping me get clarity on how to start taking care of myself and how to deal with a less than motivated husband. Good luck.
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Old 24th February 2012, 01:14 PM   #7
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Re: Advice needed. 10 year relatiosnhip

Did it work Saralee? I mean are you happily married now and if so what did you do seeing as your husband wasn't co-operating?
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bdd, relationship advice

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